The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 450!

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which it’s almost my almost-birthday.

Because it’s my birthday.

Theresa: And it’s Alvin’s deathday.

Theresa: God, please, nobody tell him I used magic to save him.

Theresa: It would kill him again.

Theresa: Then again maybe I’ll want that.

This would’ve been the title pic, but it comes too early.

It still should’ve been the title pic, honestly.

I actually just went and checked, and it wouldn’t fit into the frame very well.

It was a really good pic, though.

Theresa: You done playing with yourself?

No, and you’d better hope I never am.

Genie: So… you gonna make a wish, or what.

Theresa: ♪ I think I’ll pass ♪

Theresa: ♪ Can’t think of anything I need ♪


Theresa: If they wanted to.

Elvis: ♪ And his momma cries ♪

Theresa: Hey, do you care more than I do if Alvin’s alive or dead?

Theresa: I might need to call a few people.

Theresa: One of these babes must give a shit.

Theresa: Hey, you’re magic, aren’t you? Wanna magic a dead doofus back to life?

Theresa: A dead FUCKING doofus…

Rip Co. Wobbly Wabbit Head: I certainly wouldn’t waste any sleep on him.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I certainly would sleep on him.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: So hey! It’s good of you to care.
Theresa: It would be! If I did.

Theresa: I just thought I’d put in the minimal amount of effort required to stay on good terms with the neighbourhood.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I respect your social distancing.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: If that’s a cough, you can fuck right off.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Yeah, put it on my tab.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I’ve arranged for a government grant to resurrect dead scientists.

Why, why why does the paper disappear.

Laci: Because it’s been STOLEN!

But then why is your hand like that?

Laci: Because I’ve just stolen a PAPER!

…as long as it makes sense to you, whatever.

Alvin: …are we being gassed?

Alvin: You brought my hands back to life! And me with them!
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Your hands are welcome.

Alvin: They and I’ll be celebrating later tonight.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I don’t know why I like him.
Theresa: I know why I like him, but I don’t know why I like what makes me like him.

Alvin: Hey kid, you remind me of hot women.

Theresa: Anyone else interesting down there?

Theresa: It’s just a figure of speech.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: The Grim Reaper’s in a bit of a mood.

Alvin: Probably because nobody takes him seriously!
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: And because he’s a skeleton.
Alvin: And because he’s a skeleton, yeah, definitely.


Alvin: Without all the extra bits I have.

Cory: Did somebody call for extra bits?

Cory: ‘cuz my bits are extra!

Elvis: ♪ Take… my… ♪
Alvin: ♪ DIIIIICK ♪

Elvis: ♪ Take my whole… ♪
Elvis: ♪ Toooooooo ♪
Theresa: I love this song!

Elvis: ♪ ‘cuz I… can’t… stand… ♪
Alvin: ♪ Not having giving diiiick toooooo yoooooooou ♪

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You make it sound so romantic.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Don’t ever change, Alvin.
Alvin: That’s Scientifically impossible.

Cory: Sorry, I got distracted by the spy thing.

Theresa: You’re a spy thing.

Cory: I’m starting to feel like more of a generalized villain thing.

Theresa: Awesome! I regret saving you already.


Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Sex is also healthy.

Alvin: Oh yeah, baby, have health with me.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I was thinking I’d do health to you, actually.

Alvin: Wow! She knows thumb-through-dick style.

Irvin: So.
Bethany: Yeah.
Irvin: You’re a girl.
Bethany: Shit, what?! Nobody told me!

Weird, nobody’s hoverhanding.

It must be true love.

Wait, no, there it is.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Don’t topple any governments I wouldn’t topple!

I hear you.

Elvis: ♪ Uh, well, a-bless my soul, what’s wrong with me? ♪

Elvis: Besides EVERYTHING

Elvis: ♪ I’m itchin’ like a man on a fuzzy tree ♪
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Is it a shit tree? All fuzzy from shit?

Elvis: ♪ My friends say I’m ♪
Elvis: ♪ as a ♪

Elvis: ♪ I’m all growed up! ♪

Kenneth: If we’re just doing songs today, count me out.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Why are we just doing songs?

‘cuz it’s 11:29 at night and I’m not done this chapter and I’m tired and it’s my birthday so GET OFF MY BACK

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Any one of those reasons would have sufficed.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Funny story! Neutral magic isn’t considered a real school.

So what’re you gonna do? Find a real school?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Found a real school,

Irvin: Hey lady, you heard of this Corona Virus they keep talking about?

Bethany: Do you hear screaming?

Elvis: All the time.

Bethany: Do you live here?
Laci: Do you?

Laci: I like to think of it as a communal house.

Elvis: My daddy fights the communals, abroad and at home.
Laci: That’s not right, and that’s not right.

Laci: So you see, capitalism is like a cloud on the clear blue sky of human potential and liberty.
Elvis: I knew there was a reason your hair’s pink.

Elvis: You argument is invalid because I am personally not disadvantaged by the present iniquities and inequities.

Irvin: Y’all motherfuckers wanna talk about spaghetti instead?


I’m tired and I’m doing SHIT WORK so THAT’S THE CHAPTER.

