Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates on Friday every week, and usually on Tuesdays!
Bit late today.
But luckily, I don’t owe you shit.
Well hello there, Baby New Year!
Shiloh: .oO(Piss off. I’m staring at this hangy shit.)
I’m glad you’ll have something to fixate on when the screaming starts.
Jerome: Who’s gonna be screaming? Are Penny and I gonna fight again today?
Not unless you hear her screaming, anyway.
Penny: Don’t tease the poor guy. He knows his penis is tiny, he doesn’t know his wife is cheating on him… his life sucks both visibly and cosmically.
Jerome: And also I dislike recycling.
But at least you’re learning something from it.
Penny: I hope I remembered my dirt.
Penny: My dirt. I always put dirt in my hair on the drive to Centreborough, so I have an excuse to shower when I get there. I keep hoping someone will walk in and take advantage of me.
Jerome: Why are you looking at me like that?
God, the pathos is incredible.
Jerome: What are you mumbling back there?!
Jerome: Every day I check for jobs.
Jerome: Every day I’m disappointed.
Hey, just like your wife!
Well, not every day.
Jerome: God is moving in mysterious ways, Mrs. Flibble.
Mrs. Flibble: .oO(So tell him to make some fucking sense!)
Jerome: What did I do?!
Not you! The womrat!
Jerome: The womrat can’t talk!
I was reading its thoughts! I was writing its thoughts! YOU’RE TALKING TO YOUR CREATOR WHY ARE YOU ARGUING ABOUT WOMRATELEPATHY
Jerome: At least we got a good portmanteau out of it.
Go talk to that redhead.
I want more redheads.
Jerome: When does this start becoming about what I want?
When I start looking for something to mock.
Lainey Bertino: Hi! I’m Lainey.
Jerome: I bet you are. “Wanna get Lainey?” “Come Lainey down beside me!” I know what you’re playing at, strumpet, and I’m married.
Lainey: I’m Lainey, and the mayor sent me down here to assess your property value. For tax purposes.
Jerome: I’m sure you’ll forgive me. It’s not like your name’s complainey.
Jerome: I think I handled that about right.
Lainey: What is that smell.
Jerome: Something that lowers my taxes?
Lainey: Is it a small penis? Because I can smell those.
Jerome: It might be Penny’s massage oil. She bought a whole bunch of it, and she says we’re saving it for a romantic weekend together.
Jerome: Well specifically she didn’t say “we” but I think it’s implied.
Jerome: She’s definitely not cheating on me.
Lainey: These are good sandwiches.
Lainey: What? You expect me to talk about your wife’s fidelity with you? I don’t think you want that, especially when my small penis-dar is beeping so frantically.
Lainey: I CAN’T EVEN SMELL THIS SANDWICH.
Shiloh: .oO(Screaming already?!)
Jerome: You can really smell it?
Lainey: Nope, I was just guessing. But you looked like you were stupid enough to believe me.
Jerome: This is Shiloh. She originates in my penis. So I guess it’s not so bad.
Lainey: All that tells me is your balls aren’t shrivelled. Thanks for that image. You want a medal?
Lainey: You ready to teach sex ed, Dr. Bunnybear?
Lainey: So, this stuffed rabbit on the floor is your wife, also on the floor. Where a man is taking her. Are you listening? Jerome?
Jerome: How come women are such jerks, Shiloh?
Shiloh: .oO(It must be your tiny penis.)
Hailey: I DARE YOU TO HIT ME
Penny: YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HIDE A BODY?!
Penny: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A BODY
Penny: It’s barely more difficult than hiding an affair.
Penny: Or getting a promotion.
Did you get that promotion by having an affair?
Penny: Don’t be vulgar. Andrew and I are a totally legitimate couple. The fact that Jerome is my husband is just an inconvenient historical detail that later texts will fail to mention.
Lainey: If you witness any cuckoldry, I will pay handsomely for your story.
Lainey: I’ve seen where he keeps the pellets.
Penny: Jerome. There’s a woman in our house, and it isn’t me, and you aren’t having sex with her. Why can’t I have a husband who cheats on me, instead of a husband who just lets random fucking strangers play with our womrats?
Jerome: I’d never cheat on you, Penny! Fidelity is like an aphrodesiac to me!
Penny: .oO(So that’s why he’s always flaccid.)
Jerome: I trust you’ll make a favourable report to the mayor.
Lainey: The mayor’s office doesn’t handle taxes. I just wanted a free sandwich, and maybe a nice chat with a womrat.
Lainey: You’re basically a career sucker, aren’t you?
