Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which it’s hours past the appointed time but I don’t care, I was busy doing other Chronicles-related stuff and anyway it’s still the same day if I haven’t gone to bed yet, right?
“It’s a family,” the game whines with increasing urgency. “This is a FAMILY simulator, so these are FAMILIES. They’re FAMILIES.”
Nerissa: I’d like to get familiar with him.
Lance: Hey sexy mama, can you turn on the incinerator for me?
Nerissa: How do you know about the incinerator?
Lance: I’m magically reading your evil mind.
Nerissa: That’s… hot?
Nerissa: And so is the incinerator.
Lance: I like a woman who can do terrible things quickly.
Lance: Almost as much as I like fried woman.
Emmy: Don’t eat me! I’m wearing a lot of hair gel!
Shane: Hey guy, what’s your deal?
Lance: My deal will cost you.
Lance: Man, this incinerator is already paying for itself!
Lance: Not monetarily, you understand, but in terms of pleasure.
Shane: Our pleasures do not intersect.
Emmy: Any chance this is one of those moments where the hero swoops in at the last moment and saves me?
Lance: Do you know any heroes?
Emmy: That is a concern.
Lance: I wouldn’t waste time on concern, you haven’t got a lot of it left.
Lance: How do you fire it up?
Nerissa: “Toast it.”
Lance: Ooh, voice activated! I bet you had to pay extra.
Lance: Was it worth it?
Nerissa: Yeah, totally.
Emmy: I DISAGREE
Shane: Am I… floating?
Lance: It only feels that way because you’re in love.
Shane: I think you must be reading someone else’s mind.
Nerissa: Wow, the remaining ambient heat got him already! Smell that sizzle.
Nerissa: Or don’t! I’m not gonna.
Lance: Do you need this open?
The Grim Reaper: MY BEAM CUTS THROUGH MULTIPLE DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS AND EVERY LAYER OF THE PLANET’S ATMOSPHERE IN A MATTER OF SECONDS. NO, I DON’T NEED THE GARBAGE CAN LID OPEN.
Lance: That guy. So grim!
The Grim Reaper: DO I NEED IT OPEN.
The Grim Reaper: HMMPH.
Lance: Where’s the red ring around your death headline?
Nerissa: You see enough death, it loses its ring.
Lance: Alternatively, you’re just slow.
Brenda: No-one would know.
Meanwhile in the SOME PEOPLE household…
Nathaniel: WELL I DIDN’T ASK YOU TO BARGE IN
There’s a naked guy upstairs who’s actually trapped in a basement.
Emmy: Did you take your meds today?
I’ve stopped taking them entirely. Too many side-effects.
Emmy: Well… at least that won’t affect the images, just the captions.
Lance: I know a thing or two about side-effects.
Lance: Do you have a name? It’s awkward seeing your dialogue as, like… a sound effect, or whatever.
WE HAVE MANY NAMES
Lance: Oh god, this tired schtick.
Emmy: Is your stick tired?
Nathaniel: And in a basement, apparently!
For a while I thought this was gonne be the first update where I didn’t have to crop a pic.
And then this pic happened, and all the cropping in the world couldn’t save it.
Emmy: Wanna go for another roll, as long as Past Grugly doesn’t realize you can’t be here?
Fucking Past Grugly.
Past Grugly: *is oblivious*
Nathaniel: It’s so hard to meet new people, trapped in a basement.
Emmy: With a bigfoot and a robot maid, you were saying.
Chris Despret: Did I just walk into a walking-into-a-bar joke?
Chris: Hahaha, a mailwoman walks into a walking-into-a-bar joke. She says “Is this a punchline?”
Rodney: Hello hot new mailwoman!
Chris: Am I hot? I’m so new, I haven’t even seen me!
Rodney: Does that mean you’re legal, or not?
Chris: Technically I was just born.
Chris: But I was just born thirty!
Rodney: …I dunno, maybe still boo?
Emmy: Is there a spaceman in the basement too?
Nathaniel: The bigfoot is also a spaceman.
Nathaniel: Will you marry me, and also save me from the basement?
Emmy: You’ve heard the expression “Not for love or money?” Well, around here, those aren’t two different things.
Emmy: You pay my back, I’ll fuck yours.
Nathaniel: I’ve definitely never heard that expression.
Nathaniel: Wouldn’t it be funny if a butterfly landed on my wing-wong?
THE LESSON LEARNED
THE TASK IS SET
THE GOAL IN SIGHT
Lance: But yeah, not yet.
THAT WASN’T YOUR LINE
Emmy: Does upstairs sound evil to you?
Nathaniel: Yeah, there’s an evil warlock talking to an evil book.
Emmy: Is there a ghost and a mummy, too?
Nathaniel: So hey, how’s the property value around here? Existent?
Nathaniel: HAHAHA MY DICK IS CLIPPING
Nathaniel: It kinda hurt.
Nathaniel: Was I talking about my dick too much?
Nathaniel: I was talking about my dick too much.
Lance: I just… wow. That’s a lot to ask.
WE DO NOT ASK
WE DO DEMAND
AND SO OUR WISH
Lance: Is my command!
NOW YOU’RE GETTING IT
Nathaniel: This is the getting-it place!
Richard: As long as you remember that it is also the paying for it place!
Lance: He’s about to pay, alright.
Dude, threatening to kill a Murphy isn’t evil.
Lance: I’ve already forgotten about the Murphy.
Lance: WHY HELLO THERE
Emmy: WHY hello here?!
Samantha: You bugged out?
Richard: …what day is it?
Emmy: It’s Warlock Appreciation Day!
Emmy: And this just so happens to be the best business in town for appreciation-showing!
Lance: I guess I said it right… the book said there would be conseq-
Lance: No, I definitely said it wrong.
Next time: he says it right?
This chapter depicts gameplay from 18 July 2012.