Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!
Maybe this week I’ll actually make all three days?
Last time in the Clover County Chronicles…
Yep. I finally did another newspaper.
Mail me your cheques.
Iris: Somebody’s gettin’ laid tonight!
Yeah, and all you had to do for it was murder his wife.
Iris: Life tastes sweeter when you earn it.
Oops, look out, you accidentally turned your draw distance up. If you’re not careful this whole story might stop looking like shit.
Iris: I’m sure your architecture will intervene, though.
Iris: …so yeah, pretty sure Kitty ran away with her greasy latin lover and is never ever coming back.
Iris: I distinctly heard her complaining that she couldn’t stand your constant nattering about Science or something.
Alvin: IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE ONLY SHE WOULD KNOW THAT ABOUT ME
Iris: You could even hear the capital “S.”
Sophie Byall: Hey buddy, need a blow?
Iris: Shoo, private school.
Iris: I’ve got his blows covered.
Iris: Hey, Alvin, look on the bright side: this stop sign is vertically mirrored for some reason.
Alvin: Haha yeah and half-stuck in the ground, I see it now, that’s lame.
Iris: I hear the best way to get over an acrimonious breakup is to get on the horse again! And by the horse I mean me.
Alvin: And what’s getting on you a metaphor for?
Iris: It is not.
Alvin: You look even hotter next to this Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard impersonator.
Iris: Okay, the cuteness is starting to wear off a bit now.
Alvin: So stop being so hot!
Uma: Hey, it’s famous actress Daisy White’s mom!
Brady: Wow, I’ve heard all about you, famous actress Daisy White’s mom!
Iris: Is this what Melanie goes through every day? I bet she goes nuts and kills you all.
Brooke: Hey, are you guys talking to famous actress Daisy White’s mom?!
Brady: You don’t get your own meme.
Iris: Geez, what if I actually start to like the guy?
I’ll kill you.
Iris: Aww, that’s so sweet!
Alvin: Don’t do it! You have so much to live for!
Iris: Alvin, you can’t commit suicide with a grill. I’m making hot dogs.
Alvin: You’ve obviously never seen me cook.
Emily: Hey look, it’s famous act-
Iris: You want some plateface too, ugly?
Alvin: I’m not sure I want to eat. I’m still pretty upset about Kitty.
Iris: We’ll get you a new pussy tonight, I promise.
Alvin: Are you thinking about me? I can’t quite see it from out here.
Yep, right there. Block the embarassing neighbourhood prop.
Count Alon: What about the ones across the street?
Don’t you have a Countess somewhere?
Brady: Sometimes I almost get why other people are straight.
Alvin: Okay, so now you’re gonna take me to grief counselling or something, right?
Iris: Or something, right.
Alvin: This is a den of ill repute.
Iris: The illest! I checked.
Alvin: I’m not much of a dancer.
Iris: Men aren’t expected to dance well. We all know they only do it to grope women.
Alvin: Or other dudes! I hear that’s a thing too.
Iris: Judging by your increasingly tight pants, I’m pretty sure it’s not a thing for you.
Alvin: Says the woman who bought tighter clothes for herself tonight.
Iris: I figure the tighter mine are, the tighter yours get.
Iris: Tell me I’m wrong.
Alvin: You’re so wrong it’s right!
Iris: Feeling better yet?
Alvin: HORMONES IMPROVE EVERYTHING
Alvin: How do I know you’re not a femme fatale scheming to keep my secret agent nose out of someone’s evil secret agent business?
Iris: I’m wearing black. Femme fatales never dress in black.
Alvin: I’M CONVINCED
Alvin: Man, I wish my wife would run away more often!
Kiera: DANCE CONTEST IS IT
Kiera: BAM I WIN
Nawwaf: CHALLENGER APPROACHES
Iris: Kiss me, you tool.
Opal: I’m beginning to think that there’s a slight possibility that I’m past my prime.
Alvin: I’ve got enough prime right now for everyone.
Iris: Good, I don’t want to waste too much time priming your pump later.
Alvin: I don’t know what that means.
Kiera: FINISH HIM
Alvin: These people look ridiculous.
Iris: It’s becoming self-aware!
Alvin: I have to warn you. I usually mention Science every even-numbered sentence. And I’m thinking about it on the odd ones.
Iris: That’s why I haven’t heard it yet! All your sentences have been odd so far.
Alvin: You’re pretty clever. Have you considered a career in Science?
Iris: I’d be a poor fit, I find it too tempting to manipulate results.
