Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
The fifteen Maker’s Cut posts finally wrap up here, but never fear! There’s dozens more stretching away into the future, and quite a few are already uploaded. Don’t stop now, keep going! YOU’RE ALREADY DAMNED.
In the supersized Chapter Fourteen, the zombies took over Mount Noble University completely and moved back home to Pine Valley to corrupt the base neighbourhood.
So, good times.
Reed: Hoo-wah! Somebody left a good-looking corpse! Hey! It’s me!
Death becomes him.
Did you walk here? Like… all the way from your hill hole in Pine Valley?
Don: Are you kidding? With this limp? I took the bus.
And nobody commented on that?
Don: Are you kidding? Have you seen the kinds of people who ride on the bus?
Chelsea: Who’s that over there?
That over there is nobody. Eyes forward, walk briskly.
Reed: My god… such an absolute vision of beauty…
Falling for Noelle, eh?
Reed: What? No, she’s fucking ugly. I just like her hat.
Tristen: Hmm, yes… perfect. Just what I’m looking for.
Sharlene: What was it? What was she looking at? I MUST HAVE IT!
Or rather, stereotypes.
Hi, other Brandi!
Brandi: Hi, invisible sky fairy.
I see we’re still running a home for refugee students.
Jerome: I’ve got frostbite! 🙂
Good for you!
Back in all her glory! Well, most of it. She needs to lose the undershirt.
Chelsea: This better?
It feels strange to be simultaneously so strongly attracted and so strongly repelled by the same picture…
Jerome: Jeez, are you still making fun of Chelsea’s looks? Get over yourself, dude.
Cecilia: I’m still not clear on why I need to be naked for this.
Neil: And if I have my way, you never will be.
Neil: That’s it! Stretch those groin muscles!
Neil: Strengthen those slender young legs!
Neil: Push out those thighs!
Neil: COME ON! PUT YOUR VAGINA INTO IT!
Victoria: I’m so glad they’re bonding.
TOO MUCH BONDING! TOO MUCH BONDING!
Neil: My little girl. Are you ready for your first test?
Cecilia: I am, father.
Cecilia: Okay, Ollie. So this is my secret zombie-killing room, attached to my private bathroom. It’s a secret room where I kill zombies.
Oliver: .oO(Stucco ceiling? What was she thinking?)
Cecilia: Okay! This is the part where you try to eat my brains and I kill you with an axe.
Oliver: Oh, honey! Why would I want to eat your brains, when I love you so?
Cecilia: Haha what
Cecilia: Noogie time!
I think you’re failing the test.
Both of you.
Now that’s just nasty.
Cecilia is losing my respect pretty quickly.
Cecilia: I’m not too proud of this either. I went through all the trouble of rewiring this thing, and the voltage still isn’t fatal?!
Oliver! SERIOUSLY! You’re a ZOMBIE! Attack her!
Oliver: Pillow attack!
I’m almost at a loss for words.
Oliver: I could seriously go for some cunnilingus, though, not gonna lie.
Man, security around this place sucks.
Cecilia: Teehee, your beard tickles!
Is he seriously not going to try to eat your brains?
Cecilia: He’s a tame zombie!
Is that even a thing?
Victoria: OH MY GOD! A ZOMBIE!
Finally! Here we go!
Oliver: You look lovely today, Mrs. Sharpe!
Victoria: Why, thank you, Oliver! You’re such a nice young man!
Oliver: Hey! General Sharpe! I heard about your offensive in SimKhandaq during the SimThird SimWorld SimWar. You’re my hero!
I am so disappointed right now that there are no proper words to express it.
Neil: I guess I misjudged you, Oliver. The test is off.
Um… Cecilia? The test is off?
Cecilia: What test?
Neil: Don’t bother, Cecilia. He wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Cecilia: I know, and it’s too bad really.
Cecilia: Because I don’t date pussies.
Oliver: Wait! What about all those friendship beads we were gonna string together?!
Cecilia: Just call me “unnatural selection,” baby!
The Grim Reaper: I SUPPOSE YOU THINK I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.
