Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Still keeping to the schedule! We’ll see if it lasts until Monday.
Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles:
More hints that nobody will get.
-Sharpe Residence, Mount Noble University-
(Where the sheep lie down with the serial killer)
Wendy: Who are you?
Poppy: Mind your own business, bitch!
Well, at least you came back with a great personality.
Wendy: Are you walking in figure eights around the lounge?
Poppy: Mind your own business, bitch!
Tyler: This is way better than television!
Ash: Hey, does somebody want to lay one of these out for me and turn the pages? It’s just that I’m mostly incorporeal.
Don’t know what to do with yourself?
Poppy: Not sure if I’m straight or gay.
Oh. Um. I can’t relate to that at all. So… carry on, I guess?
Felicia: So, a little gender preference confusion, is it?
Poppy: Isn’t that what I told you, bitch?
Felicia: Judging by your hairstyle and your can-do demeaner, I’d guess you’re a carpet muncher. But let’s ask the experts, shall we?
Poppy: Will five thousand simoleons work?
Felicia: What? What? Yes. Yes, five thousand simoleons will work just fine.
Felicia: Oh ancient spirits long since passed, oh ghosts of dreams in sleep held fast, oh souls of love and hate alike, tell me: is this bitch a dyke?
Poppy: Nice. Real nice.
Felicia: Think nothing of it.
Felicia: Yup. Looks like you’re a homo.
Poppy: Could you try to be more positive, bitch?
Felicia: I am being positive. I’m positive that you’re a homo.
Autumn: What? Huh? Where am I? 🙂
Wherever you are, you must be smoking pot.
Autumn: Hi! My name is Autumn!
Poppy: So? What the fuck do I care, bitch?
I’m not sure you understand the purpose of dating, Poppy.
Poppy: I understand that this woman is a bitch.
I stand by what I just said.
Autumn: What the heck is your problem, woman?
Poppy: I’m not the one with the problem, bitch! I’ll fucking cut you!
Avri: The hobo clowns are a nice touch. I wasn’t depressed enough already.
Jasmine: Mmm mmm MMM! Jasmine’s got her some Poppy love!
Poppy: Where were you five thousand dollars ago, bitch?
Avri: And then they saddle you with a mortage you’ll never be able to pay off!
Tyler: AAAAAGH! Stop, I have a weak heart!
Autumn: Hey, nice tunes! You wanna dance?
Poppy: It’s better than listening to you whine, bitch!
Poppy: Has anyone ever told you that you look like a monkey?
Yeah, that’s really practical, Sullivan. Thanks a lot. That’s just what the dorm needed.
Autumn: You’re really nice, Poppy. I’m having a good time.
Poppy: What? Are you serious?
Autumn: Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on in my head. I think I have a concussion.
Poppy: Excellent. So I’ll have an alibi if you die later tonight.
Does anybody really kiss like that? It looks awkward and unrewarding.
…actually, never mind.
Poppy: Yeah, she wouldn’t make out with me.
Poppy: So I killed her.
Poppy: Where are you going?
Much better. The just-showered look wasn’t working for me.
Poppy: I dunno about this. Are you sure I look gay enough? Maybe you should carve a triangle into my head, too, asshole.
Erin: I met your sister a few minutes ago!
Daisy: What do I c… I mean, that’s cool. How was she?
Erin: She was really nice!
Daisy: So, you’re sure it was my sister?
Daisy: We have got to do something about that hair. The Ashton Kutcher look is so last decade.
Daisy: There! Wow, you look great! Minus the urine-soaked sweatsuit. But that’s something you have to deal with yourself.
Daisy: Yeah, see, the problem with this is that nothing I do will make you not need a shower.
Gabe King: Seriously? Man, what a ripoff.
Gabe: Hey, wow! I look great! I look blonde. Why do I look blonde?
Daisy: Certainly not because I’m turned on by blonde hair and I’m trying to create the perfect boyfriend!
Gabe: I’m so flattered that you’re considering me!
Daisy: -kaff- I was considering you. -hack- But you just convinced me otherwise.
Nicholas: I’m a fuckin’ butterfly! I’m a fuckin’ genie!
You’re a fuckin’ stoner. Shut up and blow.
Nicholas: So, where do you see yourself in five years, Erin?
Nicholas: Haha! I guess I’ll have to get a crystal ball to talk to you, then!
