The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 534

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In which I dunno, sex probably.

Irvin: Pass.

Laci: …hello?
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock:
Laci: You picked up the phone, Alvin, it’s a little late to pretend you’re not home.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Of course I still love you! It’s one of the things I hate most about you.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: I’ve moved on! I’m part of the magic storyline now!
Laci: I kinda get the feeling everyone in that storyline is gonna die?
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: But then again I’m always up for a B-plot now and then.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: You’re a horrible bitch, but I’ll let you make it up to me.

Cameron Price the Witch: Contractually-obligated main character appearance!

I think this one works better without dialogue.

Which is good, because nobody’s mouth is moving.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Which one of them is nobody?

Both of them.

Irvin: That robe really accentuates your figure!

Elvis: I will stab you in the eye.

Alright, welcome to my new side project, I guess: The Woodrow Children Staring Silently at Each Other Chronicles.

Irvin: I’m gonna punch you right in your stupid hat!

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: You kids are creepy and weird.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: And I am loving it!

It’s starting to look like they’re sharing one brain.

Elvis: What the FUCK! Did you just take a swing at me?!

Irvin: Just kidding! Dickpunch.

Elvis: Don’t punch my dick.
Irvin: Why not?
Elvis: I don’t even know how to answer that.

Elvis: Irvin punched my dick.
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Don’t punch his dick, Irvin.
Irvin: Why not?
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: I don’t even know how to answer that.

Okay, I’ve written myself into a hole, here, and I’d like you to haul me out of it.

Laci: Is it a “kids saying the word “dick” too much and it’s getting awkward” hole?



Laci: This place has really gone to hell while I’ve been away.
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Oh, you’ve been away? When?

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Anyway, it was just the quality of the writing.


Laci: No, he’s right.

No, he’s not.

It’s the quality of the screenshotting, too.

Grugly2013: Hey!

Hey yourself! I can see the bricks of the neighbour’s house through the gap in the ceiling.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Good news! I don’t have the ponytail anymore, and the other guy’s in jail! Nobody will confuse us anymore!
Laci: Hey, yeah! That’s great news, Michael!

Laci: Not funny?

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: I haven’t missed you, Laci.
Laci: I’ve missed myself.

Laci: I had to pretend to be someone else for years.
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Yeah, how come you never got arrested for that?
Laci: Administrative oversight.
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Meaning?

Meaning I forgot to get her arrested.


Grugly2013: I care.

Grugly2013: See how much I care?

Grugly2013: Gotta get the angle just right.

Laci: Hey baby, wanna get our angles just right?

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock:If you got the curves, baby I got the angles! ♪

Laci: You’re staring at my tits.
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Yes, I noticed.

My dad’s getting ready to demolish my childhood playhouse.

It’s been a home for mice and such for quite a few years.

A lot of my toys have mice crap on them.

I’m very sentimental, but I also have OCD.

It’s not great?

Irvin: I’m so glad Elvis gave you the opportunity to tell us that sad, pointless story.

Grugly2013: Should I start clearing the playhouse out?

Pretty sure the damage has been done by your time, dude.

Grugly2013: Tell Grugly2006 about it before the Oak Point stuff is done, then!

Pictured: why you shouldn’t have polygons inside of other polygons.

I was really hoping the next pic would be of Alvin and Laci, so he could say “Hey baby, wanna have my polygons inside of your polygons?”

Sasha: Sorry to disappoint.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Hey baby, wanna murder Theresa?

Laci: What’s wrong with Theresa?
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: She cheated on me! Just because I stabbed her in the face and cheated on her.

Laci: That’s garbage.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: THIS STORY IS SO TRASHY


Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: THIS HAS TO STOP
Laci: As long as you’re only referring to the wordplay.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: YES THE OTHER PLAY IS FINE

I’m so glad you decided to shoot this sex scene next to the most obnoxious persistent special effects failure in our game.

Grugly2013: Shit, the floating stop signs? I literally just now noticed those.

Grugly2013: Is this better?

Look at the hou-


Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: WE FUCKED THE HOUSE AWAY!


Grugly2013: I don’t think they could hear the comet, from down here.
Laci: That wasn’t the comet.

Laci: If you just sentenced me to three years of pregnancy, I’m gonna need reparations.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: We could fuck on some other stuff.
Laci: We could, couldn’t we!

Laci: Of course, that would give you another chance to accidentally impregnate me.
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: We could do it intentionally! That would completely remove all ambiguity.
Laci: And also all my interest.

Laci: Oh god, the hormones… the hormones are REVOLTING

Laci: They’re making me do revolting things!



Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: My hand is glowing.

Laci: Maybe it’s pregnant!

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: I’m gonna keep it as far away from the rest of me as possible, then.

Laci: Oh, uh, I never actually asked you to marry me.
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: That’s good! The paperwork will be easier when it doesn’t work out.

Laci: As long as we work out, I’m fine with that.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: I prefer to work it in.

That reminds me of this one Tragically Hip song.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: How does it go?

A shitty singer sings shittily about a shitty sport with shitty music.

Yeah, that’s right.

Come at me, the rest of Canada.

Laci: Come at me, preferably only Alvin.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Can I also come in you?
Laci: Only if you can produce a second comet.

Laci: Just splooge on the car, it’s cheaper than wax.

You know, too often I get a sinking feeling when I realize I’ve just typed the Quote of the Day.


Laci: Do you have a second phase, boss?

Laci: You DO!

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Is this what they call a lube, oil and filter?

Laci: No.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: I’ve never orgasmed to the word “no” before.
Laci: …that’s probably a good thing?

Laci: Probably not a good thing: accidentally making a rape joke right after you have sex.

Naked asses on cushions!

My new greatest fear.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: …the devil.

Laci: *appears*

Since when is Laci a warlock?

Grugly2013: Sorry…

Are you backsliding?! You’ve been publishing the Chronicles for, like, three years! You should know better than to miss pics.

You certainly didn’t miss any porn pics! I had to cut out, like, half of them.

Grugly2013: What?

Every other pic had them making a completely neutral face!


Grugly2013: They’d be all like “OOH OOH WE’RE FUCKING” and then just suddenly not caring!

Grugly2013: You could’ve counterposed sex dialogue with boring dialogue, comedically!

Grugly2013: I can’t believe you’re ruining my journal.

Except their mouths aren’t fucking moving in these pics?

Grugly2013: …you’re still ruining my journal.

Laci: Now, now. We’re all ruining it together!

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: SOME OF US MORE THAN OTHERS

Laci: New hair!

I hate it.

Laci: It’s not for you!


Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: I think it looks cute.

I think it’d look cute on someone who doesn’t already look cute.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Oh, that’s true. Rule of Conservation of Cute, and all that.

Laci: Sure, pop that feller right in there. It’s not as sore as a cored-out apple right now, or anything.

Laci: Yes, apples get sore. That’s how they get bruised.

Laci: I’m not gonna top that.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: You can top me any time, baby, with that bottom.

Pictured: what it feels like to go from playing video games to doing research.

Pictured: what it feels like to go from being naked to being clothed.

Not pictured: those kid dicks we were talking about at the beginning of the chapter, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NAKED

Irvin: There’s nothing to see anyway. Your censor blobs just make it look like there is.

Look, if there’s someone out there who’s into adolescent Ken dolls, I don’t want them reading my journal.

Next time: passing the torch/house.

Not torching the house, mind you.

That comes later.


This chapter depicts gameplay from 1 May 2013 to 2 May 2013.

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