Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 3!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
Commentary in square brackets, because this shit needs some serious explainin’.
The commentary has its own narrative flow apart from the original narrative flow. If that’s confusing to you, uh… well, darn.
[I basically went “what’s a good pic that looks the same in both versions and also lets me insult TS3?”]
Obviously these two need no introduction.
[There’s no household loading screens in TS3, so that’s the Create-A-Household portait.]
Leonard: I need them introduced. To me.
[This is the first TS3 image I did that made it in. Lyndsey and Kelsey are old versions but you can’t tell at this distance, particularly with the window fog. I love the window fog. It’s one of the few things I like about TS3.]
Nerissa: Well, you played your best. You can mail your valuables to my post office box.
[Making the clocks match sucked. Making entire Sims for one or two pics sucked more. There’s a lot of pics from the original chapter I cut because they required too much work for too little payoff and I was under the gun the entire time.]
Kelsey: You took that awful well.
Lyndsey: The natural lifespan of a townie is about twenty years. It would be cruel to deny them their little victories.
[I guess technically you should be able to see the prison in both pics. But who gives a fuck.]
Lyndsey: Especially with so many little failures kicking around here.
[At this point I should mention that even though TS3 shamelessly rips models and textures from TS2, nothing is the same size it used to be, and even the differences in scale aren’t applied consistently. Also teens are shorter. Also walls are wider. ALSO THE CAMERA IS FISHEYED. Also also also. So it’s literally impossible to make a 1:1 image conversion between the two games. I’ve tried to get the major masses in proportion instead.]
Kelsey: Hey there Murphy dude.
Leonard: I’m such a freakin’ dude.
[I’ve also had the doppelgangers do TS3 interactions when they can’t do the original TS2 interactions. For example, these two are hanging loose (“Shaka Bra”) because TS3 lacks some rare, unusual, who’d-miss-them things like HANDSHAKES.
Kelsey: A dude with ‘tude. A ‘tude dude.
[The speech and thought bubbles, hearts, plumbbobs, and Lifetime Happiness Points are all faked.]
Kelsey: Back off, bitch. Lust is thicker than blood.
[The “main” characters are pretty faithfully rendered. The farther-off any other character will appear, the less faithful they are.]
Heath: Lust is thicker than my penis.
[Another thing TS3 basically doesn’t do is walking gestures. Because it’s a shit game.]
Kelsey: CAN YOU PRUNE YOUR TOWNIE POOL
[I later found a better match for this animation but couldn’t be arsed to fix it.]
Kelsey: Alright, you’re the first half-attractive person mostly my age I’ve seen today. Wanna go out?
Leonard: I’m already out! So… yes! Obviously.
[These are the Ask on Date animations from TS2 and TS3. It’s a rare case where the animators for the new game actually made a new animation. That’s usually a bad thing, because the animators for the new game are fucking imbeciles.]
Kelsey: Amiable and clueless. The perfect Romance Sim boyfriend.
[Had to download a custom pose for that one. Not sure why it’s suddenly dark. Let’s say clouds and move on.]
Leonard: I’m a Family Sim.
Kelsey: Meh. I won’t kick you out of bed for wantin’ babies.
[Oh, yes, I did have to make all those background structures.]
[That was a lot of fun.]
“Penny”: Out enjoying the interim between apocalypses, kiddos? Good on ya. Can’t stop livin’ now just because you’ll probably stop livin’ soon!
[If there’s anyone I can justify making for just one pic, it’s Cecilia.]
[After all, William was in the TS1 April Fools’.]
Lyndsey: I’m not going in there.
Kelsey: Aw, come on, this is an old glitch. They probably still have it in The Sims 4.
Lyndsey: There is no such thing as The Sims 4.
Leonard: Hot take!
[I had an establishing shot of the Sheridan Centre exterior, but I couldn’t use it because there were missing background buildings and I basically ran out of time. That’s why I used this pic even though I had to make Samella to do it.]