Neil: Oliver? Hey, Oliver? Your parents just called, and…
Neil: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE CECILIA NOW THEY’LL THINK THIS WAS MY FAULT
Cecilia: They’ve got like fifty kids, I bet you they don’t even notice.
Cecilia: Anyway, no point letting the rest of the afternoon go to waste!
Virginia: WAIT NO TAKE CECILIA INSTEAD I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!
The Grim Reaper: STOP TALKING IN ALL CAPS, THAT’S MY THING. AND YEAH, NO, I’M HERE FOR THIS DEAD ZOMBIE KID. PLEASE STEP OFF OF THE DEAD ZOMBIE KID, BY THE WAY, YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF THE BEAM GOES OFF WHILE YOU’RE STANDING THERE.
The Grim Reaper: SPEAKING OF WHICH… I WONDER WHAT’S KEEPING HER. DO YOU GUYS HAVE A TIN ROOF, BY ANY CHANCE?
Everyone mourns in their own way.
The Grim Reaper: WHILE I’M HERE… YOU ARE BOTH VERY OLD. YOU WANT THAT I SHOULD CHECK UP ON YOUR STATUS?
Neil: Oh, hmm, I think I left the faucet on. In a hotel. In Takemizu Village. I’ll be right back.
I’d say “you’ll be missed,” Oliver, but it would be a dirty dirty lie. I only wish you could have taken Victoria with you.
Victoria: So do I. So do I.
Cecilia: I like to pretend the ball is Oliver’s head and the holes are his eyes and mouth.
And what do you pretend the pins are?
Cecilia: Pins. What kind of a freak do you think I am?
Neil: Excellent. Everything’s going according to plan.
Neil: She’s a ruthless killer without concern for the opinions of others. She’ll be a prime candidate for survival in our post-zombieapocalyptic world. I have to call the Secretary of Defense and let him know that Operation Lawnmower is underway.
Neil: Seen Braindead?
You devious bastard.
Oliver: Goodbye, Cecilia!
Cecilia: Intentionally not looking!
Oliver: Goodbye, Cecilia.
Stephen: Is that a bottle? Do you got a widdle bottle? Do you got a widdle bottle, my widdle… my widdle…
Stephen: Right, right, Stewart. I was calling them by their numbers, but Stewart sounds right.
Stephen: Does Stewart want a bath? Does he? This is still Stewart, right? Does the other one look the same? Where is the other one?
I DON’T KNOW OKAY YOU HAVE TOO MANY FUCKING CHILDREN
Out for a jog, Nerissa?
Nerissa: I love jogging.
Sullivan: Oh, so you think he’s yours now, do you?
Shadow! I… pretty much forgot you ever existed.
Stephen: Here’s hoping this gives you some defining characteristics!
Well, so much for that idea.
Sullivan: You want I should snap your fucking neck and shit down the crack? Or you want to get the fuck off this lawn before I mow you into it?
She left immediately.
Franklin: They’re all the same, Yvonne.
Yvonne: I STILL WANT YOURS.
Stewart: Haha! Birthdays! Come on, dad, celebrate!
Stephen: Where’s the one with the weird hair and glasses?
Faith: Andrew doesn’t live here anymore!
Stephen: No, I mean… the kinda spiky hair, and the black frame glasses?
Faith: Kyle died a long time ago, daddy…
Stephen: Oh, I give up.
Stephen: I’m not fucking senile, if that’s what you’re implying…
Yvonne: Baby all weady to gwow up?
Leonard: -gets hang time off the ceiling-
Isn’t that ceiling bad ass, by the way?
Stephen: Get that shit out of my face Jesus Christ
Yvonne: NO! BAD BABY! GET OFF THE WINDOW FRAME!
Cecilia: I had a great time on our date, Oliver, so I got you this Bust of Tylopoda!
1. Oliver is dead, 2. You murdered Oliver, 3. A Bust of Tylopoda?!
Oh well. It’s a nice centrepiece for our new Zombie Flambé Foyer, whose functionality is on a strict need-to-know basis.
Meanwhile, we find Brandi in her customary position.
Brandi: Oh, ha ha.
I just meant you smell the flowers a lot.
