Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which breaks are taken, and given.
You’re gonna want to get used to this place, guys and gals et cetera.
Abigail: Did you just et cetera non-binary people?
Did you just get another treasure chest?
Abigail: You first.
Yes, I guess I did. Alright. Ahem. “You’re gonna want to get used to this place, LGBTTQQIAAPs.”
Abigail: I think that leaves out “straight” people.
The second “a” is for “ally.” Anyone who’s straight and not at least nominally allied, I have no trouble leaving out.
Yes! Good. This chapter started out a little heavy on the liberal soapboxing, let’s mix it up with some Keystone Cops shit.
Leonard: Is there room in that acronym for people who are attracted to spandex?
Let’s pretend that’s what the little “s” at the end was for.
Leonard: Yes. I am spandexual.
Abigail: I mean your question wasn’t really a question, was it? Yes, having had two treasure chests before and having three now, I did indeed acquire another.
Abigail: In fact, my collection is expanding faster than the sexuality acronym!
Arcadia: Damn good hole, this.
Deborah: Can’t you arrest her for, like, blocking a fire route or something?
Nathan: Why, you planning on starting another fire?
Abigail: Gotta keep my Nature hobby up.
Arcadia: You got up.
Abigail: And so I killed her.
Abigail: Arcadia! Come prove I didn’t kill you.
Arcadia: Aw, but I’m rockin’ this right now! As in I just got another rock.
Abigail: Alright! Thank you! You’ve successfully raised enough cash to cover all my research expenses for the next year.
Arcadia: So you’re gonna make me super now?
Abigail: You’re obviously no academic if you’re more excited about results than funding.
What’s the total take, anyway?
Abigail: Ah… §61 138, I think.
Let me do some computing.
Actually that’s about the same price in real-world money, in terms of buying things. It’s just that real estate and construction costs are significantly lower.
Arcadia: So what did I earn in Build Mode terms, then.
Uh… like… seven and a half million dollars.
Arcadia: I’ll take that conversion rate, please!
Abigail: So how strong we talkin’? Golden Age Captain Hero strong? Silver Age MaxisMan strong? What?
Arcadia: However much strong I dug out of your hole, please.
Arcadia: I don’t know why that sentence came out that way.
Abigail: We have clearly spent too much time in the lab.
Abigail: I declare a let-loose day.
Arcadia: First let me chop up these pun generators.
Abigail: Leave it. I like the unkempt look. I’m already messing too much with the mad scientist trope by not working in a decaying castle.
What a cynical deployment of the word “family.”
Arcadia: We seem to have picked up a stray.
Abigail: I do have that tendency.
Abigail: Don’t encourage them, please.
Brooke: I wonder what she meant about strays.
Yeah, me too.
Brooke: I’m naked. Come over.
Nick: Can my friend come over too?
Brooke: What? No. Maybe? No.
Abigail: It is so much easier to write when you’ve got grant money.
Preach it, colleague.
That’s a dead-end street, buddy.
Nick: How is she gonna die? She’s a receptionist.
At a prison.
Myrtle: hahaha what
Have I expressed my pleasure at not having to upload half of these pics to some shady porn site anymore, recently?
Nick: I would like to join you in expressing my pleasure.
Nick: I bonked you.
Myrtle: Bonking in the streets, what’s happening to this neighbourhood.
Brooke: It’s improving.
What could you possibly know about Victoria.
Even her statue is less social than the other statues.
Brooke: She lost Neil Sharpe as her best friend!
That’s one way to look at it.
Myrtle: What’s up, guv?
William: Just droppin’ some flowers.
Myrtle: Gonna come in?
William: God no.
If he’d known he was passing up nudity…
Such fluffy hair.
Myrtle: Bang! If I were a criminal you’d be dead.
Brooke: You’re trespassing.
Nick: So she is a criminal!
Brooke: So I am dead?
Brooke: I don’t feel dead.
Brooke: Okay, this isn’t my bedroom but whatever.
Nick: You’re aware those doors lock, right?
Brooke: Go stand behind a counter, NPC!
Nick: That was racist.
Brooke: It was a heated courting moment.
Brooke: Also NPCs aren’t a race.
Nick: I just wanted to mention racism to set the Maker off.
I think we should use racists for biofuel. Come back at me.
Or sure, come back at each other. That’s probably a better idea.
Brooke: We’re eightfriends now. I think that’s what that means.
Brooke: Hahaha relationships suck.
Brooke: Of course, I suck too.
Nick: Heh, was that an offer?
Nick: I didn’t expect that answer, but I was prepared for it.
Brooke: I like a man who’s prepared!
Brooke: Aw, look at the little guy!
Nick: Hey! You probably just haven’t ever seen a flaccid penis before. They’re usually stuck erect around here.
Brooke: Holy shit! What a magic trick!
Nick: You should see what else it can do.
Brooke: I’m more of a tactile learner.
Brooke: A perfect fit! I’ll take it.
That’s quite the skintone seam you have there.
Nick: So fix it.
Brooke: What are you looking at?
Nick: The church.
Brooke: Feeling religious, are you?
Nick: If what I’m feeling is religion then I’m ready for the second coming.
Brooke: That was fucking ridiculous.
Brooke: Luckily I’m into ridiculous fucking!
Nick: Ooh, look who’s enough of a character to get a decorated bedroom!
Brooke: I just wanted you to see that I’m a real person.
Nick: I love you twice now. I think that’s what that means.
Myrtle: My boss asked me to see if Iris White is still around. She’s been spotted hanging about. And apparently she’s actually his ex-wife?
Kyle: Don’t get plot in my porn!
Kyle: In fact don’t get anything in my anything.
Tiffany: You can put your anything in any of my anythings.
