In which I try to fix my worst house by putting one of my worst households into it?
The first step was subtly altering the address.
Perhaps it’s slightly pessimistic of me to identify a brand-new household as “one of my worst”…
They’re certainly one of my richest, though, which always provides a good head start for the worsitude.
I love this “Victorian Decay” colour scheme.
MAY TWO-FOUR BABY
Needs some islands, I think.
Unless this is a combination kitchen/ballroom.
Clearly all this décor was stolen from a slightly-rotten coffee house.
They’re so cute when they’re unitialized.
Alright, losers, breathe.
Franklin: Mmm mmm mmm! Taste that sweet sweet Mallory on the air!
Mallory: TASTE MY FIST
Nathaniel: Am I too late for the group shot?
Nathaniel: Whoever I am?
Emerson: Why did we bring the angry nobody with us, again?
Emerson: Who said that? I didn’t say that.
Angelica: Hey Nat.
Nathaniel: Don’t call me a gnat, you bug.
Angelica: …Nat. As in, Nathaniel.
Nathaniel: What a cool name! Whose is it.
Angelica: We were wondering when you’d get here!
Nathaniel: Who, you and your gang of liver-stealers?!
Angelica: …what is WITH you?
Nathaniel: LIVER-STEALERS, APPARENTLY
Angelica: …do you not know who I am?
Nathaniel: Why would I know who you are when I DON’T KNOW WHO I ARE?!
I love that Past!Grugly, who is now called Past!Grugly, by the way, looked at that last shot and went “that’s centred wrong,” and compensated by centering it wrong in the other direction.
Mallory: He’s moved on to commenting ironically on himself. I give it ten chapters before every one of us is just replaced with a slightly different version of his selfSim.
Mallory: I bet he writes himself sex scenes with all the hot chicks, too.
Alright, that’s enough blasphemy for one day, thank you.
Emerson: You guys smell this flatgrass yet? Smells pretty flat.
Franklin: You’d rather we focused on that kind of sparkling dialogue?
Nathaniel: So, do you guys own this place, or…?
Angelica: We ALL do. Including YOU.
Nathaniel: YOU OWN ME, TOO?!
Nathaniel: Hey, who’s the hot chick?
Angelica: I hope you’re talking about ME, and also NOT talking about ME.
Mallory: So, explain this mansion to me again.
It was Ember and Bradley’s.
Angelica, Nathaniel and Emerson are Ember and Bradley’s grandchildren.
And it was a shitty-ass house, so I stopped using it, like, half a decade ago.
Mallory: Looks okay NOW!
Yeah, well, I’m glad I have no record of how long it took me to make it that way.
Nathaniel: You must be my brother.
Franklin: I’m your uncle.
Nathaniel: Tsk tsk. What must be, must be.
Nathaniel: It’s what’s the FUCK?
Franklin: The one time I get to meet someone again for the first time, and what do I do? I uncle-kiss them.
Angelica: NOW LET’S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT HERE, MISSY.
Mallory: Is it the stick? Up your ASS?
Angelica: We’re LETTING YOU LIVE HERE because ALL THE DUDES WANT YOU.
Angelica: But ALL THE DUDES are FREAKING IDIOTS. I mean LOOK at them.
Mallory: Don’t cross me, bitch. My pink is deeper than yours.
Nathaniel: If you’re my uncle, who’s my dad?
Franklin: Basically an older version of me, with a beard.
Nathaniel: A cool beard?
Franklin: What would that even be.
Franklin: I prefer to think of myself as the young, hip, with-it version of him!
Nathaniel: I can see why that would take a lot of dedicated thought!
Angelica: Okay, let’s see if we can’t refresh your memories. You hate Mallory.
Nathaniel: I do?
Angelica: Oh, gosh, yes. You want to put a hat-rack up her anus.
Mallory: I just want you to know that I like you better than Andrew.
Franklin: That’s not hard, Andrew doesn’t like me very much.
There’s stuff you can download to plug those ceiling gaps.
Luckily it will only take me seven more years to discover it.
Franklin: Hang loose!
Franklin: I think it’s about vaginas?
Franklin: Used vaginas.
Mallory: I have one of those!
Franklin: Can I borrow it?
Mallory: That depends. Let me see your tongue for a sec.
Mallory: …mmm. Yes. Okay. We’ll test your penis later.
Nathaniel: Wow, whose room is THIS?
Nathaniel: Wow! Whose GARBAGE is in it?
Easily the hardest thing for me about making Sims houses is leaving empty space.
I tend to clutter them up 100%.
Like my real house.
I know they need room to move, but, I mean… IT LOOKS LIKE I JUST STOPPED DECORATING, RIGHT?!
And yet I’d love to have this kind of free space at home.
…I really need to do some cleaning.
Angelica: And instead, you’re captioning video game screenshots from seven years ago.
I’d feel weirder about that if there weren’t dozens of people reading my video game screenshot captions.
Mallory: Okay, so, you hate Angelica.
Franklin: Haha, I’m not the one with the memory loss.
Mallory: Okay, but… you HATE Angelica!
Franklin: HA, HA, I’M NOT THE ONE WITH THE MEMORY LOSS.
Mallory: Do what I say, or you’ll be the one with the Mallory loss.
Nathaniel: And masturbate!
♪ You are still a young girl, and you bought everything in style ♪
Angelica: Yes, I did!
♪ Yes you did ♪
♪ But once you think you’re in, you’re out ♪
Franklin: ♪ And there’s nothing in here to read about ♪
Mallory: ♪ So let’s sit here and rot, instead of getting on the bus to junior high ♪
Nathaniel: So, are we, like… idle, entitled, failson sort of people?
Franklin: That’s about the size of it.
Nathaniel: What should we be doing with our lives, then?
Franklin: There’s no way to answer that. The story is one hundred percent focused on the Generation Two characters, and it has zero clue what to do with us.
Franklin: You wanna go for a walk?
Nathaniel: Come on, you guys! Let’s go find ourselves a STORYLINE! Make some MEMORIES! I’ve got lots of space for those.
Mallory: Alternatively, we could stay here and play grab-ass.
Franklin: THE GAME WHERE EVERYBODY WINS!
Franklin: Nathaniel’s right, though, we’re in mortal peril until we justify our existence.
Mallory: Well, then, it’s either sex or violence. I know which one I’d pick.
Angelica: Why not both?
Angelica: Hello, is sexy violence there?
Emerson: Do you think I need a second outfit?
I think you need a FIRST outfit.
Angelica: Hey baby, wanna come over for a play-date?
Nick: Oh, you’ve moved on from uncle-fucking to toddler roleplay?
Next time: I dunno, probably something about avocado toast, DUR HUR HUR
This chapter depicts gameplay from 21 February 2013 to 22 February 2013.