In which we return to the dick palace as though we didn’t just spend two entire days in the past.
…the other past.
The PASTER past.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I think he’s losing it.
Ian: You think he had it?!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: So, do you think it’s my generation’s time to shine?
Ian: I think we’re still in Gen 2.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: But it’s been FIVE HUNDRED CHAPTERS
Actually, we missed the five hundred chapterth anniversary of Gen 2. It was probably… Chapter 511.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: That’s when the zombie apocalypse started. It was before your time.
Ian: It was before your time too!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yeah, but it was beforer your time, because your time still hasn’t happened yet.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Maybe your time will be the death wizard time.
Ian: Can I see some other options first?
Ian: I don’t want to be death wizarded!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I won’t judge.
Alvin: I will!
Belinda the Malevolent: MELF with a SHELF!
Belinda the Malevolent: Man Everyone would Like to Fuck!
Richard: …okay, but what’s the shelf?
Belinda the Malevolent: Hold on, let me put something on it.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’ve never heard of putting something on a shelf sexually before.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: …hi. Welcome to Lyndsey’s House of Stupid Naked Dance Faces. Everything is normal.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I think she bought it.
Valerie: And it cost TOO MUCH
Valerie: Hmm. Okay. I’ve got the dancing down, I’ve got the stupid face down…
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Now all you need to do is let your dress down!
Valerie: Maybe we can build to that?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: This isn’t about construction, lady, it’s about deconstruction.
Alvin: On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the goods and services available at this location?
Richard: Okay, so, Lance.
Belinda the Malevolent: Hahaha!
Richard: What are you laughing at?
Belinda the Malevolent: I was thinking Lance would be a better name for you, shelf boy.
Richard: It’s more of a halberd.
Belinda the Malevolent: OH GOOD YOU’RE A NERD I CAN LEAVE
Belinda the Malevolent: Don’t let the giant schlong fool you.
Wren: Yeah, sorry, it definitely will.
Wren: Don’t you think us G3 Sims have to stick together?
Richard: I am in favour of sticking together with you, yes.
Wren: You don’t need to advertise more than you already are, bud.
Ian: Ooh, a thought-controlled girlfriend! I’ve always wanted one of those, probably!
Richard: Did you pay your entrance fee?
Wren: I thought I’d entrance you instead.
Wren: That’ll be five bucks.
Richard: I’d rather buck you than her.
Valerie: You spelled “then” wrong, and also there should’ve been a comma in there somewhere.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Hey baby, put your comma in me somewhere.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Preferably one of the approved holes.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Don’t put your dick in my eye.
Ian: If I suddenly want to, is there a surcharge I can pay?
I can’t remember if I said I wouldn’t say “dick” as much in this chapter.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: If you did, it must have been before you saw how many dicks there are in it.
And how few segues.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Why would the segues affect your use of the word “dick”?
Because I want to call Past!Grugly a dick for not including segues.
Ian: Call my agent, tell him to use this as my headshot.
Valerie: Headshots in this setting are unlikely to be what you’re thinking of.
Valerie: A sniper on every rooftop, I’ll bet.
Richard: Where you going?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Vicki said there’s a sniper on every rooftop, and I don’t want it to be me.
Sinjin: Oh! That’s my favourite song!
Who are you? I don’t know you. Who are you?
Past!Grugly: I want to get to know her.
ALRIGHT MAN, GET A HOLD OF YOUR BREASTS
I MEAN YOURSELF
WHAT AN IMPROBABLE SLIP
Valerie: Wanna bang?
Richard: YOUR TITS ARE INFERIOR
Do psychiatrists go to brothels?
Bambi: I’m not a psychiatrist.
Bambi: Not a psychologist either.
Richard: The question is, do BAMBIS go to brothels?
Bambi: The answer depends on whether Bambis have pockets.
Sinjin: I think you’d look very pretty in clothing.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: …what clothing?
Sinjin: Opaque clothing.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Goodbye.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: GOODBYE
Ian: If I buy TWO tickets, can I have TWO women?
Richard: You might have to give the ticket to Bambi, for that to happen.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yeah, we need to get a second employee up in this bitch-house.
Bambi: Isn’t this all just your way of coping with the death of your mother?
Richard: Should you be trying to dismantle my coping mechanisms?
Bambi: I’d probably be able to answer that, if I were a psychiatrist or a psychologist.
Richard: So what if this was the site of a mass murder?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: An EMPLOYEE-ONLY mass murder, allow me to assure you!
Richard: I’m gonna make a name for myself here.
Bambi: Oh, you mean, like, a pimp name?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Can I interest you in a season pass?
Ian: Explain it to me.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: It takes, on average, more than fifty intense social interactions to create a romantic relationship. Can you afford to attempt that process in only one sitting?
Ian: Can I afford multiple sittings, is a better question.
Ian: How much for a face-sitting?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Sorry, that’s romantic.
Ian: How is FACE-SITTING romantic?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I don’t make the rules, I just make the love.
Bambi: Isn’t this just your coping mechanism for the absence of your successful, unloving father?
Richard: Isn’t this just your coping mechanism for your inferiority complex, as a non-professional engaged in medical matters far above her competency level?
Bambi: NO YOU
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Town bicycle? Ha! No, I prefer town school bus.
Ian: How’s that work?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Ten times the passenger load, a much higher rate of speed, and as well-oiled as you like.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: We’re thinking of hiring that redbedhead.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: She thinks we should stick together, because we’re all gonna die soon.
Ian: Yes, good idea, concentration camp yourselves.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: No, you see, the murder wizard seems to be going after Maxis Sims. We’re all custom.
Ian: Wow! And here I thought Harry Potter racism was silly.
Ian: Wait, how Maxis am I?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Just the facial template, I think.
Ian: Oh, he doesn’t measure blood quantum or do phrenology or anything…?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Trust me, pal, if you were Maxis enough for the upcoming Simocide, you’d be too Maxis to Slow Dance with.
Richard: I’m gonna get all my friends here, and we’re gonna ride out the murder wizard storm!
Bambi: Isn’t that just a coping mechanism for-
Richard: IT’S A COPING MECHANISM FOR MURDER WIZARD STORMS!
Ian: I’ve got an umbrella at home.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Don’t be silly. You haven’t got a home.
Richard: So, what’ll it be? Sex on a psychiatrist couch? Or just sex on a psychiatrist?
Bambi: I’m determined never to fall in love with anyone more intelligent than me.
Richard: I’d say you might want to reconsider that, but you might not be intelligent enough.
Y’know, you could naked jump-rope at home.
Valerie: You won’t let me do ANYTHING at home. You keep focusing on-
-the real characters, you’re right!
Richard: You’re not qualified to analyze me. You’re just a prison screw.
Bambi: I’m the manager of a mental institution!
Richard: No, you’re the manager of one, very large prison cell!
Valerie: There any spare dicks in here, or do we need to take turns?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: No and no.
Valerie: Hey loser, why don’t you take off?
Ian: I thought you wanted a dick.
Valerie: …you’re right. Hey loser, why don’t you take your pants off?
Valerie: And let me screw you.
I can’t believe that didn’t work.
♪ LA DADADA DA. LA DADADA DA. LA DADADA DADA DA. ♪
Valerie: Fuckin’ circus music.
Yusun: This the fuckin’ circus?
Ian: Best Victorian gothic nightmare mansion sex joint in Centreborough!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: We know how to fill a niche, alright.
Ian: I approve of niche-filling.
Richard: “Isn’t this just your coping mechanism for being HUNGRY?” Fuckin’ idiot.
Next time: a family-outing.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 23 February 2013.