Kelsey: So yeah, that weird lady we walked past?
Leonard: The vaguely terrifying one?
Kelsey: Yeah! Let’s talk smack about her in public.
[It took me no seconds to replicate the broken windows glitch in TS3, because it makes no improvements to TS2.]
Leonard: How’d it turn out?
Kelsey: Uh… it didn’t.
[There’s a second pic in the TS2 version where she holds the photo up, but I couldn’t use it, because in TS3 it’s just a blank fucking piece of paper. What a fucking piece of shit that game is.]
Kelsey: You might as well take it.
Leonard: You’re giving me a gift?
Kelsey: I’m giving you a garbage.
[Another new animation!]
Leonard: Still more than anyone’s ever given me.
[I was particularly pleased at having to leave the walls down on purpose in TS3 because I left them down accidentally in TS2.]
Leonard: Except death. I’ve been given death before.
Kelsey: Cool beans.
[And yeah I plunked down a bunch of food stalls because the mini-restaurants from TS2 didn’t make the transfer. I think. It’s fucking impossible to find shit in the TS3 catalogue, which seems to have about half as many categories as it logically needs to.]
Jack: Allow me to mince on by, hot stuff.
[Another custom pose, and it’s fucking hilarious.]
Bill: Oh! Hey, boss! What are you doing here?
Neil: Fuck, are you guys doing a chapter? Fuck! Cover me while I jet.
[Neil is just a bald older Nick from later in the chapter. Sort of the opposite of how it actually works.]
Bill: Take this smelly teenager with you. To jail.
Bill: UGLY JAIL
[I don’t know why the fucking mall is so dark. This game’s lighting engine is super buggy.]
Kelsey: Yeah baby, my guts break nuts.
[A good example of why new animations are not better animations.]
Leonard: …not my nuts, though. Please?
[Let me know when you see the best part of the bottom pic.]
Kelsey: I have ultimate crotch control. Don’t worry.
[Those expressions are fucking hideous and there’s no way to fix them. I think it’s cute that lots of people make so much custom content to make realistic Sims for TS3. What a waste of time.]
Leonard: I’m not worried, I’m aroused.
[Again with the lighting engine, now incapable of determining whether hair is in front of or behind a light source.]
Kelsey: How old are you, anyway?
Leonard: Uh… you… first.
Leonard: Uh… yeah! I’m someone who was once eighteen too!
[So, those dance lights are fucking trash in TS3. No comparison.]
Kelsey: You getting abducted over there, Lyn?
[This pic is eerily close.]
[I was pretty pumped to see TS2 on the TV. It made for a good recursive reference.]
Kelsey: I am gonna do some experiments on you, earthling.
[I guess I just couldn’t bear to frame it as badly as the original.]
Kelsey: …space themed arcade? I thought…
Leonard: You didn’t think.
[Can you lose Lifetime Happiness points? Is the indicator still white if you do? I don’t know and I’m not playing more to find out.]
Lyndsey: What army you in?
Bill: I’m a prison guard.
Lyndsey: See and I gave you a chance to lie about it but you were too dumb.
[I was originally gonna port all the relevant wallpapers from TS2 to TS3 but it was SUCH a technological hassle that I decided to go with Create-A-Styled versions of TS3 ones. It was a good decision.]
Lyndsey: Dumb hot!
[Most of these images are actually composites of several source pics on a locked camera. In this case Bill was supposed to be in the same pose in both pics but I liked that stupid fucking face he’s pulling so much that I threw it in.]
Kelsey: All this woofing reminds me what a sexy bitch I am.
[Similarly, I left this in because I want everyone to know how badly the Sims gurn in TS3.]
Kelsey: Hey baby, what’s that on your lips?
[The First Kiss animation is identical between games.]
Leonard: It’s chapstick.
[The clock actually didn’t match, but luckily the fisheye meant the problem was out of frame!]
Kelsey: Let me get that for you.
