Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which nudity isn’t optional.
Bradleigh: Has it ever been?
Stephen: Laci! Nudity isn’t optional!
Lainey: Is that why you’re wearing a flasher jacket?
Laci: Don’t talk to him, he isn’t here.
Laci: GOD-DAMN BUGGED-OUT GAME
Laci: Also my body is unready.
Bradleigh: Are you here because of the nudity, officer?
Victor: Yes, I hope to enforce it.
Bradleigh: I’d like to enforce… um. Myself… um. Yourself…
Victor: There is no good way to do what you’re trying to do.
Victor: So why’d you make her try it?
There is no good way to do anything she tries to do.
It all sorta bleeds together into one big general “no.”
Bradleigh: Hey Laci, talk to General No lately?
Laci: Yep! Fucked him, too.
Samella: I’m just here for the TV.
Bradleigh: I’m just here for a shower that isn’t all Murphied-up.
Bradleigh: Or Bradleighed-up! I’m a pig.
Bradleigh: But at least I’m not a clown.
Bradleigh: Or a clown.
Bradleigh: Or a CLOWN
Bradleigh: Or a clown.
Stewart: At least I’m not NAKED!
Shane: Yeah, we all appreciate that, dude.
Shane: This, though, not so much.
Bradleigh: If y’all want to see me naked again, y’all have to earn it.
Stewart: I like this twist on “Earn Your Happy Ending.”
Shane: I’d like to get a happy ending from that fuzzy dude.
Amin: As a fuzzy dude myself, I feel compelled to reject your fantasy.
Tazama: Count yourself OUT, dude.
Bradleigh: This is my chapter. It’s definitely gonna have some sex in it.
Stewart: And a happy ending! We referenced it enough, it needs to happen now.
Bradleigh: I don’t jerk strangers off. I only fuck them.
Bradleigh: My morals are complex.
Stewart: I’ve never heard that word applied to you.
Stewart: Then again, most of what I’ve heard about you comes from when you were a dude.
Bradleigh: Baby, you haven’t fucked a chick until you’ve fucked a chick you knows what dudes like because she used to be one.
Shane: Very few of us have fucked a chick, then, apparently.
Bradleigh: You certainly haven’t.
Stewart: Don’t be mean to the townies, they have it hard enough as it is.
Bradleigh: Speaking of “hard enough as it is…”
Stewart: Oh, yes, it is is!
Bradleigh: Allow me to second the “Grugly is high” motion.
I must be.
Because what am I seeing.
Stewart: I’m not a big fan of road shenanigans. They killed my brother once.
Bradleigh: Oh, sure, one dead brother and NOW you gotta be NOT RECKLESS AND ROAD-PIZZA
Amin: Dude. Keep your water on your waterside.
Tazama: Do you think it’s possible to BUY characterhood?
Samella: Not only is it not possible to buy it, it’s possible to LOSE it.
Count Alon: I RESEMBLE THAT COMMENT
Little blue dude mad in a tub is, like, my favourite thing ever.
Stewart: Want to do my favourite thing ever?
Bradleigh: Was that a double entendre?
Stewart: Because sex is my favourite thing ever to do…
Stewart: But I also invite you to “do” my favourite thing ever, which is me.
I’m so glad we had the pics to explain that joke.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: These aren’t jokes. I’m not hearing any “Knock Knock”!
Franklin: Free stank! You’re welcome.
The image of Grugly Prime, looking shell-shocked and blasted while he thinks about university, accurately describes my present state.
Bradleigh: Oh! You’re not high, you’re low.
Grugly Prime: Wanna get down on me?
I will be adding this image to my Book of Grudges.
Amin: Maker gonna fuck y’all up.
Stewart: Let me fuck her down, first.
Why does everybody think I’m violent? It’s you guys with the guns and axes and shit.
Alec Prince the Damned: DON’T CALL MY MURDER MAGIC SHIT
Alec Prince the Damned: This has been a paid advertisement for Chapter 500.
Bradleigh: Oooh, you’re so hot when you’re taking unnecessary risks!
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: STOP BEING SO HOT, STEWART
Bradleigh: Hey, daughterfucker.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: …what?
Bradleigh: You fucked two of my daughters.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Oh thank GOD, I thought you knew something I didn’t.
Bradleigh: You should know me better than THAT.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: It looks like someone else is already knowing you.
Stewart: And I like what I know!
Stewart: And I know what I like. To fuck!
Bradleigh: I like to fuck too.
Bradleigh: Talking about it endlessly, on the other hand…
Stewart: Yes, well, if the talk doesn’t end, the fuck never starts.
Stewart: These courtships take FOREVER.
Yeah, I’ll start cheating them forward, about five hundred chapters from now.
Bradleigh: Something to look forward to!
Stewart: Hahaha, you think we’ll be alive?!
Bradleigh: I might.
Yeah, you might.
Neila: Might makes wrong.