Brandi: Well. Okay then.
While people are fucking you in the ass, that is.
Andrew: This… isn’t right. I need to break up with Chelsea before I go any further with you.
Brandi: We could just kill her and tell everyone she was a zombie.
Andrew: …you and I, and possibly the police, need to talk later.
Sheba: -rolls around in the residue of Brandi’s hotness-
Andrew: I LOVE YOU CHELSEA BUT WE WEREN’T MEANT TO BE TOGETHER! I HOPE WE CAN ALWAYS BE FRIENDS! D:<
Chelsea: Why are you yelling?!
Andrew: BECAUSE THERE’S NO “BREAK UP AMICABLY” OPTION!
Chelsea: When I stole you from my sister I thought we were forever!
Seriously? What am I missing here?
Chelsea: I’m the one who’s gonna be missing something! I’m gonna be missing the feel of his beard on my p-
MOVING RIGHT ALONG.
Andrew: Wanna go on our honeymoon instead of getting married?
Brandi: It would make certain theoretical future legal proceedings go smoother!
Make sure you declare any zombies you might have at customs. They really nail you if you get caught.
Andrew: Your hips should be out to here.
Brandi: Your muscles should be out to here.
Desk Clerk: Maybe they won’t see me…
Andrew: You’re not going to turn out to be my sister or anything, are you?
Brandi: Jeez, I hope not. You guys do not have a great life expectancy.
Naked redhead vacation townie to the rescue!
Alright, I’ve gotta ask… where the fuck are you going?
Tiffany Hurt: Yoga.
Okay. We have got to get away from this hotel.
Aww, look, a beige panda!
Brandi: Very funny.
It talks, too!
The Unsavoury Charlatan: What?
That… isn’t a zen garden.
Andrew: And this isn’t a rake.
Andrew: I wanted to visit beautiful Takemizu Village, the jewel of southeast SimAsia. I wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient culture… and then steal from them.
Back at the hotel, shit is getting OUT OF HAND.
And OUT OF CLOTHES.
Whitney Seavey: Hey, man, just… chill out, man. Feel the groove.
Michelle Byall: Yeah, I mean, just… like… ride the wave, man.
Whitney: Embrace the energy, man.
Kampol Johnson: NAKED CHICKS EVERYWHERE! SCORE!
At least there’s one sane person here, even if he is a pervert.
Oh, yuck. No. Just no.
Marie Guevara: The human form is beautiful, oh Maker.
Caryl Dennis: You’re just disgusted because society tells you to be.
No, I’m disgusted because you’re old and gross.
Yes, THIS. See this? THIS is a GOOD reason to be naked.
Andrew: Whoah, hey, gramps. Beauty before age, alright? I’m fucking parched.
Wise Old Man: …
Wise Old Man: Whatever. Nobody comes here anymore. You’ll have to do.
Andrew: Is this gonna be about how you beheaded all those SimChinese in the SimSecond SimWorld SimWar? Because I just ate.
Gotta include some scenery. It’s a vacation tradition!
Kelly Leelaporn: Something looks different about you, Vanessa. Is it your makeup?
Vanessa Centowski: -disappears below the surface-
Vanessa Chen: What about my makeup?
Kelly Leelaporn: Not you, you SimJapanese devil-woman. The other Vanessa.
Vanessa Centowski: -reappears, having rescued a dolphin from a fisherman’s net-
Knut Alioto: -Bigfoot in disguise-
Andrew: SHIT! Earless SimJapanese Rape Llama!
Ninja: You are very wise and very persistent to have found me, Andrew Murphy.
Andrew: Let’s go with that, sure.
Ninja: I told this old dude how to teleport, and he never fucking does it.
Andrew: Really? What a tool!
Ninja: I bet he even dies because he forgets he can do it!
Andrew: A few chapters from now, even!
Old Man Earless Snoutless Rape Llama: The coast is clear! Time to rape!
Ninja: Alright, now let’s see you do it.
Andrew: What, rape?
Ninja: What? NO! That was a throwaway gag!
Andrew: Well, okay, but if you throw away the gag it makes it a lot harder to get away with rape, doesn’t it?