Next time…
Next time…
Okay, suck it up, princess, let’s do this right.

Irvin: Why don’t you wait until tomorrow?

Because the next storyline starts in what should be the next chapter, and 451 is a great number for that.

Irvin: You’re endangering the quality of our story for nice round numbers?

I’ve endangered it for nice round things before.

It’s funny that I’m having a writing breakdown now that the pics are being framed properly.

Laci: Let me teach you how to frame someone properly.

Laci: The secret is being evil.

Laci: Now practice the cackling I taught you.


I’d use that as a book title if I hadn’t already used something similar.

Alvin: Don’t steal my ideas.

They are also MY ideas.


Irvin: I reject the concept of rote learning.
Alvin: Have you been turning my kids into communists?

Alvin: She’s been turning my kids into communists.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Good.


Laci: I thought she was supposed to be NEUTRAL.
Neila Sharpe the Witch: Communism is neutral!
Belinda the Malevolent: The other two poles are both anarchy.

Belinda the Malevolent: I’m on the side with the sexy anarchy.

Alvin: Hello fat girl William.

Alvin: Let me put my fat boy Alvin into you.

Neila Sharpe the Witch: That was an absolute miracle of nopitude.

Alvin: Thanks! I got lots more.

Alvin: And then she kicked me in the balls and flew away.

Alvin: Ah!
Belinda the Malevolent: What? I was gonna punch you in the balls and run away!

Alvin: Wanna restore the Maker’s flagging attention with a sex scene?
Belinda the Malevolent: Will that work?

Oh yeah baby, thrill me with your stock poses.

Belinda the Malevolent: What if Uma was a GHOST?

Belinda the Malevolent: What if CHEATING was a ghost?!

Belinda the Malevolent: What if you and Michael are just quantum superpositions of each other?

Alvin: What if shut UP!

Belinda the Malevolent: What if I was taller?

Alvin: What if holy shit, who are your parents?
Belinda the Malevolent: You’d never believe me.

Alvin: They must have been Grade-A superhotties!
Belinda the Malevolent: Like I said, you’d never believe me.

Alvin: If you can make yourself taller-
Belinda the Malevolent: No.
Alvin: Can’t you make your-
Belinda the Malevolent: NO.

Alvin: Meh, they’re good enough.

Alvin: I do love me some vertically-stretched ass.

Alvin: If my lips come away green I’m gonna be super pissed.

Belinda the Malevolent: If your lips come away green I got super kissed.

Irvin: We should melt the KKK.

We should.


Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Fantastic save.

Theresa: This sack is for GIVING! Not kidnapping.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Totally believable.

Theresa: I totally believe in your total belief of me!

Neila Sharpe the Witch: I kicked him in the balls, this is my table now by right of conquest.

♪ At midnight all the agents, and the superhuman crew ♪

♪ Go out and round up everyone that they wish they could screw ♪

Alvin: What if Uma WASN’T a ghost?
Belinda the Malevolent: What?

Alvin: What if cheating WASN’T a ghost?
Laci: What are you even-
Belinda the Malevolent: I KNOW RIGHT

Alvin: You don’t understand quantum superposition.

Theresa: A thorough damnation if ever there was one.

Laci: Lot of thorough damnation going around here lately.

Chapter 450: in which everyone is on fire for everyone else.

Belinda the Malevolent: Doesn’t Elvis have a song about that?

Yeah, but I already used it.

Alvin: He makes poor choices.

Almost exclusively.

For instance, it’s past midnight and I’m writing captions for witch sex.

Alvin: And not even good ones!

Alvin: If my dick comes away green-
Belinda the Malevolent: You will have SCRAPED MY INSIDES OFF

Alvin: Wait, it’s green in there too? I suddenly don’t want to touch you.

Belinda the Malevolent: It’s a few inches too late for THAT.

Alvin: Just a few inches?

Belinda the Malevolent: You used them relatively well.

Alvin: Just relatively?

Alvin: That bad, huh.

Belinda the Malevolent: I know how you can make it down to me.

Belinda the Malevolent: Oh yeah baby, internalize your ponytail.


Belinda the Malevolent: Oh yeah.
Alvin: Baby.

Alvin: GOD that’s creepy.

Belinda the Malevolent: I THINK I’M SHRINKING

Belinda the Malevolent: Your man kissed me shorter.

Theresa: …what?

Alvin: More like what what.


Alvin: …what if THERESA was a ghost?!

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: It was good of you to keep at it and produce this literary masterpiece.

Hey girl, thanks.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Happy birthday.

Hey girl, thanks.

Theresa: Hey guy!
Alvin: No thanks.

Amar: I’m so lonely!
Alvin: Sounds fine!

Irvin: What’s for breakfast?
Alvin: What’s breakfast?

Irvin: Remember, buddy: we tell anyone about this at school, and we’ll have to go live with a real family that gives us real food.

Elvis: That sounds horrible.

Elvis: I hope I never have to be healthy.

Elvis: I never want to grow up!

And you probably won’t.

Next time: a new story and a renewed sense of purpose!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 19 December 2012 to 20 December 2012.

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