The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 517

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In which how ’bout them tree apples?

Kelsey: Hmm, which swatch should I wear today?

Honestly, it DOES look like a random assemblage of swatchery.

Kelsey: Most people would’ve been content with “swatches.”

That’s one reason I wasn’t.

Chelsea: Chelsea’s House of Diapers, how may you help me please help me?

Chelsea: Please help me.

Chelsea: Are you a mime? Is this a mime call?

Chelsea: Open your fucking mouth, idiot, he’s not gonna give you dialogue otherwise.

Kelsey: Hi, mom!

Kelsey: I’m all growed up!
Chelsea: …Dylan?
Kelsey: My name is Kelsey.
Chelsea: …are you out of diapers?
Kelsey: Oh, long since.

Kelsey: I knew you’d be excited to hear from me!
Chelsea: Yeah, that’s the strange thing about decade-long abductions! They kinda stick with you.

Kelsey: Okay, well, full disclosure: the abduction pretty much ended ages ago. It just never occurred to the Maker, and therefore me, to close the cold case.

Kelsey: You wanna meet somewhere?

Kelsey: We’ll make a chapter of it!

Kelsey: Maybe two, if he’s feeling lazy.

I’m feeling lazy.

Kelsey: I’m feeling shitty.

Bit nippy for that outfit, isn’t it?

Chelsea: This is my nippy outfit!

Chelsea: DYLAN!
Kelsey: MOM!
Pierce: Make a joke about “Pierce” and “nippy!”
Chelsea: Ah, there’s no precious moment that emergent gameplay can’t wreck.

Pierce: I’m green!

Chelsea: I can’t believe it! You are all growed up!
Kelsey: You’re so pretty! And mostly naked!
Chelsea: Yeah, you’re dressed pretty prudishly by comparison.

Kelsey: I wish this moment could last forever!
Grugly2013: I’m making a solid effort here!

Kelsey: Let me kiss your hair.

Chelsea: Who brought you up?
Kelsey: The Whites, and the Woodrows.
Chelsea: So, the whites and the whiter whites, then?

Chelsea: I thought I’d lost you forever! You just… disappeared one day!
Kelsey: Yeah, Daisy literally just… stole me, I think.
Chelsea: That’s so wacky!

Kelsey: …”wacky”?
Chelsea: And traumatic, of course, but you’ve gotta admit it’s pretty wacky.

Chelsea: I’m sorry I couldn’t see you grow up, but I’m not sorry for all the extra sleep I got!

Chelsea: You’ve gotta understand, right now with all the pants-shitting happening in my house, a near-adult daughter I’ve never really met seems like a pretty good deal.
Kelsey: You’re standing on my flowers.
Chelsea: See? Babies don’t give a fuck about flowers!

Chelsea: There’s one particular flower I’d like to stand on, though.
Kelsey: There’s a very good chance she’s a serial killer.
Chelsea: Remind me to tell you the story of that mascot I machine-gunned.


She’s been back for years.


Kelsey: You wanna hit the road, see the sights or something?
Chelsea: Yeah, I’m not used to these 1×1 lots, they’re super claustrophobic.

Chelsea: You ever gone bowling?
Kelsey: Nope!
Chelsea: Guess they’re not as white as I thought they were.

Chelsea: That’s the wrong way.
Kelsey: All ways are the right way, eventually.

Kelsey: Mom!
Chelsea: Dylan!
Kelsey: You’re gonna keep calling me that, huh?
Chelsea: Yeah, for some reason I’m not keen on your SLAVE NAME

Brooke: Welcome to Rockin’ Rollin’ Bowlin’, where the fun never stops for decades at a time.

I’m honestly not sure anyone’s been here since Stephen and Abigail’s first date.

So I guess the time spent building THIS lot went to good purpose…

Chelsea: You need a hand with that?
Kelsey: Yes, you can’t manipulate it otherwise.

Chelsea: Wow! You developed sarcasm on your own!
Kelsey: No, Daisy was plenty sarcastic. I remember how she used to deflect criticism with “It’s not like I’m a murderer or something!” I always thought the subsequent laughing fits were suspiciously long-winded.

