Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which there’s some holes you just can’t dig yourself out of.
Ivy: Luckily, I’m not in a hole.
Ivy: Unlike certain Xaviers I did name.
Ivy: I’ve got a treasure chest!
I wouldn’t exactly call that chest a treasure.
Ivy: But my buns are scrumptious!
Ivy: Time to ring in the new year.
Ivy: And ring up a new Murphy.
Ivy: SOOOOOO I might have been somewhat complicit in a murder.
Check out Beatriz’s new book, coming soon to a shelf near you, which you won’t be able to get nearer to, probably, because of the pandemic – Monogamy: Why?
Andrew: The eternal question.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Monogamy’s a great way to not accidentally fuck a clone of your mom.
Andrew: Unless you accidentally marry a clone of your mom.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I feel like that’s what they call a critical research failure.
Andrew: As a scientist, I take that accusation quite personally.
Ivy: You think you’re taking THAT personally…
Andrew: I’d like to take you. Personally.
Ivy: I didn’t know Xavier had such a cool uncle!
Andrew: He’s actually… my… brother?
Ivy: I didn’t know Xavier had such a grody old brother!
Ivy: I DIDN’T KNOW WE LIVED IN A FUCKING ZOO
Ivy: Okay, so here’s the deal. I dated a wizard and the wizard killed your brother.
Andrew: That’s not a deal at all.
Ivy: How’d you get so big.
Andrew: Alright, well, call death on this thing.
Ivy: THAT sounds safe!
Ivy: Hey, death, it’s Ivy calling.
The Grim Reaper: OKAY…
Ivy: Andrew told me to call.
The Grim Reaper: OKAAAAY…
Ivy: Do you want a character reference?
Andrew: You’re RESURRECTING, Ivy, not ADOPTING!
Andrew: Babies, killin’ babies.
Ivy: OH NO I RESURRECTED A LOT OF GREEN STUFF
Xavier: Oh no, you’re still here.
Xavier: No, still bummed that you’re here.
Ivy: I AM UNAPPRECIATED IN MY TIME! Woo!
Xavier: Oh, I appreciate you, alright. I’m just not glad to see you.
Ivy: Well I am glad to see you!
Xavier: Thank god those are independent variables.
Ivy: I called your brother over to save you.
Andrew: I was already on my way.
Ivy: You’re brother’s a big fat old liar, huh?
Ivy: I told the mean man who killed you to leave.
Xavier: Before or after you fucked?
Ivy: Okay, give me a break. This guy’s screwed over a lot of people. He made Shiloh Newcastle watch a guy melt into a sidewalk!
Xavier: Wow! That sounds like a cool story! I should call her.
Xavier: Because I am DEFINITELY SINGLE NOW.
Xavier: ‘cuz you got me killed.
Ivy: Is that all?
Xavier: You got me killed whilst cheating on me with a monster in my house.
Ivy: Oh, that’s all.
Xavier: Take your shovel with you when you go.
Ivy: I was thinking we could go on a date!
Xavier: No, it would have to be TWO dates. One for each of us.
Ivy: You’re not making this any easier.
Xavier: I’m trying to make it impossible.
Andrew: Alright punks, chapter’s yours.
Xavier: Don’t get me wrong, you’re still super hot, but I also kind of hate you now?
Ivy: Maybe I want to get that wrong!
Xavier: I wonder who else is hot, without overlapping on evil?
Xavier: You think that mailgirl secret agent would be into me?
Ivy: Dude, don’t put that filthy thing on the COUNTER!
Xavier: Hi! A wizard killed me.
Jizelle: ‘zat’z pretty coul.
Xavier: …this isn’t Chris, is it.
Jizelle: Chriz iz out deztabilizing foreign countriez.
Xavier: And bringing you back some esses?
Ivy: THAT’S NOT HOW YOU WRITE THAT
It’s one way!
Xavier: Hey, Brooke! It’s me, Xavier! From school!
Brooke: I dunno, that’s a pretty common name.
Xavier: I was recently dead, so I thought, hey! Maybe live a little.
Xavier: No, yeah, there’s weirdos up here, but we’ve got locks on the doors, so.
Xavier: My ex-girlfriend and my brother brought me back to life! I want to pay that forward by making you a real character!
Brooke’s already a real character.
Xavier: It’s not that Brooke.
Oh, well, the second one is also kind of a real character.
Xavier: Not that Brooke either.
Ivy: This one’s a babbling Brooke, apparently.
Xavier: I’m a teenager with my own house. That’s an instant win condition on Boyfriend Bingo!
Brooke: You should have led with that.
Brooke: Hahaha no, don’t touch me.
Xavier: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Brooke: Partial nudity.
Ivy: Only partial? Prude.
Brooke: My Turn-Off is hats.
Xavier: I sense a theme.
Alec Prince the Damned: Hey, guy I think I killed, can I talk to Ivy?
Alec Prince the Damned: You freaking out over there, or something?
Alec Prince the Damned: Hello?
Alec Prince the Damned: I can still make this thing talk, you know.
Brooke: WOO! YES! MORE CLOTHES FOR ME, AND LESS CLOTHES FOR MEN!
It’s the opposite of every video game ever!
Xavier: So, this is where the magic happens.
Brooke: Where you died, you mean?
Xavier: No, I mean… good magic.
Where I remember to make all the architectural flourishes visible through the window, you mean?
Xavier: What do you think?
Brooke: Words and pictures, mostly.
Brooke: Mostly boring ones, at the moment.
Brooke: Alright, last ditch effort.
Xavier: God, that stuff in the ditches? Can you imagine?
Xavier: I wish I cared how this turns out.
Brooke: It’s for the best that you don’t.
