Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which an escape is planned.
Half this fucking town is a something-Murphy.
Why isn’t he the mayor?
Stephen: Because I don’t like dealing with garbage.
Stephen: Except when I do.
Vicki: FUCK MAYORS
Meanwhile this is happening.
Since the can is up now I guess that was a blatant misuse of “meanwhile.”
Which is pretty much the only use it gets nowadays.
Stephen: Hi! Why.
Stephen: Actually why not.
Yusun Kearney: That’s what I always say! To my detriment.
Yusun: Nice kitty.
Yusun: NAUGHTY KITTY
Yusun: OHHH IT’S IN MY PORES
Stephen: You can use my shower if you’re an adult.
Yusun: Why do I have to be an adult to use your shower?
Stephen: So I can take pictures of you doing it. Nothing’s free, girl.
Yusun: I’m old enough to auto-erotically asphyxiate myself.
Stephen: David Carradine was pretty old.
Not old enough 🙁
Unlike most of the townie teens, who are like a hundred, Yusun is only like twenty.
Stephen: She’d be pretty boring without Ember’s skintone, too.
But she does have Ember’s skintone.
Stephen: And thus.
Yusun: Is this photography for personal or commercial purposes?
Stephen: Depends how it turns out. But probably the former.
Yusun: So you’re a pervert.
Stephen: Yep yep.
Stephen: A talented pervert, though.
Stephen: With sophisticated equipment. And a camera.
That’s not tacky at all.
Stephen: No. Don’t touch the equipment.
Stephen: Making dumb faces won’t help.
Stephen: No! I’ve already got too many wives.
Yusun: I could be your girlfriend!
Stephen: You could go away!
Yusun: I could be your muse!
Stephen: You could go away!
Yusun: I could go away!
Stephen: Twenty years old and she hasn’t learned how not to be a goddamned pig.
Stephen: Some people have no sense of class.
Felix: It’s okay, sis. We don’t have object permanence.
Fiona: This would be a terrible time for it to set in.
Sometimes I just can’t with these people.
Margaret: And sometimes us people just won’t.
Brooke: Did you hear me?
Margaret: I don’t hear townies anymore. I’ve been gentrified.
Stephen: Welcome to our dump.
Brooke: HAND MAGNETS
Stephen: WHAT NO
Margaret: Just let it happen.
Stephen: Nice kitty!
Vicki: MEAN VICKI
Stephen: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. About that.
Vicki: …fancy meeting you here?
Stephen: You are meeting me, and you are fancy.
Vicki: I’m really sorry about the garbage.
Stephen: I’m over here?
Vicki: I’m apologizing to the Maker.
Yeah, it’s alright, I guess. But stop it.
Vicki: I just don’t know what came over me, I saw you snogging the mayor and it really bothered me for some reason.
Stephen: Are we romantically involved or something?
Vicki: God I don’t know. I’m some fucked up in the head, my man.
Well I can’t find any romantic interactions between them.
I did find this.
HOW DID NOBODY NOTICE.
William: Well I mean my middle name is Stephen…
WELL I MEAN YOU’RE NOT REALLY HERE SHUT UP
Vicki: I just feel so… bad… about…?
Vicki: …huh? What?
Vicki: Why you naked?
Vicki: Is this a suburban nudist camp?
Vicki: Can I camp here.
Stephen: You ever have a portrait done?
Thanks, past Grugly?
I don’t think I was ever in danger of forgetting those.
Lainey: SO UNFORGETTABLE
Stephen: Wanna come be my etchings?
Vicki: What even are etchings?
Stephen: I think they were made up for that pickup line.
Vicki: Who’s that?
Stephen: Probably nobody.
Lainey: Yeah, probably.
Stephen: You still seem kinda mad.
Vicki: I’m not mad, I’m crazy.
Stephen: Like a fox?
Vicki: Like an axe murderer.
Stephen: Like an axe me murder me-er?
Vicki: If you keep that shit up, yeah! Probably.
Margaret: I hate him.
I named it after a bunch of places in Canada.
And the French term for downtown, “centre ville.”
So I guess it means “downtown district.”
So I guess it’s a perfect name.
Vicki: Whole lotta perfect goin’ on.
Vicki: I picked up a book of your sketches at the library.
Stephen: I thought they only carried those at the adult bookstore!
Vicki: So you do nudie pics.
Vicki: And your hedge is protruding through your wall.
