I think it’s time to polish off Oak Point.
Because the next, like, eleven chapters of the Chronicles are all in the same damn household.
This chapter does not represent the present visual quality of the Chronicles! It’s grody and uncropped and older than the iPhone, and so compressed it’s frankly hilarious. Don’t hold it against me; it’s not beautiful enough!
Lewis: Doesn’t mommy look happy today?
Karen: Yeah, she does! I kinda hate it.
Karen is modelling my patented “ugly face hidden as much as possible” look, later popularized by Cameron Price in Pine Valley.
Lewis: I fuckin’ hate computers.
Willa: He knows.
What does he know? Wait, let me stop you there. Lewis doesn’t know shit.
Willa: He knows I made out with someone.
He does not.
Willa: He knows I cheated on him.
He does not!
Willa: How do you know?!
BECAUSE I CAN READ HIS LITERAL THOUGHTS IN AN APPLICATION
I wish I could do the same with ’06.
Grugly2006: Well, here I was thinking “It’s a shitty, non-centred pic, but nothing’s clipping so it’s good enough.”
Grugly2006: And here I was thinking “Good enough isn’t.“
Which you got from a Dilbert book.
Hey, funny story! Scott Adams is a piece of shit.
Grugly2006: I can buy that.
Walter: What do you want, you fat short idiot?
That looks uncomfortable.
Karen: Actually, the blur makes it pretty soft.
Karen: I still think learning the alphabet seven years in a row is kinda weak, educationally-speaking.
Lewis: That’s not for you.
Marsha: Then why’s it at my spot?
Lewis: That’s not your spot.
Marsha: Then why’m I in it?
Karen: I’m going to bring you down to my level.
Willa: That’s what family’s for!
Dude, half the time it’s like you’re filming for a splitscreen.
Rapidly progressing to all the time.
I’m glad I looked this up.
Lewis: I’m glad you did too.
He just “Sold a Great Novel.”
Willa: Hey, congrats! What was it about?
Willa: How much… research, did you do for that book?
Lewis: Mostly I looked up porn.
Lewis: THE PORN WAS INSIDE ME ALL ALONG
Grugly2006: Man, they’re so boring once they’re married.
Before you find someone for them to cheat on each other with, you mean.
Grugly2006: Yeah, I didn’t think it needed to be said, really.
Chelsea: Especially where we could hear it.
Grugly2006: So, have you thought of what secrets from the future you’re gonna leave me with?
I’m not gonna leave you with any secrets from the future.
Grugly2006: Is that the result of you thinking about it, or not thinking about it?
Chelsea: You’re up early.
Andy: I get nervous when I hear gods talking in my kitchen.
Chelsea: Yeah, your lips are all trembly.
Chelsea: Oh, wow! I kissed him into a woman!
Chelsea: We’ll work through this together, Andy.
Willa: While you’re working on your framing, you might want to try your hand at scene transitions, too.
Chelsea: I haven’t seen any evidence that he’s working on his framing.
Grugly2006: I can’t believe you turned them against me.
Sure you can.
Willa: Man, that smells great!
Grilled cheese sandwiches don’t smell like anything.
Willa: Yeah, I’m not a big fan of smells.
Andy: Are you pressing a book into my back, or something?
Chelsea: THE BOOK OF LOVVVVVVVVE
Chelsea: OH! OH!
Andy: OHHHHHHHHHH VUVUZELA!
Andy: VUVUZELA! VUVUZELAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…!
Andy: Some people do Tarzan yells, some people make incoherent noises, I take a custom approach.
I thought Chelsea had turned into Valerie for a moment.
Valerie: The audience won’t sympathize, because they’ll see the header.
Let’s be honest, the audience probably never sympathizes with me.
Valerie: It’s one of the things I like about them.
Valerie: The audience also doesn’t constantly try to make me paranoid.
Valerie: And I do mean constantly.
Valerie: Are you training for a career in the RCMP?
Grugly2006: What do the mounties have to do with spying?
I literally do not have time to answer that question.
Look up the “fruit machine” while I handle this chapter.
Grugly2006: I’m getting… a lot of stuff on slot machines.
Yeah, it’s not that.
Hey, this one’s almost artistic.
Minus the boobage.
Grugly2006: Don’t minus my boobage while I’m otherwise occupied!
