Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which knowledge is gained.
Vanessa: But first, the university gets to know my wallet.
Andrew: Hey, Brooke.
Brooke: How do you know my name?
Andrew: I don’t. I just assume all townies are named “Brooke” now.
Vanessa: It usually works out.
Vanessa: What’ll that be, Brooke?
Vanessa: What’s wrong, Brooke?
Andrew: Loving the new look!
Vanessa: It wasn’t supposed to work, apparently.
Vanessa: He didn’t show me changing into it.
Andrew: Good ol’ Past Grugly. Bad at taking pics and bad at judging chicks!
Sounds more like bad ol’ Past Grugly.
Vanessa: This is a much different experience when you’re rich.
Andrew: The only thing the rich experience the same as the poor is the desire to become richer.
Andrew: Because you can never have enough frilly garbage.
Andrew: Or filly grabage!
Andrew: I dunno, it’s the hormones talking.
Vanessa: Bring them closer.
Vanessa: I want to talk to them directly.
Vanessa: Alright, nearly got this dialled in.
Vanessa: Do I look alright?
Vanessa: Do I look like anyone else?
Vanessa: DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL!
Vanessa: Hey baby, rectify your error.
Vanessa: Get it?
Andrew: Because you nearly grabbed my-
Vanessa: BECAUSE I NEARLY GRABBED YOUR RECTUM
Vanessa: Rectum Ralph.
Vanessa: Just putting that out there.
Andrew: Put it BACK.
Andrew: Get it?
Andrew: Because the rectum is-
Vanessa: Oh. On the back. Right. It isn’t, though.
Vanessa: Did you ever go here?
Andrew: I don’t think anybody did.
Don and Kaylynn.
Andrew: Right, so nobody.
Vanessa: A table for myself and this sexual flutterfly, if you please?
Andrew: How come all the seats are outside, anyway?
That’s a long story.
It’ll cover several captions.
I am SO in.
I started Pine Valley when I was at grad school for the first time, doing my first master’s degree.
Vanessa: How many-
I needed two, to cover all the mastery I have.
Anyway I started this story in the summer, when I was going down to the university’s pub with my friends a lot. It didn’t look anything like this place.
Vanessa: All good glimpses of the future or the past should be confusing.
Well, since it was summer, and they had such a great patio, we always ate and drank there instead of in the voluminous interior. That’s why this place only has a patio, and no volume.
Although the volume was quite high, at the real pub.
Andrew: He’s only been waiting nine years to uncork that story.
Nikki: I’m not holding this gigantic pen for no reason, you know.
Andrew: I’ll have-
Vanessa: She’s gone, bro.
Vanessa: Just eat what she brought you.
Vanessa: BEFORE THE CHARLATAN TAKES IT
Andrew: Oh, good, I get some of yours too.
Andrew: One-point-one meals for the price of one.
Vanessa: The price of two. I told them you’d pay.
Andrew: You RAT.
Andrew: Marry me.
Vanessa: Here’s to regrets!
Andrew: Here’s to hammerspace goblets!
Andrew: Not at all bizarre.
Vanessa: Here’s to new beginnings!
Caryl: Here’s to awkward lingerings!
The Intriguing Charlatan: I’ll drink, or eat your food, to that.
Andrew: Get your own plate of shaving cream.
Vanessa: So, was that a real marriage proposal?
Andrew: Oh, I’d never make a real one.
Andrew: I’m afraid of rejection. I can only ask for things I want ironically.
I wonder where you get that from.
Andrew: I love being a hangup dumpster.
Vanessa: I think you made a friend.
Vanessa: Don’t you just love the ambience here?
Andrew: Yeah, it’s like we’re slave owners in a featureless wasteland.
Andrew: Seriously, I wish they’d stop hovering over us.
Vanessa: Got white guilt, have you?
Andrew: I’m having a softly-lit mousse in a suit. This is practically a crime against humanity.
Vanessa: I keep forgetting you guys aren’t as good at being rich as us guys.
Vanessa: If you’re feeling too bougie, you could let the Charlatan drain your bank account.
Caryl: Oh, he’d LOVE that!
Vanessa: How about a drink?
Andrew: I’m still hungry.
Vanessa: How about a roll, then?
Andrew: Now you’re talkin’.
Andrew: Now you’re talkin’.
Vanessa: I heard you through the window, before they bricked it up apparently.
Vanessa: Oh! Dad!
