The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 516

Click Here for Previous Entries!

In which we return to the dick palace as though we didn’t just spend two entire days in the past.

…the other past.

The PASTER past.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I think he’s losing it.
Ian: You think he had it?!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: So, do you think it’s my generation’s time to shine?
Ian: I think we’re still in Gen 2.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: But it’s been FIVE HUNDRED CHAPTERS

Actually, we missed the five hundred chapterth anniversary of Gen 2. It was probably… Chapter 511.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: That’s when the zombie apocalypse started. It was before your time.
Ian: It was before your time too!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yeah, but it was beforer your time, because your time still hasn’t happened yet.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Maybe your time will be the death wizard time.
Ian: Can I see some other options first?

Ian: I don’t want to be death wizarded!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I won’t judge.
Alvin: I will!

Belinda the Malevolent: MELF with a SHELF!
Richard: …what?
Belinda the Malevolent: Man Everyone would Like to Fuck!
Richard: …okay, but what’s the shelf?
Belinda the Malevolent: Hold on, let me put something on it.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’ve never heard of putting something on a shelf sexually before.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: …hi. Welcome to Lyndsey’s House of Stupid Naked Dance Faces. Everything is normal.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I think she bought it.
Valerie: And it cost TOO MUCH

Valerie: Hmm. Okay. I’ve got the dancing down, I’ve got the stupid face down…
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Now all you need to do is let your dress down!

Valerie: Maybe we can build to that?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: This isn’t about construction, lady, it’s about deconstruction.

Alvin: On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the goods and services available at this location?

Richard: Okay, so, Lance.
Belinda the Malevolent: Hahaha!
Richard: What are you laughing at?
Belinda the Malevolent: I was thinking Lance would be a better name for you, shelf boy.

Richard: It’s more of a halberd.
Belinda the Malevolent: OH GOOD YOU’RE A NERD I CAN LEAVE

Belinda the Malevolent: Don’t let the giant schlong fool you.
Wren: Yeah, sorry, it definitely will.

Wren: Don’t you think us G3 Sims have to stick together?
Richard: I am in favour of sticking together with you, yes.

Wren: You don’t need to advertise more than you already are, bud.

Ian: Ooh, a thought-controlled girlfriend! I’ve always wanted one of those, probably!

Richard: Did you pay your entrance fee?
Wren: I thought I’d entrance you instead.

Wren: That’ll be five bucks.

Richard: I’d rather buck you than her.

Valerie: You spelled “then” wrong, and also there should’ve been a comma in there somewhere.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Hey baby, put your comma in me somewhere.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Preferably one of the approved holes.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Don’t put your dick in my eye.

Ian: If I suddenly want to, is there a surcharge I can pay?

I can’t remember if I said I wouldn’t say “dick” as much in this chapter.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: If you did, it must have been before you saw how many dicks there are in it.

And how few segues.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Why would the segues affect your use of the word “dick”?

Because I want to call Past!Grugly a dick for not including segues.

Ian: Call my agent, tell him to use this as my headshot.

Valerie: Headshots in this setting are unlikely to be what you’re thinking of.

Valerie: A sniper on every rooftop, I’ll bet.

Richard: Where you going?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Vicki said there’s a sniper on every rooftop, and I don’t want it to be me.

Sinjin: Oh! That’s my favourite song!

I want to be moved by the feelings. I just want to follow the feeling. ♪

Who are you? I don’t know you. Who are you?

Past!Grugly: I want to get to know her.




Valerie: Wanna bang?

Do psychiatrists go to brothels?

Bambi: I’m not a psychiatrist.

Psychologists, then?

Bambi: Not a psychologist either.

Richard: The question is, do BAMBIS go to brothels?

Bambi: The answer depends on whether Bambis have pockets.

Sinjin: I think you’d look very pretty in clothing.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: …what clothing?
Sinjin: Opaque clothing.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Goodbye.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: GOODBYE

Ian: If I buy TWO tickets, can I have TWO women?
Richard: You might have to give the ticket to Bambi, for that to happen.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yeah, we need to get a second employee up in this bitch-house.

Bambi: Isn’t this all just your way of coping with the death of your mother?
Richard: Should you be trying to dismantle my coping mechanisms?
Bambi: I’d probably be able to answer that, if I were a psychiatrist or a psychologist.

Richard: So what if this was the site of a mass murder?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: An EMPLOYEE-ONLY mass murder, allow me to assure you!

Richard: I’m gonna make a name for myself here.
Bambi: Oh, you mean, like, a pimp name?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Can I interest you in a season pass?
Ian: Explain it to me.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: It takes, on average, more than fifty intense social interactions to create a romantic relationship. Can you afford to attempt that process in only one sitting?
Ian: Can I afford multiple sittings, is a better question.

Ian: How much for a face-sitting?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Sorry, that’s romantic.

Ian: How is FACE-SITTING romantic?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I don’t make the rules, I just make the love.

Bambi: Isn’t this just your coping mechanism for the absence of your successful, unloving father?
Richard: Isn’t this just your coping mechanism for your inferiority complex, as a non-professional engaged in medical matters far above her competency level?
Bambi: NO YOU

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Town bicycle? Ha! No, I prefer town school bus.
Ian: How’s that work?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Ten times the passenger load, a much higher rate of speed, and as well-oiled as you like.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: We’re thinking of hiring that redbedhead.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: She thinks we should stick together, because we’re all gonna die soon.
Ian: Yes, good idea, concentration camp yourselves.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: No, you see, the murder wizard seems to be going after Maxis Sims. We’re all custom.
Ian: Wow! And here I thought Harry Potter racism was silly.

Ian: Wait, how Maxis am I?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Just the facial template, I think.
Ian: Oh, he doesn’t measure blood quantum or do phrenology or anything…?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Trust me, pal, if you were Maxis enough for the upcoming Simocide, you’d be too Maxis to Slow Dance with.

Richard: I’m gonna get all my friends here, and we’re gonna ride out the murder wizard storm!
Bambi: Isn’t that just a coping mechanism for-

Ian: I’ve got an umbrella at home.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Don’t be silly. You haven’t got a home.

Richard: So, what’ll it be? Sex on a psychiatrist couch? Or just sex on a psychiatrist?

Bambi: I’m determined never to fall in love with anyone more intelligent than me.
Richard: I’d say you might want to reconsider that, but you might not be intelligent enough.

Y’know, you could naked jump-rope at home.

Valerie: You won’t let me do ANYTHING at home. You keep focusing on-

-the real characters, you’re right!


Richard: You’re not qualified to analyze me. You’re just a prison screw.
Bambi: I’m the manager of a mental institution!
Richard: No, you’re the manager of one, very large prison cell!

Valerie: There any spare dicks in here, or do we need to take turns?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: No and no.

Valerie: Hey loser, why don’t you take off?
Ian: I thought you wanted a dick.
Valerie: …you’re right. Hey loser, why don’t you take your pants off?

Valerie: And let me screw you.

I can’t believe that didn’t work.


Valerie: Fuckin’ circus music.

Yusun: This the fuckin’ circus?

Ian: Best Victorian gothic nightmare mansion sex joint in Centreborough!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: We know how to fill a niche, alright.

Ian: I approve of niche-filling.

Richard: “Isn’t this just your coping mechanism for being HUNGRY?” Fuckin’ idiot.

Next time: a family-outing.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 23 February 2013.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.