Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which we jump cut to a meeting.
Cory: Why? It’s so jarring!
Vanesa: The legitimacy of your secret spy organization, in my mind, is somewhat diminished by having its meetings in a coffee house.
Chris: You don’t like coffee?
Vanesa: I don’t like non-secret secret agencies.
Vanesa: Aren’t you afraid they’ll hear what we’re up to?
Cory: Who could possibly be listening?
Cory: Okay, wow, yeah.
Theresa: I think we might need to give this one up.
Cory: No, it’s cool, we’ll just kill them all. Starting with Alvin.
Chris: Maybe start with this socially-awkward debutante, instead.
Cory: What about the teenage beatnik?
♪ Teenage beatnik ♪
Cory: Ugh, somebody stop him.
♪ It’s only teenage beatnik ♪
Vanesa: WE ALREADY DID THIS SONG
♪ Teenage beatnik, ooh yeah ♪
Theresa: I feel so helpless.
♪ ‘s only teenage beatnik ♪
Chris: I FUCKED CORY!
Chris: That did it.
Theresa: We’ve all fucked Cory.
Vanesa: I haven’t.
Theresa: Okay, all us real people have fucked Cory.
Cory: I was honestly about to say “is that true” and then I remembered oh yeah, Theresa and I fucked in the previous chapter.
Which was YESTERDAY.
My mind is going.
There is no question about it.
Vanesa: Seek help.
What, in my basement?
Theresa: My first time was with Alvin.
Cory: God, what would that do to a person?!
Alvin: I’d be happy to demonstrate!
Theresa: It’s hard, because he can only get off with Thomas Dolby playing in the background.
Cory: I was kinda hoping we’d talk about spy stuff today.
Vanesa: No, let’s talk about sex.
Chris: Yeah, sex.
Theresa: The sexes have it!
Cory: Y’all got a lot of balls, hijacking my meeting.
Chris: More balls than you, apparently, if we’re able to do it successfully!
Theresa: I think we do need to talk about some spy stuff, though. Like… hey. Who broke into the governor’s office? Somebody broke into the governor’s office.
Chris: Do we know that chick?
Cory: The governor can go fuck himself.
Vanesa: But he’d never have to!
Theresa: Girls, Cory and I have some things to discuss.
Chris: If it’s not sex, sure, we’re out.
Vanesa: If it is sex, though, record it for us.
Chris: Good thinking, Vanesa with one ‘s’!
Vanesa: Okay, are you… like… a posh spy, or something?
Theresa: What are we actually doing.
Cory: Having wacky adventures, and sex?
Cory: Look. I can’t tell you where this storyline is going, because I don’t know. What I do know is, the SCIA isn’t long for this fictional world.
Sorry to interrupt, but I think Richard has an announcement to make.
Because apparently he’s pregnant.
Nick: Let’s celebrate!
Brooke: Cheeky bugger!
Nick: That slang for butt stuff?
Theresa: I don’t want you fucking with me. Are we good guys or bad guys?
Cory: I like to think we’re all bad guys.
Cory: Everyone around here sleeps with everyone else, and the ‘heroes’ go around murdering honest, working folk. I don’t know that the distinction between white hats and black hats is all that helpful right now, to be honest.
Oliver: I once beat up a paperboy.
Cory: There’s a cloud on the horizon, and it’s not made of the kind of stuff you can breathe. The only choice you have is this: do you want to be upwind, or downwind?
Theresa: I want to blow the cloud away.
Cory: Well, I’m sorry, but the cloud knows where we live.
Cory: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go smoke someone.
Theresa: Ooh! Stealth FOOMPF!
Brooke: Two heart attacks! Two heart attacks! Two heart attacks in one!
Mrs. Crumplebottom: FOUND ME A FERENNER
Cory: We’ll take it from here.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: Not gonna look, sonny, but you sound feren too.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: Aw, naw, it’s a dar-
GOODBYE MRS. CRUMPLEBOTTOM
Kiera Siew: We can stab her before we get started, if you like.
Cory: Don’t steal my kills.
Kiera: DOWN WITH THE SCIA!
Cory: I’m not really with the SCIA.
Kiera: DOWN WITH THE SCIA-ADJACENT!
Cory: Sure, close enough.
Kiera: THAT’S WHAT ADJACENT MEANS
Kiera: Hey, watch the dress. This shit’s expensive. We have to steal it from real gypsies!
Kiera: WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU
Cory: Don’t know, wasn’t listening.
Kiera: Think we could get synchronized swording into the Olympics?
Cory: Don’t be ridiculous, there’ll never be another Olympics.
Cory: Once we break the four-year curse cycle everyone will wake up and realize they’ve been destroying our biggest cities for no reason.
Theresa: Sounds like an ENTROPY plot.
Cory: Worse! It’s a sports plot.
Kiera: Fun fact: the game named me to spite the Maker for naming a main characer Kiera.
Cory: Fun fact! I am going to spit you.
Kiera: That wasn’t fun.
Cory: True, though.
Theresa: And now the bleed-out wait begins.
Cory: It might take a while, she’s pretty rosy-looking for an elder.
Cory: And stabby.
Kiera: Oh no, my suspension of disbelief!
Cory: That’s some sharp sword.
Kiera: Welp, no blood puddle yet.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: STABBIT INNA KNEE
Theresa: An old person’s greatest weakness.
Kiera: THESE OLD BONES
Richard: So I hear you used to date a murderer!