Andrew: Hey Neil.
Neil: How much are you paying her?
Neil: To impersonate my dead daughter.
Vanessa: It’s actually me, dad.
Neil: …can I pay you, too? For parties?
Vanessa: I guess maybe an “I’m not dead anymore!” card would’ve been a good idea.
Neil: Huh. It is you.
Vanessa: I honestly don’t think this is an identity anyone would want very much to steal, so, yeah.
Neil: Who wouldn’t want to be one of my daughters?
Vanessa: One of your daughters, for starters.
Neil: Possibly all of them.
Andrew: “STUDENT HOUSING”?
Vanessa: Look up the actual address, you lazy asshole.
If it ain’t on the wall, it don’t exist.
Andrew: Better a lazy asshole than an uptight one.
Vanessa: I lived in one of these, when I was Poppy.
Andrew: This one?
Vanessa: I dunno, I couldn’t even tell them apart back then.
Andrew: Speaking of back.
Vanessa: Oh, you checkin’ my rectum?
Andrew: Fuck off.
Vanessa: I’d rather get my fuck on.
Vanessa: This bringing back any memories for you?
Andrew: Basically all my memories were of my dorm.
Vanessa: Which one were you in, again?
Andrew: The one that’s currently called Murphy Hall.
Vanessa: …yes. That does make sense.
Vanessa: Is there a Sharpe Hall?
Vanessa: Is it the one where I died?
Andrew: No, it’s the one where your brother fucked half of his cohort.
Vanessa: …yes. That does make sense.
Vanessa: We’ll have to check your dorm out.
Andrew: What if someone’s in there?
Vanessa: We’ll have to gross your dorm out.
Andrew: I’ve got all sorts of ideas.
Andrew: And getting more all the time.
Vanessa: Okay, you’re laying it on a bit thick, now, buddy.
Andrew: I’d like to lay thick in you!
Vanessa: Okay, you’re running a fever.
Andrew: For you!
Vanessa: Chemistry check, please!
Vanessa: YOU’RE FARTING ALL THOSE HEARTS FOR ONLY TWO BOLTS?!
Andrew: They feel like three, with the wind chill.
Vanessa: Walter Windchill.
Andrew: Stop it.
Ally: NO TIME HAS PASSED
Bambi: BUT I DIDN’T EXIST BACK THEN
Ally: I’LL RETCON YOU INTO MY BACKSTORY IF YOU LET ME GRAB YOUR BOOB
Bambi: YOU ALREADY GRABBED MY BOOB
Ally: I’VE ALREADY RECONNED YOUR AGREEMENT IN
Andrew: On second thought, let’s not go here. ’tis a silly place.
Andrew: How many weirdoes?
Vanessa: I dunno, these fixed camera angles are tough.
Gargly Voice: RESIDENT EEEVILLL
…apparently this is the spot where I make my Resident Evil jokes.
Vanessa: You’d think something so big would have more polygons.
Yeah, like your brother’s dick.
Andrew: It’s not nice to spring a girl’s brother’s dick on her like that.
Vanessa: So, feeling nostalgic?
Andrew: What, for your brother’s-
Vanessa: Fuck off.
Andrew: My memories of this place are mixed.
Vanessa: So, let’s mix up some new ones.
Andrew: We’ve got some fine ingredients.
Andrew: How ’bout them apples.
Vanessa: They’re pretty standard.
Andrew: With emphasis on the pretty.
You just like that outfit because it reminds you of Chelsea’s old one.
Vanessa: YOU TOLD ME IT WAS UNIQUE YOU BASTARD
Vanessa: Man, it’s almost like we can’t trust our capricious and randomly-cruel creator!
Andrew: Did you clear the riffraff out?
Yeah, I cast them into the abyss of temporary nonexistence.
Andrew: That sounds nice. I might like to visit there sometime.
Andrew: You know, there’s not a lot of call for a university at this point in the story.
Vanessa: What are you thinking?
Andrew: All your talk about us being rich white folk has me in a real-estate frame of mind.
Vanessa: If you want me to buy a dorm, I’m gonna need at least several hours of levity from you.
Andrew: I don’t know if I have several hours of levity left in me, to be honest.
Vanessa: Don’t be honest.
Andrew: You don’t like honesty?
Vanessa: Not with what there is to be honest about, I don’t.
Andrew: That was some seriously tortured grammar.
Vanessa: If you can’t make the language sing, at least make it groan!
