Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which we celebrate Valentine’s Day with the death of a marriage.
Instead of the deaths of mobsters.
That comes later.
Alvin: I think it was a success, overall.
Theresa: It certainly cleared some things UP.
Alvin: Thank you for missing my marriage.
Dagmar: Wouldn’t make it for the world!
Dagmar: Can I slap him?
You wouldn’t be the first.
Michael: Where we headed?
Theresa: I want some new, non-Alvin-themed clothes.
Michael: So, H&M? The Tailor?
Theresa: No, we’re doing a callback.
Michael: Not gonna lie; as a Fortune Sim I am not SUPER turned on by convenience store clothing.
Michael: Then again, hopefully you won’t be wearing it long.
Michael: You don’t own a cell phone?
Theresa: My good looks are obviously distracting you from the fact that I wasn’t a playable until, like, yesterday.
Theresa: Anyway Alvin has my workphone, and as much as the idea of talking shit to him while you and I fuck has its appeal, hearing his voice while you and I fuck does not.
William: The take-away from that is the fucking, obviously.
Theresa: You can take me away and fuck me any time, boss!
Theresa: Except this time. It’s Michael’s turn.
William: That’s fair. He doesn’t get many.
Michael: He doesn’t get any.
Brooke: But he’s getting some soon!
Theresa: I can’t believe he cheated on me.
Michael: While you were cheating on him.
Theresa: I know! The nerve!
Theresa: Goodnight, Mrs. Woodrow.
Theresa: It’s time to Leive again.
Michael: You didn’t want to take the bandage off, while you were changing?
Theresa: I wanted to remind myself why I was changing.
Michael: The important things didn’t change.
Theresa: Where to now?
Michael: I know a little place. Several little places, in fact.
Michael: Also I own them.
Theresa: This place has the most fantastic views!
Michael: Yes, from here I can see all the people whose money is in the orbit of my businesses. It’s quite beautiful.
Theresa: Do you ever not think about money?
Theresa: Even when you’re thinking about sex?
Michael: I’m a special man. I can think about two things at once.
Theresa: That IS special.
Theresa: You gonna show me around?
Michael: I’m gonna show you a point.
Nothing brings people together like wordplay.
Theresa: I love your awards!
Michael: I love them too.
Theresa: So are we just playing at this, or are we gonna actually do it.
Michael: We’re both pissed off, and hatefucks passed up are hatefucks you never get a second swing at.
Theresa: Does the idea appeal to you beyond its capacity for vengeance satisfaction?
Michael: If you can wrap your lips around that sentence, I can’t even imagine what else you can do with them.
Theresa: This is a bookstore. It’s got imagination to spare.
Michael: They’re all books about money, actually.
Theresa: I’ll loan you my imagination, then.
I loaned that joke from Serial Adultery.
Luckily, very few people read it.
Theresa: Alright, get your dick out before he starts whining.
Theresa: There’s a gypsy outside.
Michael: Man, I love that song.
Michael: ♪ And every night all the men would come around… and lay their money down ♪ Man, I could listen to that line on loop for hours.
Michael: Speaking of things I could do for hours…
Theresa: Erection, your honour!
Thank god he was wearing the robe, I might never have thought of that joke otherwise.
And most of the judging in this story is in the past.
Michael: Good news! No more judgement.
Actually I’m judging your expressions a little.
Theresa: I really like that award.
Michael: Hard porn is its own reward.
Michael: Are you gonna stare at that thing the entire time?
Theresa: My orgasms are none of your concern.
Michael: That’s something a dude likes to hear!
♪ And you light my evenin’ store with burnin’ hate ♪
Michael: ♪ I’m just a fuck-a-fuck-a-burnin’ hate ♪
Theresa: We found a way to enjoy the view even more.
Michael: I call this position the Down Payment!
Michael: Wave hello to the nice stereotype.
Michael: …I think I just made a deposit.
Theresa: You might as well build up a credit rating, then.
Theresa: Your visible penis feels great in my invisible vagina!
Theresa: If I couldn’t feel it, I wouldn’t know it was there, but MAN can I feel it!
Michael: Ohhhh boy, here comes a cash infusion.
This one’s the money shot.
Michael: YESSSSSS FINANCIAL HUMOUR ORGASM
Michael: Why am I grabbing her ribs.
Felicia: You didn’t say anything about floor sex. You must be broken.
Theresa: The roof? Again?
Michael: Baby, I’m hot outside.
Michael: Don’t DO that! You made me think a witch was behind me.
Theresa: Instead of a WIZARD behind ME!
Theresa: A financial wizard.
Michael: I just came.
Theresa: And I’m going!
Michael: I just came… again?
Theresa: Is that even-
Michael: It isn’t!
I DON’T THINK WE NEED ANY MATCHMAKING HERE, THANKS
Michael: Marriage is neat, but there’s nothing like playing the field.
Theresa: Alright, I’m full.
Theresa: YOU HEARD ME
Michael: I had a lovely time.
Theresa: I had a ton of fucking. Which is better.