Lainey: Also your wife dumped the trash on your lawn.
Penny: GET OFF MY PROPERTY
Penny: And I will too.
Bradley: Who is that foxy lady?
That’s your wife.
Bradley: Shit, really? Alzheimer’s is fab.
Stephen: Much like Bradley’s wife.
Lydia: Come on, give it a rest. At least I could conceivably be a playable some day.
Penny: I hate mixing with these people.
That’s why god invented sexuality.
Bradley: Check it out! I just picked up this totally hot chick! I hope Ember doesn’t mind.
Penny: I’m doing this for Shiloh. I want to be able to tell her to go for what she wants in life without feeling ashamed.
That’s why you’re buying new clothes for your secret date with Andrew tonight.
Penny: No, I’m just rehearsing my excuse for if Jerome finds out.
Penny: You didn’t hear that. I own a gun.
Penny: And I’ve just been arrested!
Puns are punishable by death around here.
Stephen: You still there? You didn’t execute yourself, did you?
I was going to, but I phoned my pardon in at the last moment.
Stephen: Hi! I’m Stephen Murphy. I’m the Generation One Family Sim. What’s your name?
Penny: I’m Penny Newc-… Penny Spring. I’m the Generation Two Family Sim! And I have way too much sex without my husband for that to make any sense.
Stephen: Hey, me too! Without my wife, I mean. Although also without your husband.
Stephen: I think I handled that about right.
Penny: You can handle me about right any time.
Uma: Can you people stop flirting? It’s reminding me about how I basically don’t exist.
Brady: I kissed a dude once.
Lydia: .oO(Knee fetish secretly satisfied.)
Grant: That chick is checking out your knees, Kaitlin.
Penny: I’d better leave before a crime is committed.
Yeah, that’s how I figure cops work.
Grant: I MUST RUN REALLY FAST
Penny: He really must!
Grant: Hey, speaking of fast…
Andrew: I won’t let you slight this fine woman’s character!
Grant: I meant you. Aren’t you the scientist who’s secretly banging that cop?
Andrew: Oh. Well. Yes, alright.
Ryan: Can I slight your character?
Kendra: Fifty bucks an hour, cash only.
You bought an elf soul.
Chief: .oO(I EAT ELF SOULS FOR BREAKFAST)
Chief: .oO(Speaking of which, I haven’t had breakfast. You got anything on you?)
Penny: I bought a dogggggg Andrew.
Andrew: That’s lovely, Mrs. Newcastle. Do give my respects to your husband.
Penny: He’s a gooood doggy, Andrew. Does that make you think of anything?
Andrew: NOT IN FRONT OF THE PARROT, PENNY
Penny: Hey, Ricky! Lookin’ hot!
Ricky: We’ve been over this, Penny. No fraternization.
Penny: I thought only boys could do that.
Kendra: I’m open to fraternization over here, if anyone’s got cash.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: SOUNDS LEGIT
I think Ember is drawn to Mrs. Crumplebottom now.
The way antimatter is drawn to matter.
If that were true and not something I just made up.
Ember: You have my permission, Mrs. Newcastle.
Penny: To do what?
Ember: Anything he asks you to. Especially anal. Because I ain’t doing that for him.
Penny: Are we talking about your husband? Stephen?
Ember: I can’t hear you, because this conversation has gone on too long and we’re walking in opposite directions.
Penny: Stop fucking with the dials, air conditioner’s already on.
Wait for it…
I was afraid it wouldn’t happen this time.
Penny: YOU WANTED THIS?!
Katy: IF ANYONE ASKS I DIDN’T SEE SHIT
Jerome: Well well! I see she’s back from her illicit I TRUST HER COMPLETELY GODDAMMIT.
Jerome: Even if she bought a murder beast to kill me.
Penny: Dammit! I could totally have afforded one of those on my new salary, too.
Penny: IT’S SHILOH’S BIRTHDAY PRETEND YOU’RE HER DOCTOR OR SOMETHING
Chief: .oO(Fuck your lawn.)
Jerome: I’m going for a nap, Penny. Please tell your dog to stop destroying everything I love.
Penny: Chief! Bad dog! You’re compromising the dignity of your station!
Penny: Now go show Jerome what you’re really made of.
Chief: .oO(I’m made of RAGE)
Chief: .oO(With a little bit of mischief thrown in.)
For the last time, there’s no doorbell there.
Andrew: Shh! I’m fingerknocking.
Jerome: Penny! Someone’s fingerknocking and WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK
Penny: LET’S KILL HIM IN HIS SLEEP TONIGHT
Jerome: Bad dog! Don’t shred occupied objects! Do you want bugs? Because that’s how you get bugs.
