Well! I took all day writing a lecture, so I have zero creativity left for the Chronicles.
Lucky for me I’ve got a few of these in the bag! Whether it’s lucky for you, well, that’s your problem innit.
This chapter does not represent the present visual quality of the Chronicles! It’s grody and uncropped and older than the iPhone, and so compressed it’s frankly hilarious. Don’t hold it against me; it’s not beautiful enough!
We begin where we left off, to showcase a nice little piece of parallelism which 2006!Grugly almost definitely didn’t do on purpose.
Grugly2006: I dunno, man, maybe.
Willa: It’s kinda hard to sleep, with you both hanging over us and bickering.
Lewis doesn’t seem to think so.
Willa: Lewis doesn’t seem to think.
Willa: Hi, either Suzie or Walter!
At this point it’s like, why even bother taking pictures.
It’s mildly comforting at least when he snaps awake and recenters the camera occasionally.
Willa: Awake is the opposite of comforting.
Willa: Please buy me some furniture.
Willa: There’s some mac and cheese right there.
Lewis: But I wanna watch TV!
Willa: So… reach over…
Lewis: Don’t talk nonsense.
Willa: I had no idea a person could be this lazy.
Lewis: I’m not LAZY, I’m CONSTRAINED.
Willa: Yeah, mac and cheese will do that to you.
Lewis: That’s not what I meant.
Willa: That’s how you can tell it was me saying it.
Lewis: How come the camera’s so badly centred now?
Willa: He knows where the money shots are.
Willa: Now shoot your money into me.
Lewis: That’s a fair description of the act of procreation.
Willa: FUCK ME IN A NON-PROCREATIVE WAY
Walter: What? I can’t hear you.
We’ve done that joke.
Walter: Uh, no? We haven’t? There’s only been one other chapter so far.
When I was happier, and younger, and so much more of a shitbag.
Suzie: So, you’re saying we’re the creations of a shitbag.
Four Sims, and TWO OF THEM are Romance Sims.
Suzie: No, yeah, that checks out.
Suzie: How’m I gonna get Lewis to like me?
Walter: Why do you want to get Lewis to like you?
Suzie: ROMANCE SIM.
Walter: So romance someone el-
Suzie: THERE ARE NO SOMEONES ELSE
Suzie: If we get moved to that brave new world, I hope we get to bring our cool houses with.
That’s the current plan.
Suzie: And our cool neighbourhood!
No fucking way.
Suzie: Why? Just LOOK at that SCENERY!
Grugly2006: Too much work.
Suzie: It IS nice, though. Mountains, water…
Suzie: I think it’s a BIT too late to be renaming the place.
Oak Point Estates is built on the Alpinloch.sc4 template. It’s a very NICE template, but it’s still a MAXIS template.
So I didn’t make it.
Suzie: Can we start calling you the Unmaker, then?
Walter: Think that thr-
Suzie: YEAH PLEASE DON’T UNMAKE US ACTUALLY
Suzie: You saved our existence!
Walter: I love that you think angering 2020!Grugly can affect 2006!Grugly’s actions.
Suzie: I love how you’re such a know-it-all, you’d rather be right than be liked.
Walter: I love how you’re so sex-starved, it doesn’t even matter.
Suzie: I love sex.
Suzie: And transitions.
Well, sorry. We don’t invent those for another four years.
Suzie: Will I still be around in four years?
No, you’ll have evolved through, like, half a dozen more characters.
Suzie: Are they COOL characters?
They’re ATTRACTIVE characters.
Suzie: So yes.
You’ll be meeting some of them soon.
Suzie: Wait, what?
I’m about to become dissatisfied with you, and introduce a replacement.
Suzie: Two days old, and already obsolete.
Suzie: Guess I’ll go drive my ambulance off a cliff.
Well, there IS some good news: your replacements won’t be as good-looking as you.
Suzie: I’m good-looking?
I think you’ll find I never said that.
David Thompson: I heard what you said. I’m not letting you drive.
WHAT IS THIS PIC EVEN FOR
Grugly2006: I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS GONNA BE JUDGED ON THEM
Suzie: So, this retrospective is basically just gonna be you yelling at yourself, huh?
It’s what we’re good at.
Kennedy: Have you considered my nose in terms of oral sex?
Suzie: He makes good points.
Suzie: Or, at least, one good point.
Suzie: Except his one good point prevents me from actually reaching his mouth.
Suzie: Okay, I’m a healthcare professional, I can definitely figure this out.
Suzie: Liplock achieved.
But at what cost…
I wonder if I actually made any of these houses myself.
Would I have put the same floor and wallpaper in each room?
That seems like more of a Maxis sort of thing to do.
Weird, you were making out like you knew each other.
Willa: I’m glad you amuse yourself.