Chelsea: Hey, have you tried fucking William?

Chelsea: I would recommend it to any vagina-possessing person.

Kelsey: As distractions go, that was a pretty effective one.

You have been chosen.

Chelsea: He’s got stamina like his dick is long, baby.
Kelsey: I can’t believe I’ve been missing out on all this good, important advice!

Kelsey: All Daisy ever taught me was how to throw things properly.

Kelsey: “Just in case you ever need to axe murder someone,” she’d joke, which also should’ve been, in hindsight, something of a red flag.

Kelsey: Still, can’t fault her results.

Dr. Joe: Amazing! I credit my facelift.

Chelsea: You got a facelift?
Kelsey: Guys don’t make passes at girls with melted pudding for faces.

Chelsea: I had a melted pudding face.
Dr. Joe: And I see you’ve unwisely chosen to honour that heritage!

Kelsey: Alright, let’s call it. There ain’t no dudes but uglies here.

Chelsea: More like BUTT uglies.
Dr. Joe: Not from where I’m standing.

Dr. Joe: If your butt’s ugly-
Chelsea: I was referring to your-

Dr. Joe: If your butt’s ugly, I want to bump uglies with you.

Kelsey: Yeah MOM!
Chelsea: Master of pegs!

Kelsey: Let’s commemorate the occasion!

I’ve already taken, like, a few dozen pics.

Kelsey: Yeah, but let’s get a professional one done.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: *frozen with rage*
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Oh, briefs, definitely. You need the extra airflow.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Hey, can I drop by the hospital later? I want to poach some components from your machinery while you’re not looking.
Dr. Joe: I’m not on today.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Ah! That’ll make it even easier!

Kelsey: It’s perfect! Captured all our imperfections.

Time, time time

Chelsea: ♪ See what’s become of me… ♪
Kelsey: What?
Chelsea: Just wistfully setting up the musical number, nothing else to see or hear here.

Kelsey: Let me get a shot of you being a mopey dork.

Chelsea: I will FIGHT YOU for my pictorial representation!

Kelsey: Alright, so, we’ve gone bowling. What do we do next?
Chelsea: In Simerica, that’s a dangerous question.

Kelsey: It will always be too soon for the joke you almost made, there.
Chelsea: It’s never to soon to remind people their country sucks.

Kelsey: Mom!
Chelsea: Marriage!
Kelsey: What?

♪ Time, time, time ♪

Kelsey: ♪ See what’s become of me ♪

♪ As I look around for my possibilities ♪

♪ I was so hard to please ♪

Kelsey: ♪ Look around ♪
Chelsea: ♪ Leaves are… green ♪
Kelsey: ♪ And the sky ♪
Chelsea: ♪ Is a… charming… shade of… blue ♪

Yeah, pathetic fallacy can only get you so far.

Kelsey: Faster! The pathetic fellacy is gaining on us!

Kelsey: I’m gonna look through the crack, like a REBEL

Some day I’ll have a distant terrain skybox so the horizon doesn’t cut off like that.

Kelsey: ♪ Hang on to your hopes, my friend ♪

Chelsea: ♪ That’s an easy thing to say ♪

♪ But if your hopes should pass away, simply pretend ♪

Chelsea: ♪ That you can build them again… ♪

Kelsey: People can come back from any tragedy.
Chelsea: Where’d you learn that?
Kelsey: The Walking Dead. They must have periodic mindwipes to keep from walking off a cliff en masse like lemmings.

Kelsey: Speaking of cliffs, this place is terrifying.

I do not disagree.

Seriously? ANTHONY?!

Kelsey: Hey, man, I can’t help it! ♪ It’s the springtime of my life, ♪ after all.

♪ Seasons change with the scenery ♪

♪ Weaving time in a tapestry ♪

Kelsey: ♪ Won’t you stop and remember me? ♪

Sure, why not.

Next time: love mother, love daughter.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 23 February 2013.

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