Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
I call this storyline “Trying Times.”
I’m very clever.
If you haven’t already, read Chapter 235 to figure out what’s going on here.
Court is in da house!
Specifically da courthouse.
‘cuz, I mean, where else.
German Gatewood: Good morning ladies! And I do mean ladies!
Annie: What else could you have meant?
German: Oh ho ho! Playing hard-to-get!
Romeo: What if, like, our hands aren’t really real?!
Surprise! Michael’s a judge.
Michael: If you’d been keeping track of my promotions-
-I’d be very bored, yes, you’re right!
Annie: Please remain seated for the honourable Judge Michael M. Whittaker, presiding! Wallawallock State v. Elle Wilson, charge of premeditated murder.
Michael: Geez, dramatic seating much?
Michael: Okay, well, hello down there! Opening statements! Please speak up.
Kelly: Kelly Chun, prosecuting attorney. The state will show that Elle Wilson, a cow of low character, did in the year 60 Anno Pine Valium strike and murder university student Deirdre Mace with a pillow.
Kelly: Yes, that sounds stupid. A pillow? But personally, I wouldn’t want to be murdered with anything.
Kelly: But wait! Ms. Wilson has drawn, for her defense attorney, the inestimable German Sausage Gatewood, lawyer and sausage-seller extraordinaire! I’m sure his counter-case will be totally sensible and not at all a crock of, if you’ll pardon me, your honour, shit.
Kelly: I’m on pins and needles here, German. I know you won’t let me down.
BUMP BUMP BUMP SCREECH
German: Is this thing on?
BUMP BUMP BUMP SCREECH
BUMP BUMP BUMP SCREECH
German: I can’t tell if this thing is on!
German: Oh shit I broke it.
German: Okay, yeah, hi. I’m German Gatewood. Try my sausages! And also my client is innocent.
German: Someone tell this bitch to sit down?
German: Anyway right, the cow. Kelly’s going to parade lots of fancy evidence and testimony in front of you, trying to sway your precious personal beliefs. I’ve seen it before, it’s like some sick game with her.
German: I say we put all this behind us and go for a barbecue. I’ve got enough sausages for everyone in my pockets. Case dismissed!
Michael: Case NOT dismissed! Asshole.
Michael: We probably should have done this first, but hey, I’m new, gimme a break. Ms. Wilson, how do you plead?
Elle: Whatever? That chick was stupid, and she died stupid.
Michael: Alright, we’ll call that a not-guilty plea. Ms. Chun, you may call your first witness.
German: Aha! Favouritism! I call for a mistrial.
Kelly: Shut up, German. The state calls Abigail H. Young to the stand.
Annie: She teleported in while you were talking.
Kelly: Ms. Young, what’s your relationship to the accused?
Abigail: I disintegrated her with a fly gun.
Kelly: And why did you do that?
Elle: ‘cuz she wasn’t fly enough to defeat me in unarmed combat! ZING!
Abigail: Because she murdered a person in cold blood by smashing her head into a bookcase. With a pillow.
Abigail: And then immediately hit me. With her murder pillow.
Abigail: For some reason it seemed pretty clear-cut at that point.
Abigail: So I killed her with science.
Abigail: I’m not expecting a medal, but I wouldn’t refuse one either.
Kelly: Thank you Ms. Young. You’ve been very helpful.
Abigail: I have, haven’t I.
Kelly: Don’t push it, lady. You’re up, Germ.
Kelly: That’s you. You are Germ. Because you are a germ.
German: Whatever, this is stupid. The cow is obviously guilty.
German: THE TWO OF YOU WERE WORKING TOGETHER! SECRETLY PLOTTING TO MURDER THE PRESIDENT!
Elle: DUDE HOW IS THIS HELPING
Michael: Yeah dude, really not sure where you’re going with this.
German: I say we execute them both, and go back to my place for some-
Abigail: NOBODY WANTS YOUR STINKY SAUSAGES
German: Somebody might.
Abigail: …can I go now?
Michael: I’m gonna guess yeah.
Romeo: You’re hot!
Abigail: I am, aren’t I.
Kelly: The state calls Celeste Mazza to the stand.
Kelly: Miss Mazza, what is your profession?
Celeste: I’m dressed as a cafeteria worker, so. I’M PROBABLY A PROFESSIONAL COSPLAYER.
Kelly: Alright alright, no need to get your ugly in a bunch. What’s your relationship with the accused?
Celeste: I worked the cafeteria in North Residence at MNU.
Kelly: That would be Mount Noble University?
Celeste: No, it’s My Nana’s Underwear! OF COURSE it’s Mount Noble University.
Celeste: Anyway the stupid cow kept throwing water balloons at me and setting off the sprinkler system. Clearly a water bug.
Celeste: That’s like a fire bug, but with water.
Celeste: I made that up just now.
Celeste: I think you should kill the cow.
Kelly: Tell me, Ms. Mazza – how stupid would you say the defense attorney looks in that suit?
Celeste: SO stupid.
Michael: Nice. Real nice.
Kelly: Nothing further, your honour.
Michael: Mr. Gatewood, the witness is yours. But not literally.
Michael: As in, don’t take her anywhere.
German: Then I don’t wanna play with her at all. I don’t wanna get attached.
Elle: ARE YOU EVEN A REAL LAWYER
Kelly: The state calls Herbert H. Brantley to the stand. Which is convenient, since he’s already standing. All the good seats go early, bud.
Michael: Can we please restrict ourselves to just legal terminology?
