The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 531

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In which whose idea was it to make “the sword” the otherwise mightiest thing?

Stewart: Those “in which” statements are getting less and less sane.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: So’s, you know, the world.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Luckily, the insanity is on my side.

Lydia: I was gonna stab you in your side.

Stewart: Hey, free might!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: NOW YOU GOT NECK HERPES

Stewart: And back problems!

Stewart: This calls for scream-drowning-out.

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

Stewart: ♪ Baby, I know ♪
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: The first cut was mine.
Lydia: It was more of a puncture, though. BLEHH!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Well, luckily, the first cut was just a distraction.

Stewart: Yeah, you’re super stabbable today, lady.

Lydia: I ONLY FEEL IT IN MY NON-STABBED PARTS

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: That’s stupid.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEG

Rebel: Hey, we doin’ charades?

Lydia: YOUR SOCIETY IS A CHARADE
Stewart: Tell us more clever things, dead lady!

Lydia: I’M GONNA WAKE ALL YOUR DUMB BABIES

Rebel: Honestly I’m not that interested.

Lydia: I’ll… be back… for… the finale.

Rebel: I don’t see why.
Dominic: She wasn’t much of a character.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: When did you two learn to speak?

Lydia: *extended death rattle*

Stewart: Hand-clasping doesn’t work anymore.
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: One more thing for the list.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Pretty quick work, with the sword there.
Stewart: I couldn’t’ve done it without your suddenly being a vampire for some reason.
The Grim Reaper: ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT GROSS BIOLOGICAL THING? BECAUSE I CAN ONLY DRY-HEAVE, AND I HATE DRY-HEAVING.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I think you and I got off on the wrong foot.
Stewart: Specifically, the foot on the accelerator of the car that ran my brother over.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Alright, you deserve this now.

Stewart: Yeah, how dare I remind you of that man you slaughtered.

The Grim Reaper: SO, ARE YOU GONNA STAB HIM NOW OR SHOULD I.

Stewart: You know, the last time someone turned one of us into a vampire, he became the first death in the Valley.
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Technically you’re already dead, since you’re a vampire.
Stewart: DON’T DISRUPT THE CHRONOLOGY

Stewart: Bleh! Am I cool now?

It would take a lot more than vampirism.

First of all you’d need to not be Stewart.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: He’s pretty much always needed that.

Stewart: I thought you didn’t mind me!

I don’t, but I have to play to the audience.

Lydia: *inexplicably persistent scream*

Lydia’s Urn: *still screaming*

Stewart: I’ll desist it.

Stewart: BOO URNS

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Sort of an unorthodox way to dust vampires, but hey.

Stewart: I still liked her better than that old chick.

Stewart: I was so fixated on the hot murderer I summoned, I didn’t notice the hotter murderer right under my nose!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Bring that nose in here, bud.

Stewart: After all this time, you’re still attracted to me?
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: It’s a curse. I’ve got several.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: AND I BEAR THEM WITH GRACE

Speaking of bearing…

Whose kid is that?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: It’s probably a demon-spawn.
Stewart: I’m not super pumped to have it so close to my loins, honestly.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Babies should never be close to loins.

Except when they come out of them.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I’m glad we sorted this out.

Stewart: I’m not glad we wasted half our sex scene talking about babies.

Stewart: Now let me drink this floor drink I found.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Why?
Stewart: It might make you hotter.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I know a better way to go about that.

Boy, those blue pregnant blowjob fetishists are gonna love this chapter.

Stewart: I guess I’m one of those, now.

Stewart: And one of these, now.

Stewart: So that’s what my dick tastes like.

God, I hope that doesn’t end up being the Quote of the Day.

Stewart: WHAT VAMPIRE POWER IS THAT

Hey, ’13.

Grugly2013: Yo.

Vera Lynn died yesterday.

Grugly2013: Vera Lynn was alive?

Yeah, ’06 was super surprised.

Grugly2013: I’m seven years more surprised than that!

Stewart: I wish Veronica had died instead.