Iris: I’m really good at that.
Alvin: You promise you’re not doing someone else’s evil bidding?
Iris: What, a girl can’t do her own evil bidding? Sexist.
Victor: Hey, you’re a sexist? We should be bros.
Iris: Hos come first.
Alvin: Thanks for the pillows, Kiera.
Iris: Keep them to yourself. You might end up losing them.
Iris: Hey guy! Guy I don’t know, because I’m not Laci Phelps.
Glen: Yeah, hey! What?
Nawwaf: This is famous scientist Alvin Woodrow.
Victor: Not the famous scientist Alvin Woodrow who helped make the zombie cure!
Kiera: Didn’t famous scientist Alvin Woodrow’s wife die recently?
Deborah: I hear the woman who lives next to famous scientist Alvin Woodrow and writes her own weblog is very beautiful and intelligent.
Iris: Famous scientist Alvin Woodrow? He lives next to some nobody in a pink dress.
Nerissa: Hey guys, it’s famous actress Daisy White’s mom!
Alvin: I’m a chick magnet today.
Kiera: We must have the same poles.
Alvin: Are you saying you’re a transvestite?
Alvin: Wow, you sure are clingy tonight.
Iris: In war, you’ve gotta secure your gains.
Alvin: I didn’t know I was at war with anybody.
Iris: That’s how good they are.
Iris: You’re a smart fellow, Alvin. I bet you figure everything out eventually.
Alvin: Yeah! I just like the suspense, is all.
Iris: I forgot how much fun it was not being dead.
Kiera: Get a room, you two!
Iris: Ooh, good idea!
Iris: This is how good I am with my mouth.
Alvin: I accept your invitation.
Alvin: Can we do one last dance though? I printed out an online romance checklist and it’s very strict.
Iris: Sure. HEY! PLAY SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE!
♪ To all skeet skeet motherfucker (MOTHERFUCKER!) all skeet skeet god damn ♪
Iris: You’re blushing!
Alvin: Only because I forgot to breathe!
Alvin: WHY IS SHE STILL HERE
Because I haven’t found the right storyline to kill all these nobodies off with yet.
Iris: We’re working on it, though.
Alvin: Stop maybe revealing plot while I’m distracted!
Alvin: No, but let’s keep the distraction thing going, come on!
Iris: How about we go back to my place, where there’s less distractions, so I can use up all the distraction resources on my own?
Alvin: That has a certain Sciencey ring to it!
Iris: What a pretty place Centreborough is. Back in my day we couldn’t come here often because it used to crash so hard. When did you fix that?
NEVER. HIT THE GAS ALREADY.
Iris: Need me to pick up anything before we head home, Alvin?
Alvin: Me, for starters.
Iris: That was a cute invisible car, Wonder Woman.
Alvin: Isn’t your daughter home?
Iris: She’s probably killing someone or something.
Alvin: Right! Rehearsing for her job portraying a serial killer.
Iris: Totally what I meant, yeah.
Iris: Would you like to stay the night? I have an extra side of the bed you can sleep on, and an extra vagina for you to keep your penis in.
Alvin: How come girls always have those?!
Iris: I CAN’T SEE IT
Iris: BUT I CAN SENSE IT SOMEHOW
Lexie: Kinda like this WATER.
Lexie: That’s better.
I couldn’t figure out how to remind you in the newspaper recap that Daisy is keeping a hostage in her attic.
Lexie: Maybe you need a better recapping device.
MAYBE I DON’T TAKE ADVICE FROM PEOPLE WHO GET THEMSELVES KIDNAPPED.
Alvin: Iris! You seemed taller in your new outfit!
Alvin: Do you prefer to be called a midget or an elf?
Iris: I don’t care if you call me by your wife’s name, as long as you’re doing it in my bed.
Daisy: Dweeb. It’s meaner.
Alvin: Oh, hello. You’re looking less dressed.
Iris: I do so pride myself on my subtle hints.
Alvin: Sometimes I even pick up on them!
Iris: Demonstrate the laws of attraction to me, Dr. Woodrow.
Daisy: They only sound similar.
Iris: Forget about that whore, Alvin. She was one hundred percent Maxis. You’re looking at a total gene package upgrade here.
Iris: It’s a scientific fact.
Alvin: You’re kinda lecturing to the faculty here, don’t you think?
Iris: Is that like preaching to the choir?
Alvin: If you’re gullible, sure.
