The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 515

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In which one word gets much mileage

Richard: Sure, sure, everybody leave at the start of the chapter.
Lainey: Don’t blame her, she’s French, she’s always naturally in retreat.
Jizelle: Tushý!

Jizelle: Wee wee!

Belinda the Malevolent: I’ll take two tickets to paradise, please.

Belinda the Malevolent: Who knew paradise would be so dumpy?

Richard: I’d like to dumpy in-
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ABORT.

Richard: I’d like to abor-
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ABORT ABORT

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Let me write your dialogue from now on.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: …maybe let me write everything.

Richard:You gonna buy one, or…?
Belinda the Malevolent: I’m trying to figure out what kind of spell will scramble its circuits.
Richard: I’ve seen people try kicking it…

Richard: Hey baby, wanna kick it with me?
Belinda the Malevolent: If I can figure out how to magically spoof a debit card, sure.

Richard: Welcome to Dick’s House of Richard!

Belinda the Malevolent: I’m not sure how to unpack that.
Richard: Good news! The dicks are always pre-unpacked at Dick’s House of Richard!

Richard: You in?
Belinda the Malevolent: Yeah, the floor model convinced me.

Richard: You won’t regret it.
Belinda the Malevolent: Or you will.

Bradleigh: I dunno if dicks are worth this much. I used to have one, you know.

You used to be one.

In fact, you still kind of are.

Bradleigh: I’ve seen bigger dicks.
Richard: But have you TOUCHED bigger dicks?
Bradleigh: Fair point!

Bradleigh: All the big dicks I saw were back when I had one!
Venkat: I must have missed… a lot of somethings, here.

Richard: If you’re shopping for dick-on-dick action, I can’t offer you anything as a customer, but I can offer you a job.

Richard: We need some gay dicks in my dick house.

Venkat: I’m not into dicks. You got boobs in your dick house?
Bradleigh: If I bring my boobs into your dick house, will you sell them to him?
Richard: I honestly didn’t expect this to become so complicated.

Bradleigh: Fuck it, let’s see what happens.
Venkat: The first words from most apocalypses.

Richard: If the world’s gonna end, at least we’ll meet it on our backs.

Richard: You wanna maybe sit a bit closer? Be friendly?
Belinda the Malevolent: Even if friendly was my middle AND last name, my title would cancel them out.

Belinda the Malevolent: Clearly I just bought a ticket to sit on this fabulous couch.

Belinda the Malevolent: That’s the whole joke of this place, right? No sex in the sex joint?

Richard: I didn’t open it as a JOKE. I opened it to make MONEY! A sense of humour is incompatible with capitalism.

Bradleigh: I’m not related to you, am I?
Richard: Do we look related?
Bradleigh: No, but you’d be surprised how little I look like I used to look.

Bradleigh: It’s just, right now I think the Prices are the only ones with no incest to speak of, and we’d like to keep it that way.

Richard: I put that damn ticket-taker out there so only sex customers would come in!
Belinda the Malevolent: If people want to pay you to sit on your couch, what’s the big deal?

Richard: Which sounds like the stupidest business model of all time, now I say it out loud.

Belinda the Malevolent: Nah, have you heard of online slot machines?

Venkat: I hear they run trains in here. Do you think they’ve got any Lionels?
Bradleigh: …you need something explained to you, and I don’t wanna do the explaining.

Bradleigh: Okay YOU I’m DEFINITELY related to.
Venkat: I guess a threesome is out of the question, then?

Bradleigh: …Lyndsey?
Venkat: Is that a-
Lyndsey Price the Witch: YES IT’S OUT OF THE QUESTION

Lyndsey Price the Witch: You let my dad in?
Richard: Should you still call her that?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’ve already got a mom.
Richard: She’s dead, though, right?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: So she ceases to exist?!

Bradleigh: We could just bring your mom back, you know.

I wish my world was fictional.

Okay, fuck it.

I’m not captioning any more closed mouths, EVER.

Belinda the Malevolent: Luckily I’m far enough away that it could go either way.

Belinda the Malevolent: I approve of Dick’s House of Awkward Floor Conversations, by the way.

Belinda the Malevolent: I’m crushing your dick.
Richard: Well, it’s what you paid for.

Richard: Wanna crush my wet dick?
Belinda the Malevolent: …that’s a hot tub reference?
Richard: God, I hope so.

Venkat: So, this is basically still a brothel.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yeah, but it’s a brothel in such a vague sense that sometimes you pay sex money for no sex.

Belinda the Malevolent: It’s the most evilest plan ever! I like it.

Bradleigh: I can’t wait to tell the internet about these fantastic balconies.

Belinda the Malevolent: Have you seen Dick?
Bradleigh: Baby, I’ve seen so much dick.

You appear to have no vagina.

Belinda the Malevolent: It’s there.

I can’t see it, though.

Belinda the Malevolent: Well I can’t see your dick, so…

Richard: Did you just accuse the Maker of having no genitals?
Belinda the Malevolent: Yeah, society is really breaking down now, isn’t it?

Belinda the Malevolent: As long as the dicks persist, life goes on.

Belinda the Malevolent: Check out this sweet engagement ring!

Richard: Get that commitment shit OUT OF HERE!

Belinda the Malevolent: Commitment isn’t contagious, Richard.

Richard: So you’re saying nobody gave it to you?

Bradleigh: Hey, you gonna give it to somebody already, dude?

Holding a portable video game system over a balcony gives me hives.

Belinda the Malevolent: That’s why I do it!



Richard: No, but I had nothing else to say.

Richard: Never shake hands with Santa.

Bradleigh: So hey, are you related to my evil roof wizard friend?
Belinda the Malevolent: No, but I know who is.

Richard: …you’re kidding.
Bradleigh: What?

Ian: Man, if you don’t work here, who does?

Belinda the Malevolent: So you opened up a business without any idea for how it would work.
Richard: I figured I’d make it up as I go along.
Belinda the Malevolent: You figured you’d make up a BROTHEL as you go along.
Richard: You parsed my statement correctly, yes.


Lyndsey Price the Witch: …the TV is off.


Richard: Okay, new business model: everybody watch Lyndsey and me fuck.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I was thinking we’d just beat them up and rob them.

Belinda the Malevolent: I wouldn’t recommend it.


Richard: Please don’t scheme against my dick.

Bradleigh: Alright, I know when a storyline has run its course.
Belinda the Malevolent: Explain it to Grugly, please.

Belinda the Malevolent: Fast times at Dick’s House of Blasphemy.

Ian: This is my favourite shoe massage parlour.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Wanna fuck?
Ian: Hahahaha! Nope.

Richard: So, you’re pretty blue, huh?
Belinda the Malevolent: I’m green, outside.
Richard: Oh, well, don’t explain it then.

Belinda the Malevolent: You don’t want to know why I am the way I am.
Richard: I do want to know why you’re not on my dick.

Richard: The way you’re not on my dick.

Richard: He wants to be asked inside.

Richard: He thanks you.

Belinda the Malevolent: And what a thanks it is!

Belinda the Malevolent: When I go, I’m taking your dick with me.

Richard: Dick dick dick.

Richard: How many times?


Belinda the Malevolent: Thirty times what?
Richard: Thirty times DICK!

Belinda the Malevolent: I like that math!

Richard: Thirty-one now, actually.

Next time: more dick, but less… saying the word “dick.”


This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 February 2013 to 23 February 2013.

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