You should be glad I can, because otherwise I’d be making y’all dance for me.
Instead of letting you dance for yourselves.
I could have made this house. It’s pretty bleh.
That niche makes me think Maxis did it, though.
It does look a lot like the trailers I built for Pine Valley…
No, this is definitely a Maxis house.
A two-tile-wide bathroom is not my kind of insanity. I picked that up from here.
You guys need to get second jobs.
Lewis: I think I still need to get a first job!
Willa: I hope you didn’t come over here to get a job.
Lewis: No, I came over here to work it.
Lewis: You have NO IDEA how hot that jumpsuit is.
Willa: I was about to use those same words to say something different.
Willa: But if you like it, I’ll sweat it out.
Lewis: Sweating into clothes is fine, they go to the laundry dimension when you spin out of them.
Willa: I always assumed I was doing a spin cycle.
Y’know, I think this is an entirely respectable, attractive, interesting-looking Sim!
Willa: Thank you!
YOU DON’T GET THE CREDIT
Willa: As long as I get the debit.
Willa: By which I mean the deposit.
Willa: By which I mean-
Lewis: We know.
Willa: New house!
Willa: What’s the occasion?
I dunno, but apparently it took me, like, forty minutes, so.
Grugly2006: It’s hard finding stuff that matches.
Not when the entire Buy Catalogue is only, like, three screens long it’s not!
These days I’ve got like twenty-four different options for colouring that CHAIR.
…and I wonder why my game loads so slowly.
Is this all you guys do, now?
Willa: If you could…
Hahaha yeah, totally.
Willa: FUCK ME LIKE THE MAILMAN WOULD
Willa: IF LEWIS WAS WATCHING
Lewis: I will be, now.
You seem to have some issues.
Willa: I have entire print runs.
Willa: You don’t need to worry. I’d never cheat on you.
Lewis: Because you love me?
Willa: Because Walter is the only palatable option, and he’s not that palatable.
Willa: And yeah, sure, love, whatever.
Lewis: SLAP THAT MEAT GLOVE ON ME THERE
Man, they ALL sit too far forward!
Suzie: At least we don’t watch other people shit.
Walter: Or FUCK!
Suzie: No, the fucking’s okay; it won’t happen unless he documents it.
Suzie: Pics, or we don’t happen.
Suzie: Transitioning me from making out in bed to working out on the floor is, like, a war crime or something.
Suzie: And as apology gifts go, Kennedies aren’t worth much.
Lewis: Can we have normal sex tonight?
Willa: I don’t know what that means.
Lewis: I believe that.
Lewis: I’m referring to sex that doesn’t make me feel like you’re going to be unfaithful to me.
Willa: Oh! No, we can’t have that.
Willa: FUCK ME LIKE YOU’RE ME FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE
Lewis: Is that a thing which has happened?
Willa: Okay, so maybe, maybe I’ve got some hangups.
Lewis: Hangups? Baby, you’ve got an entire mis-dialled address book!
Lewis: We shouldn’t have moved in together if you’re not serious.
Willa: I’m serious! I wouldn’t share my fantasies of not deserving your trust if I didn’t deserve your trust!
Willa: I was hoping that would fry your logic circuits and give me a chance to escape.
Willa: Alternatively, all this cheating stuff is just words being put into my mouth and doesn’t reflect my personality at all.
Hey, let’s check.
Oh, WOW. You’ve got NINE Nice points, NO Playful points, NO Outgoing points… there’s, like, no WAY you’ve been saying all that awful sex stuff.
Or having all that sex.
Willa: Okay, just… stop making me be a bad girlfriend.
I’m still trying to figure you guys out, but I’ve gotta make jokes in the meantime.
Willa: Do less of the ones at my expense, and more of the ones at your expense, then.
OH SURE G’06, DOCUMENT THIS BIG EMPTY ROOM FOR SOME REASON
Grugly2006: I THOUGHT AN ESTABLISHING SHOT WOULD BE NICE! I WON’T DO IT AGAIN! I’M SORRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY! *runs away weeping*
…did I just become my own backstory?!
Lewis: Swing around to my frontstory, would you?
Lewis: Will you stop being my bad girlfriend and be my good wife?
Willa: I’ll have to ask my scriptwriter, but… how’s a provisional “yes” suit you?
Willa: How much did this cost you, anyway?
Lewis: The real costs are all to come.
Willa: Come costs.
Walter: Do you think we should see other people?
Suzie: I think if we DO see other people, we should see a DOCTOR, because there ARE no other people!
Walter: Well-argued. I will both like and subscribe.
Grugly2006: …the heck does that mean?
Suzie: Here they go again.
Grugly2006: I don’t like not understanding the dialogue for my own characters!
Well, okay, but-
Grugly2006: And you keep mischaracterizing them!