Theresa: Get that thing out of me before it freezes in there.
Michael: Call me?
Michael: ♪ Do-doot doot do doot do do-doot! ♪
Irvin: This weird old man followed me home.
Alvin: I’ve lost her.
William: At least you got to have her.
Irvin: Dude. Small ears are listening.
William: I can hook you up. With, you know, a hooker.
Alvin: I’m a secret agent. I know how to find my own HOOKERS.
Irvin: How are you with newspapers?
Alvin: I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong careers.
Alvin: Wanna be my Science buddy?
Abigail: Sure, I need to blow off some steam and it only wastes precious time when I do it in my own chapters.
Yvette: Aw, she tolerates you! In certain strictly delimited situations.
Alvin: Why can’t you be one of those senile nannies.
Abigail: Something you need to talk about, kid?
Irvin: His name is FUCK DADDY and FUCK THERESA and FUCK THE MAID and-
Theresa: …I’ll come back later.
Alvin: Haha, lookit dem titties.
I was all ready to freak out when I saw how bad this no-ceiling shot was, until I realized I probably took it intentionally because Alvin was talking about the sky, and by then I didn’t have enough energy to make a proper caption.
So… you’re welcome.
Alvin: My wife left me.
Abigail: You were married?
Alvin: It was… uh… recent.
Abigail: I can only spare enough time for a blowjob.
Alvin: Throw in some pre-conjugal tonsil hockey and you’ve got-
Irvin: SMALL EARS
Evil Snowman: .oO(Now THAT’s just MEAN.)
Michael: I fucked your wife. YOWZA!
Michael: I’m taking out your trash. Now we’re even.
Alvin: That does NOT compute.
Irvin: ♪ ALL THE WAY TO HELL ♪
Alvin: I never saw them when they were standing, anyway.
Abigail: I never saw them when they fell!
Yvette: You could just look now.
Irvin: I CAN’T
Abigail: Presumably he won’t follow us upstairs.
Alvin: It would be illogical.
Abigail: Good, kids always do the logical thing.
Alvin: How do you take this thing off?
Abigail: Exactly. I take it off.
Irvin: Do ANY ONE THING
Alvin: He shoots, HE SCORES!
Alvin: He waits.
Alvin: Ooh, retractable!
Alvin: Isn’t that where the Wookiees are from?
Alvin: “Wookiee” rhymes with “nookie.”
Abigail: I don’t want to blow you if it means you’re gonna be the only one who can talk.
Alvin: I just read Faye Keefer’s article on prequantum dynaoscillation sequences. I can recite it for you verbatim.
Abigail: Thirty pages of blowjob, coming up!
Alvin: And… when the inversion manifold… is ex-ci-I-I-TED…! Whew!
Abigail: She actually wrote “whew” in a published paper? Wow.
Abigail: Their standards must be even lower than mine are now.
Alvin: AND WHEN THE HYPERATOMIC RELAY SIGNATURE IS RUN PARALLEL TO THE OH MY GOD THAT THING WITH THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE
Alvin: Someone needs to write an article on THAT.
Abigail: Tehw me mohw abowt de weway signatuhw.
Abigail: Job’s done. Back to work.
Abigail: We scientists hear so little of it.
Abigail: It’s been a pleasure pleasuring you.
Michael: Wow, it didn’t take long for this place to go to the dumps.
Irvin: We were in a hurry, so we brought the dumps to us.
Alvin: Go wash your mouth out.
Abigail: Don’t need to. Nanites were doing it for me in real-time.
Alvin: Where were they depositing the output?
Abigail: In your penis.
Alvin: I’m gonna take a screaming piss and I don’t want you to hear.
Yvette: I really appreciate it.
Alvin: Also I’m sick of looking at you.
Irvin: You’ll be ACTUALLY sick, soon!
PICK UP THE CAN AND THROW IT OUT
Irvin: I’m a kid! Anything with two or more steps sounds endless.
Laci: Wow. I’m gone a few days and there’s trash everywhere, the roofs are gone, and invaders at the door.
Evil Snowman: .oO(ROME HAS FALLEN)
Alvin: Hey kid!
Hey Kid: How did you know my name?
Alvin: SYMBOLIC DESTRUCTION
Hey Kid: He must be facing circumstances beyond his control, and acting out within the bounds available to him!
Hey Kid: This may afford him some measure of catharsis, but is unlikely to address the underlying issues leading to the outburst.
Hey Kid: Anyway, gotta go finish my colouring homework. See ya!
Hey Kid: Maybe see a doctor.
Hey Kid: AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON
Hey Kid: ‘s fuckin’ freezin’ out here.
Irvin: I HOPE I CATCH COLD AND DIE
Alvin: Well well well, if it isn’t A BONER
Erik: Don’t tease.
Erik: BOO SNOW HANNIBAL, YOU HAVE FAILED
Irvin: Who’s depressed, exhausted, and signing off on behalf of their shitty family? These small ears.
Next time: downstairs -> upstairs.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 9 September 2012.
Because apparently I had that entire damn day to fuck around on the computer?