The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 506

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In which Andrew throws the horns, some salad.

You’re not a Fox-Murphy.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Not YET.

Xavier: I’m willing to extend honourary Fox-Murphiness, as long as you don’t put any clothes on.

Xavier: Honourary Fox-Murphies have to take a turn in the spare room mines, though.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Pass.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Let’s see what’s on TV!

A phrase which will shortly pass from memory.

We don’t even have TV service in my house anymore.

We don’t have Netflix or whatever either, though.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: What DO you have?


Lots, and lots, and LOTS of discs.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Yay! Frisbee!

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Anyway fuck TV, I can’t even tell what’s happening.

We just watched Back to the Future

Xavier: Best movie ever!

Part II.


I wouldn’t say entirely respectable.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Is that the one with the extended slapstick future sequence?


Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Oh boy.

It’s probably the only movie I know where I’m super pumped and excited at the end, but I have to get though the first forty-five minutes before I’m enjoying myself.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: So, are you gonna completely pave over our lives with pointless narratives about your own, now?

Only when you’re, fuckin’, grinding like you’re both doing right now.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Right, let’s work on some plot progression, then.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Magus Mutatio.
Xavier: I hope one of those words was Latin for “shovel.”

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: There is no Latin for “shovel.” They didn’t need to know how to say it, because they made the barbarians do all their shovelling.

Xavier: That’s not true. Shovellers have been respected all throughout human history. In medieval times, kings would contract out the defense of their cities to castle-dwelling shovel-barons.

Are you getting all this from-

Xavier: The existence of a video game called Shovel Knight, yes.

Xavier: We’re really working for our jokes, today.

We can afford to.

There aren’t many of them.

Xavier: So, I think I’m being summoned by the shovel god?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Maybe the god of holes, instead.

Xavier: Bad news! It’s the god of hats.

Xavier: I’m pretty excited to get all these new fancy items of clothing dirty.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I can think of better ways to mess them up.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: If you know what I mean.
Xavier: No, I don’t, because you said that in another room.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: You wanna go out tonight?
Xavier: Where to? Hogwarts?

Xavier: To give them back their hat?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Harry Potter jokes are the lowest common denominator, when you’re talking about magic stuff.
Xavier: I thought everybody’s always looking for the lowest common denominator, though.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Hey guy, don’t fuck with my metaphors.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Fuck with my me.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: After buying an expensive meal.
Xavier: You can’t spell “me” without spelling “meal” and then taking “al” out of it.

Xavier: I mean, actually, you can, but… actually yeah, it’s much more efficient not to do it that way.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Alone time is my favourite time.

I thought you were going out for dinner.

Xavier: Is that what she meant? Dammit. No respectable language should have two separate meanings for “going out.”

Xavier: I hope there’s some spells that need coal as a reagent.

Xavier: Some sorta Santa spell?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: What’s that smell? Is someone cooking cats?

Xavier: Hot DAMN you one sexy goth lady!
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Do goths wear glasses, though?
Xavier: …Visigoths.

Xavier: Man, it’s SO hot how you walked right through that chair.

Xavier: Wanna go pretend to be people?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: We’re ALL pretend people, here.
Xavier: …wanna go pretend to be pretend people, then?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Do you know my friend Esther?
Xavier: No! Do you?

Xavier: Yeah, I realized what I was saying even as I was saying it.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I find it’s best to do that part first.

Xavier: Slide onto my stick, milady!

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I’m that kind of girl, alright.

Sullivan: Evenin’, gobshites.

Sunny Clark the Witch: That’s no gobshite, it’s a Murphy! You don’t need to insult it further.

Shea: Hey, quick question. If a waitress comes in off-duty, can I still boss her around?

Shea: SURELY the answer CAN’T be “No.”

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I still can’t believe what happened to my dress.
Xavier: I had no idea it was so gusty up there.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: …does anyone work here?
Sunny Clark the Witch: Not right NOW.

Dagmar: Hey there, Mr. Kearney!
Sullivan: Mr. Kearney is my father. You may call me NOTHING, don’t TALK to me, you filthy HARLOT.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I bet even Lance is afraid of you.

Sunny Clark the Witch: Lance is afraid of, like, everybody.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Hey, guys, he’s pretending to be “Alec Prince” now. It’s mean not to play along.

Xavier: I was murdered by that guy you’re talking about.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Well… have you read the news, lately? ‘cuz your claim to fame just became shared.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Nice hat, Al.
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Wow! That’s some FANTASTIC ventriloquism! You sound kinda like a guy when you throw your voice, though.

Sunny Clark the Witch: …starting to feel like I’m in an aquarium, here.

Xavier: Yeah, that’s how this usually goes. You try to eat out, and, like, three townies stand behind you at all times, preparing to snatch your food when it arrives.
Esther: So, order, like, ten foods.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: That’s my friend Esther! Callbacks are much faster in chapters which are much slower.


Andrew Murphy the Warlock: I think it would’ve been more of a CLANG.

Sorry, Biff on the mind.

Back to the Future, like I said.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: You said that on another lot.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: FEEDING TIME, WALL HORNS

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Take my hand.
Esther: What?
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Feed the wall horns.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: The wall horns must be fed.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: OH NO MY FRIEND ESTHER

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: …is unlikely to become your friend Esther.

Next time: the other half of this.

I accidentally numbered my chapters wrong, ages ago, so I had to cut twenty of them in half so that my ancient April Fools flash-forward to Chapter 737 wouldn’t be wrong.

Coincidentally, it’s easier to make my daily updates now.


This chapter depicts gameplay from 21 February 2013.

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