Stephen: Am I seeing double, or are you two hot?!
Yeah, I know.
But once I thought of it, it had to go in.
Vicki: Porn me like one of your porn girls.
Vicki: Hahaha that smart woman’s dumb.
Vicki: Did you hear her kids keep dying?
Vicki: So dead! So often.
Vicki: …well how was I supposed to know that.
Stephen: AGRESSIVE POSTURE ADJUSTMENT
Stephen: Man, that Maxis Match skintone.
Stephen: A lot of these pics are HD!
Stephen: How come?
It’s definitely not because you’re in them.
Vicki: Wait, did you take high-res pics because I’m naked?
Don’t go visiting my intentions.
Vicki: The Maker approves of your choice of models.
The Maker chooses his choice of models.
Stephen: Oh god, what did I do.
Vicki: You do prop pics, right? This one’s pretty, and I hestitate to use the word, iconic.
Stephen: Are you sure you’re okay with that? I know the whole axe murderer thing wasn’t actually your fault.
Vicki: If you can’t laugh at your murderous rampages, what can you laugh at.
Stephen: We can find something less… controversial for you to hold, if you want.
Vicki: Keep it in your pants.
Vicki: For now, at least.
Vicki: Okay, I’m ready.
Stephen: What’s with the baseball?
Vicki: I like baseball!
Stephen: That’s your second defining character trait?
Vicki: When axe murder is your first, you don’t really need much of a second.
Stephen: Keep reminding me of the axe murder thing, it’s really setting me at ease.
Vicki: Suffer for your art, potential victim!
Vicki: Let me know if we get to “gonna call the cops” level of awkward, though.
Vicki: You done shooting?
Stephen: Unless you start throwing, yeah.
Vicki: Do you actually have a gun?
Stephen: Yeah, they hand those out for free at art school.
Stephen: No I don’t have a gun.
Stephen: So, do you like it? The whole “riddle of the sphinx” thing you’ve got going on is doing a number on my head.
Vicki: It’s pretty good! Can I get a copy?
Stephen: Sure you can! Sponsor an art gallery and it’s all yours.
Stephen: Fuck off, whoever you are.
Joshua: SHE KILLED ME
Joshua: PUSHED ME INTO A POOL
Joshua: YOUR FAMILY’S IN DANGER
Stephen: Can you call back when literally any of my blood is in the vicinity of my brain?
Vicki: You’re quite the artist, Stephen.
Stephen: That’s nice of you to say.
Vicki: It is nice of me to say.
Vicki: It’s also nice of me to mean.
Vicki: And I can be so mean.
I’m sure I was really excited at the time.
Stephen: Getting pretty excited myself, won’t lie.
Vicki: Have this murder plant.
Vicki: To remember me by.
Vicki: What? Too on-the-nose?
Stephen: You’re so much more than just a murderer, Vicki!
Vicki: I’m not actually a murderer at all, so, yeah.
Stephen: You seem like you’re trying to reinvent yourself.
Vicki: Well can you blame me? Considering the last time I was invented it was ENTROPY doing the inventing?
Stephen: OH GOSH YOU’RE STILL NAKED
Stephen: I’ve been doing a whole series of these. Tons of ’em.
Vicki: Sounds like a passion project.
Stephen: It’s boring and I hate it.
Stephen: Do you like piña coladas?
Vicki: I don’t think that’s a good metaphor for what’s happening here.
Stephen: Maybe we can do a sequel to the song, where it ends realistically.
Vicki: Maybe we can just fuck.
Vicki: Oops, my feelings are showing.
Vicki: I’m tired of being a local celebrity.
Stephen: I’m not, but I am tired of not having a plotline.
Stephen: Aren’t you supposed to be marrying William?
Vicki: I did marry William.
Stephen: So why are you still wearing your engagement ring?
Vicki: Call it the commitment version of a mood ring.
♪ I didn’t think about my lady, I know that sounds kinda mean ♪
♪ But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine ♪
Stephen: There’s an old lady staring at us.
Vicki: Let’s give her something to stare about.
Vicki: How about lust?
Stephen: I saw the heart. How about love.
Vicki: Again, too on-the-nose.
Stephen: You ever been to Twikkii Island?
Vicki: I’ve never been anywhere. Oh! That’s not true! I’ve been dead.
Stephen: Yeah, me too.
Stephen: Twikkii Island’s nicer.
Vicki: You asking me on a vacation?
