Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!
Maybe I ought to have put quotation marks around “Phelps” too.
“Cecilia”: You’d be wasting your time.
“Cecilia”: I’m going to do something very stupid today.
As opposed to?
“Cecilia”: No, this is a special kind of stupid. It’s on a whole other level. Hey, show them my ENTROPY file again.
This had better be the last time:
Fun for the whole family.
“Cecilia”: Hey Governor Billy. Come over and press my flesh.
William: Turn into your son for a second.
Nick: Is what I would say if I were a fish.
William: Like the new suit? I think it’s slimming.
“Cecilia”: Hey, it is! FUCK YOU.
William: Why are you doing that?
“Cecilia”: I’m subconsciously trying to retreat into myself.
William: I told you, I don’t wanna roleplay incest.
William: YES LET’S DO THIS IN PUBLIC NOW
William: First my robot has sex with me behing my back, and now my fake sister is trying to get my governorship revoked!
Sim people problems.
William: This isn’t as adorable as you think it is.
William: In case of emergency, break glass and STAB CREEPY PREGNANT LADY WITH SHARDS
Nick: No, seriously! Governor! Yeah! And he doesn’t even know how stairs work.
William: Okay, what’s so urgent that it couldn’t wait until I found out if I have a secretary or not?
“Cecilia”: Oh, nothing much. I just thought you might want to know who I really am, is all. But you can go bang your hopefully real secretary instead if you like.
“Cecilia”: …I was gonna dramatically change into my old clothes.
William: I assume they weren’t size “fattycakes.”
“Cecilia”: Okay, time for escalating guess material.
William: Or you could just tell me.
“Cecilia”: I SAW LACI PHELPS DIE
“Cecilia”: Wow, things escalate quickly around you.
“Cecilia”: I was killed by your half-sister.
William: That is a picture of Daisy.
“Cecilia”: Probably neighbourhood file corruption or something.
“Cecilia”: Okay, um… I saw your dad dump Laci.
William: EVERYBODY did. They did it on the FRONT LAWN.
“Cecilia”: …it might have been… because of… me…?
William: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO UPLOADED THAT “SPARE CHANGE” 9-11 VIDEO?! They fought over that until they couldn’t even look at each other anymore!
William: Please tell me that’s it.
“Cecilia”: Okay. Um. I’m as old as… Abigail Young.
William: Who cheated on me once.
“Cecilia”: FOCUS DAMMIT
I’m not finding a link for that.
“Cecilia”: I did not axe them myself.
William: WE’VE ESTABLISHED THAT YOU’RE NOT CECILIA GET ON WITH IT
“Cecilia”: Laci… lost… a fight with me.
William: It may surprise you to learn this, but I know very little about what my stepmother was doing while I was off bangin’ college.
William: Oh god, you’re not one of those college chicks, are you? I’m sorry I never called you back, but I never call anyone back.
“Cecilia”: No. William. I’m one of the townies from Generation One.
William: And you got killed by a zombie! And then I shot you.
“Cecilia”: No! This was before zombies!
William: There was nothing before zombies!
“Cecilia”: There was a serial killer…
William: Okay, what. You’re Cecilia’s clone then, are you?
“Cecilia”: WHY THE FUCK WON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS
YEAH! I’M SICK OF TYPING THOSE QUOTATION MARKS!
William: Well maybe if you’d just supply me with a PROPER NOUN like a GODDAMN ADULT
“Cecilia”: YOU try telling someone how horrible you are!
William: EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS
“Cecilia”: There has to be a way of explaining this without blowing it into your penis.
“Cecilia”: I’ll be right back!
William: No, no, let’s talk about the penis option.
William: Look, if you’re worried I don’t like older women, I can tell you about all the ugly profs I fucked.
William: Or maybe holy how in where did that’s not fucking what.
William: Haha! Oh, right! That makes sense.
Vicki: For what it’s worth, I like you a lot better than your dad.
William: Haha. Okay. Wait a second. There’s just one thing I need explained. Haha.
Vicki: You alright?
Vicki: You needed something… explained?
William: Yeah! Haha. HAHAHAHA!
William: What did I do to deserve this.
William: Okay. STOCKS! Cheer up. NET WORTH! I can handle this. FUTURES TRADING!
William: LIQUID ASSETS!
Vicki: You sound like Kevin O’Leary.
This is the Canadian localization. For the international version substitute “Donald Trump” except for Australia, where “Rupert Murdoch” is used.
Vicki: THIS IS NOT GOING WELL
Yeah, it’s hard to have a good outlook on life when those three guys are mentioned.
