Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
More courtly romance for you legal eagles.
I call this chapter “Courting Disaster.”
Emmy: Ew. What have I got on my hand?
Alvin: That’s some impressive grip you have!
Looks more like levitation to me.
Emmy: I don’t like this thing.
Thrusting a man through the sidewalk is a major turn-on.
Annie: This is why we should be issued guns.
Karina Arden: Yeah, there’s nothing quite as dangerous as random townies looking for somewhere to sit.
Stewart: Hey Alvin!
What a fabulous fitness ad this would make.
Stewart: Wow! I dislike you already.
Corey: It’s for the best.
Andrzej: Concierge! Where the VIP seating is at?!
Noah Cold: Make that mic screech. Just once. I fucking dare you.
Annie: Please remain seated for the honourable Judge Noah Cold, presiding. Wallawollock State v. Rosemarie Landchild, charge of vehicular hilarity, two counts.
Noah: I hate hilarity.
Noah: So. Did or didn’t?
Noah: I don’t like what you’re wearing. You’re probably guilty.
Karina: Well that’s a promising start.
Noah: Alright, let’s get this show trial on the road.
Kelly: Kelly Chun, District Attorney. Rosemarie Landchild, district MENACE.
Kelly: I intend to show that her negligence caused the wrongful deaths of one Leonard Bay Murphy, local hippie, and one Elizabeth Ng, foreign hippie-lover.
Kelly: It would be funny if it wasn’t so illegal! And, you know, deadly.
Kelly: Just because we don’t care that they died, doesn’t mean the law doesn’t have to avenge them.
Kelly: I accept this invitation to become an Avenger.
Kelly: I don’t have a superhero costume, but that’s fine. I cover myself in the glorious trappings of THE LAW.
William: Oh jeez.
Rosemarie: Surely that’s something she can be tried for.
Kelly: If the charge of Simicide seems a bit steep, just remember: this chick ran over a foreigner! That’s practically treason.
Kelly: I submit that Rosemarie Landchild is unsafe at any wheel.
Rosemarie: How many riffs on that phrase are we gonna do?
Stephen: WE DON’T COUNT JOKES HERE
Noah: Everybody but the lawyer, shut up.
Noah: Actually, no, everybody shut up period.
Kelly: Cool, I’m done anyway. And so is she.
Kelly: ‘cuz I done owned her.
Rosemarie: Lady, I’m a prostitute. You can’t own me, you can only rent.
Kelly: You got me on that one.
Karina: Your honour, it’s obvious that the District Attorney has never driven a car before. You’re just driving along and then BAM a new lot loads! And maybe somebody’s standing in the middle of the road, blowing bubbles or whatever, and DOUBLE BAM! You’re through them before the anti-aliasing even kicks in!
Karina: As long as we’ve had cars, we’ve had car crashes. Same thing goes for computers; same thing goes for stock markets.
Karina: Just because we’ve been lucky here doesn’t mean this kind of thing is rare! Face the facts people: crashes happen all the time!
All. The fucking. Time.
Emmy: You’re all late.
Andrzej: In your country it is common for game to crash? Your country needs computer upgrade.
Noah: One of those steps is trapped.
Stewart: SCIA: SimCentral Intelligence Angels.
Andrzej: In your country plastics are recycled? In my country they are made into huts for the women to do their sleepings in.
Corey: NOBODY CARES
Andrzej: Yes! This is true! About the women in my country.
Annie: I CAN’T SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING
Luckily in this country, women aren’t equal either.
They’re superior. As they should be.
William: Sexists are just men with poor taste.
Noah: Don’t make me tell you twice.
Kelly: Tell me what twice?
Annie: Please remain seated for the honourable Judge Noah Cold, presiding. Wallawollock State v. Rosemarie Landchild, charge of vehicular Simicide, two counts.
Noah: Uuuuuuuugh write a book why don’t you.
Noah: GUILTY YES/NO?
Stewart: I bet we could bribe this guy.
Noah: You COULD have, but now there’s a RECORD.
Noah: Speaking of a record, let’s give this young lady one.
Kelly: Yes! Let’s.
Kelly: The right of a Sim to stand in the road like an idiot is an important part of our traditional culture of stupidity.
Kelly: I once knew a guy who got hit with a car. Him and his son. SPLAT! It was pretty horrific. Pictures on my blog.
Kelly: Car-related deaths are a rising problem in this county, and we can’t blame it ENTIRELY on the Maker being incredibly cruel.
Kelly: It’s really all because lazy freaks like Rosemarie Landchild can’t be bothered to signal or watch where they’re going between loading zones.
I’ve seen the Chronicles chapter! She doesn’t look all that upset to me, folks!
Kelly: The Sim body isn’t designed to stop two tons of screaming metal. At least, not more than once.
Kelly: I think we should charge Rosemarie here with a second crime: having the nerve to suggest that she didn’t kill the people she ran over with her car.
Kelly: ‘cuz I mean come on.
Kelly: If we legalize running people over, pretty soon we’ll legalize zombies and axe murderers and swordfights, and then what? We have an interesting story! And people start reading the Chronicles! TO SEE US ALL DIE.