Grugly2006: Wait, the mounties tried to make a polygraph for homosexuality?
Grugly2006: The mounties did this.
Because the mounties fuckin’ suck, dude.
Valerie: Speak of the fuck-and-suck dude, and he appears.
Valerie: Blurry nonsense.
Leon: Sho ’nuff!
Valerie: I think we should go on a vacation.
Leon: Those don’t exist.
Valerie: I think we should not exist, then.
Leon: That’s not really up to us.
Valerie: Surely there’s a way we can passively resist.
Leon: Please don’t make the Maker turn off our free will.
Grugly2006: Yeah, there is literally an option for that.
Which is kind of terrifying, though I’ve never really thought about it before.
Grugly2006: Shit, yeah, it is, isn’t it?
Leon: Might as well use our free will, as long as the box is checked.
Leon: Check out this box!
Valerie: I’m not into boxes, dude.
Valerie: Don’t try to cry-kiss me, either.
Bite his hand! BITE HIS HAND!
Leon: Well THAT was a serious kick in the balls.
Valerie: We can do it again, to make sure you take it seriously!
Valerie: Hahaha your face. Crumpled up like a fuckin’ paper bag!
Leon: I hate you.
Valerie: I love you too.
Leon: Maybe we should start over.
Valerie: Ooh, with different people?
Leon: Why are you being so mean to me?
Valerie: Because I’ve been thinking about vacations! What if there’s a hot ski instructor or lifeguard or, fuckin’, witch doctor or whatever, and I can’t marry them because I married your generic ass?!
Leon: I see your point.
Valerie: Yeah, it’s not fading out for some reason.
Valerie: Guess I’m really fixated on skiing.
Don’t mind telling you that’s not gonna work out.
Valerie: Do you think we should take a break?
Leon: No, two sandwiches in a row is probably safe.
Lloyd: Your kid’s staring.
Suzie: Yeah, I told her not to talk.
I didn’t expect to find a unique image of this in Oak Point, but I’ve never captured this precise moment in the animation before.
Grugly2006: ♪ I knew something you didn’t know ♪
WELL I KNEW IT WHEN I WAS YOU
Suzie: FUCK ME LIKE YOU SHOULDN’T BE
Suzie: It’s the only way I can get off, these days.
Lloyd: Luckily, I have no such limitations.
Suzie: I imagined you were Lewis.
Patrick: I’m offended that you’d find that attractive.
Suzie: Why? I find you attractive.
Patrick: If you find me and Lewis attractive… how can I not take offense at that?
Suzie: Wow, I’m even starting to picture him as Lewis!
Lewis: …I am Lewis, Suz.
Suzie: Ooh, a little role-play, is it?!
Suzie: FUCK ME LIKE LIKE YOU AREN’T LLOYD
Lewis: I ALWAYS DO
Lewis: I pretend to be the headmaster, most of the time.
Suzie: I pretend to be a hot tub.
Willa: This is wrong.
Tom: No, I’m pretty sure I’ve got kissing down pat.
Tom: And patting you down, down pat.
Willa: Rar! Down, Pat, down!
Tom: Don’t call me Pat.
Willa: You can’t be too annoyed, you’re still kissing me.
Tom: It’s basically a reflex action at this point.
Willa: Are we trying to get spotted?
Tom: You’ve got spots? I thought you were gonna get tested!
It’s like I’m watching someone learn how to use the in-game camera.
Grugly2006: Yeah, it’s “like” that.
Willa: I can’t believe we’re doing this.
Tom: That’s not a very plausible excuse.
Willa: I just… enjoy your company, Tom.
Tom: Would you consider becoming a full-time employee?
Tom: Come on. Your husband neglects you, and I’m basically a dead ringer for him.
Willa: “Dead Ringer For Neglect” isn’t gonna become anyone’s favourite song any time soon, Tom.
Willa: Although “Paradise By The Medium Settings Light” might just.
♪ Ain’t no doubt about it, we were doubly blessed ♪
Tom: ‘cuz it was half-past three o’clock, and I was half-past dressed ♪
Tom: ♪ Gonna go all the way tonight ♪
Willa: Oh, who with?
Willa: Me? Hahaha! No.
Tom: Why not?
Willa: That would be adultery.