Kyle: It smells like naked strangers in here.
It’s forehead-creasin’ good!
Nick: Are we done here, or something?
Brooke: Hey you know Franklin Murphy?
Nick: In the sense that I know of Murphies in aggregate, sure.
Brooke: He cheated.
Nick: Wait, do I need to know specific details here? Because to me a Murphy is just that spiky haircut and a vaguely-defined whitedudeness.
Brooke: He cheated on Mallory! Or maybe Mallory cheated on him? I dunno I just like gossip.
Brooke: I fucked his dad once, you know.
Nick: Yes, let’s keep the topic squarely focused on fuckin’.
Arcadia: I guess this is my room now?
I was distracted by your lack of genitals.
Man, this is the most quotable story ever written, isn’t it? I think it is.
Arcadia: I’m keeping a tally of every time you snore, so as to exact precisely-measured revenge once I get my superpowers.
Arcadia: Maybe I should ask for the power to stop snoring! I could save so many marriages.
Arcadia: Sorry, did I wake you?
Arcadia: How about now?
That doesn’t cover your non-genitals.
You know what, never mind.
That was stupid thing to say.
So you’re wearing Sunny’s old pajamas.
Arcadia: Buy me new clothes, if it’s a problem!
Ugh… load a community lot…
Arcadia: I’ll ask Abigail to give me a distinctive look as part of my superpowers, how’s that.
Nick: Hold still, there’s a bug on your back.
Brooke: Alright, put your thing in my invisible thing.
Brooke: Thaaaaat’s it, boy, edge in closer.
Ugh, this animation again?
Brooke: Make your own, if you’re so good.
Six years from now.
Brooke: I hope I’m alive to see that.
I hope I am too.
I hope anyone is.
Nick: Get your apocalyptic nonsense out of my bonking, dude.
Brooke: That is one hell of a penis.
Nick: I call him Thrustmaster.
Brooke: Captain Thrustmaster?
Nick: He’s not a member of the military, no.
Brooke: There’s a purple black hole forming over your head. A purple hole?
Nick: If it was a pink hole I could loan it to you.
Brooke: Oh, I’ve got one pink hole already. Want me to show you what it can do?
Brooke: If you’re gonna hoverhand my head I’ll hoverhand your dick.
Victor: I bought you guys a monster! Take good care of it.
Victor: Or it will take good care of you.
Victor: That’s all I’ve got. Cut away already!
OH SORRY MR. POLICEMAN
IS MY SURVEILLANCE BOTHERING YOU
Victor: Quick, spray him and I’ll make my escape!
Brooke: Seriously dude, my hair is clean.
Nick: How can I believe that, with what your mouth is doing?
Brooke: Fair point.
Nick: Hey, thanks for the dick-breath.
Nick: Not again, I have a headache. Now.
Brooke: Nick, I’ve had a really good time tonight.
Nick: Are you about to ruin it?
Nick: Oh god don’t barf DON’T BARF
Nick: ONE DATE, Brooke!
Brooke: NINE-INCH PENIS, Nick!
Nick: I’m gonna cheat on you a bunch.
Brooke: Well of course.
Nick: Yeah, let’s not kiss right now.
We’re at the point where I occasionally took full-resolution pics with a printscreen utility.
Whenever possible I slip them in here in place of the original TS2 captures.
I wonder if you can tell which is which.
And if I’ve told you this already.
I’d look it up, but it already took FOREVER to find where I named Nick’s PENIS.
Nick: OH GOD DON’T BARF
Nick: I’M SORRY ABOUT THE HOVERHANDS OKAY
Brooke: Why is that red?
Nick: Uh, would you believe it’s because I’m a dude?
Brooke: I find that very hard to believe.
Nick: Would you believe STDs?
Brooke: I would believe, but I would hope otherwise.
♪ I know my part, you were there in everything I’ve done ♪
♪ You are the one ♪
Abigail: I know, but it’s good to hear it from time to time.
Nick: Ugh, you guys have morning here too?!
Kyle: I’ll ask mom if she can do anything about it.
Kyle: So this thing is ours now?
Abigail: Well, I’ve crunched the numbers.
Abigail: That or I’ll kill her horribly.
Either way sounds interesting. Go for it.
Abigail: It’ll be a learning experience. That I can guarantee.
Your near-total failure to pass those eyes on is something I still hold against you.
Abigail: Blame Stephen. Boring genetics know they have to be persistent to get passed on.
Nick: Hahaha sports.
Kyle: Hahaha art.
I seem to recall you once wanted to become a world-class ballerina.
Kyle: Oh god don’t tell anyone that.
Abigail: Every time I run my simulations, I end up with data fields I don’t know how to fill.
Okay. I’m already lost, but okay.
Abigail: What precisely is a backface?
Abigail: I’ll just put random numbers in and hope she doesn’t explode.
Brooke: Your art appreciation is not currently appreciated.
Nick: Hahaha! You put your butt on that bus.
^ Best-composed image in three hundred and fifty chapters ^
Brooke: Wave goodbye, old shame!
Nick: Here’s to the next three hundred and fifty!
I’ll try to find some new shame to fill them with.
Brooke: Can you tell me what’s in this box?
Nick: Hmm. Nope!
I’d ask you what you were doing down there, but since nobody’s lips are moving, I won’t.
Brooke: Do NOT Cthulhu-kiss me!
Brooke: It’s weird.
It only took me tens of thousands of images to learn how to frame one.
Abigail: Learning is a process.
I mean you want to learn more rigorously when you’re, say, planning to alter the strength of someone’s molecular bonds. Right?
Abigail: Sure! Whatever.
Nick: Hahaha that chick is so dead.
Next time: that! Perhaps.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 30 May 2012.