Erin: Not so much. You’ll be dead too.
Nicholas: Wow. Morbid much?
Erin: I’m not morbid. I just recognize patterns.
Daisy: Make sure it’s not a woman. I don’t swing that way.
Felicia: Your sister does.
Daisy: What? Wow. Seriously? Wow. She really did get reversed!
Felicia: What does that mean?
Daisy: Nothing! Nothing.
Felicia: Okay, here we are. His name is Amin Turner . He’s got a really stupid haircut, but you know what they say: money can buy scissors, but it can’t buy a new face.
Daisy: That’s totally incorrect, but you have no way of knowing it and I do see your point.
Amin: So, are you going to introduce yourself?
Daisy: Let’s see how you look with a human haircut first, and then I’ll decide if I want to talk to you.
Amin: Haha! You’ve got a sense of humour! I like that.
Daisy: Yes. A sense of humour. Because that was a joke. It was a joke! I’m a nice girl with a sense of humour. Hahahaha!
Daisy: Stop pouting, you look fine.
Amin: I feel like a black Johnny Depp.
Amin: Oh my god! I love being a black Johnny Depp! I totally did not see that coming.
No-one could have.
Amin: I can’t wait to tell my mom I met such a great girl at university!
Daisy: Do me a favour and wait until after the date before you do that.
Daisy: It might prove inconvenient for me otherwise.
Amin: I have no idea what that means, so okay!
Amin: I’m a fuckin’ chicken!
Daisy: I’m a fuckin’ chicken too!
Amin and Daisy: IT’S A SECRET TO EVERYBODY.
Daisy: So, how ’bout it handsome? Gonna buy me a drink?
Amin: The drinks are free here. We own the bar.
Daisy: Okay, zero points for playing along.
Nicholas: I feel like I’m a turkey! Gobblegobblegobble!
Erin: I feel like I’m an airplane! Neeooowwwwwww!
Poppy: I feel like… I’ve been brainwashed.
Nicholas and Erin: That’s stupid.
Daisy: Is Gabe walking behind me?
Amin: Yeah! How did you know? Sixth sense?
Daisy: No, I’m pretty sure it’s the fourth one.
You sure you want to get drunk? You might admit some things you’d rather not admit.
Daisy: My mind is a steel trap.
Full of spikes.
Nawwaf: COCK ATTACK!
Erin: I’m about to have a shower. Do I need to get the campus police?
Nawwaf: COCK RETREAT!
Erin: You call that a cock?
Amin: You let her do this to me.
I know. I’m sorry.
Daisy: Hey Pops! I hear you’re a dyke. Um, still. Like you always were.
Poppy: You should have told me that. I could have saved five thousand dollars.
This is the last image I took before uploading Chapter One of the Chronicles to the internet.
Everything after this image happened in a world where I knew this shit would be seen by people.
Make of that what you will.
It must be nice to be directly confronted with your mortality every time you open the front door.
If only there was a roughly bed-shaped object nearby that would do in a pinch! IF ONLY.
Of course, there’s also a BED. In your DORM ROOM. You STUPID BITCH.
She’s still cute though.
Gabe: Hi Poppy! Going on a girrrrrl date? Ahahaha!
Poppy: Lick my asshole, asshole.
Gabe: What? What? I’m going to pretend you said something funny and awesome, because that was just disgusting. AHAHAHA YOU’RE FUNNY AND AWESOME POPPY I’M GLAD WE HAD THIS SAFE-FOR-WORK BANTER
Poppy: Somebody feminine, and pretty, and delicate like a flower.
Felicia: Shit. You should have said at least some of that a few seconds earlier.
Angel Boyle: Hi, my name is HOLY SHIT YOU’RE HOT
Poppy: Rowr! So is mine, baby.
Poppy: Leaning in a bit close, aren’t you, lady?
Felicia: I’m trying to see if I can smell the stink of sin on you.
Old people, am I right?
Oh, sure. Like you can read.
You know what, I take it back. You’re AWESOME.
Angel: Come on, let’s dance! Love is in the air!
It’s not the only thing in the air.
Wait, what? That’s not even a rival mascot. What are you doing? Are you just beating the shit out of some random dude?
Mascot: AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT
Angel: I’m so glad I met you, Poppy. This day can’t possibly get any better.
Oh. SHIT. You know what? You’re totally correct.
