The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 540

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In which, well, wow. Half a year and no missed updates.

Lots of late updates, but I’m an academic. Late still counts.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Speaking of “late,” looks like I missed one.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: That’s a series of words I hope never to say again in a different context.

…alright, I’m gonna go through and delete every picture with only closed mouths in it now.

Grugly2013: But wait, I-

No, fuck you, I’m doing it.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Come on over! We’re having an efficiency party today.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I like this new direction you’re taking.
Grugly2013: You’ve skipped two pics already!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Now skip his dialogue, too.

Shut up Xavier.

Xavier the Warlock: Wh-

I want to compliment ’13 on his framing.

Grugly2013: Thanks! But shouldn’t we be letting the characters talk?

Fuck the characters.

Xavier the Warlock: We’ll fuck ourselves, if you’ll let us.

Sullivan: Check out that fat drip behind you.

Xavier the Warlock: THAT WAS RUDE

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Do you really care?
Xavier the Warlock: No, I’m virtue signalling.

Xavier the Warlock: Although I feel my virtue wavering.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: What variety of Murphy are you?
Xavier the Warlock: My day’s Stephen and my mom’s Ember.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: So, we’re not related?
Xavier the Warlock: …no?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Dangit, I’m burning daylight here.

Xavier the Warlock: Why would you want me to be related to you?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I’m trying to have sex with the entire neighbourhood, but Abigail wants to set my family ties properly so I can’t.
Xavier the Warlock: I mean… even rephrased, you’re still clearly in the wrong here.

Xavier the Warlock: Also I’ve clearly been stretched?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I have that effect on men.

Xavier the Warlock: I’ve noticed, yeah.

I just watched the first two episodes of The Mandalorian with my dad.

It’s pretty good.

That’s my hot take, somebody get me a web series.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Now for some hot give-and-take!

Grugly2013: You’re skipping pics again!

You took, like, fifty fucking shots of… fucking!

Grugly2013: Do you not like FUCKING in 2020?

I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT IT’S LIKE

Xavier the Warlock: That sounds terrible.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You’re still here?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You saw, you came, you’re leaving.

Xavier the Warlock: Can I see you again?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: From a distance, sure.

Yusun: There a breeze in here?

Penny: I’m exposing my unborn child to sharp objects like a good mom!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Statistically they’ve got sharp objects in their futures anyway.

Xavier the Warlock: Hey, baby, you wanna become a character?
Yusun: Not if it means friendship with you.

Penny: Yeah, characterhood blows.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Okay, this one I’m related to.

Nope.

Xavier the Warlock: What’s stopping me from putting one of these in your ear?
Yusun: Poor footing, mostly.

Grugly2013: Where’s the hot pic of her looking at me?

Cut it. Closed mouth.

Grugly2013: PUT IT BACK THIS INSTANT

Grugly2013: IT’S VERY IMPORTANT

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Wanna have sex behind arguing gods?

Ooh, that suits her.

Grugly2013: Not so above it all, then?

No straight man is above cleavage.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I don’t appreciate all this objectification.

Good point.

One should only objectify things with physical forms.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: I DON’T APPROVE OF PHYSICAL FORMS

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I don’t know what that’s like.
Nick: Me either.

Nick: I thought my family had a monopoly on the whole “teleporting” thing.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You have thoughts?!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I thought you’d need all your blood flow to keep your…
Nick: Have we honestly not done enough dick jokes lately?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: What would you rather do? Plotline stuff? All we’ve got is that magic thing, and it barely is a thing!
Nick: Everybody loves magic!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: NOT POORLY-ESTABLISHED MAGIC!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Dicks, on the other hand, are better-established here than most characters.
Nick: She’s got a point.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You’ve-

NO

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: What?

NO MORE DICKS-ARE-POINTS JOKES

GET TO THE POINT ALREADY

SHIT I MADE ONE

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: How about we-

NO

Nick: What?

NO MORE SEX-IS-MAKING JOKES EITHER

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: By Chapter 550 this will just be his random ravings over top of screenshots of random people making out.

Nick: Isn’t that what the whole thing has been, basically?

Nick: How come it’s “making out,” anyway? When we’re indoors, shouldn’t it be “making in?

Go ahead, I’ll permit it.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: “Making in” is what comes after “making out,” Nick.

Nick: I’ll buy that for a dollar.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: In advance, please.

Nick: I don’t have a dollar.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: And he certainly doesn’t have any sense!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Yay for the oldest jokes ever.

You’re lucky I’m even bothering with jokes.

Grugly2013: Feels like maybe you need to take a break?

I CAN’T.

I AM A PRISONER OF MY OWN RESOLUTIONS.

AAAAAAUGH SLOW DANCE

Grugly2013: Nobody keeps up their New Year’s resolutions, dude.

I KNOW

I’M SPECIAL THIS YEAR

AND IT’S GREAT

Grugly2013: It doesn’t sound great.

SHUP UP IT’S FINE SHUT UP

I’m just… sort of… running out of time for, like, everything I’m trying to do with my life? All at once?

Grugly2013: I’m trying to sympathize, but it’s not happening.

Grugly2013: I’m basically sitting on my ass, playing video games.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Asses are under-rated!

Nick: I mean, they get a lot of attention, really.

Nick: It’s the ass-grabbers I think deserve attention. You guys are, like, essential workers or something.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Oh yeah, baby, pay me minimum wage.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Are you using me as a soapbox again?

What’s the point of having fictional characters, otherwise?

Hey, everybody doing shit jobs for no money right now:

If we eat the rich, you get first bite.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: What about eating out the rich?
Nick: I DON’T HAVE A VAGINA

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You’ll always have mine, baby.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: So mine it.

Nick: I’m not a miner.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Well, thank heavens.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Well, shit.

Well, we made it.

Next time: I start writing before the chapter’s due and it’s less a diary of a man in mid-breakdown.

I mean…

…maybe.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 5 May 2013.

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