I re-took this pic to centre the figures better.
And then went with the original.
Andrew: He thinks this is art.
Vanessa: It’s artificial, anyway.
THOSE MEAN THE SAME THING YOU KNOW
Fucking Roger Ebert and video games not being art.
“Art” isn’t subjective.
If you can ask “Is ____ art?” the answer is YES.
I’m glad he’s-
…I was gonna say “not reviewing movies anymore.”
Vanessa: Sure you were.
Celeste: So you FINALLY show up to mealtime!
Celeste: You’ll have to eat in your OWN dorm, young lady.
Vanessa: I think she’s crazy.
Andrew: So, that hasn’t changed.
Celeste: I’m sending your parents a very stern telegram about this.
Andrew: Okay, she might be a bit crazier, now.
But not crazy enough to be thinking about cafeteria workers when a hot chick is making out with her, I bet.
Vanessa: He called me a hot chick!
Andrew: He’s kinda biased, though.
Vanessa: YOU ARE SO TACTLESS
Andrew: Girls don’t give caresses to guys who aren’t messes!
Vanessa: Girls don’t bare cooches to guys who are douches, though.
Andrew: MANIFESTLY UNTRUE.
Andrew: This is my old room.
Vanessa: What did you do in here?
Andrew: I didn’t do in here. I was done in here.
Celeste: You’re done in there already? I’ll send the cleaners in.
Vanessa: Better lock the door.
Andrew: Yeah, we don’t want any company.
Vanessa: Any interruptions, more like.
Andrew: What’s wrong?
Vanessa: Feeling angruilty.
Vanessa: Or maybe guilangry.
Vanessa: Are you cheating on me with a door?
Andrew: This door and I go way back, Vanessa.
More so in an alternate continuity.
Vanessa: Ew, I touched that thing.
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
Vanessa: No, what she said was COME AND GET IT!
Andrew: Chelsea started with a blowjob.
Vanessa: We’re here to correct our mistakes, not re-create hers.
Andrew: I wouldn’t characterize anything Chelsea does sexually as a mistake, precisely.
Andrew: But alright, girls don’t do sexes when you talk about your exes, so.
Andrew: Let’s do sexes.
Vanessa: Let’s do SEXIESTS!
Vanessa: …it’s day outside?
Andrew: Yeah, we’ve been fucking for a while now.
Vanessa: It’s raining, inside.
Andrew: Yeah, I didn’t have a condom.
Sorry, I backed through the wall there.
Andrew: I am also backing through a wall.
Andrew: I HOPE YOU DIDN’T LIKE THIS DRESS
Andrew: THIS INEXPLICABLY YELLOW-NOW DRESS
The reasoning is lost to the ages.
Andrew: Like our virginities.
Vanessa: I DIDN’T LIKE OUR VIRGINITIES
Did you like Virginia?
Vanessa: DON’T DEAD SISTER UP MY SEXING!
Vanessa: …you’re… actually pretty good at this.
Vanessa: Hahaha hell no.
Brandi: My blackmail material sense is going nuts right now.
Vanessa: Want me to go nuts?
Andrew: Well, sure, but don’t make a special trip or anything.
Vanessa: Bet I can out-blow Chelsea.
Andrew: I’ll refuse to comment, either way.
Andrew: I like your hair better than her hat.
I like Vanessa’s nose better than Chelsea’s nose.
Andrew: Yeah, it’s longer, so it tickles more.
That’s what she said.
Vanessa: All done.
Andrew: A guy can pretend, can’t he?
Vanessa: Good thing sperm isn’t real.
Andrew: What’re you thinking about?
Vanessa: We’ll never know.
Vanessa: So, what now?
Andrew: How about a sweet, sweet chapter-ending?
Vanessa: You mean…?
Andrew: WE’RE MULTI-CHAPTERING THIS BITCH!
Brandi: This is the chessboard where the Lillard Manoeuvre was devised.
Vanessa: What’s the Lillard Manoeuvre?
Brandi: A very effective form of psychological warfare.
Vanessa: Do you miss Melanie?
Vanessa: They’ve flown the coop.
Brandi: That’s alright, their playable gravity will draw us along with them.
Vanessa: Alright suckers, we’re loading another lot!
Vanessa: I was kinda hoping to finish this game, though.
Vanessa: DON’T MAKE ME BE OVER THERE!
Next time: the next best thing to a retcon.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 January 2013.