Nicholas: FUCKING ZOMBIES RUN FOR YOUR LIVES
The neighbourhood needs more people like you.
Gabe: Get your own macaroni, asshole.
What? Fights? Not brains? Who are you?
Daisy: So Ophelia exits stage right, and then… and then… and then suddenly this doesn’t seem as important as it did a few seconds ago.
Blazej: What? Fucking zombies? Again? That is not hot. That is not hot at all.
I share your distress!
No! Get back in the dorm! GET BACK IN THE DORM! I’m not going through this shit again!
Daisy: I don’t suppose we can talk this out?
Daisy and Mascot: HIGH FIVE!
Poppy: What’s happening? Is that my sister? What’s going on?
Blazej: In this dormitory, if something looks strange, you walk away. Now walk away.
Poppy: Get him, Daisy! You can do it!
Angel: Is that your sister? How strong is she? Can she win?
Yeah, Daisy! Can you win?
Daisy: What? Of course I can win! I trained with the best for just this situation!
No, Cecilia trained with the best for just this situation. Daisy’s a girly girl. Remember?
Daisy: …shit. SHIT. You’re right.
Daisy: I AM TOTALLY TRYING TO WIN THIS FIGHT
Angel: She’s totally trying to win this fight!
Poppy: I know, right?
Curtis: Better her than me.
Daisy: IN NO SENSE AM I THROWING THIS FIGHT
Angel: I AM CONFIDENT THAT DAISY IS TELLING THE TRUTH
Poppy: EVEN THOUGH THERE’S NO REASON FOR HER TO SAY THESE THINGS OUT LOUD
Wait… wait. What? WHAT? THAT’S KAYLYNN?!?!?!
…Kaylynn is trapped in a basement. Who let you out?
Kaylynn: Peter was way behind on his mayhem quota.
If it makes you feel any better, you would probably have gotten your ass kicked even if you hadn’t been trying to lose.
Daisy: That doesn’t make me feel any better at all.
Daisy: Well, there is an upside to this… apparently zombiism is beer goggles for other zombies.
Clarence: So, you’re a girl under there? Are you cute? Can I see?
Clarence: I THINK THERE WAS A FUNDAMENTAL MISUNDERSTANDING HERE SOMEWHERE
Angel: Poppy, I just want to say…
Poppy: Can it wait?
Angel: …that I’ve never felt like this before…
Poppy: I get the idea, it’s really nice, but see the thing is…
Angel: …and I was hoping to ask you…
Poppy: HOLY FUCK GIRL CAN WE RUN FROM THE ZOMBIES ALREADY
Daisy: That fucking rotten zombie BITCH. I promised myself nobody would ever get to do that to me. I’m the zombie killer. I kill zombies. They don’t fucking kill me!
Look on the bright side: your cover is secure.
Daisy: AND MY SKIN IS GREY AND SLOUGHING OFF.
I have it on good authority that it’s just a temporary condition.
Daisy: IT HAD DAMN WELL BETTER BE.
Poppy: What? They just walked around us? Why?
Ash: Look at the clothes that girl is wearing. Would you eat a steak sandwich wrapped in shit?
Poppy: But what about me?
Clarence: We’re homophobic too. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you, but you asked.
Poppy: You really are monsters.
Gabe: How now, ghost cow?
Poppy: Hey! What the fuck? Get off my girlfriend, you bastard!
Clarence: Sometimes the steak is worth it!
Poppy: Come on, Angel! You can do this! Choke him on your filthy shirt! Breathe in his face! Fart down his throat!
Kana: OH MY GOD ZOMBIES I’D BETTER RUN
You’re evolving right before my eyes!
Gabe: Save yourself, Laci III!
Ash: He’s kind to animals, I can’t kill a standup guy like that.
Hey, who’s the dead guy?
Ash: For fuck’s sake…
No, I mean… the one on the ground. In the urn.
What? WHAT? When did THAT happen? Aww, that’s too bad.
Angel: I’m twice the man you’ll ever be, girly boy!
Poppy: Score one for the lesbians!
This is the part where the triumphant hero gets a victory kiss with his girlfriend.
Some of the details have changed, but the general theme is intact.
Sorry, there was stuff going on with your sister that I needed to check out.
What? Are you cold? What?
Aren’t you worried, Poppy?
Poppy: Not really. Turns out my girlfriend is a complete and total badass.