[The clock still didn’t match so I shamelessly brightened it in the hopes that it would look like the glare from the dance light was obscuring it. I think it worked.]
Leonard: What was that for?
Kelsey: Being a dork.
Leonard: I was specifically trying not to be a dork.
Kelsey: That’s what did it.
[In case you haven’t noticed, Leonard’s hair is the same in both games. Someone converted the TS2 CC to TS3 CC. I found conversions for Penny’s and Andrea’s, too. Well done, those people.]
Lyndsey: Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Bill: It’s just me.
[Man, look at all the ways I try to get around the absence of this one animation.]
Bill: Look woman, I just went through a bad breakup.
Lyndsey: With the parts of your haircut that stopped it from being a mullet?
[I couldn’t put the fire alarm where it goes because TS3 fire alarms mysteriously can’t be raised or lowered. I spent a lot of this process saying “Why? Why? Why?” to my computer.]
Bill: If that was supposed to be flirting I might have missed it.
Lyndsey: I learned all my moves from men.
[Not much of a match, but meh.]
Bill: Well men don’t like it when you treat them like shit.
Lyndsey: …then why they gotta be shit?
[I actually really like my TS3 Lyndsey.]
Lyndsey: Dickheads be crazy.
[Even her expressions don’t look as derpy as everyone else’s.]
Lyndsey: What? WHAT? That line was classic pickup artistry!
[And even when they do, they look cute derpy.]
Bill: I wish the attractive one wasn’t already taken.
[The plumbobs aren’t only fake, they’re wrong. In TS3 two Sims on a date both get revolving heart plumbbobs. That’s a group outing plumbob, and all the group members should also have them. But I’m replicating the TS2 images, not the TS3 gameplay, so.]
So you just gonna loom there like a creepy stalker?
Bill: It’s my core competency.
[Is it just me, or is the floor scatter from the dance light in TS3 just an artifacted version of the one from TS2?]
Leonard: I’m glad you’re in my life, Kelsey.
Kelsey: Aww, Len-Len. It’s my life now.
[These pics were taken in wildly random order. This one was a later addition, when I realized I needed Nerissa for later so I could go back and plunk her down here too.]
Amin: Okay Amin, you got this. Act super natural, not supernatural!
[I was torn between making Amin a genie or a mummy. I made him the Tragic Clown in the TS1 conversion.]
Lyndsey: I’m… not into you.
Amin: OHHHH THAT IS MY EXACT FETISH
[I do think keeping the beard was clever.]
Lyndsey: I think we need to Dead Rising this mall. Anyone know any active zombies?
[Jack is hilarious.]
[This pic has my favourite in-joke in it. Good luck.]
Kelsey: Uh huh Lyn that’s nice.
Leonard: Make mine a double.
[See what I mean about the dance lights?]
Lyndsey: You guys are really goin’ at it, huh?
Kelsey: You’ll understand when you fall in lust.
[I had to get that outfit from the TS3 store. It was the only thing that came close. I wasn’t happy about it.]
Lyndsey: You walk like there’s a stick up your ass.
Leonard: Yeah, well, you were adopted.
[Those houses in the background of the first pic are there in the TS3 version. The dumb fisheye just pushed them out of frame.]
Lyndsey: Disproportionate retribution much?
Nathen: Boner much!
[See? There’s one.]
[Sidewalk pics are seriously murder in TS3 because you can’t pick Sims up from the sidewalk and reposition them. I don’t understand how people use this game for storytelling, it basically swats your hand and goes “NO” every time you try to do anything.]
♪ So ya, thought ya, might like to… go to the show ♪
Leonard: I get mean when I get horny.
Kelsey: I’ll try to stop before you sprout a Hitler ‘stache.
[This animation is actually pretty cute. Not the part I’ve shown here, but the rest of it.]
[Yep, that should be a washroom door. But this isn’t a community lot. And I’m not going back and fixing it.]
♪ To feel the warm thrill of confusion, and space cadet glow ♪
Leonard: Friends don’t let friends become Nazis.