Kelly: What the readers want is bad for us!
Noah: Cool, you’re done. Other chick!
Karina: “Other chick”?!
Compared to Kelly? Uh, yeah.
Karina: Rosemarie Landchild’s car appeared on the lot past her alleged victims, your honour. The fault was not hers; it was the loading zone’s!
Jack: Hey folks, just testing security. Nothing to worry about.
Jack: Man, is it smokin’ in here or what?
Jack: I hope they can take the heat.
Karina: Okay, cool, I guess.
Andrzej: In your country women need permits to speak in public too, yes?
Karina: He left the door open.
Just keep going.
Karina: HE LEFT THE FUCKING DOOR OPEN
FINISH YOUR OPENING
Karina: Fine whatever. Rosemarie didn’t kill anybody, cars killed anybody.
Karina: That came out wrong.
Karina: I don’t actually have anything left to say.
Karina: But at least the door finally closed!
Jack: Guess again!
Theresa: How much is ENTROPY paying you?
Jack: Not nearly enou-… FUCK.
Kelly: WHAT SHIT IS THIS
Theresa: Secret agent duels are not shit. Compared to secret agent duels, you are shit!
Theresa: We are the shit.
Noah: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY RODEO?
It looks like they’re shaving each other.
Rosemarie: Should the rest of us be doing something?
Kelly: This wasn’t covered in law school.
Jack: AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaat least I don’t masturbate with that hand.
Theresa: I’m gonna masturbate with that hand! Once I cut it off!
Jack: Dammit stop fighting not like a girl!
Theresa: And the feminist handily defeats the alt-right loony!
Theresa: I take back anything mean I ever said about sword fights.
Jack: I am dissatisfied with them right now.
Kelly: Burn in hell, men’s rights activist!
Jack: You… first.
Jack: Also WTF, “men’s rights activist”? I’m just an evil secret agent. I’m not a monster.
Theresa: Hey Grimsby! My compliments.
Jack: Save… your compliments… for the finale.
William: Is anybody else’s sense of dramatic tension going off right now?
Corey: It’s all clear, Chief! Theresa cut the bastard down!
Theresa: Yeah, I bet he WAS a bastard! And I bet he was adopted too.
William: He is making noises, and they are not gurgles and splurts.
William: HE’S TICKING
William: Everybody out.
William: EVERYBODY OUT! SCIA AGENTS, EVACUATE THE COURTHOUSE
William: DROP YOUR COCKS AND GRAB YOUR SOCKS
Theresa: Ooh, military jargon!
William: HE’S A BOMB
William: LEAVE THE BOMB SITE
William: REACT for fuck’s sake!
William: Don’t saunter, run!
Rosemarie: My Active/Lazy is too low, sorry.
Joe: I will fight you for his soul.
Noah: I don’t get up for fire alarms. I don’t see how this is any different.
William: WHY ARE ANY OF YOU STILL INSIDE
Victor: He can’t be a bomb. That doesn’t make any sense.
Joe: Does standing next to something that’s supposed to be a bomb make sense?
Victor: Hm. Point.
William: Please tell me they’re following…
Corey: Surely we would have known if he had a bomb on him.
Victor: Between the two of us, definitely.
Corey: But you’re still leaving?
Victor: There’s a distinction between “definitely” and “I’d stake my life on it.”
Noah: This is a bigger waste of time than the trial was.
Rosemarie: Everybody out?
William: FUCKING FOOLS
Dagmar: Everybody calm down. I’m sure it’s just a drill.
Annie: HE WAS A BOMB!
Karina: WHO KNEW?!
Cameron: Are they watching a movie in the other room?
Secret Attic Chef: Hey y’all, what’s up? Takin’ a breather? Cool.
Rosemarie: I’m sure they all got out the other door. Right?
Annie: Deep breath! BLOOOOOSH! Deep breath! BLOOOOOOOOOOSH!
Andrzej: I WANT SOME FIRE
Noah: Aw, what?! Carpet is flammable?!
William: They’re all gonna die.
Karina: IF ONLY THERE WAS AN EXIT NEARBY
ANNIE: I KNOW RIGHT
Victor: It’s fine. We’re fine! Everybody probably got out the other door.
Brooke: There’s an arm coming out the window.
Victor: Shut up Brooke, you’re old, nobody cares.
William: For FUCK’S SAKE STAND BACK
Andrzej: In my country, fire makes us diagonal.
Corey: CAN’T THEY SEE MY HAND?
Noah: Quick! End the chapter!
William: YES OPERATOR I’M SURE I’M THE GOVERNOR JUST SEND THE FUCKING TRUCKS!
Theresa: I’LL NEVER SWORDFIGHT AGAIN I PROMISE
Corey: It’s not so bad, see? It’s not too hot unless you OW OW OW
Joe: I hear screaming.
Victor: Tell your psychiatrist.
William: YES WAKE THEM UP! NO I DON’T THINK IT’LL GO OUT ON ITS OWN!
Rosemarie: Gaahhhhh! It’s too late, William! It’s too hot in there for anybody to survive!
William: Like FUCK it is.
Next time: I’m not telling.
Hmm, in fact, this might be a good time for me to take a break!