Alvin: I NEED TO SEE THE SOURCE CODE BEHIND THIS
Iris: Thank god for pervert programmers.
Alvin: Where did you learn to do that?!
Iris: I’m basically acting out a porn on top of you. Most guys are too shallow to have a problem with it.
Alvin: I have never felt so much empathy for most guys!
Kaylynn: Would you like to play a game with your Aunt Kaylynn?
Kelsey: Mommy says you sleep in pee.
Daisy: High five!
Alvin: I’m just sayin’, I could totally go again.
Iris: What you lack in length and girth, you halfway make up for in stamina!
Alvin: Do you get off on insulting people?
Iris: You should take it as a challenge to get me off in other ways.
Kaylynn: So when do I get to hear this fantastic plan of yours?
Daisy: Over my dead body.
Daisy: But hopefully my body outlives yours.
Kaylynn: Oh, probably. I’ve been dead more times than Weird Al.
Daisy: Next time you’re down there, kick Lucas in the balls for me.
In other news, is Andrea dead too?
Iris: Well, it’s consummated now.
Alvin: …what is?
Iris: Your symbolic divorce.
Alvin: So wait, I actually get to date you? You’re not just drunk and seeing me with beer goggles or something?
Iris: Trust me, beer goggles wouldn’t be able to distort how you you are.
Daisy: Sneaking mission failed. Try again.
Kaylynn: Some day I intend to come back to life to an actual room.
Iris: Why are we getting up at fuck-you in the morning?
Iris: Oh, right, you have that crotchfruit to take care of.
Alvin: She’s probably eating the couch leather by now.
Alvin: How do I know you’ll see me again?
Iris: The kind of stupidity I apparently have is rarely temporary.
Iris: And I can’t dump you now, because you know the embarrassing things I shout during sex.
Alvin: Lots of people your age liked the Backstreemmmmphhhhh mmmm.
Alvin: We have the same skintone.
Iris: The basis for most relationships.
Iris: Say, have you heard that sex has been clinically proven to enhance higher brain functions?
Kelsey: Pattycake again!
Kaylynn: WHEN DID YOU COME IN
Iris: Well? Do you feel any smarter?
Alvin: It’s like you shot some knowledge up my penis while I shot that other stuff into your vagina!
Iris: I hear all the truly great scientists neglected their familial responsibilities.
Alvin: Well okay then.
Kaylynn: WHO TAUGHT THOSE KIDS NINJITSU
Alvin: What did I ever do to deserve a chick like you?
Iris: Nothing. You’re being played.
Alvin: That’s okay, you play with me really well.
Iris: It’s like deflowering a virgin every time.
Growing up in the atomic age.
Daisy: Geez, take some pride in your surroundings woman.
That’s almost exactly the same pose as before.
Iris: That’s because I only bought myself an extra half-hour of sleep.
Alvin: I GOT MY DINGUS WET
Iris: I GOT MY HOO-HOO STICKY
Iris: SEE HOW STUPID THAT SOUNDS
Alvin: Best Groundhog Day loop ever!
Iris: I wish you could see how sexy my eyes look right now.
Alvin: I believe you.
Iris: If you were William, you’d be three inches deep in me right now.
Alvin: If I were William I’d have figured out your nefarious plot and shot you by now.
Iris: I accept your compromise.
Iris: And I’ll raise you one of my own.
Alvin: I like where this is going.
Alvin: I like where this is still going.
Alvin: I love where this is!
Alvin: You have to brush your teeth after, though.
Iris: I’m brushing my teeth right now.
Iris: Oh god! You’re naked! Where am I?!
Alvin: NOT FUNNY
Alvin: Still not funny…
Iris: I’ll see you out, date rapist.
Alvin: Rape jokes aren’t funny.
Iris: When men tell them.
Alvin: But a man is writing your dialogue!
Which is itself probably not okay.
Alvin: Is this your car? It looks like the one Daisy drives.
Iris: I’m not getting cum all over my upholstery!
Alvin: Ew, that white-
Lexie: -sticky stuff is dripping everywhere, what a mess!
Alvin: So, is this what first dates are usually like?
Iris: I think for most women they’re usually more like cautionary tales.
Alvin: You mean this wasn’t a cautionary tale?
Iris: No, I don’t feel the need to shower or call the cops.
Alvin: I’M A CATCH
Iris: So am I! I’ve got granddaughters and I’m only thirtyish. These bitches are gonna be supporting me for life.
Alvin: I’m at the point where financial stability is a serious aphrodesiac.