[Even the dance floor isn’t as good.]
♪ Tell me, is something eluding you, sunshine? Is this not what you expected to see? ♪
Snogging the light acceptable.
[The colours are better but the variety is lacking.]
Nick: Helloooooo sister.
[I originally thought this pic wouldn’t work because I didn’t have the building in the background. Later I realized it was the Sheridan Centre. That’s what I get for doing the pics in the wrong order!]
Nick: Hold my virginity, I won’t be needing it.
[It is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to get these people to look at you.]
♪ If you wanna find out what’s behind these cold eyes ♪
Kelsey: You ain’t heavy.
Leonard: Nor am I your brother!
[Those glasses really are from TS3 originally. So that helped.]
♪ YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO CLAW YOUR WAY THROUGH THIS DISGUISE ♪
Nick: Ugh, it smells like at least one other dude in here.
[I wonder if this was the point where the cops started chasing my teens around for being out after curfew. I know it’s a game mechanic but it sure felt like the game was deliberately interfering. It did a lot of that. Deer. Deer everywhere. In my city.]
Nick: Hahaha look at that stupid bitch.
[It felt good when I finally gave up and went “good enough” with Nick’s substitute shirt.]
♪ LIGHTS! ♪
Lyndsey: Which one?
Nick: The one I don’t live with, obviously. The other one would kick my balls up into my teeth.
[The Andrea Sim is actually pretty cute. You can’t tell here.]
[Also this is a terrible image recreation.]
Lyndsey: I like a man who knows where his balls go.
[This one’s pretty good, though! Look how the edge of the half-wall creeps in on both!]
♪ ROLL THE SOUND EFFECTS ♪
Nerissa: Do you know how to work that thing?
Leonard: Very nearly! I’ve discovered at a dozen ways not to work it!
[It is damn difficult to match the animations with this thing without a functioning slowmo cheat.]
♪ ACTION ♪
Myrtle: I’VE FOUND AN UNLUCKY THIRTEENTH
[Also this is the one bug they apparently fixed – people’s faces don’t clip through the bars anymore. Because the game wouldn’t let me move her I had to plonk a second sphere down and clip one of its bars through her head.]
♪ DROP IT! DROP IT ON ‘EM! ♪
Leonard: SCIENCE IS A HARSH MISTRESS
[Leonard’s not wearing his wedding ring throughout. CONTINUITY ERROR]
[…who the fuck is he married to again?]
Myrtle: Skull fractures are harsher.
[As close as I could get it. It was very tricky timing.]
Myrtle: THIS IS LESS FUN THAN IT LOOKS
[The new pics are legitimately a lot more disturbing.]
♪ DROP IT ON ‘EMMMMMMMM ♪
Myrtle: CUT THE CHAPTER CUT THE CHAPTER
[One of the only things that made my job easier in this game is the ability to open Create-A-Sim at any time and edit someone, even if they’re in the middle of doing something. That’s how I applied the face paint to Myrtle.]
[Not enough to make me want to play this fucking dumpster fire, of course, but still.]
Leonard: Thank you for not using your freeze frame of death on me.
I’ve gotten bored with killing you, man.
[Very close! Half a cigar.]
Lyndsey: Hey there, ladykiller.
Nick: I did not just kill that lady.
[That moment when you realize you’re going to do all those fucking hearts.]
Nick: But she is definitely dead.
[I was pleased to see that this animation also hasn’t changed.]
[Less pleasing was trying to find a way to trigger it.]
Myrtle: NO I’M GOOD
[My kingdom for a “look at me” command.]
Myrtle: JUST GOTTA GET MY SECOND WIND
[I bet the stink cloud is the same between games.]
Myrtle: I slump the body electric.
[Those are both nice dresses.]
Myrtle: it’s just a flesh death
Well that’s that dealt with, until ten years from now when TS4 is cheap.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 10 June 2012 and 25 March 2019 to 1 April 2019.