Xavier: ♪ She didn’t love me, she was only passin’ time ♪
Brooke: ♪ Wastin’ miiiiine ♪
Xavier: ♪ Yes she was ♪
Xavier: “Was” being the operative word.
Xavier: Your denim smells.
Brooke: Your house is nice.
Ivy: Struck out, huh?
Xavier: Yeah, no joy in Mudville tonight.
Ivy: Like my finger?
Xavier: ‘s pretty nice.
Ivy: Like my hands?
Xavier: As hands go, sure.
Ivy: Feel ’em go!
Xavier: SPEAKING OF GOING
Ivy: Man, some people never let you forget their deaths.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Well, the story’s not subtitled “A Romance of Forgiveness and Optimism,” now, is it.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Hey, is this party private, or can I come in?
Xavier: What’s that? You want me to come in you at my privates party?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Wow.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: THESE GLASSES ARE WORSE THAN THAT JOKE
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: …
Cat’s eyes got your tongue?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Hey baby, the Maker just squelched me for a bad joke!
I like that word.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Squelch.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Alright, time to set a spell. Book. Down.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: What is with your dialogue today?
Nobody’s making you say it.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: SOMEBODY IS, ACTUALLY
Xavier: Hey, if you want to be helpful, feel free to take out the trash.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I was just looking up a spell for that!
Ivy: I mean, we’ve got bags.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I’m de-bagging this operation.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Stultus Evanescet.
Ivy: What’s that mean?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Stand up and find out.
Ivy: I don’t know if learning is worth getting out of my chair.
I have always, always felt this way, myself.
Ivy: I’m guessing it means something like “Hey jerk, get out of here?”
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Something like.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Classier, though. Smarter.
Xavier: Where’d you send her?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I didn’t send her where. I just sent her.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: She’ll probably rematerialize out there, somewhere, eventually.
Xavier: I can live with not knowing, honestly.
Xavier: As long as we can get down to other sorts of knowledge.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Look! This dress folds up properly when I sit.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Magic makes it do that!
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: It’s a Breaking Bad reference.
But I can’t find a video.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: But he can’t find a video.
I can’t seem to get my monitor to face the right direction.
I think I’m losing my mind.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: My family watched me die.
Xavier: My girlfriend caused me to die.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: ‘k.
Xavier: It was pretty mean of her.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: She did look pretty and mean…
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I don’t know why I like you.
Xavier: Yeah, Ivy didn’t know either.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Maybe it’s all this angst we have in common.
Xavier: Nah, we’re not teenagersexuals.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: So, wait. Was it… by any chance… Lance Price the Damned who killed you?
Xavier: Nah, my memories say Alec Prince the Damned.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Oh, those are probably different people, definitely.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Alright, I think I can protect you from this plotline.
Xavier: That is the sexiest thing it’s possible to say to a Murphy.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: You guys are, like, the most basic form of cannon fodder around here, huh.
Xavier: No, there’s the townies, thankfully.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Words never before spoken.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Sorry, I keep thinking about how much I hate evil wizards.
Xavier: THAT’S A THING
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Wow, your muscles aren’t tense at all!
Xavier: I already got a handjob from Ivy, earlier.
Xavier: Is that not what it’s call-
Xavier: -all… all… all…
Xavier: Thank you.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Yes.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: First comes kiss, then comes sexage.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Then the rhyme stops, ‘cuz nothing rhymes with sexage.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: At least partially ‘cuz it’s not even a word.
Xavier: Nor should it be.
So, yesterday I decided that my next book was gonna end up like eight hundred pages unless I fixed it.
And today I kinda fixed it?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Are we in it?
Xavier: That’s good, I don’t want to get shat on in two realities.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: My dad’s girlfriend’s a townie.
Xavier: Ew! Why?
I thought, hey, maybe the second book should have a plot that starts when the book starts.
That was me, counter-advertising my first book.
This is them, advertising my Sims journal, I guess.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: COME ONE COME ALL
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: TO THE HOVER-HANDED ASS-PARTY!
Xavier: That doesn’t sound fun.
Xavier: Or sanitary.
Xavier: OR OH GOD OH GOD
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: OH WOW YOU’RE GOOD AT THIS
Xavier: AM I ACTUALLY
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: YES YOU ARE ACTUALLY
Xavier: AM I THOUGH ACTUALLY THOUGH
Xavier: All my muscles are seized up.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Mine too, outside and in.
Xavier: Kinda lost control a bit, there.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: And several pounds, besides!
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I meant from the workout.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Not from what you deposited into my-
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Speaking of deposits.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Please remember to wipe down that table.
Xavier: Yeah, speaking of deposits.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Enough speaking.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Do you have an account?
Xavier: I was hoping to open one, today.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Goot enufffp.
Xavier: I definitely passed out during that.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: You’re welcome.
Xavier: I’ve never been welcome before.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Well, you know what they say: the times, they are a chaingun.
Xavier: I don’t think that’s what they say.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: It’s true, though. The times are one bitch of a mass-murderer.
Xavier: I hate bitches.
Venkat: Bitches hate it when you hate bitches!
Venkat: I think. Bitches never talk to me.
Xavier: Talking isn’t everything.
Xavier: It’s a whole new world of verbs, out there.
Xavier: And I’m gonna conjugate ’em all!
Xavier: There’s a “conjugation visit” joke to be made here, but my face is too grouchy to sell it.
Xavier: And it’s stuck that way now.
Xavier: And now it’s too late.
Xavier: You know what?
Xavier: The times are a chaingun.
Ivy: I’m the dramatically-juxtaposed past!
Next time: Penny for your penis.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 28 December 2012.