Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which oh Christ these people still?
Nick: When a superhero is in her sixties she doesn’t need you to wear a condom, right?
FRIDAY: Who are you? Go away.
Penny: Either the walls are down or we’re about to be backfilled to death.
Andrew: It was fun to imagine.
Penny: So liberating.
Andrew: Wow, base game sex!
Penny: Quaint, right?
I thought she was leaving.
Nathaniel: Shut your filthy god mouth.
Angelica: Okay, so. What we did was a mistake.
Angelica: So let’s repeat it.
Angelica: But maybe not in there, somehow I doubt my brother would be impressed.
Emerson: I don’t know what you’re doing but I doubt I’ll approve of it.
Emerson: Oh thank god for narcolepsy.
I wonder if I lined that balloon up intentionally.
I hope not, since it’s lined up so poorly.
You’re acting weird.
Penny: Weird how?
You’re usually pretty mild, but you haven’t even had facial expressions since you came home from work.
Penny: Thanks for the advice. I’ll try extra hard to be more like myself from now on.
Penny: Based entirely on the observations others have made about what they think I’m like.
Nick: So if nobody’s gonna kick me out I might as well nick some stuff.
Your name was not intended as a suggestion.
Emerson: Is it safe to-
I’m only leaving this here so you’ll know I don’t even edit out the most regretful things that happen.
Penny: Ugh, the robots are walking around all night unattended? That’s creepy and wrong.
Penny: Creepy and wrong and gross.
FRIDAY: You’re putting turkey… in the bathroom.
FRIDAY: That is so sexy.
Something needs to be.
You two are adults. I should have sent you to jail for this.
Penny: We should burn this house down.
No, you should bomb this house.
And make sure the fucking robots are inside first.
Ew, don’t get young person all over that classic car…
Brooke: I’ve had a really nice time tonight, Nathaniel.
Nathaniel: Did you have to bring the chaperone, though?
Brooke: …I thought you brought him.
Nathaniel: …call 911.
Nick: TOO SOON.
Oliver: I’m glad he didn’t wake up.
If he had, I would have fucking killed you both.
Nick: Wow! Two whole tons of sex!
WEDNESDAY: Car sex temporarily negates the car’s weight.
Nick: Wow, thanks Car Sex Science Robot!
Nick: Eww they’re naked.
Nick: Angelica better not have been banging that ginger.
You’re a ginger.
Nick: That’s how I know how awful they are!
Nick: Wait, wait. Isn’t that dude…?
Angelica: IF YOU’RE THINKING WE DID SOMETHING GROSS WE DIDN’T
Angelica: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU’D THINK IT
Don’t look at me. I told you not to be disgusting.
Oliver: Clearly this is all just a misunderstanding.
Nick: Yeah, you mistook me for someone who’s not homicidal.
Angelica: Goodnight, uncle Oliver! It was so nice of you to drop by and help me with my homework.
Brooke: HE WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP ME WITH MY HOMEWORK!
Nick: Apparently all I have to do is be near people and their relationships self-destruct.
I’d tell you to use your power for good, but I don’t really see how.
Nick: Yeah, I wouldn’t be into that anyway.
Three chapters of teens slapping each other.
Not as awesome as it sounds like it should be.
Nick: This is too much cheating, even for Sharpesvale. I’m out.
Angelica: Your dick is spontaneously exposed.
Oliver: Yeah, well, what you gonna do.
ANYTHING BUT THAT.
Except for that other thing you did.
Meanwhile Bethany and Wendell are busy not being disgusting.
OH MY FUCKING
VAGRANTS ALL OF YOU
…okay, what was wrong with the picture on the wall?
I wish I could ask my past self questions.
And maybe give instructions.
Tips for avoiding the Social Worker: put your toddlers in rooms that aren’t even connected to the rest of the house.
It’s a lovely child dungeon.
Pass the designs on to ICE.
(For those of you reading this after the revolution, ICE was one of the reasons we had to kill all the rich people and eat them.)
FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY
Okay, from now on you’re all shipped off to university the moment you’re eighteen.
That should cut down on all this short people sex.
What is with your family and the dickage?
Brooke: Don’t knock the dickage ’til you try the dickage!
Nathaniel: Please just don’t knock the dickage at all.