Michael: Also hey cafeteria lady, you’ve been dismissed, take off already.
Celeste: You didn’t say the fucking words, assholes.
Herb: I’m scared of that lady. Do I really have to walk past her?
Kelly: Don’t be silly. You can’t read.
Kelly: Alright, what did I want this dude and his stupid hair for again?
Herb: Hopefully not any favours.
Kelly: Oh yeah, right! You’re the chew toy. Explain my metaphor!
Herb: I guess the stupid cow beat me up a bunch.
Kelly: Masterfully delivered! You should be a drama major.
Herb: Yeah, fuck you too lady.
Herb: But seriously, I fucking hate that cow.
Herb: And I think that pillow has rocks in it or something.
Herb: Like her head.
Kelly: Good closer! I’m done with you.
Kelly: Hey there handsome!
Michael: MR. GATEWOOD YOUR TURN
German: You can go.
German: WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?!
Herb: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Michael: That’s beyond the scope of this trial.
Herb: Aren’t you gonna ask me anything?!
German: Uh… okay… um… isn’t it true that the cow was actually you, in a cow suit, and you just get off on hitting yourself?!
German: A simple “no” will suffice!
German: I got no use for this asshole.
Herb: Kick his ass.
Kelly: Easy peasy!
Kelly: The state calls Leonora Griffiths to the stand!
Herb: She can come to my stand any time.
Kelly: Sure, she’s cute, but I’m cuter.
Annie: I don’t think you are, actually.
Elle: I think you’re both ugly.
Leonora: So, is it my turn to tell a sad cow story?
Leonora: She water ballooned me in the middle of the road.
Leonora: Why is there even a trial?
Leonora: Fry her beef.
Leonora: I’m serious, get on with it!
Leonora: She beat up half the neighbourhood with that feathered flail of hers!
Leonora: And anyone who could attack such a charming beauty as myself has got something wrong going on!
Leonora: I am much prettier than you.
Elle: You’re both fugs.
Michael: Your witness, Mr. Gatewood. Metaphorically speaking.
German: Witness this!
German: Pretty neat, huh?
Leonora: For reals?
Michael: Mr. Gatewood, could you please… just…
Michael: You know what, I don’t think you can.
German: At your service, m’lady.
Elle: You’re really killing it out there, Germy! And by it I mean ME.
Kelly: Romeo Kee, Romeo Kee, wherefore art thou Romeo Kee? The state calls you to the stand.
Leonora: You smell like hoof and ass disease.
Romeo: Oh my gosh, is this a meet-cute?!
Leonora: Not when only one of us is cute it’s not!
Elle: Smooth moves, Ex-Lax!
Romeo: She’s into me.
Michael: MOVING RIGHT ALONG
Romeo: It’s not my fault. Young Adults don’t have a very brisk walk.
Romeo: Hey baby, how’s it goin’?
German: I don’t wanna play this game no more.
Kelly: Mr. Kee, what did you see on the afternoon when this stupid cow went to pasture?
Romeo: Haha! I don’t get it.
Kelly: When the cow died, stupid. What did you see?
Romeo: Oh! I saw the cow die.
Romeo: That other lady blew carnivorous flies onto her.
Romeo: Where do you even get carnivorous flies?!
…aren’t those just normal flies?
Romeo: Anyway I’m glad she did it because I think that cow was gonna kill us all.
Romeo: She killed that other chick even though nobody even knew her name.
Kelly: Your honour, the prosecution rests easy.
Michael: Mr. Gatewood?
German: I’m not talking to you guys.
Elle: Oh, I’m calling you to the bar, son!
Elle: So I can beat you with it!
German: Why is this happening in slow motion?
German: Why is this happening at all?
Michael: …I think you’re dismissed, Mr. Kee.
Michael: Seriously Annie?
Annie: I’m afraid of interpersonal conflict.
German: GONNA MAKE YOU INTO SAUSAGES BITCH
Elle: GONNA KILL YOU LIKE I KILLED THAT BOOKSHELF GIRL
German: REQUEST THAT COMMENT BE STRUCK FROM THE RECORD
Michael: Denied. Denied. I’m denying all of this.
Romeo: I want you both to lose!
No matter who loses, German loses.
German: Well! That was unexpected! And unearned.
German: What were we doing again?
German: Oh! Wait. Wait. Wait.
Elle: Can I take his job? Can you send him to jail instead?
Kelly: And the winner, by a knockout: Kelly Chun!
Michael: Court will recess for five minutes while I deliberate. Please nobody fight while I’m gone.
Michael: What the serious FUCK.
Michael: I’m really worried about what kind of precedents we just set.
Michael: Alright, that was easy.
Theresa: You were only gone for like a minute.
Michael: Yep, barely needed to sit down.
Michael: Elle Wilson, this court finds you guilty of the premeditated murder of Deirdre Mace, and possibly German Gatewood although we’re not sure yet and we’re not sure we care.
Michael: Beating the shit out of your lawyer would normally not be considered a wise courtroom move.
Michael: But then again, were he still conscious, he’d probably be actively trying to get me to sentence you to death.
Kelly: HAHAHA he totally WOULD
Michael: I’m ashamed of everyone in this room except for me.
Michael: I want this cow on the streets less than I want German’s sausages there.
Michael: I sentence you to life in prison without that fucking cow suit.
Michael: Now fuck off.
Elle: That went well, all things considered.
Annie: March, moo moo!
Elle: Hey, have a cow, woman!
Elle: Because I am a cow woman. Get it?
Next time: did the butler do it?
He probably did.