In which men do so have a negative reaction to emotional cheating.
Today we’re doing a “lower decks” style examination of those perennial peripheral characters, the stank flies.
Now the actual story will be a lot more entertaining.
Open your FUCKING MOUTH
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Hello!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I just came….
Chelsea: …to say hello?
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: No, I just came.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Let me in so I can change my underwear.
Chelsea: You can change mine, too.
Chelsea: What are you doing here, Don?
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: That’s up to you, innit?
Chelsea: I’m married? I’ve got kids.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Yeah, I’ll admit that’s kind of a turn-off, but.
Chelsea: I wish I could turn you off, butt.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I wish I could turn your BUTT off!
Oliver: ♪ Fuck me a lady tonight ♪
Oliver: ♪ Never get out of my sight ♪
Oliver: ♪ STICK WITH ME BABY I’M THE FELLOW WHO CAME IN YOU ♪
Chelsea: That was both clever and appropriate.
Chelsea: Don’t look under the bed.
Oliver: Ooh, a game I can win!
Oliver: I’ve been winning it this whole time, in fact!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: The fuck you doing out here?
Oliver: Just bein’!
Oliver: Also exercising my federal franchise.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: That’s a mailbox.
Oliver: Yeah, we do mail-in ball-
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: WE DON’T DO ANY BALLOTS
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Alright, I came in through the servants entrance.
Chelsea: You mean the door?
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Let me service you.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Okay, we could do one of those porns where the husband is, like, right there, but doesn’t notice!
Chelsea: That sounds great! How do we get him on board, though?
In this game?
Oliver: I found this business man outside. I think he misses his business.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I intend to get all up inside someone else’s business, soon!
Oliver: Hahaha, oh, businessmen! You so rapacious.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Please don’t hold his unfortunate choice of words against me.
Oliver: I’m gonna introduce you to a business man. He might take you to his business monastery and make you a business monk, some day!
Oliver: This is our most attractive child!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: She’s not my type.
Oliver: Yeah, I… didn’t really mean it that way.
Chelsea: Shouldn’t’ve really said it that way, then.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Also not my type: this battlefield of fallen child soldiers.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Pretty nice domestic situation you got here. Be a shame if someone fucked it all up.
Oliver: I agree!
Chelsea: Shame is one of my kinks.
Chelsea: I have pretty much all the kinks.
Marco: I have one, but, it’s… you.
Oliver: Wow, check out the limp wrist on that dude! He is no threat to me, haha!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Like he needs threats.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Beyond, y’know, himself.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: This is a pretty great terrifying wall-dwelling you’ve built!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Lots of garbage on the lawn, though. And on the kitchen floor.
Oliver: Why is there an asshole in my living room?
Oliver: Oh! You’re going to be a good influence on him. That sounds like you!
Oliver: My wife is the best wife.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: “My wife is the best wife.”
Chelsea: Fuck off.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Are you inviting me to a fuck-off?
Chelsea: Oh, this feels so wrong. Why does this feel wrong? I’m a Romance Sim.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: You might have turned Family by default when you had your seventeenth child?
Chelsea: Okay, I’ve only had… uh… uhhhhh…
Oliver: Don’t you kids be uhhhh-uhhhhhing in there!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I can’t believe you left me for him.
Chelsea: I can’t believe you’re on about that after how many decades?
I keep meaning to do up a timeline.
If only I was famous enough for a wiki.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: He wants more fame! Quick, let’s fuck in creative and hilarious ways!
Chelsea: You’re supposed to be a dude I don’t even know, dude.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Well obviously it’s working, since you just called me “dude”!
Oliver: She’s not THAT ugly.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I’mma go check on her.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Ah, the bathroom. This is where it all started.
Chelsea: That’s just in the book. In the Chronicles I was making out with him in the living room, like a goddamn lunatic.
Chelsea: And it wasn’t even either of our living rooms!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I’ll never forget how I beat the shit out of him.
Chelsea: Apparently you will?
Oliver: I haven’t read the book. What happens?
This guy walks in on this girl cheating on him with you.
Oliver: That sounds TERRIBLE!
Chelsea: What? He was just telling me how to take a shit.
Chelsea: Don’t have a cow.
Chelsea: And ignore that! It’s just signifying how my special new shits are breaking all the rules!
Oliver: I only MOSTLY believe that.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I could fight you in the living room, if it would make you feel better.
Hector: Who’s this fuckin’ guy?
Rip Co. Wobbly Wabbit Head: He’s a fuckin’ guy, alright.
Oliver: I thought you were cheating on me.
Chelsea: Christ, you walk in on me holding hands with a stranger in the bathroom and you leap STRAIGHT to conclusions!
Oliver: I just know what a bwitch you are.
Chelsea: Nice save?
Hector: What’s a bwitch?
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Less powerful than an awitch.
Chelsea: Look. I’m raising your kids. I married you! What more do you want, fidelity?!
Oliver: Mostly I want you to stop cockblocking me with the business man.
Chelsea: I just met the business man! I didn’t know he was gonna show up and want to do business while you walked around with a stick in your pants!
Oliver: Kiss my stick.
Chelsea: I mean, if that’s what it takes to make you happy…
Chelsea: We could just kiss normally, though.
Oliver: I didn’t know you did anything normally.
Chelsea: Normally I don’t!
Chelsea: But you’re the normal in my life.
Chelsea: You’re so normal, you took that as a compliment!
Chelsea: Having me as your wife is the best compliment anyone ever paid you.
Chelsea: Look how hot I am.
Oliver: I always do!
Oliver: Just promise me you won’t cheat.
Chelsea: I promise.
Next time: she cheats.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 7 May 2015.
Oliver: I don’t believe you. She promised!