The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 482

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which two are had and held.

Yvonne: I hope none of them are that guy.

Yvonne: Hey, that guy.
Chuck: My name is Chuck.
Yvonne: That was a joke from last chapter.

Chuck: No, it’s my name from my name!

Chuck: Anyway I just came to confirm that you assholes are here, so I can narc on you to ENTROPY for that sweet, sweet reward which probably isn’t death.

CONK

Yvonne: If you’re willing to settle for death, though, I can spare you a trip.

GLURK

Chuck: GLURK

CONK

Yvonne: Teach you to reject my flirts. And also plot our destruction.

Faith: Don’t stand in the death trail, honey.

Yvonne: Remember: it can’t be a thousand-yard stare if you point it at the ground.

Yvonne: Unless you’re flying.

Tucker: I suddenly have a renewed sense of the importance of life!
Faith: Yeah, Yvonne will do that to you. When she does what she does to other people.

Tucker: Man, even rain can’t make this spot less romantic!
Faith: What about death?
Tucker: Meh. Death is no big thing, when you’re from space. Did you know space is almost one hundred percent deadly?

Faith: I’m starting to like this immaculately-curated cemetery we live in.

Yvonne: It’s not bad, eh? Unlike me.

Tucker: Your sister’s pretty bad.
Faith: If you start thinking she’s not, tell me. Immediately.

Tucker: …she’s naked.
Faith: Literally nothing to see there you can’t see on me.

Faith: Let me put my me on you.

Faith: I can’t believe there’s still things like that to say which haven’t been said already.

Faith: Stop looking at her.
Tucker: But she’s-
Faith: STOP LOOKING AT HER.

Tucker: I CLOSE MY EYES WHEN I KISS

Tucker: And maybe when I fuck?

Tucker: Not that the local privacy level permits fucking.

Faith: Turn around, and guess what that porcelain sculpture over there says about our current standards for privacy vis-á-vis bodily functions.

Tucker: Ew.

Tucker: I mean ew! I mean not ew.

Tucker: Yep! I close my eyes, alright.

Faith: This is definitely an eye-closing experience!

Faith: God dammit, Yvvy.

Yvonne: He’s too late, I’ve already damned it myself.

Yvonne: I am the “it” to which I am referring.

Tucker: She’s quite the “it” girl, alright.

Faith: Ugh.

Tucker: IT WAS NO WORSE THAN ANY OTHER REFERENCE

Tucker: The ocean and I have a question for you.

Faith: I didn’t know you knew the ocean!
Tucker: I knew you in the ocean!
Faith: That’s true.

SPLASH

Faith: OH MY GOD!
Yvonne: HE’S SPLASHING THE QUESTION!

Tucker: Will you marry me?
Faith: Is that Tucker talking, or the ocean?

Faith: Fuck it, I’ll take you both.

Tucker: One of these days we’re gonna slip and fall and break our necks and drown.
Faith: That’s a lovely wedding vow.

Yvonne: So, who should I kill as a wedding gift?

Yvonne: I guess I could stop killing. As a wedding gift.

Or be the gift!

The gift that keeps on killing.

Tucker: You guys have, like, precisely the same body.
Faith: And since you’re thinking it, no, that is not sufficient excuse for “accidentally” having sex with my sister.

Tucker: Aw, we can read each other’s thoughts!

Tucker: Yours are scary.

And now, a marrial at sea.

Do you, Tucker Fuckman, take-

Tucker: That’s not my last name.
Faith: Whew! I definitely didn’t want it to be mine.

Alright, whatever, skip the vows and slip the rings.

Faith: Water weddings are fast!

I now pronounce you Eb and Flo.

You may kill the husband.

Faith: If this kills him…
Tucker: …it’ll be worth it.

Faith: How big a ballsack do you need to support a dick that big?
Tucker: There’s a chart somewhere.

Tucker: I left it on my spaceship.

Faith: You married a beach bum. You don’t have a spaceship.
Tucker: I don’t? WHO STOLE MY SPACESHIP?!

Faith: Don’t look, Yvonne.
Yvonne: I’m not, but it’s not like I can’t hear you!

Faith: Hearing is okay.

Faith: UNGAUNGAUNGAUNGA
Tucker: HOWBWOWBWOWOWOOOOOO
Yvonne: HEARING IS NOT OKAY

Yvonne: Are you both having a heart attack?

Yvonne: I heart your attack.

I wish Lance could see what’s possible with a Maxis skintone.

‘cuz I mean, look at that.

Tucker: It’s not really Maxis, anyway. Maxis don’t got tits.

Tucker: Or, I guess, nips.

Tucker: Nipples and tits.

Nipples and tits!

Tucker: I’m going to get me some nipples and tits!

Tucker: And keep them.

Tucker: My everything is wet.

Tucker: My everything is wet.
Faith: Oh.

Faith: Well, I guess I don’t need to ask if you had pleasant dreams, then.

Tucker: Spacemen dream of electric space-sheep.

Tucker: Which isn’t pleasant at all. The buzzing. The baa-ing!

Tucker: Is there a name for this aesthetic we’re building?

Beachpunk?

Beachbumpk?

Tucker: I like beachbumpk.

Faith: I just like bums.

Yvonne: I just like unconsciousness.

It’s pretty great.

Faith: You know, it’s probably racist for you to wear that.
Tucker: I’m not racist, I’m spacist!

Tucker: Now excuse me while I make you attractive.

Faith: I’m gonna have a hard time excusing that phrasing.

Tucker: If you can’t excuse phrasing, you and I are gonna have a hard time together.

Tucker: Not that I’m averse to hard times with you!

Tucker: That was a reference to sex.
Faith: Everything is a reference to sex.

Tucker: You know, it’s probably racist for you to wear that. Skin.

Faith: Tucker is a dog’s name.

Yeah.

Yvonne: Hey, sweet!
Faith: Don’t call me sweet.

Yvonne: Wait, you’re tanned too?
Faith: It’s almost like we have the EXACT SAME SKINTONE and it’s the EXACT SAME AGE and it’s been in the EXACT SAME SUN for the EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF TIME!

Yvonne: And we’re attracted to the exact same your husband.

Yvonne: Only I have the benefit of being dangerous.

Faith: To yourself, too, perhaps.

Faith: Certainly to the plumbing.

Next time: outliers.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 6 January 2013.

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