Andrew: What are you doing?
Penny: I’m going to use the toilet. I want you to wash your hands, like you just finished. I want to pretend that I’m married to you, and we’re doing gross married people things together.
Andrew: This is fucked up.
Penny: I know. Isn’t it sweet.
Chief: .oO(SURRENDER YOUR BODY TO ME)
Mrs. Flibble: .oO(EAT MR. GRIVVER FIRST)
Jerome: STOP RUINING MY LIFE DOG
Andrew: What’re you making for breakfast, honey? I want to plan our next bowel movement together.
Chief: .oO(This had better be womrat-flavoured. Or at least couch-flavoured.)
Shiloh: .oO(I’M READY ALREADY GODDAMMIT)
Andrew: Adultery is kind of illogical.
That’s what makes it so much fun.
Andrew: -sigh- Yeah…
Penny: Don’t you judge me, Dr. Bunnybear. Your PhD isn’t in psychology.
Penny: And it’s not my fault that one of your fellow scientists broke into my heart.
Andrew: Whose fault is it that I just watched you change, though?
Andrew: Not that I’d admit to any faults being involved in that.
Penny: It comes apart very attractively.
I’m sure we’ll see.
Penny: I’m sure you will.
Andrew: My disintegrator pistol has a “large dog” setting.
Chief: .oO(We understand each other perfectly.)
Chief: .oO(I now have treaties negotiated with every living being in this house, except for the baby. But it is a protectorate of Greater Penny and has no control over its foreign affairs.)
Jerome: Did you give the dog his treaties already?
Penny: Yeah. He’s a stiff negotiator.
Jerome: It was nice of you to come, Dr. Murphy.
Penny: He’s always willing to come when I call out his name.
Jerome: Wow, you are such a good neighbour.
Andrew: I’m behind Penny all the way, Jerome.
Penny: He’s even agreed to take his fee out in trade.
Jerome: You will not eat the baby. Do you hear me?
Chief: .oO(You’d better keep my bowl full, that’s all I’ll say.)
Bamf! I hate that hair.
Penny: Andrew, come look! She has her daddy’s nothing.
Jerome: She probably rejected my genes specifically.
Shiloh: Mommy! MOMMY!
Penny: Oh gosh! Her first words!
Andrew: Nope. She’s asking for attention. It’s a game mechanic.
Penny: Shut up, science!
I really hate that hair.
Andrew: I wonder if we can train him to eat Jerome.
I think there’s some more basic training to be done elsewhere first.
Andrew: Alright boy, fetch the stick! Fetch the stick!
Andrew: Get it, boy! Get it!
Andrew: OFF MY FUCKING PROPERTY
Jerome: This is not my beautiful house.
You’re right, it’s Penny’s.
Jerome: This is not my beautiful wife!
In a technical sense it is, but in the sense of ownership… not so much.
Penny: I’m teaching his kid how to shit, what more does he want?
Penny: How selfish can a guy get.
Yay! Baby’s first dump! Everybody’s thrilled!
Now post that shit to Facebook and text all your friends.
Penny: WE ALREADY DID.
Penny: It’s gonna be a long night. Long…
Penny: …and thick, if I recall correctly.
Penny: Phrlbrhth GOD THANKS MEMORIES
Penny: I’m ready for my close up, Mr. Murphy.
Andrew: Kid’s in bed, dog’s in bed, dad’s in bed… yeah, I think it’s our turn.
Andrew: Unfortunately we’re imbeciles.
Penny: It is kinda unfortunate.
Andrew: We’re really putting the “A” in “AI” today.
Penny: I hope you’re ready to put the “D” in “DP.”
Andrew: …double? Double penetration?
Penny: Fuck, I thought it was “deep”
Andrew: Good thing, because even if Jerome was game, I doubt you’d feel him in either hole.
Penny: Gimme a minute, I have to get horny again. That conversation really grossed me out.
Penny: Alright, I’m good.
Andrew: I agree!
Andrew: You are so good.
Penny: Too good for my husband, anyway.
Andrew: Most things are. He’s pretty much shit.
Penny: Oh yeah, honey! Talk dirty to me! About Jerome.
Andrew: I hear his dick is really small.
Penny: Mmm, yeah, so small.
Andrew: Like a Tootsie Roll.
Andrew: Or a piece of red licorice gone bad.
Penny: OH! BABY! SMALLER!
Penny: You really know how to talk to a woman.
Andrew: I don’t think I’ll try any of those lines out again, nevertheless.
Penny: It brought my milkshake to your yard, didn’t it?