Vicki: So hey, how’s about I talk about those people I murdered and you explain cellphone apps to me.
Nick: These holocaust documentaries are chilling.
William: I’VE BEEN FUCKING MY DAD’S THIRD WIFE
William: AND ALSO SHE’S A MURDERER
He’s handling this better than I expected.
Vicki: He’s screaming and yelling.
Right! Once he starts fucking we’ll know he’s back to normal.
William: How could you keep this from me? You’re the SCIA’s second most wanted! And that’s only because they’re not one hundred percent sure you’re dead!
Vicki: Don’t tell me Melanie’s normally ahead, that would really piss me off.
William: CHRIST! All I’d have to do is fuck my half-sister and I’d have all three fucking supervillains in my bedpost notches!
Hahaha, that sure would suck!
Vicki: So I take it you don’t want to hear my side of the story?
William: Sure, Heisenberg! Spill all the details so I know how totally fucked I’m gonna be for not knowing about it.
Vicki: You’re Hank in this analogy? Hank is WAY funnier than you.
William: HE HAS A BETTER WRITER
Hey! Leave me out of this!
William: I just can’t believe you didn’t tell me sooner.
Vicki: That I’m a serial killer.
William: I TOLD YOU ABOUT THOSE OFFICE SUPPLIES I TOOK
Vicki: You honestly don’t see why I would be hesitant to discuss this with you?!
William: Blah blah blah, self preservation, a likely story.
Vicki: I lose sleep over this every night!
William: It could be worse! Someone could have MURDERED YOU.
William: How many more innocent idiots have you skullsliced?
Vicki: NONE! Except that zombie I killed. In the museum.
William: A LIKELY STORY! KINDA!
William: You know what happens next, right? I can’t just pretend this didn’t happen.
Vicki: Well maybe I’m sick of hiding!
William: OH WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE AXE MURDERER
William: You should NEVER have let me put my dick where my dad put his dick.
Vicki: Your dad put his dick everywhere.
William: YOU PEOPLE NEED TO BE PROPERLY LABELLED
Vicki: Anyway, this isn’t ABOUT us! It’s about YOU, and your pathological need to not notice anything injurious to your mental well-being!
William: Blah blah blah imagine I defeated that argument.
Vicki: I notice you haven’t handcuffed me yet.
William: Well DUH, I’m not sure I want to have sex with you now!
William: Ohhhhhh, you mean yeah no I think I can handle one unarmed pregnant chick.
William: Assuming you haven’t got any axes in your pockets.
William: I need to take a dump.
William: Hey, your faucet’s broken.
Vicki: And I’m a serial killer! Boy, what a day, huh?!
William: Don’t take this out on me.
Vicki: I want to take so much out on you.
Vicki: AND NOW I CAN’T ‘CUZ I’M DEAD
William: I’ll say nice things about you at your trial.
Vicki: YOU’RE A TERRIBLE CHARACTER WITNESS
William: Hey now, come on! Doesn’t it feel good to finally come clean? Can’t touch you, fingerprints.
Vicki: I killed all those people.
William: They were probably gonna get killed anyway, though.
Vicki: I don’t even know why I did it!
William: See? There’s our defense! Nobody will miss them and they’re such nobodies you don’t even remember why you hated them.
William: Wait, you honestly don’t know?
Vicki: No! I went to get an axe to wave at Laci, so she’d stop kicking over our garbage can, and the next thing you know ol’ Jed’s a millionaire!
William: Yeah, I heard it too, I’m glad you made the joke. It would be tasteless and insensitive coming from me, instead of just tasteless.
Vicki: I KILLED HALF A DOZEN PEOPLE!
William: Townies, though! Only Ember was a person, arguably!
Vicki: I just felt so confused and jealous with that axe in my hand.
William: Lumberjack syndrome. Lumberjacks are jealous of everyone.
William: So wait, oh my god! You’re pregant! With presumably my baby!
William: Who is sort of my brother!
Vicki: You seem less mad right now.
William: Well you’re much cuter when you don’t look like my sister, woman.
William: And I always found villains kinda hot.
William: Hey in there, little guy!
Vicki: I think it’s a girl.
William: Shush, a man always knows.
William: Alright, so. Let’s see if we can’t get you not killed.
Vicki: That sounds like a sensible goal.
William: We’ll call that Agenda Item Number Two.
William: With Item Number One being of a more personal nature.
Vicki: Personally, I approve of this agenda.
William: Wow, I always wanted to date an historical figure!
Vicki: Unfortunately my historical figure is purely historical right now.
