The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 521

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In which the restraint required to not use last chapter’s rejected titles is considerable.

Ally: I am also experiencing restraint-related difficulties!

Ally: Okay, cards on the table. I’m sex-starved, horny, and can rotate my pelvis with the speed and force of a reciprocating engine.
Victor: I now reciprocate your horniness!

Ally: If only our animations lined up.
Victor: As long as the important geometry connects, it’ll be alright.

Ally: Wanna go break your grandpa’s bed?
Victor: Ha ha! That’s the least-sexy thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Victor: And yet the answer is still “yes!”

Laci: I hear voices upstairs.
Neil: I’ve often thought that about you.

Laci: You know, I’ve always admired your brutality.
Neil: The army appreciated it too! Not as much as the football league did, but still.

Whatcha readin’?

Michael: We the Living.

I’ve never heard of that.

Michael: Look it up.

…oh my GOD. You’re a Randian hipster!

I think I’ve identified the all-time worst kind of hipster.

Ally: My job here is to contain dangerous people. People who’ve had… weird things happen to them, sometimes. People who’ve been involved in crimes, often of a supernatural nature.
Victor: So, you’re basically a low-rent SCP Foundation.
Ally: No, we’re basically a no-rent SCP Foundation.

Victor: .oO(If I don’t open my mouth, he can’t make me say something stupid or advertise his interests.)

I can do it in low-light conditions, though.

Uma: NIGHT WALKS ALONE BY PRISONS ARE MY FAVOURITE SAFE THING TO DO BESIDES WATCHING BETTER CALL SAUL IN AN EMOTIONALLY-FRAGILE STATE!

I am so sick of these closed-mouth pics.

Grugly2013: So omit them!

So stop MAKING them!

Laci: He’s fighting himself again.
Neil: Better himself than us.

Laci: Also, I’m kind of pissed that you implied I hear voices.
Neil: Uh-huh.
Laci: When VICKI-
Neil: Uh-huh.
Laci: Are you even listening?
Neil: Uh-huh.

Ally: I like your scary goth dude look.
Victor: Uh-huh.
Ally: Are you even listening?
Victor: Yes, I’m just not very well-spoken.

Ally: Well, c’mere then. Let me teach your lips a thing or two.

Ally: SUCCESSFUL USE OF THE STRETCHSKELETON CHEAT! Also fairly hot smooches.

Victor: I was strongly tempted to catch you under the skirt.
Ally: I expect you catch you under the skirt very shortly!

Victor: What goes under that skirt won’t be short, lady.
Ally: Oooh.

Laci: Do you think our tale of death and betrayal will ever end?
Neil: The Maker’s gonna die some day.
Laci: Maybe he’ll give it to someone else to play.

No, I intend to fall over onto the last stored copy of this neighbourhood when I die, crushing it.

Ally: It’s good to have a plan.

Neil: FUCK YOU LOOKIN’ AT, DEAD LADY

That any good?

Michael: Tastes how it looks.

Low-res and pixellated?

Michael: Yep.

Laci: You and I have a lot to answer for, Neil.
Neil: Unfortunately in my old age I’ve forgotten all the answers.

Laci: Guess you’re gonna fail the test, then.
Neil: Better dead than egghead.

Laci: That’s rich.
Neil: I love being rich!
Laci: No, I mean, because your head basically is an egg.
Neil: What a strange way to become wealthy!

Ally: …your eyes are rolling back.
Victor: They do that sometimes. I think they forget they’re the result of albinism and not, like, vampirism or something.

Victor: Anyway he can fix it with the camera angle.

And make Ally look fat in the process.

Victor: Speaking of being made fat.

Ally:
Victor: …my pen-
Ally: YOUR PENIS, yes, of course.

Michael: Where’d that bitch go? I want her to taste this slop.

Michael: Hi Laci!
Laci: Welp, better warm up the chair, I guess.

Michael: They outlawed the death penalty a while back.
Laci: I thought I might attempt an independent revival!

Michael: You’re awful.
Laci: Takes one to be executed by one.

Michael: I’m not staging a jail-break, I just don’t want ants in my cell.

Neil: UH
Michael: You won’t shoot me, I’m basically the reincarnation of your first wife.

Ally: WHY won’t you let me near the window?
Victor: BECAUSE IT’S DIRTY

Ally: Are you hiding something from me?
Victor: Yes, I am hiding something which would prevent our having sex from you.
Ally: …okay, good call.

Dagmar: SECRET SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT INSTALLED! They’ll never know it’s there.

Michael: Is this… a sack of flour?

Michael: If I wake up in whiteface, I hope nobody thinks it’s racist.

It’ll just help you blend in better, honestly.

I think Neil rubs flour in his eyebrows every morning.

Victor: I’m more of a night-time ritual kind of guy.

Ally: I think I just found religion!

Victor: I can’t wait to take communion.

Victor: Alright, pistons and cylinders out!

Victor: Holy FUCK, it’s like you’re on a lathe or something!

Ally: WE’RE GETTIN’ LATHED!

Ally: HOW DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH BLOOD LEFT FOR YOUR BRAIN

Ally: There’s no penis like Sharpe penis.

Victor: I know.

Ally might be the best-looking Sim I didn’t make.

She might also be the best-looking Sim I haven’t made good use of.

But! There’s always tomorrow.

Neil: Yeah, that’s one of the worst things about todays.

Neil: Mornin’, officer candyhair!

Neil: Or should I say candy ASS?!

Laci: You had me at “ass.”
Neil: That was the last word I said.
Laci: Yeah, you cut it close alright.

Laci: Do you ever miss Victoria?
Neil: I’m not THAT old.

Laci: Victoria BENNETT. Your first wife?
Neil: I like to think she’s still with us, in the form of this prison.

Neil: Being married to her was like being in jail, even more so than with most marriages.

Neil: Being married to you was like being in jail, too, but the sex was better.

Laci: Screw you.

Victor: I think sex exists to make life worth living.

There’s also Doritos ® Dinamita ® chile limon tortilla chips.

Victor: …what?

I can’t get them anymore, and it’s the only thing about social isolation I currently can’t handle.

Ally: You know what I like handling?
Victor: I definitely noticed!

Ally: I want to secure to myself long-term handling rights.

Ally: Will you marry me? Or, at least, will your body?

Victor: I don’t know if I’m ready for this, but, my body is.

Ally: I’ll kill you if you cross me.

Victor: That’s hot.

Victor: There’s a good chance I might turn out to be a villain.
Ally: That’s hot.

Ohhhhhhh!

I just realized why I hate getting up in the morning.

Neil: Yeah, this does make it a lot easier to handle.
Laci: Handle me less easily, baby!

See? No sex, no wakey.

Neil: Sex is a part of this balanced fuckfest.

Neil: Sex with redheads is one of the four fuck groups!

Neil: Gosh, I hope there’s more than four of them.

Neil: Your hair defies the laws of physics.

Laci: The fuck you know about the laws of physics, dipshit?

Neil: I know I like what they do to your ass.

Elle: Happy Fucksgetting!

Next time: applied therapy.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 23 February 2013.

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