Bradleigh: Someone back there understands probabilities!
Bradleigh: I’m just guessing. Because I don’t.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: It’s rough, but I can handle it! My mother literally wrote the book on this.
It must have been hard to write on a treadmill.
Neila Sharpe the Witch: Does the book say anything about warlocks?
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: I suspect that’ll be the next book.
Samantha: Is it just me, or did it suddenly get hot and steamy out here?
Count Alon: That heat and steam is just ME
Grugly Prime: This chapter needs more Cecilia.
Shane: Someone behind me thinks it needs less you.
Bradleigh: Well I think it needs less clothing.
Stewart: There’s a room for that.
Stewart: But there are complications.
Bradleigh: Tell me about it.
Bradleigh: But! I’ll trade more complicated life for less complicated outfits.
Stewart: You call that an outfit?
Bradleigh: Why not? I’m fit, and I’m out.
Nathaniel: Wish I had a little boat to play with.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Your uncle found something better.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: It plays back.
If I were you, I’d scoot around so I didn’t have to look at that.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: I’m old, and I got here first. It’s their move.
Stewart: Sorry, man, all my moves are dorsal and ventral at the moment.
Bradleigh: Adjust pitch!
Stewart: Adjust yaw!
Amin: Fifty bucks and I’ll beat them up for you.
Stewart: He’ll do it, too.
Bradleigh: Too late. We already did it.
Stewart: Any regrets?
Bradleigh: Tons! O’er the years.
Stewart: I meant in regards to us.
Bradleigh: I’d only have regrets in regards to “us” if there was an “us.”
Samella: Our lives are a series of portable regret factories.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: And happy endings.
Stewart: I like them best when they’re happy beginnings.
Bradleigh: Pretty sure this is just a blowjob, dude.
How are you making yourself so clear?
Bradleigh: I’m playing this thing like a flute, baby.
Bradleigh: I’m suckin’ it like I’d want mine sucked, if it hadn’t been turned into a uterus.
Alec Prince the Damned: Things you never want to hear your dad say.
Bradleigh: Wait, I’m whose what?
Stewart: Do you have any sons?
Bradleigh: I had two of them!
Stewart: What are their names?
Bradleigh: One’s dead and one’s the devil, so… I prefer not to name them.
Stewart: The dead have names.
Bradleigh: Yeah, but if we call them by them, they might answer.
Bradleigh: Oh, hey! Glitches are in, this season?
Kyle Wolosenko-Murphy the Nice Warlock: In my head, at least…
Bradleigh: Fuck is that thing.
Franklin: SPEAKING OF FUCK
Bradleigh: You fuck that fuck, buddy.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Fuck me, fuckbuddy!
Stewart: Oh, I didn’t realize you had comp- oh, I didn’t realize you were being accosted by anonymity.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: That was lovely, Franklin.
Franklin: Wanna do it again?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Sure, give me your contacts list.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Ugh.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I’ve already seen this episode.
Let’s have another one of those low-rent animated gifs!
Franklin: Low rent, but high cropping.
Franklin: I can’t shake the feeling that I know this chick from somewhere.
Franklin: …wait a second. Turn your head.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Into what?
Franklin: …okay, nope nope, I’d rather derail this thought trolley onto five innocent bystanders than see it screech to its destination.
Franklin: Off-camera kiss goodbye?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You know it!
Stewart: Hi, Bradleigh! Hi, frozen corpse!
…it’s LEONARD, right?
Leonard: Oh thank GOD. I can brush my teeth and go to bed, now.
What’re you mopping?
Nerissa: I’m not, anymore. I’m trying to free my mop.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: It’s almost like it’s winter outside.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: But it can’t be, because all of our windows are open.
Franklin: Here we are, little living things! Death’s door.
Bradleigh: Four hundred and ninety-nine chapters.
Bradleigh: Kinda makes you think.
Gosh, I hope not.
Bradleigh: I’m betting the goth witch becomes a thing.
She’s already a thing.
Bradleigh: Yeah, it was a safe bet.
Bradleigh: Okay, I don’t even know who that is.
Bradleigh: Okay, I don’t even know who that is.
Bradleigh: And I’m pretty sure THIS is someone I just made UP.
This isn’t turning out to be a profitable endeavour, Brad.
Bradleigh: I’m rich. What do I need with profit.
Bradleigh: I could just sleep for the rest of my life, if I wanted to.
I hate it when I envy fictional characters.
Leonard: But in OUR world, sleep is something that takes about ONE PIC.
Yeah, I think I’d need nine or ten pics of sleep each day, at the very least.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Mornin’, science sister.
Bradleigh: Right back at you.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You know, we’re the only people in the whole neighbourhood who got to choose their gender?
Bradleigh: You chose well.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Right back atcha.
Next time: the last of the monster updates.
There’s no shame in quitting while you’re ahead when the lead is essentially permanent!
This chapter depicts gameplay from 20 February 2013.