Tom: What do you call what we’ve already been doing?
Willa: I call it “what we’ve already been doing.” That way if Lewis asks what I did today, I can say “what we’ve already been doing,” and he won’t have a clue what I’m on about.
Tom: Why won’t you be on about me?
Willa: Tom, if I’m ever on you, I don’t want there to be anything “about” about it.
Tom: This is a lot of complicated wordplay just to talk around the concept of fucking.
Willa: Because when you say the naughty words it makes me actually want to do the naughty things.
Tom: So… do it? Do them? Do me.
Willa: I’ve got a daughter.
Tom: She’s too young, no thanks.
Willa: What I mean is…
Tom: I know what you mean, but it’s not my fault you paused where you did.
Willa: I can’t hurt Lewis.
Tom: Oh, good! Then we can fuck.
Willa: I mean I don’t want to hurt Lewis. Not that he can’t be hurt.
Tom: Wow, you really need to choose your words more carefully, then.
Grugly2006: Sorry! Don’t mind me.
Willa: I’m also worried that the Maker is egging me on to do something I don’t really want to do.
Well, we can’t check your Wants panel to see if that’s the case, unfortunately.
Tom: We could just pantomime missionary sex standing up for a bit.
Willa: I have to go.
Tom: Please don’t!
Willa: I’ll need a new pair of pants, if I don’t.
Willa: I have to go, to the bathroom.
Willa: Cut it out, would you? Or I’ll drop you in.
Tom: Why would that make me want to cut it out.
Tom: Unless you don’t want me to?
Tom: I get the feeling you don’t want me to.
Does she want him to?
Grugly2006: To what? I lose track of what’s going on when you stretch the captions out like that.
Does she want him to cut it out, or does she want him to have sex with her?
Grugly2006: I think ideally she’d want to have sex with him at the same time that he’s having sex with her.
Grugly2006: Anything else would be just too weird.
Grugly2006: So, what are you up to these days?
The end is nigh for my dissertation, and I’m writing spooky stories for the internet.
Grugly2006: How’s that going?
The second thing is killing off the time I’m supposed to be spending on the first thing.
Grugly2006: Yeah, that’s what this right here is doing to my schoolwork time.
Aren’t you basically in the summer vacation now?
Grugly2006: I dunno, man, I only experience what you remember me having experienced.
I’d say you’re experiencing OCD, if all these re-shots have anything to say about it.
Grugly2006: So, what happens to our mom?
Willa: I had a lovely time, Tom.
Tom: Me too.
And you guys made a lovely segue.
Tom: We’re inexplicably still together.
Grugly2006: Guess you have to answer my question, then.
I don’t have to do nothin’. I can just retcon it out of existence, make you never even have asked it.
Grugly2006: You won’t, though.
Okay, see, I can make you say and do things, but it doesn’t work the other way around.
Grugly2006: Just tell me.
She dies of lung cancer.
Grugly2006: No, seriously, just tell me.
Tom: Wow! Feel that tight, married tushy!
Willa: I’m good, you feel it for me.
Tom: Let’s you and me film a new series. I’ll wear my labcoat, and we’ll call it Breaking Bed.
Haha, ’06, you don’t know what that’s a reference to, do you?
Willa: I could really… use some advice, for what to do, about this.
I’m sure ’06 has some ideas! ’06?
Tom: Should we look for him? Maybe he’s in the shower.
Tom: I’ll get in first, and you follow me.
Come on, ’06, talk to me.
Willa: I love the feel of your hands on me.
Tom: That’s not funny. I can’t even think of something funny to say about it!
Willa: I guess we’ve moved on to the “sexy” part of today’s story, then.
Tom: How was it not sexy before?
Willa: There were two other men talking over it.
Willa: Now there’s only one talking.
I don’t know where he went.
Willa: I’m guessing to go freak out, and cry, a bunch?
Willa: Which I’m honestly a bit in the mood for myself, right now.
’06, I’m really sorry. Since you’re a fictional construct representing my memories of my self-conception from 2006, maybe I can just… imagine that your mom doesn’t die?
Willa: This story got really complicated at about the time that the pictures became only slightly less crap.
I shouldn’t have told him.
Willa: Why not? You’re basically using him to exorcise the demons of your past.
