The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 514

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In which there’s a dick immediately below the cut.

William: Don’t call us a dick. Captain Sparkles doesn’t like being conflated.

William: He likes being inflated, though!

William: Both of us like naked oil ghosts.

William: We’re just discovering that now, not having had a lot of experience with them before.

Arcadia: Is she asleep?
William: Yes, but I think I’m about to faint.

Arcadia: You already knew I can walk through stuff.
William: There are some things which, even once you know about them, are still kind of horrifying to witness.

William: Honestly, if it wasn’t for your neon black tits getting my blood pumping, I’d have already cracked my head on the floor.

Arcadia: You must need a second heart to keep that thing erect.

William: Two hearts would certainly explain all my polyamory!

William: Feel that?
Arcadia: Very firm!
William: At this point I’m wondering if it might outlive me.

William: So, how did you get here?
Arcadia: I died.
William: Oh. Is this heaven, then, or hell?

Arcadia: I stepped inside one of ENTROPY’s chiefs, and sort of… took him over? Merged with him. And then I told all our cells to… stop doing what they were doing. You know?
William: I hear, but it would be a stretch to say that I know.

Arcadia: Well anyway, we both died, but for some reason I didn’t… die.
William: I never liked poststructuralism.

Arcadia: After I… fell apart, it took me a while to reconstruct myself. I wandered around in the woods a bit, and I found myself here! Something about this place brought me back! But I don’t think I can leave, now.
William: So, you’re a houseghost now.
Arcadia: And I’m here to protect you all!
William: From…?
Arcadia: From? From your SISTER, idiot!

Arcadia: Your sister’s still trying to kill you.
William: I think she’s trying to fuck me, actually.
Arcadia: Maybe, but she’s gonna do it praying mantis-style.

William: They don’t all do that, you know.
Arcadia: All of her do.

William: So… you said you… merged with someone.
Arcadia: Dude with a weirdbeard and a mullet.
William: Oh, score! That was Chandler. Thought he was already dead. Uh, so… this merging business.

Arcadia: I thought you’d never ask.
William: I technically still haven’t?

William: …interesting.

William: VERY interesting.

Arcadia: I can stimulate every cell in your being.
William: I’m mostly interested in the ones protruding from my midsection.

William: …yes, those ones.

William: Oh GOD, yes. What even IS this.

William: OH
Arcadia: OH

William: My arms shouldn’t bend that way.
Arcadia: I think I’m destabilizing your cells.
William: More superheroes should have sex in their origin stories.

Arcadia: I think the effects will wear off pretty fast. Ghost attributes don’t typically stay between saves.

William: I just walked my dick through a wall.

William: Can I fly like this?
Arcadia: Can ghosts fly?
William: …you say that like the answer is somehow obvious.

William: Man, this opens up whole new dimensions of sexual activity!
Arcadia: Yeah, somehow the less dimensions there are, the more you can have!

Arcadia: Yeah baby, have my dimensions.

William: This is novel as FUCK.
Arcadia: If anyone’s gonna discover novel fucking methods, it’s you!

William: Is this dangerous?
Arcadia: Oh, probably.
William: Awesome.

Arcadiam: We are one.
William: Hahaha just kidding.

Arcadia: Only not really.

William: It’s kinda fun, being two/one people/person!

Arcadia: We haven’t scratched the SURFACE of FUN, buddy.

Arcadia: Be my funbuddy.

William: I hope Penny’s a sound sleeper.
Arcadia: Meh. If she wakes up, I’ll just hide in the walls.


William: We should experiment with hiding you in the sheets.

Arcadia: I don’t think I can thin myself out that much.
William: We’ll see how thin I can pound you.

William: That was meant to sound sexual.
Arcadia: Yeah.
William: It didn’t, though.
Arcadia: No, not really.

Arcadia: The gaffe is somewhat mitigated by the fact that I am unpoundable.

William: But are you unfuckable?
Arcadia: I propose an experiment.

Arcadia: Prepare your equipment.

William: It’s never unprepared.

William: You haven’t hugged until you’ve hugged someone into yourself.

Arcadia: I hope you’re ready to be penetrated while you penetrate.

William: Hey, I’m flexible.

William: I’ve never felt so close to someone before!

William: I can’t tell where I end and you begin!

William: Our bodies have become as one!


Arcadia: I’m all the satisfaction you’ll ever need.
William: It would still be criminal not to spread me around, though.

