In which no jokes about Penny’s name will come to me, no matter how hard I try.
Penny: Try-harding is the death of coming.
Penny: You know, this place almost works, architecturally!
Penny: I said almost.
Brooke: Hey, old man!
William: Hey, old girl!
Brooke: …I’m not old.
William: Well, neither am I, so I assumed we were doing a thing.
William: Hey, baby, do my thing.
William: IS WHAT I INTEND TO SAY TO PENNY, MY NEW GIRLFRIEND, IF SHE EVER ARRIVES
Penny: Nice catch.
Victor: So, it’s the money, right?
Victor: You want him for his money, right?
Penny: There are more important things to life than money, kid.
William: Yeah, there’s dick!
Penny: There certainly is.
Andrea: WE SAID NO DICK TALK IN THE DINING ROOM!
Andrea: So hey, what’s YOUR WIFE up to, right now?
William: If I don’t KNOW, she’s not much of a WIFE, now, IS she.
Andrea: I’m just thinking maybe you don’t want to make an enemy of an axe-murderer.
William: So, you’re saying I haven’t properly explained your mother to you, then?
Andrea: And what’s this I hear about you consorting with witches?
William: It’s okay! She’s a mysterious woman from my PAST! That’s NEVER a problem.
William: Look. I’m an elderly Lothario in a magical realism comedy-drama. There is NOTHING I can do, romantically, which won’t end in hilarious disaster.
Penny: Look at you! All grown up.
Victor: Don’t infantilize me in front of my GIRLFRIEND!
Brooke: Don’t girlfriend me in front of anybody.
Victor: Oh, well, okay, yeah! All grown up. Come into the bathroom for a sec and I’ll show you.
Confidence: There is already coming in the bathroom.
Victor: So, you’re dating my dad, huh?
Penny: That’s about the size of it.
Victor: Your dating my dad is about the size of it, huh?
Penny: How’s the size of your it?
Penny: This is, like, the House of Anti-Jerome.
Victor: Oh, yeah, I heard about that! Congrats on ruining that dude’s self-confidence by sleeping with, of all people, multiple Murphies.
Nick: I feel all tingly inside. And outside.
Confidence: It’ll pass. That’s just your body reacting to all the concentrated evil in the room.
Nick: So hey, wanna play erection pool?
Nick: In our erection… pool…?
Nick: Nothing old can stay.
Wow! That’s some INCREDIBLE ventriloquism, dude!
Andrea: What do you think his overall plan is?
Andrea: He’s gonna MARRY her?!
Brooke: I don’t think he likes fucking his OWN wives…
William: Mason and I have something to show you.
William: I thought about calling him “Crag,” or “Craig,” but I couldn’t find a good middle ground between too subtle and not subtle enough.
Penny: I’m surprised you’re even capable of subtlety.
William: Mother nature certainly didn’t give me reason to develop it.
William: But then, spies ARE trained to do unexpected things.
William: Penny, Captain Sparkles and I have been talking.
Penny: This does not surprise me.
William: We’ve decided to welcome you to the Ringers Club.
William: Will you marry me?
Penny: Will! I’ll marry you!
William: THAT WAS SO CLEVER
William: I might have divorced you if you’d said something less clever.
Penny: We’re not even married, yet.
William: I’d have gone through with the marriage just to go through with the divorce. Non-cleverness deserves truly baroque punishment schemes.
Penny: When do I get a statue?
William: Whenever I figure out where all the other ones went.
Arcadia: YES, THE SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE HAS TO PEE SOMETIMES
William: Let’s strike while the rings are hot.
Neila Sharpe the Witch: And the ground is-
Brooke: OH GOD OH GOD
Victor: I DIDN’T KNOW COLD COULD HURT
William: Where’s Uma?
Victor: Uma’s coming.
Did your neck just break?
Uma: BUT THE POWER OF ATTRACTION REPAIRED IT.
Uma: DON’T WRECK THE WEDDING
Alright, say your vows.
William: I vow to have sex with you no less than I have sex with any other individual person.
Penny: That’s a big step, for you!
Penny: I vow to maybe be faithful to you.
William: “Maybe,” huh.
Penny: No, lower-case “maybe.”
William: Captain Sparkles will read his own vows to you later.
Neila Sharpe the Witch: That’s a reference to sex.
Uma: Everything is a reference to sex.
Brooke: Speaking of..
Andrea: Yeah, I’m having trouble standing STILL.
Nick: What’s the point of living in orgy haus if the orgies get interrupted by stupid SOCIAL FUNCTIONS?
Do you, William Stephen Sharpe, promise to have, and hold, the hot chick in front of you?
William: Emphasis on the having, yes.
Do you, Penelope Diana Spring-
Penny: I promise.
William: Thanks, PENELOPE.
Neila Sharpe the Witch: And thanks everybody else, for not making any hat comments.
Brooke: BOOYAH, BOYCUT!
You may now oh, you’re already doing it.
William: No, doing it comes LATER.
Penny: We’re BOTH coming LATER, buddy.
William: I’m old and infirm. How do you know I’m not coming right now?
I now pronounce you-
– and grossed.
William: More like ENGROSSED!
Penny: Couldn’t wait FIVE SECONDS, could you.
William: My dick is cold, let’s get out of here.
William: CAPTAIN! WAIT FOR MEEEEEE!
Brooke: AIR RAID
Brooke: I wonder if there’s a way to weaponize that.
Brooke: No, Captain Sparkles.
I’d argue it’s already been weaponized.
You guys go on inside, I’ll catch up with you tomorrow.
Next time: the rich idle.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 23 February 2013.