Andrew: No. That’s not how the saying goes. And anyway it just let me drink your milkshake, in your yard. I reached all the way across your yard… and drank your milkshake?
Penny: We need to stop this. Neither of us is black, or Daniel Day Lewis.
Penny: Jerome is black, though. We could ask him later.
Andrew: Pff. Jerome is whiter than my mom.
Andrew: Jerome is whiter than WILLIAM’s mom!
Penny: Ohhhhhhh! Whiter, baby, whiter!
Andrew: Sorry, no, she was an albino, that really doesn’t work.
Penny: GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME THEN
Andrew: Good thing I put my adamantium ribs in this morning!
Penny: They’re not the only hard things I can feel down there.
Andrew: I still have my ray gun in my jacket.
Andrew: And also my penis is eng-
Jerome: .oO(-ineering job, or maybe something in construction, even, goddammit, why is “unemployed architect” even a th-)
Penny: -ing in my mouth, pronto.
Andrew: Don’t you want some beard tickling first?
Penny: Maybe, but not on my face.
Andrew: Hey, I just realized when you were talking about your milkshake…
Andrew: Won’t your egg be sunny side up soon?
Shiloh: .oO(I’m sure there’s some way for me to take offense at that.)
Shiloh: .oO(AND I KNOW JUST HOW TO EXPRESS IT)
Penny: If she wakes pencil-dick up she won’t make it to puberty.
Andrew: I’m damn well having some of this cake.
Penny: I didn’t even know those things were edible.
Penny: Shh! Mommy’s getting lainey tonight. So shut your damn mouth.
Penny: Play with the electrical sockets or something, would you?
Penny: Got that beard ready? I want it to feel like I’m inhaling bigfoot.
Andrew: I could ask Amin to come over if you want the authentic experience.
Penny: Congratulations on getting engaged, by the way.
Andrew: That was forever ago. I’m married now.
Penny: We’re roleplaying! I want to pretend it’s back when my life wasn’t ruined yet.
Shiloh: .oO(Strange, I have no memory of that time.)
Shiloh: .oO(I’m memorizing your face, mister.)
Andrew: If you’re thinking about memorizing my face, miss, I have to inform you that I’ll be wiping your memories before I leave tonight.
Shiloh: .oO(Please make sure you wipe them all.)
Andrew: So, where were we?
Shiloh: .oO(You’re a doctor, Professor Bunnybear. Please tell me… what the fuck is a bunnybear?)
Penny: Alright, check this out. Start fiddling with my straps!
Andrew: Your what?!
Penny: My straps! Like, on my dress?
Andrew: Oh! Oh, right, right. Sorry. I have too much sex with robots at work.
Andrew: HOW DID THAT HAPPEN
Penny: MY NEW OUTFIT IS AMAZING
Andrew: This is so weird! It’s like clothing, but it comes off in stages?!
Penny: It’s taken them years to develop the technology!
Andrew: What will they think of next.
But not for quite a while.
Andrew: Her box is posing just fine, thank you.
Penny: I’d appreciate it if you’d delete the word “box” from your romantic vocabulary.
Andrew: I’m hardly in a position to disagree. I’m barely in a position to breathe.
Andrew: AND IT’S AWESOME
Andrew: These straps come off too!?
Penny: And you know what’s underneath?
Andrew: MORE STRAPS?!
Penny: No… breasts.
Andrew: Oh. Well. That’s good too.
Andrew: I hope nobody told your womrats to spy on us.
I can’t wait to see the film. “From Gerbitz With Love.”
Andrew: Penny. Your bra is on the floor.
Penny: You’re getting really observant in your old age, Andrew.
Andrew: I always notice bra-related things. It’s a male trait.
Penny: Speaking of male traits, how you doing down there?
Andrew: Squashed and loving it.
Penny: I wish we were married, Andrew.
Andrew: I don’t. This way we can be adulterous, which is awesome, and I get to hear you whine about him instead of me, which is also awesome.
Penny: I love your egoistic sense of focus.
Andrew: And I love your selfish lust.
Penny: And I love that this fucking chapter isn’t over yet.
Penny: And you’re right, that feels amazing.
Penny: It’s like I’m getting molested by a-
Jerome: .oO(-dog doesn’t even like me…)
Shiloh: .oO(Remember, Dr. Bunnybear. If mommy and daddy break up, our suicide pact is inviolate.)
Penny: This is wrong. We should probably stop.
Andrew: You’re right, you know.
Penny: Okay, it’s agreed. End the chapter. We’ll finish screwing on Friday.
Next time: yep.