William: But yes, you’re certainly the most fuckable house I’ve ever met!

William: I can’t wait to carry you over your threshold.

Arcadia: Want me to rejuvenate some of your cells, while I’m in here?
William: No, I’d rather all my cells were the same age. I hate renovations that don’t respect the original time period.

William: Home, sweet home.

William: You should really try this sometime.


William: I dunno, get your selfSim over here.

It doesn’t work that way.

William: Well that puts a crimp in my otherwise spectacular plan to murder and replace you…

William: Guess I’ll just have to fuck this ghost instead.

You keep saying that, but…

William: You know really good, really tight hugs?


William: You DON’T, actually.

Arcadia: Know what else is tight?
William: No, but I’m gonna know it!



William: We’re gonna have to rewrite the Kama Sutra!

William: The potential for new poses is endless.

William: Can you hold a pen? Or type?

William: This is INCREDIBLE.
Arcadia: Not bad, huh?
William: I’ll never enjoy Euclidean sex again!

Arcadia: My boobs are your butt!

Arcadia: My boobs were your butt.
William: Yeah, we won’t tell anyone about that part.

Arcadia: Oh god, what if we have a baby house now?

William: We’ll find a nice little plot of land for it to settle down on.

Arcadia: I take it we’re not telling Penny about this.
William: I don’t like admitting things anyway. Admitting things I need to explain? That’s a no-go.

Arcadia: Well, I’ll see you in the wallpaper.

William: Thanks for the good times, chimney sweep!

William: Better not try that again. I think there’s drywall in my stomach, now.

William: …did any of that just happen?


William: You’re sure I didn’t actually faint.


William: If Penny finds out, can we pretend I thought I was dreaming?

YOU can.

William: Nice to know you don’t have my back.

Old man backs aren’t worth having.

Confidence: Piss off, it’s MY hour with the house!

William Jr.: …does she not have her own room?

She doze.

William Jr.: Oh WOOF

Brooke: Yeah, that was… yeah.

The breakfast of nobody.

Victor: Ha. Yes. She is nobody.

Okay, Past!Grugly, what’s with all the shots of people not talking.

Past!Grugly: They’re establishing shots! For the end of the chapter!

There’s still more than twenty pics.

Past!Grugly: I guess they don’t work, then?

Neila Sharpe the Witch: Speaking of things that DON’T WORK

He’s just a kid!

Neila Sharpe the Witch: Right? What’s his DEAL?!

Nick: Says the spirits channeler.

Penny: Go away.

Hear anything strange last night?

Penny: Did you go away? Because I definitely didn’t hear that.

Neila Sharpe the Witch: Did anybody notice last night, around 2 in the morning, all the windows suddenly snapped open real hard?

William: My ladies finish.

William Jr.: Good news! Nick pulled the bell curve down so low, I now respect you, Victor!

William Jr.: Don’t expect it to last.

So, she just lurks here now, huh.

Past!Grugly: I’ve got ideas.

I hope some of them involve replacing that face.

Brooke: There needs to be a scholarship for frequently-murdered characters.

William Jr.: I’m so glad we can be gross and asleep and fat and unimportant as a family.

Valerie: I say we put him up for adoption.

William Jr.: I say we lock her in the storage room.

Penny: I say shut uuuuuuup.

Penny: And eat your morning porkchops.

Uma: Wow, university, huh?
Brooke: Yep!
Uma: SOME OF US have to wait DECADES for that honour!
Brooke: Yep!

Brooke: The secret is not to be boring.

Penny: Aw, don’t you make a cute couple.
Nick: Fuck off.

William Jr.: Let’s pretend that was directed at me.

Valerie: I think they’re beginning to suspect me.

Maybe because you sit around thinking about them with big red crosses through their faces?



Brooke: Until we hit the lot boundary, anything’s possible.

*brake squeal*

*crashing sounds*

*cat meowing, even though there were dogs in the last shot*

Victor: That’s the best you can do?

It’s late, and I’ve been finishing some academic work.

Victor: Meaning you should be GIDDY and PLAYFUL!

William: Gideon Playful! That’ll be my alias on my next international adventure.

William Jr. is basically just chibi William.

Neila Sharpe the Witch: Do you think lye soap dissolves skin sparkles?

No, I saw a conspiracy video about how that’s impossible.

Next time: Belinda the peen age witch.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 February 2013.

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