The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 520

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In which alternate possible titles include “A Brush with the Law” and “A Prison of Flesh.”

Michael: I’m rich. Can I pay for whatever that means to not happen?

Did you even get a trial?

Michael: Meh, who cares.

Um, due process?

Michael: I’m rich, weren’t you listening? I’m not gonna start approving of due process!

Victor: Hey, if you’re so rich, can we swap cars?
Michael: No, the main thing that gives me pleasure, as a rich person, is seeing my valuable things gather dust through long periods of disuse.

Michael: Hey baby!
Vicki: It can’t talk yet.

Vicki: Or if it can, my stomach’s too good an insulator.
Michael: Well hey, thanks for cameoing on the worst day of my life!

Michael: Next time I’ll remember to stab everyone.

Victor: Okay, so… no receptionist. That’s… good?

Michael: Maybe there’s an emergency! We should go.
Victor: Nothin’ doin’. If you get killed, that’s just one less thing on my to-do list for today.

Michael: What if I paid you to let me go? You might not have heard this over and over since we left my house, but I am wealthy.

Victor: How much are you offering? I’m already being bribed at a level very close to my limited ambitions.

Victor: Ooh! I’ll let you out if you let me take all your skin, and your eyes, and your hair, and let me have you entire life!

Victor: What kind of businessman won’t negotiate?

Laci: Well hello there, new meat!
Michael: I think this interaction is supposed to be less pleasant.
Victor: I’m getting some good ideas for new cop uniforms today.

Victor: Just for the female cops, you understand.
Laci: Teehee! Your chauvinism is so not repellent.

Michael: I like a woman who can pretend to like me.

Victor: Well, anyway, I’m turning over the murderpony to your custody.
Laci: We’ll take good care of him, you hunky, not-at-all-hideous police-thing.

Victor: I need to focus on your tone, and stop thinking about the words.
Laci: Yes.

Laci: Yes, I can fake the tone but the truth will out.

Laci: Bye?

Victor: Don’t take any stabbings!

Michael: You handled him like a PRO!
Laci: Pff. Victor’s barely peewee.

Laci: So, you stabbed a chick, huh?
Michael: I was framed.
Laci: By?
Michael: My brain.


Laci: Remind me again why my request for poison sprinklers in the cells was rejected?

Victor: Dude, your boss is super hot.
Neil: Yeah, she burns everything she touches alright.

Michael: Okay, so I’ve got some criticisms for the meal system.
Laci: Ugh.
Michael: I was thinking I could teach you guys to make vichyssoise?

Laci: I’m not making anything I can’t pronounce.

Michael: Okay, well, what about my seltzer water request?
Ally: Stick to the script, Laci.
Laci: Your request has been recorded.
Michael: Okay, but, when can I-
Laci: Your request has been recorded.

Ally: Do you think you could maybe not make a giant pain in the ass out of yourself?
Laci: Or remind me of my ex-husband?
Michael: I would really like to not do that second one.

Michael: Look, I’m just not used to their being constraints on my life.
Ally: Yes, you do look like that.

Ally: But you DID murder someone.
Michael: I didn’t mean to!
Ally: Shit, really? Well, you know where the door is.

Ally: Of course, we know where the machine guns are.

Laci: We should overthrow Ally.
Neil: Might get the mayor’s attention.
Laci: So we overthrow the mayor!
Neil: The governor might take issue with that.
Laci: Oh, honey! Our daughter will take care of the governor.

Neil: The governor is my SON.
Laci: We can’t let nepotism get in the way of our nefarious plans!

Michael: So, what rights do I have in here?
Ally: Uh… food, I guess.
Michael: How about shoes?
Ally: No, we don’t want any hangings.
Michael: …with the shoelaces, you mean?
Ally: Yeah.
Michael: Are there LEPRECHAUNS in your jail?!

Michael: Look. I was a judge. I did some reading on these matters, and I think… I think… there’s this thing called a lawyer I’m supposed to have?

Ally: Sure, I can call you a lawyer.
Michael: I’d rather you stopped calling me a prisoner, hot stuff!

Ally: Before this goes any further, I just want you to know that I could turn your head around seven hundred and twenty degrees before you even considered escaping.
Michael: Assassin before the fact! Frightening.

Michael: Who the fuck is THAT?
Ally: A kid with a gigantic schlong.
Victor: It likes you too, Madame Warden.


Ally: You’re not! Neil is.


Michael: How do you get your hair that colour?
Laci: Crushed insects.

Karina: Are you kidding?! Seltzer water is guaranteed to all prisoners by the Treaty of Versailles! I’m coming right down there.
Laci: Oh, she’s a lawyer in the sense that Alvin’s a scientist, then.

Ally: Maybe I should call a competent lawyer instead.
Karina: I’m plenty competent. I just thought maybe you weren’t.