Stephen: Maybe. While the vacatin’s good.
Vicki: It might be good for you to leave the country, since you’re making out with William Sharpe’s wife in a glass box in the state capital.
Stephen: Hahaha yeah I’m pretty dead.
Stephen: Speaking of dead, did you hear? Fucking hilarious.
Stephen: Oh, what. If you can’t laugh at war criminals who can you laugh at.
Stephen: Present company excepted, of course.
Vicki: Hey, I was dead for the war.
Stephen: Yeah… me too.
Stephen: I’m glad we came back.
Neil: Hey, honey.
Stephen: What’s wrong?
Vicki: Everything. Me.
Stephen: Maybe everything, but definitely not you.
Vicki: You really know how to help a girl overcome her mind control issues.
Stephen: So those mind-controlling axes still fucking you up a bit, eh?
Stephen: What are the odds they’ll get me murdered?
Vicki: Zero! They might get anybody who messes with you murdered, though.
Stephen: I probably don’t want that either.
Vicki: You’re a better man than Neil.
Stephen: Oh yeah, definitely.
Stephen: ♪ If you’re not into yoga ♪
Vicki: Aww, stop it.
Stephen: ♪ If you have half a brain ♪
Vicki: Seriously stop it, it’s the least romantic song ever written.
Vicki: We’re still totally doing this, though.
Stephen: Wow do you have muscles.
Vicki: Yeah, well. Axes.
Vicki: Thanks for bringing it up again.
Vicki: Was the siding supposed to be reminiscent of the trailer where I did most of my murdering?
Stephen: Uh… well… yeah.
Vicki: It was blue, you know.
Stephen: Well I didn’t want to trigger you. In any sense of the word.
Vicki: You’re such a considerate adulterer.
Ugh, those feet.
It takes me like five more years to fix those feet.
Vicki: Ooh, we get new feet? That’s like getting new shoes times ten!
Stephen: Alright, so.
Stephen: We gonna…?
Stephen: My pants were about to evict me.
Vicki: Maybe we should put some curtains up?
Stephen: I’m hoping to give Crumplebottom a heart attack, honestly.
Vicki: A noble quest.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: I don’t have a heart.
That dragon is freaking out.
Vicki: One… sympathizes…
BEHIND THE SCENES!
I don’t know what’s happening.
Stephen: Whatever it is, it’s working!
Stephen: I mean, it’s working for me…
Vicki: Don’t mind me. I’m just adjusting to normal penis size.
Stephen: Fucking William.
Vicki: Way too much, yes.
Stephen: Once you go Sharpe, you never…
Stephen: Something about a tarp, maybe?
Stephen: …jew’s harp?
Stephen: You’re making me nervous.
Vicki: It just fits so well in my hand. You know?
Stephen: Well don’t let it slip.
Vicki: Even when I was crazy I only killed people who were threatening my family.
Stephen: That so? ‘cuz I’m definitely threatening your family right now, via your marriage.
Stephen: Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that.
Vicki: Nah, it’s all good. We’re doing exposure response prevention therapy for my axe-murdering.
Vicki: Ohhhhh… so. You… getting any… urges? From that thing? You wanna… mmm… throw it into anyone’s forehead? Or anything?
Stephen: I WANT TO THROW A BABY INTO YOUR UTERUS
Stephen: I don’t think it’s the axe doing that.
Vicki: Yeah, probably not.
Vicki: Well I guess it’s not the axes anymore, it’s just me.
Stephen: I like an unpredictable woman.
Stephen: My first wife killed me once. Did you know that?
It was your son, actually.
Stephen: Are you sure?
Yeah, I remember it pretty clearly.
Stephen: And yet you don’t remember Vicki and me flirting.
Right, and they’re such comparably interesting events!
Vicki: You ever think our generation fucked things up pretty bad?
Stephen: Yeah, but our kids saw our serial killer and raised us zombies.
And a worse serial killer! Don’t forget the worse serial killer.
She hasn’t forgotten you.
Vicki: Our sins gave birth to the second generation.
Stephen: We missed the second generation.
Vicki: I wonder if it missed us.
Things were getting too heavy.
Vicki: Well! THAT was refreshing!
Stephen: The pause that impregnates! Sometimes.
Vicki: Do you have a bathroom? I need to disimpregnate my bladder.
That nearly came out so much worse.
Next time: trippin’.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 15 June 2012 to 16 June 2012.