The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 548

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In which I can do this! I can totally do this.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I feel like a new me!

Leonard: Well, I know where you can get one.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Abigail definitely needs to “get one.”
Charity: Okay, I’m here now. We can disintegrate her.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.
Charity: Neither can I.

Leonard: This place is entirely too naked-momsy.


Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I fucked him.

Charity: That’s disgusting. You’re disgusting.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Um, yeah? That’s my entire deal?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: What awfulness are you capable of?
Charity: Purely wonderful awfulness.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: It occurs to me that a genius capitalist might not be a good thing to have around.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You’re not gonna sell all our stuff, are you?
Charity: Of course not! Just the easy-to-move items.

Charity: Like you.

Please tell me those hearts are for Kennedy.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Who cares? I’m 95% sure I’m not related to Xavier.

The Murphy family tree is difficult to disentangle.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: We’re not related.
Xavier the Warlock: The baseline of all hotness!

Charity: Clothing!

The baseline of much hotness.

Xavier: Why’s Leonard trimming the bushes?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Because he pissed up my lab.

Xavier the Warlock: What if he pisses up your bushes?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Then I won’t have to water them.

Charity: …yes. I think I can market this.

That’s three Abigails who look like different people, now.

Four to go! Or so.

Charity: Don’t call me an or-so until I deserve it.

That joke doesn’t really work in print.

Charity: That bench has your name written on it, chum! It probably learned your name from your ass.

Charity: The least you can do for me after assing up my bench is to take it off my ass-intolerant hands.

Charity: For just one easy payment of all the money you’ve got, I’ll let you walk away with 1) that bench and 2) roughly any dignity you came onto the lot with!

Charity: What’s that! Up in the sky! It’s you! On your very own bench.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: What is happening?
Xavier the Warlock: Benches can’t fly.
Charity: Can’t they? CAN’T THEY?!

Charity: What if they could.

Charity: One thing’s for sure: you can’t fly a bench if you don’t own one! THERE’S A SOAPING SURCHARGE, BY THE WAY, KENNEDY

Charity: You know you want it. I know you want it.
Xavier the Warlock: I WANT IT
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I’m starting to think Beatriz is the less creepy of the two of you.

Charity: Oh, you’ll be absolutely certain before long. SOLD!

Charity: To the man with the wizard robe who’s already taken off his wizard hat.

Xavier the Warlock: I’m gonna do so much sitting!

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Wait. Wait.
Charity: The first satisfied customer of many!
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I’ve had those benches for… decades.
Charity: Yep! They’ve appreciated slightly.

Xavier the Warlock: I’ve certainly come to appreciate them.

Charity: Have you ever considered the purchase of… a bench?
Xavier the Warlock: I’ve just started getting into benches!

Charity: After all the time you’ve spent getting onto them, it’s time you moved your game to the next level!
Xavier the Warlock: Didn’t I just… buy… one of…

Charity: You could be the only man on your block with two, count ’em, three benches!
Xavier the Warlock: How are we on three already?
Charity: Well you’re definitely already buying at least one more.

Xavier the Warlock: I fucking am.

Leonard: Can I go now, Aunt Charity?
Charity: Only if you’re literally about to piss yourself again.
Kenneth: Are you gonna let her do this to your lab?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I guess technically it’s me doing it?

Charity: She always was good with technical things.

Xavier the Warlock: Now, about that third bench.

Charity: Sorry, chum, you’re already benched.

Charity: I need to go invest in some fabric assets.

Charity: MONEY

Charity: It’s what’s for me.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Staff touchin’!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You’ve really created a monster, this time.

Charity: “This time.”

Charity: Anyway, beauty is in the credit card holder.

Charity: Let’s see how much clothing I can bench.

Prof. Marsha: Hi, wonky new person!

Charity: Wealthy new person, thank you very much.

Jack: It’s Jack.
Charity: You’re a good man, Jack. Buy yourself a not-being-fucking-ugly.

I stole that from a casino commercial, but I can’t find it anymore.

Charity: Much like Jack can’t find his not-being-fucking-ugly! Assuming he had one, at some point.

Romance: Romance.
Charity: Charity.

Charity: I’m into it.

Jack: I’m offended?

Charity: I’m a maid.

Amin: I need one of those!
Phoebe: So… cold…

Charity: Do you know there’s snow on your dick?
Amin: Maybe. Hum a few bars?

Charity: Mmm. Bars.

Charity: Mmm. Blondes.

Charity: I hope I don’t just like him for his golden hair.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: You probably do, because my personality suuuucks.

Charity: Fuck that fucking bitch.

Bambi: What?

Weren’t you just at a clothing store?

Charity: Charity Young only buys boutique.

Charity: Haha, look at that thing! Thinks it’s a person.

Brooke: I’m on its side!

Charity: Yeah, you plebs got to stick together, alright.

Nerissa: Also us freezing-to-deaths.

Charity: You can’t afford that, push off.

Charity: Before I PUSH YOU OFF

I like her.

Grugly2013: Me too.

Chelsea: Don’t get anything I can’t wear.

Charity: This store is so poorly managed, my goodness.

Charity: I’m buying it and firing you.

Charity: Are you the owner?
Ian: I’m the Ian.

Charity: I can work with that.

Next time: Charity in the workplace.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 5 May 2013 to 6 May 2013.

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