Ally: Alright, well, come on down.
Karina: Is that him in the background I hear?
Ally: Yeah.

Michael: She’s got a point!

Michael: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

…you okay?

Karina: I’m adding a drizzle surcharge.

Karina: That’s a strangulation hazard.
Laci: Keep pushing and you’ll find out if that’s true.

Karina: Client!
Michael: Lawyer!

Karina: You may call me Ms. Butterface.

Michael: Man, you don’t even NEED a face, with a body like that.

Karina: That canary yellow really complements your eyes, and the fact that you’re a jailbird.

Michael: Should we maybe be doing law stuff?
Karina: It works better if I like you enough to pull the really dirty tricks.

Michael: You mean dirty law tricks, right?
Karina: Either/or.

Karina: You’ve got a lot of balls saying the murder was accidental.

Michael: I was being mind-controlled!
Karina: You’re a Fortune Sim! Literally only one thing controls your mind.

Karina: I could trigger an orgasm just by splashing your face with dollar bills.

Michael: Or you could do it the old-fashioned way.

Michael: Look. I’m innocent. Just like Vicki!
Karina: Vicki got off on a technicality.
Michael: What was the technicality?
Karina: Being a much more interesting character than you are.

Michael: So, let’s make me a more interesting character!

Michael: I think you’re plenty interesting! Not many chicks have such an obviously-botched skintone!

Karina: Yeah, thanks for that by the way.

I’ve gotten much better at it since.

Not that it’ll help you any.

Ally: I wonder how many drinks it’ll take to confuse you with your son?

Victor: Probably less if you substitute me in.

Karina: Okay, who can we rely on as character witnesses?
Michael: The Maker.
Karina: Uh.
Michael: What? He designed my character.

Karina: Alright, we’ll put a pin in that. How about the guy who rates businesses? You won some awards, right?
Michael: I don’t even think that guy can speak. He might not be a guy, actually. I think he’s just a game mechanic disguised as a guy.

Michael: Maybe YOU could speak on my behalf!
Karina: I don’t know you that well, yet.
Michael: We could work on that lawyer-client privilege thing!

Karina: That… doesn’t refer to having sex with your lawyer.
Michael: Okay, well, you could explain the correct terminology to me while we’re having sex, then.

Karina: I’m supposed to be getting you off, here!
Michael: W-
Karina: DON’T FOLLOW UP ON THAT, I spoke without thinking.

Michael: Alright, listen. I’m gonna write up a statement, and you can take it to the SCIA.
Karina: I don’t even know where that is.
Michael: Stand around looking hot, William will show up to seduce you and you can ask him.

Karina: What?
Michael: …nothing, just deciding if I can stand getting his sloppy seconds.

Karina: I didn’t go to law school to get pimped out by a client.
Michael: No, but back then you probably didn’t know about men with penises so large they’ve become nearly sentient, either.

Karina: How long? THIS large?

Karina: LARGER?!

Michael: I’m sure you’ll do your best.
Karina: Good, I hate having to convince people of that by actually doing my best.

Karina: You seem a little tense.
Michael: I’m trapped in jail.
Karina: With nobody to stab, eh? Poor you.

Michael: Don’t you believe that I’m innocent?
Karina: I really, really hope you’re not.

Michael: I’m only innocent in terms of stabbing.

Michael: I’d never stab someone who didn’t want me to stab them!
Karina: Is that a ref-
Michael: Yeah, it’s a reference to sex. I’ve been in jail for AGES!

Karina: You’ve been in jail for less than o-
Michael: AGES.

Karina: …right. Sure. Whatever.

The porn version of Basic Instinct was a lot less subtle.

Neil: I’m too drunk to understand subtlety now anyways.

Sure, blame it on the drink.

Michael: I just know ENTROPY is framing me!
Karina: Sure, blame it on the villains.

Victor: It would almost be worth getting arrested, to get to sit at a court bench behind that.

Karina: Alternatively, you could put me on retainer.

Karina: It’s good to know you care.
Michael: Money isn’t ev.
Karina: Pardon?
Michael: Money isn’t ever.
Karina: What?

Karina: That’s a safe statement.

Karina: It’s the though that counts.
Michael: I had to think it in half-thoughts, actually. When I put the whole concept together my entire brain rejected it.

Karina: I like a man who’s consistent.
Michael: Does that mean I need to stab you?

Karina: As long as it’s not with a sword.

Michael: Do you lawyer as good as you kiss?
Karina: Depends on whether I’m lawyering for guilty people or not.

Michael: I think that’s the same as saying “no.”

Karina: I’ll kiss you extra, then, to compensate.

Karina: I’ll be in touch.
Michael: Yes, please continue touching me.

Michael: …I’m gonna die in here, aren’t I?

Next time: jailhouse cocks.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 23 February 2013.

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