YOU DON’T KNOW THAT WORD
Suzie: Y’know, holy wars aren’t typically fought at the god-on-god level.
Okay, well, tell me about these characters, then.
Grugly2006: Walter is an ASSHOLE.
Grugly2006: Suzie is a BITCH.
Grugly2006: Lewis is ALSO an asshole!
Why did you make them all so terrible?
Grugly2006: Because I hate everything, and everybody, and especially people who have fun and engage with each other socially.
Grugly2006: So I make all my Sims unpleasant jerks, and watch them being unpleasant, and go “Yeah, that’s right, be unpleasant, you jerks.“
You’re gonna touch a boob in a few weeks.
Grugly2006: Then again, people are people!
Suzie: You can’t retroactively lighten him up, you know.
But I can sure as fuck reject him.
Grugly2006: Whose business is it but mine if I want to watch rude people screw each other?
Normally it wouldn’t be anyone’s, but, well… we’re on the internet, now.
Grugly2006: Dude, I’ve seen what you’re writing. You’re “on the internet” in the sense that GeoCities pages are “on the internet.”
Walter: Ohhhh boy.
Suzie: Heeeere we go.
Grugly2006: DOES SOMETHING HAPPEN TO GEOCITIES?!
Suzie: We might as well fuck, he’ll be frantically opening his bookmarks for a bit.
Grugly2006: ALL MY FAVOURITE SITES ARE ON GEOCITIES
Suzie: I bet he’s got a MySpace account, too.
Grugly2006: No, MySpace is crap. I’m on Facebook.
Grugly2006: It’s gonna last forever.
Time-travel stories are SUPPOSED to be about WRONG predictions!
Grugly2006: It’ll last forever because you need a university email to sign up, so you know you can trust the people on it!
…never mind, there we go.
I’ve still got your Facebook account today.
Oh, shit, hey! Can I send you some URLs to bookmark? There’s a site I need for my dissertation, but I can’t Wayback Machine it without knowing the address.
Yeah, I teach university.
Grugly2006: …I was kind of hoping I’d have new hopes and dreams, by… what year is it there?
Grugly2006: Oh! THAT’S why you’re looking at this stuff.
Grugly2006: Hindsight. 20/20.
I didn’t know you could serenade them on the couch!
Grugly2006: I think you’ll find you’ve known it for FOURTEEN YEARS
Walter: So, you gonna move in with me, or…?
Suzie: Definitely “or.”
Suzie: The best part about not living with people is you can just leave when they do boring normie shit like take baths.
IT’S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE
Grugly2006: So, like, a norm-
LIKE A NORMAL PERSON YES
Grugly2006: I can totally see why you’d want a derogatory term for those, actually.
Grugly2006: I’ve just been calling them “my Sims.”
Walter: Fuck you.
Walter: Oh, hey, know what it says in the paper?
Grugly2006: “Fuck you”?
Walter: No, actually! “Fuck you.“
Suzie: When in doubt, fuck me.
Suzie: Am I really as bad as the other you says?
You’ve got 3 Nice points.
Suzie: Three! That sounds good!
It’s what I would categorize as “just barely evil.”
Suzie: I take it it’s not out of five, then.
A few years from where you are, I pigeonhole a character as a future serial killer when she’s a TODDLER for having three Nice points.
Suzie: If you’re gonna pigeonhole someone, it might as well be when they’re pigeon-sized.
It’s like I’m LOOKING for the plumbbob.
Grugly2006: I’m trying to get CLOSER.
So USE THE TAB CAMERA
Grugly2006: THEY DON’T SELL “TAB” IN CANADA
Grugly2006: I’ve only heard of it because of Back to the Future.
Still our favourite movie.
Grugly2006: I WAS AFRAID TO ASK
Who’s she taking to?
Grugly2006: Who cares.
Grugly2006: This is about us, really.
I’m glad you recognize that.
Grugly2006: I doubt you’ll do much I won’t understand.
I’m sorry you think that.
Suzie: I just like the imagery.
Suzie: …which is hopefully not the reason you keep doing THIS
Honestly I’m a little shocked there are title pic-worthy images in here.
Grugly2006: It’s a REAL pain in the ass to get a good angle like this.
I’m almost 100% sure you actually do know about the TAB camera.
Grugly2006: IT’S SO FUCKIN’ FINICKY
What are you painting, down there?
Lewis: What does it LOOK like I’m painting?
It LOOKS like you’re painting a SMUG BEAR at MIDNIGHT.
Walter: Thanks for having us over.
Lewis: Well, all the nobody else was busy.
Willa: I’m surprised nobody’s started any fires yet.
Walter: Oh, they’ve always been burning.
Suzie: ♪ SPACE MONKEY MAFIA ♪
This chapter depicts gameplay from 24 March 2006 to 25 March, 2006.