Yes, I strongly considered not making that joke. But it’s just too clever.
Don’t rape. It’s bad.
How’d your first teleport go?
Andrew: Great! …you saw it, didn’t you?!
Sure! Next pic!
LOOK OUT IT’S COMING DOWWWWN
Sunny: Hi, honey. I’m home.
William: Hi… mmf… Sunny… um… mmmffmfm… just let me… get a better look at you…?
William: HOLY SHIT YOU’RE A ZOMBIE.
William: Don’t make me do this, honey! I’ve been trained by the SCIA!
Sunny: What? Since when?
William: Since I graduated! They gave me a free machine gun and everything!
William: Oh, you LOSE, big girl!
Sunny: As far as cages go, a garage with an unlocked garage door is not very effective.
William: I wasn’t trying to cage you. I was trying to stall you. I left my machine gun in the bedroom.
Sunny: William! No! Don’t! I love you!
William: It’s for your own good, Sunny. And by that I mean I don’t want you eating my fucking brains.
Sunny: Hey, but you’ll get holes in your wall! You don’t want that, do you?
William: It’s stucco, and I’ve got paint. Nobody’s gonna notice.
Sunny: I’M THIRSTY
So drink that potion!
Sunny: I WANT A GUN
So get your own!
Sunny: I’M CHOKING MYSELF
Sunny: I’m praying!
Sunny: I LOVE THIS CARPET
So caress it!
Sunny: I’M ALMOST OUT OF THIS PICTURE
So stand up!
Sunny: I’M DYING
William: Killing her was bad enough, did you have to do that Pic Misrepresentation Theatre thing on top of it?
Well, the killing part was actually your doing. I just wanted to join in the fun!
The Grim Reaper: OH, COME ON. SHE’S NOT TOTALLY DEAD YET! LOOK, HER EYES ARE OPEN AND HER HEAD TURNS TO FOLLOW ME WHEN I MOVE. AM I THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHO’S PLAYED RESIDENT EVIL?
William: So the zombies killed my girlfriend…
William: Would you call the zombies… the villains of this particular storyline?
William: Dude! The villain killed my girlfriend! I’m totally James Bond now!
Please. James Bond never fucked half as many girls as you have.
Sunny: We’ll meet again!
Don’t know where, don’t know when!
Sunny: But I know we’ll meet again…
Some Sunny day!
Hey Chelsea, who’s that with you?
Chelsea: One of my stalkers.
Oh. Should I call the cops?
Chelsea: Hell no! He costs me twelve-fifty an HOUR.
William’s raw animal magnetism is a wonder to behold. It blew her outerwear off the moment he touched her.
William: You can stay over tonight, if you want to. I murdered the person who usually sleeps on that side.
Hey, Kendal. What’re you doing here?
Kendal: William invited me. He even said I could bring a friend!
And you chose him?
That wouldn’t even make sense if he wasn’t a zombie!
William: JESUS CHRIST, KENDAL! THAT’S NOT A FRIEND! THAT’S A ZOMBIE! ZOMBIES ARE NOT FRIENDS, KENDAL!
You left your rifle on the KITCHEN FLOOR?
William: I’m pretty sure the squirrels don’t know how to work it yet.
You’ve got squirrels in your house?!
William: Not for long, now that I’ve got a rifle!
What’re you doing?
William: Working out to William’s phat beats!
Sharing his first name is not the same as owning all his stuff, dude.
William: Stay back, Kendal. Get into my bedroom, and lock the door. And take off all your clothes. And maybe start pleasuring yourself. I’ll make sweet love to you once I’m done destroying this foul beast of the underworld.
Kendal: Oh, William! -swoons-
What were you doing in the junk room?
William: Getting a fresh magazine for my rifle.
You keep your spare magazines in the junk room?
William: Not usually, but the raccoons have been stealing them.
You have raccoons in your house?!
William: They’re in a turf war with the squirrels.
Kendal: I wonder what the foul beast of the underworld he was talking about is. All I saw was my best friend William.
William the Lesser: I thought we were name buddies!