Amar: Ha ha ha this feels like a mistake.
William: You’re such a gentle soul, I really can’t see you killing people.
Vicki: And yet there they are, dead.
Nick: These chapters are supposed to be about me and my cute childhood romance.
I prefer to focus on storylines that are gonna go somewhere.
Vicki: And then he banged me in his car! Right in the driveway! For an hour.
Vicki: What he lacks in size he makes up for with stamina.
William: Jerome’s dick is small?!
Vicki: I can see why you didn’t figure out who I am now.
Vicki: But hey, congratulations on getting a hardened killer to confess, Gov!
William: You’re not the only one who’s hardened, baby.
Vicki: Joke acknowledged.
William: No joke!
Vicki: We’re officially doing fetish porn!
Wake me up when you get to my fetishes.
Vicki: Oh, you married man you!
Wait, shit! We’re already there!
Aaaaaaaaaand now we’re not.
Wow, that didn’t take very long.
William: God damn kid kept bangin’ on the uterine wall, yelling “Keep it down out there!”
William: He’s just like his daddy.
Vicki: I’m surprised you didn’t dislodge her.
Vicki: Oh god am I supposed to have big white cock when I’m pregnant
Vicki: Is big white cock even a thing
Vicki: Also am I going to jail now
William: Haha, funny joke, Cec. Tell it to me again when you’re not pregnant anymore.
William: Hey, no tongue, sis.
“Cecilia”: My hero.
William: My villain.
MY QUOTATION MARKS!
William: Your mom is quite a lady, son.
Nick: Yeah, I heard you shouting that.
“Cecilia”: IT’S A SHOUTY KIND OF DAY
If this was a real Addams Family house, there’d be a pile of quicksand with a dead can kicker inside of it around here somewhere.
This is not a real Addams Family house.
“Cecilia”: I made you a sandwich!
Nick: Drop it in.
“Cecilia”: His father’s son.
Nick: It’s hard to sleep with this thing in my hair.
Nick: There may be other reasons.
“Cecilia”: Well, that could have gone worse.
It SHOULD have gone worse.
“Cecilia”: Never underestimate the power of a crying girl.
I lost half a decade of my life to one of those.
“Cecilia”: Notice anything different about me?
Nick: You smell like sex?
Nick: …wait a second.
Nick: If she comes in here to serial kill, you’re first in the series pal.
Nick: I’m gonna kneecap you first to make sure.
Nick: TAKE THE BEAR HE’S THE PUREST OF US
Vicki: Dude, you thought I was a serial killer already. I’m just a different one.
Nick: Does that mean you’ll kill people for me?
Nick: Sorry about your kneecaps, bud.
Vicki: I see you dropped the pseudonym again.
There’s nobody in here who thinks you’re Cecilia now.
Vicki: I guess it’s an improvement.
Vicki: My death toll is a lot lower.
Vicki: And I’m definitely ahead of her life toll.
Vicki: Here it comes! An absolute monster if genetics are any indication.
Vicki: Ohhhh god give this kid an axe!
Vicki: DON’T COME OUT THROUGH THE BELLY BUTTON!
Vicki: Weird lamp, give me strength!
Vicki: Oh my gosh! It’s a girl!
Somewhere down the street Captain Sparkles recoils in shame.
Vicki: Your name is Samantha. Samantha Laci Enriquez.
Check out that ethnicity spectrum.
Custom skin and Maxis eyes, but with default replacements!
I’ll allow you to keep this one.
Whoah! When did that happen?
Vicki: A mother needs to work quickly.
Vicki: Don’t worry kiddo, mommy’s gonna take good care of you.
She is, too. Always.
Vicki: You just made a prediction that isn’t negative!
Consider it a baby shower present.
Vicki: I’ve had more presents than I deserve today.
BLAH BLAH BLAH SAPPY SHIT
Nick: Hey mom! Did you shart me out a slave?
Nick: Yay! He hasn’t got your skin! Maybe he won’t be a pariah after all.
Nick: Hey little guy!
Vicki: This is your sister, Samantha.
Nick: Um, no? I’m her brother, Nick! Geez, mom.
Samantha: .oO(I don’t like him.)
Nick: Oh WOW! It’s a GIRL! I hate it.
Nick: Even if it is kinda cute.
Nick: You and I are gonna have some fun times, kid! They might even occasionally be fun for you, too.
Vicki: I forbid you to kill your sister.
Nick: Emancipate me.
Try not to fuck this one up.
Vicki: No promises.
Next time: basically Lord of the Flies without all the dead kids.
That comes later.