Alvin: But can we not talk about babies while we sex?
Iris: Yeah, let’s not jinx the contraceptives.
Usually Alvin is his own contraceptive.
What I’m saying is, this hardly seems fair to all the non-stooges out there.
Iris: If there’s any more stooges who can accidentally blow the lid off our plot, then by all means, line them up.
Alvin: Can you translate what you’re saying down there for those of us who don’t speak blowjob?
Iris: TELL ME TO TELL HIM TO GO HOME
Yeah, I don’t know what was going on. I must have gotten tired of my actual porn that night.
…wait, no, it was like five o’clock in the evening. On a Wednesday.
Alvin: OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH
Alvin: I have to leave before this moebius strip resets again.
Alvin: Your kisses taste like dick now.
Iris: Everything is gonna taste like dick now.
Daisy: Nope, this bottle was dick-flavoured.
Iris: That’s still pretty awesome.
I hope it doesn’t teach you to try inflating dicks like balloon animals, though.
Daisy: So yeah, the microcameras got it all. Solid blackmail material.
Iris: He’s not going to interfere. He’s too much of a clod to figure it out.
Daisy: Get a big enough clod and your plumbing will still back up, mom.
Iris: My daughter, the poet.
Leaving evidence of your misdeeds, eh?
Alvin: What? Sure!
Daisy: Oh hey, see if you can figure out why the basement keeps nakeding people.
I think it might be symptomatic of a wider problem with reality.
Kaylynn: WHY ARE YOU NAKED
Daisy: ‘cuz we’re in a porn, and it’s time for the money shot. Come with me.
Kaylynn: This seems like a bad idea.
Daisy’s plans usually work out pretty well for her.
Kaylynn: Right! It seems like a bad idea for me.
Kaylynn: Hi, Melanie? Hi. It’s Kaylynn. I’m not dead.
Kaylynn: Remember how we used to rampage around and eat people? I miss those days.
Kaylynn: Melanie, I specifically didn’t ask about your kids so you specifically wouldn’t tell me.
Kaylynn: Look, I’ve met someone who thinks she can bring back the glory days. I know you haven’t lost the taste for brain. Week-old spaghetti just isn’t the same.
Kaylynn: No, hear me out! We can sack the entire county and leave everyone else to rot! Literally. As zombies. Oh, you got that. Alright.
Kaylynn: The time is right. Everyone thinks I’m dead and you’re cured. They think they’re safe.
Daisy: Saw what you did there.
Kelsey: I didn’t!
Kaylynn: Just consider it, alright? Or are you too happy under the trigger thumb of the guy who locked you in four different prisons over the course of ten years?
Kaylynn: Ooh, touched a nerve.
Kaylynn: Okay, I baited Big Pink. Did you handle Blondie?
Iris: Only all night.
Kaylynn: Okay, great, gross.
Daisy: I think Kelsey might have just learned how to levitate.
Kaylynn: All demon children are born knowing that.
Kaylynn: Hey, aren’t you famous actr-
Iris: Fuck off.
Daisy: I’m a good mom!
Iris: Implying that I wasn’t?
Daisy: Didn’t have enough time to judge, since you decided to play catch with that axe murderer.
Kelsey: Yeah, that was a shit move for sure.
Iris: …HOW DO YOU SEE OUT OF THESE SIDEWAYS EYES
Daisy: I don’t, really. But the shiftiness factor is totally worth it.
Daisy: Alright Kay, do your stuff.
Kaylynn: At least I don’t have to actually die this time.
Daisy: Yeah. Right. Definitely.
Kaylynn: I wish I could say I didn’t kinda like being a mouldering, festering corpse.
Iris: It definitely improves her complexion.
Kaylynn: The pustules add a lot of tone and definition, to be sure.
Daisy: Anything you need to do to prepare?
Kaylynn: Just one thing.
Iris: I really don’t see why we’re relying on these psychopaths.
Daisy: You don’t? Because I’m pretty sure plans for world domination that exploit the preconceived notions of others and don’t expose you to prosecution are the best plans.
Daisy: Take care of Zombie #1. I’m gonna go to work so we can afford the rest of them.
Kaylynn: …the rest of us?
Kaylynn: PLEASE tell me more about this plan. I have literally just DIED to know.
Iris: You won’t be the only one.
Daisy: “Dear William: BRAAAAAINS. Love, Melanie.”
Next time: uh, lesbians again, apparently.
But, like, lots of them this time.
So if you’re into that… yay?