Oliver: Until she murdered me, yeah.
Richard: Then who’d you date?
Oliver: I don’t think you grasp the finer points of being murdered, Richard.
Alvin: It’s dangerous to grasp fine points.
Alvin: And to teleport naked.
Jizelle: And to be huggggglyyuuu.
Sheba: .oO(The long arms and short shirt of the law!)
Jizelle: I didn’t mean to offhent you.
Alvin: I was already pretty much off my hent anyway.
Alvin: It’s been a shitty couple of years.
Jizelle: Oui’ve missed you!
Jizelle: Oui really haven’t.
Alvin: Missing is for amateurs.
Alvin: And Alvins.
All that “oui” stuff reminds me of this chick I once dated who spelled “ooh” as “ouu.”
It was super hot.
I don’t know why.
Chris: Blah blah.
Vanesa: THIS ISN’T MY CAAAAAAR
Chris: So that’s it? I can teleport now?
Vanesa: Yeah, the riddle and the hand gesture are basically just cultural accretions, the power is actually transmitted through tiny particulates which exit the mouth and enter via the muc-
Chris: SO THAT’S IT I CAN TELEPORT NOW?
Chris: SUCK IT, STAIRS
Jizelle: And then BOOOOUUUUUM, ze ‘ouse egzsploudeded!
Vanesa: Smack her, would you?
Theresa: I love not being the only sane person here.
Chris: I would love that, too.
Theresa: I meant… there’s two of us, now.
Chris: Two of me?
Jizelle: Ou in the world am I?
Andrew: Oh god, I’m in a tableau.
Vanesa: Do you know anything about the break-in at the governor’s?
Jizelle: I ‘ave it on goot autority zat I don’t know anysink about anysink.
Vanesa: Gettin’ a little German there, Frenchie.
Gettin’ a little naked there, Chrissie.
Chris: I’m gonna buy something lacey.
Cory: Man, I’m so fabulous.
Jizelle: Zere ‘e iz!
Cory: And ‘ere I go!
What’re you studying?
Theresa: Oh, all sorts of things. I’m spending sixty-five percent of my time on oxygen cleaning, eighteen-point-five on carbon, nine-point-five on hydrogen, three-point-two on nitrogen, one-point-five on calcium, one on phosphorus, and leaving time at the end for potassium, sulfur, sodium, chlorine, magnesium, and some trace elements.
Alvin: And ZERO PERCENT on HEDGE TRIMMING
LOOK OUT ABOVVVVVVE
Theresa: He’s talking about you.
Chris: I was raised in a mailroom, I don’t have social graces.
Cory: She’ll be aces at machine-gunning, though!
Theresa: I’m gonna replace Brandi as SCIA chief.
Cory: Aha! A use for our machine-gunners!
Theresa: I don’t intend to murder her.
Cory: That’s unfortunate, because she almost certainly intends to murder you.
Cory: We’re sort of on not-good terms with the real SCIA.
Theresa: I thought we were the real SCIA.
Cory: We are, but then I have nothing to call them.
Brandi: Just don’t call us late for the party.
Theresa: Proximity alert’s going off.
Cory: Probably have to scrape another townie off the porch.
Cory: You gonna see who it is?
Cory: Why not?
Theresa: Because I don’t seek out social interaction?
Theresa: It always ends badly.
Theresa: I prefer privacy.
Theresa: WHO’S LAUGHING
Cynthia: ♪ Everybody’s laughing, but they don’t get the joke ♪
Cynthia: ♪ They giggle and grin in their circus of sin ♪
Cynthia: ♪ But when the lights go down, they choke ♪
Cynthia: ♪ There’s gagging in the cackles, and coughing in the cheers ♪
Cynthia: ♪ And when I roll into sight, they won’t put up a fight, because their storm of snickers broke ♪
Cynthia: ♪ And they’ll croak ♪
Cynthia: ♪ And they never know which direction to go ♪
Cynthia: ♪ And they don’t know what they don’t know ♪
Cynthia: ♪ And they gibber and jest and don’t even get dressed ♪
Cynthia: ♪ So they’ll never hear the sound ♪
Cynthia: ♪ When I come ’round ♪
Vanesa: Anybody else just have a musical nightmare?
Vanesa: Aw, you saved a dumb hat for me!
Cory: As morning routines go, I could get used to this one.
Chris: Mornin’, questionable newcomer!
Cory: You just came the other day.
Chris: And until she comes, too, she’s still questionable!
Vanesa: I’m not fucking that guy as an initiation ritual.
Chris: His dick is, like, eight inches long.
Vanesa: Okay, well… I’m not fucking him as an initiation ritual, then.
Chris: It’s good to keep an open mind. And open legs.
Jizelle: Ant zooperpowairs!
You have ant superpowers?!
Cynthia: ♪ And they piss, and they moan, and they starve all alone ♪
Cynthia: ♪ Until the flock’s thin on the ground, when I come ’round ♪
Theresa: I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Cory: Gosh, I hope not.
Theresa: I mean, I kinda want to reach old age, but I’m not married to the idea.
Theresa: As long as the sandwiches hold out, I’m good.
Next time: not your typical supernatural teen drama.
P.S. Go watch Apollo 13, it’s a fantastic adaptation of the single crazy-awesomest thing to ever happen, which happened fifty years ago this week.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 December 2012, right up to the last thirty seconds of the day!