Stewart: Come to papa!
Dominic: Do I get to choose who that is?

It’s sad when a cool person dies.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

I just remembered that Ian Holm died today.

FUCK.

I’m such a nerd, that shouldn’t outweigh Vera Lynn.

Should it?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: ♪ We’ll meet again ♪

♪ Don’t know where ♪

Grugly2013: ♪ Don’t know whennnnn ♪

♪ But I know we’ll meet again ♪

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: ♪ Some sunny day… ♪

Grugly2013: ♪ Keep smiling through ♪

♪ Just like you always do ♪

Rebel: ♪ Blah blah old people music blah blah, blah blah blah! ♪

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I THINK I FEEL A VERA COMING ON

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: OR AN IAN

We just had an Ian, actually.

So I guess he’s retroactively a namesake.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: OHHHHHHHH LANGUAGE
Rebel: I will always be grateful for this retroactive gift of speech.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: OHHHHH I’M HAVING A PRINCELING OF DARKNESS AREN’T I

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: What if he comes for the baby?! STAY INSIDE! STAY INSIDE!

Stewart: I’m right here.
Dominic: Yeah, what’s up with that?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I can’t hold it any longer!

WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: …oh, it’s kinda normal-looking. That’s… almost disappointing, actually.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I shall name you Lydia.
Lydia: .oO(Why?)
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Because I know for a fact that it’s not in use.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I’m your momma!
Lydia: .oO(You’re terrifying.)

Yes, particularly the way she read your mind a minute ago.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: That was just for narrative convenience.

Stewart: There! You’ve learned how to tie your marshmallows.

I don’t think any power on earth could induce me to put my hand where she’s putting her hand.

I don’t want pee on my hand, is what I’m saying.

Stewart: Bleh! Are you gonna make her a vampire?
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Biting babies is generally not recommended?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Then again, I bet vampiric pregnancy isn’t recommended either.

Stewart: Honestly, vampiric anything seems like kind of a bummer.

Let me just go back to this unused pic for a sec.

That wheel, on the wall? That wall-wheel?

I just realized it’s definitely a reference to how Rosemarie ran Leonard over with the car.

That’s hilarious, and I love it.

Grugly2013: Thanks!
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I don’t know who Rosemarie is, but she sounds like a bitch.

Stewart: Oh, hey! You had a baby.

Thornmarie’s Baby. In a theatre near you, when theatres are a thing again.

(Do they need to be? I’d argue they don’t.)

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: You’re too dumb to be a vampire. Give it back.

Stewart: What’s this?
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Back-giver juice.

Stewart: Wow, all of a couple hours as a vampire, huh.
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: You get to keep the couple, but you need to lose the vampire.

FACESMASH

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I thought for sure you were at least intelligent enough to drink properly.
Stewart: I like to keep you guessing?

Stewart: …and so does this potion, apparently.

Stewart: You’re sure this actually does something?
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I’m not sure anything in this house actually does something.

Stewart: SUDDEN ATTACK OF THE MICHAEL-JACKSONS

Stewart: It’s so hot how you basically killed and then un-killed me.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Don’t make me regret the second part.

Grugly2013: I can never decide how to pair this bunch of characters up.

You could pair Thornmarie with someone interesting, and put Stewart, Margaret and Leonard in a blender.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Maybe his kid will turn out less shitty.

Stewart: Oh, likely not.

I like that evil witch look on you.

Grugly2013: It’s super hot.

Not a big fan of pics with no moving lips, though.

Grugly2013: Well, there’s a lot more where this came from.

Yes.

Thousands, in fact.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: You said something about taking a new approach, because this is a new year?

Yeah, but I’m an historian. I always fall back on the old things.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: BLEHBY

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Put it in here when you’re done.
Stewart: Let’s at least wait until she’s a toddler to write her off.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Your parents did that, and look what it got them.

Confidence: Main plot cameo!

Confidence: EXTENDED main-plot cameo!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I’ll see your main plot, and raise you a supermain plot.

Next time: statues! Very topical.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 1 May 2013.

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