I don’t even have demons from 2006. I’ve basically already exorcised them all.
Willa: Then why are you pantomiming the act of breaking your past self’s heart?
Grugly2006: Dude fell in love after she did. That’s never how it happens to me.
Are you okay, ’06?
Grugly2006: I feel bad for you.
That’s just me wanting you to feel bad for me, because I feel bad for making you feel bad.
Grugly2006: No, I don’t think I’m a complicated enough construct to feel something that Byzantine.
Grugly2006: I don’t even think I used the word “Byzantine” in that context, before. I just wrote a history essay about the actual Byzantines.
First good history essay we wrote.
Grugly2006: You should go back to writing your dissertation. You shouldn’t be wasting time on the past.
Wasting time on the past is my dissertation.
Grugly2006: …you couldn’t’ve let me get through one more chapter without telling me my mom’s gonna die?
Get her to quit smoking.
Grugly2006: How long do I have to do that?
You cease to exist on May 1.
It’s April 26 where you are.
Grugly2006: Oh, so, no pressure.
Grugly2006: Do you miss her?
Grugly2006: Do you miss… me?
I miss everything about you, except being you.
Grugly2006: I don’t much like being me.
You’d like being me, I think, but you’d hate everything else about it.
It sounds trite, but… I wish I hadn’t spent so much time accumulating regrets.
Willa: Thanks for the shirt-kissing, I almost had a moment of introspection there.
Tom: As you doctor, I’d advise against it.
Willa: I’m my doctor.
Tom: Dang, I was gonna follow that up with “Well hellooooooo nurse,” but you wrecked it.
Willa: Shit like that comes pre-wrecked.
Tom: Wreck my shit, baby.
So, we cool, ’06?
Grugly2006: I should be asking you that, since only one of us is real.
Well, you didn’t, so fucking answer me. Fake people don’t get to stall.
Grugly2006: You did kinda take the steam out of me with that revelation. Luckily I’m not the one writing the dialogue.
I’m depressed now, too, though. I mean… watch this.
Tom: OHHHH SO LOW-RES-AHHHHHH
Grugly2006: Wow, what even was that?
Tom: I want to spend the rest of my life with you!
Willa: Wow, one entire day?!
Willa: I have to get back to my husband.
Tom: Of course! To kill him.
Willa: HARD RESET
Willa: NONE OF THAT HAPPENED
Willa: HELLO STRANGER IT IS NICE TO BE CLOTHED WITH YOU
Hey, did you raise the settings a bit? This looks clearer.
Grugly2006: Maybe it’s because we’re getting closer to the future.
Yeah, I don’t think the .jpgs know that.
Grugly2006: Sure they do. They’re date-stamped.
Couldn’t do it, huh?
Willa: I still love Lewis.
And Lewis still loves Suzie!
I mean, you! Lewis still loves you.
Walter: How much does it cost to get one of those Addams Family houses? You know, the kind that eat interlopers.
He’s not an interloper, he’s making newspaper wine.
Portrait of a Woman in an Unexpected Breeze.
Part of a series.
Amy: That was some great off-screen sex we just had!
Walter: The unexamined wife is worth fucking!
Amy: .oO(I wonder if I should seduce Andy.)
Walter: .oO(I wonder if I can seduce myself.)
Amy: .oO(I also wonder who Andy is.)
Walter: .oO(I wonder if even I am up to my standards.)
I’m going to miss this Dada bullshit.
Walter: I’m going to miss existing.
Amy: Will all the sex in your existence, I don’t doubt it.
Walter: If we make our last pics mid-coital, we can fuck on his storage CD forever.
Amy: I don’t think my vagina is rated for forever-fucking.
Chris: Thanks for checking in on me.
Grugly2006: Still breathing?
Chris: That would explain my vocalizations.
Michelle: Thanks for checking in on me.
Grugly2006: Still sexy?
Michelle: That would explain my nudity.
Michelle: Yeah, you’re such a freakin’ re-vert.
Michelle: WHO IS THIS?!
Michelle: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THERE’S NO RECORD OF IT?!
Michelle: Why am I even talking to you? Reality ends in one more chapter anyway.
Michelle: I hope it’s a good one.
It will be!
Just not for you.
Or, you know, anyone.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 25 April 2006 to 26 April 2006.