William: Too bad that’s not a thing, eh?!
William: Blast! Kendal, get back inside! You’re spoiling my aim with your delectable curves!
William: Come in #26, your time is up!
William: Alright, I’m walking away all cool-like now. This is the part where you explode.
William: Is he doing it? Is he exploding?
Parts of him are moving away from the other parts…
William: Thank you for playing along.
Any time, buddy. Any time.
The Grim Reaper: PERHAPS I SHOULD JUST GIVE YOU A PAGER, AND WE CAN WORK THESE VISITS OUT AHEAD OF TIME.
William: .oO(I wonder what her problem is.)
But he knows the solution.
I hear women have so many friends so you can shoot some of them to impress them.
Whatcha lookin’ at, William?
William: Kendal’s poor choices gave me an idea. I’ve been going through my little black book from university and inviting the zombies over; I just called Meredith Schweber, and she said she was bringing a friend. What is with these bitches and their friends?
I just told you in the last joke.
William: Except that was a joke. I was talking about reality.
Have you been looking at your reality very closely? Because it looks like a joke to me.
William: Yeah, zombies and serial killers and rape llamas. Hell of a joke, dude.
Thanks, I try.
William: Seriously? Have they started a Zombie Buddies program in the local schools, or what?! Why is everyone friends with a zombie?!
They’re really gregarious?
William: They’re really rapacious!
Hey, good word!
William: Teeheehee ahahahaha stop it! Oh, if Kendal wasn’t here I’d fuck you silly right here in the snow.
William, that’s Jan Bransfield. She’s a teen.
William: Oh, dude. HOT.
Jack Thompson: -stirs-
William: Dammit kid, cut it out! You made me drop my assault rifle!
Um, pick it up? Zombie behind you?
William: I’m not worried, she’s pretty slow. I hear she got her head smashed through a wall at university.
William: One last kiss, for old times’ sake, before I blow your brains out.
William: No, false alarm. Shh.
William: Awesome! I love moving targets!
Don’t help or anything…
William: WOO! Catfight!
That is one BOUNCY teen.
William: YOU’RE telling ME!
William: Excellent work, lassie. You looking for an apprenticeship? Or maybe you’ve got an older sister?
William: Anyways, it’s Swiss cheese time.
Jan: I can’t look!
Jan: …okay fuck it, yes I can. WOO! DIE BITCH! DIE!
Jan: That is SO HOT. I can’t wait to grow up and screw his brains out.
Enough of this, okay?
Jan: CHOKE ON YOUR SUFFERING!
Meredith sinks slowly into the pristine white snow.
William: Yeah, about that. Blood?
You’re asking too much of me. Most people don’t even have assault rifles.
William: God forbid.
I certainly did!
The Grim Reaper: COULD I BORROW A DRAWER, MAYBE KEEP SOME OF MY STUFF IN THERE? STICK AROUND FOR A FEW WEEKS? BECAUSE THIS COMMUTE FROM THE UNDERWORLD IS A BITCH, I DON’T MIND TELLING YOU.
Kendal: What’s all the racket out here? Is someone playing laser tag?
You guys should seriously hear the sounds that fucking gun makes.
In fact you really should.
Kendal: Oh! Oh my god, William… you killed this poor girl?
Kendal: TAKE ME NOW, SEX GOD!
William: Well… that’s three down…
Meredith: Fifty to go!
This used to be Sunny’s room, for when William was “entertaining” in the master bedroom. Now it’s just full of all the career reward objects he got from applying after his graduation. Since he’s pretty steady in the SCIA now, he probably won’t be collecting any more.
He’ll be collecting corpses now.
After all that death, let’s go out on a happy cheesecake note.
Speaking of going out… will you go out with me? No, wait. What I meant to say, like I said at the beginning, is that we’ve reached the end of the Maker’s Cut editions! The next five updates are carefully edited to match them, and after that everything’s more or less the way I first shat it out. Hopefully that’s not a bad thing.
Will William be able to end the zombie apocalypse? Tune in next time to find out!
Comments are always welcome on any entry, no matter its age, and all comments will likely be responded to.
You’ve been warned!