Meanwhile Dirk chokes to death in the oubliette.
I’d like to know whose idea it was to have Sims look like this from age fifteen to age twenty-nine.
Nathaniel: Please don’t tell me we have the bodies of fifteen-year-olds.
You have the bodies of eighteen-year-olds, with the height of fifteen-year-olds.
Because decisions had to be made, and apparently they had to be made badly.
Brooke: I’m all about the bad decisions, me.
Andrew: Hey, this thing’s still alive!
WEDNESDAY: Could you not look so gormless in front of my carpool?
If Oliver leaves one of those, we’re going to call it “Exhibit A.”
Andrew: This hat is so I learn as much as possible from watching you shit.
Andrew: It’s a whole thing apparently.
Bethany: What’s this gross thing doing in my room?
And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is the proper response to family members.
Angelica: I feel like you’re picking on me.
I feel like you’re horrible.
Franklin: Morning, cheater.
Mallory: Seriously, dude.
Franklin: I actually said something much worse but he edited it.
Mallory: Hey little man!
Emerson: Hey stupid hair!
Franklin: Hey Penny!
Penny: That’s my name, don’t wear my patience!
Andrew: I like the new and imprude Penny.
Emerson: Hi Uncle Franklin!
Franklin: I feel like I should have to agree to becoming an uncle.
Penny: Yes, feed yourself! Good! I like low-maintenance family.
Penny: Oh, hey, it’s the ugly one!
Nathaniel: Well we can’t all be scratch-designed in Body Shop…
Angelica: Why are you eating that bathroom turkey?
Emerson: WEDNESDAY told me it was probiotic.
Angelica: What do you think of dad’s new wife?
Emerson: I think she let me get food poisoning, for starters.
Penny: Dude, don’t talk to me. You’re clearly too boring to ever become important.
Nathaniel: I’ll have you know that in our society, inherited advantages trump talent and effort any day!
Yeah, and “trump” is a good choice of words, too.
Penny: You got me there.
Penny: I’ll get you elsewhere.
No. New rule: families must be gender-segregated.
Bethany: Yeah, I didn’t want to touch him anyway.
Penny: Let’s pretend this dartboard is that pink chick’s face.
Emerson: Should I go to the doctor or something?
Nah, let’s just see if you die.
You derpy little fuck.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT.
Franklin: …I’m thinking about how proud I am that my niece is growing up to be such a good role model?
OH I BET YOU ARE
Andrew: What the shit are you guys talking about.
Yeah, I know the cat’s name is Muse.
I was making a running joke before.
Bethany: Why you got to be such a dude?
Wendell: I was born that way!
Bethany: So improve already!
This always ends well.
Yep. Called it.
That was just my camera flash.
If you fuckers keep shutting your mouths I’m gonna stop writing dialogue for you.
Bill Murray paid for it.
Good, quick Google search confirms that the joke is easily looked-up if necessary.
I give you guys a lot of shit, but you’re among the few residents of this house to not piss me off in the past three chapters.
…okay, so it’s basically just Andrew now.
Okay COME the FUCK, ON.
Can we drop the bottleneck detection algorithm already?
Mallory: I WANT TO START A FIGHT IN THIS CONFINED SPACE
Mallory: ABOUT SOMETHING THAT MAKES NO SENSE, EVEN
Yeah, I agree, man. Fuck that shit.
I mean, I think you’re safe now… no need to be in such a rush.
…is that smoke?
I TOLD YOU NOT TO FIX THE SHOWER
Angelica: …my stomach just got fat.
WEDNESDAY: WELL IT’S NOT ENOUGH SPACE FOR ME TO MAKE DINNER ON
It suits you.
You are now my designated “fat” Sim.
And by “fat” I mean “normal.”
Angelica: Aha! I’m norm-
IN WEIGHT ALONE
Oh good, she got her job back.
Whatever it was.
Yeah, well maybe I’m a little mad at you, too.
Mallory: Have you been to Centreborough? It’s awesome!
Penny: Yeah, well, I’m a cop. I work there.
Mallory: Wow, that must be dangerous! All those game crashes.
Penny: Game crashing is a serious urban problem, yeah.
I believe in banning video games, but only for Sims.
Next time: brief, and mostly Murphy-free. What more could you ask for, really.