You can’t overrate the value of that.
Alon: Hey rotface! Choke on your tongue and die!
Ash: -pisses himself-
Ash: -passes out-
Alon to the rescue!
Seriously, that was some well-timed scarage. Even the ghosts are badasses here.
This is a surprisingly good defense against zombies. Well done, Erin.
Wendy: Aaaa! -pisses herself a little- Sorry, that’s all I can muster. Between Cecilia and the zombies, you’re just not as scary as you used to be.
Curtis: There’s a zombie right behind you.
Wendy: AAAAAAAA! -pisses herself more-
Curtis: -steals a sloppy ghost cow kiss-
Ash: Okay, now what was I AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Alon: SEE YOU IN HELL YOU GREY BASTARD
Clarence: Don’t look at me, I haven’t got a ghost cow stalker!
Angel: What now? You gonna try to eat me?
Ash: I just… I don’t… I…
Ash: There’s no… should there be… I don’t have a pulse, right? I’m a zombie! I don’t need a pulse, right! I’m okay, right?
Ash: I’m okaaaaaauuuggh.
Alon, wherever you are… if you’d been this awesome when you were alive, you never would have died.
The Grim Reaper: MOVE ALONG PEOPLE. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
Curtis: I’M AN AWESOME GHOST TOO
Rishell: No! No you’re not!
I think Nicholas is just running on general principles now.
Deirdre Mace: Is this a good dorm to live in?
No, but it’s freaking PERFECT for dying in.
Curtis: I’m a ghostface KILLA. I’m the master of all I survey.
You just go on believing that.
Jess: They’re gonna kill you.
Clarence: They are not!
Jess: They’re gonna kill you.
Clarence: STOP SAYING THAT!
Deirdre: AAAAAAAAAAA I DON’T THINK I LIKE THIS NEW DORM
Deirdre: Oh my god! I pissed myself! How can I show my face in public now?
Don’t worry. You’ll fit right in.
Erin: Finally, a man I can relate to.
Deirdre: Alright, I’ve had a shower, I’ve changed my clothes, nobody saw me, everything’s fine now.
Deidre: EVERYTHING’S FINE NOW 🙂
Deirdre: NOOO INVISIBLE GHOST AAAAAAAAA
Yeah, that happens here.
That happens here A LOT.
It’s sort of a common occurence, is what I’m trying to say.
Poppy: Who died in here?
Kana: Look, if you think I need a shower, just say so.
Poppy: No, I mean, there’s an urn over there.
Rishell: Who died in here?
Kana: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I GET THE MESSAGE OKAY
Kana: Oh. Somebody actually did die. Okay. But who was it?
Search me. I’m starting to think I shouldn’t even be learning your names.
Looks like today has been a serious blow to the pants-pissing community.
Poppy: Alright, this shit has gone on for too long.
Poppy: I’m calling you out, Moptop McEatyBrains!
Clarence: I’m sleeping!
Poppy: Oh. Okay then.
Kitty: Poppy! So good to see you!
Deirdre: Hey Poppy! What’s going on?
Poppy: I bet this is what hell is like.
Conrad: Oh no! The tree is on fire!
Wendy: Quick! Let’s stand really close and let nature take its course!
Deirdre: NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE
You might as well just moth the flame and hope for the sweet release of death, girl. It doesn’t get any better.
Poppy: Hey, bitch? Got any mail for me?
Kitty: Sorry, I… what did you call me?
Poor Deirdre. Zombies, ghosts and fire are a lot to take in on your first day.
Kitty: HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE JUST LET THIS SHIT HAPPEN
Wendy: You get used to it after a while.
Kitty: I QUESTION THAT STATEMENT VERY STRONGLY
Wendy: OH MY GOD IT’S ON FIRE
Kitty: IT’S BEEN ON FIRE THIS ENTIRE TIME
Wendy: I HAVE ADD SO SUE ME
Kitty: WHAT’S THAT ABOUT ADDING?
Wendy: NO, I SAID I HAVE ADD! ACRONYMS JUST DON’T COME THROUGH PROPERLY IN ALL CAPS
WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY CAP? AND WHY SHOULD I SUE YOU FOR IT?
Okay, I’m cutting you fuckers off before you drive me insane. Here’s what you can expect from the next chapter: basement adventures, and a debilitating condition finally gets cured! But not the one you’re thinking of.