The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 479

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which I haven’t had a productive day in, like, weeks?

Unless you count illustrations for a book which I also haven’t been productive on as… productive.

Neil: I WOULDN’T PRODUCE HER

I’m feeling generous, so I’ll let you take a second swing at that.

Neil: I WOULDN’T REPRODUCE WITH HER!

Very slightly better than nothing, I guess.

Jeannie: I don’t think so, personally.

Ally: WELP IT WAS A GOOD CHAPTER

Ally: OH NO, SPARKS IN MY SPARK PAN!

Ally: I require medical attention.
Laci: Oh, no doubt!

Ally: It’s never too late to learn first aid!
Laci: Sometimes it is.

Ally: Call the doctor for me?
Laci: No, but thanks for asking!

Laci: Maybe you should actually attend to your needs?
Ally: I would, but my creator sleeps in until three in the afternoon and hasn’t written a word on his dissertation in ages, so my sense of what I need to do is wildly skewed!

Laci: Well, have a nice death, then.

Ally: Thank you for your concern.

Ally: I’m gonna go to dead.

Ally: I mean dead.

Ally: I mean behhhhhdddddd

Laci: I knew what you meant.

Laci: You should’ve just gone.

Laci: But! She’s an idiot, so.

Gonna call someone?

Laci: No, I’m social distancing.

Laci: I’m also failure distancing.

Laci: Well hello there, hot stuff?
Ally: you’re not so bad myself

Neil: What happened to the warden?
Laci: She looked outside and saw the towers weren’t properly visible, shit herself and passed out.

Fucking hell, Past Grugly. All you need to do is hit Page Up a few times.

Laci: Can we sex, or is the boss too busy hating himself?

Neil: We can sex regardless.

Ally: Murder is bad.

Laci: I don’t know where she’s getting that bullshit from.

So yeah, I’m making a ton of progress on illustrations for Charnel Knowledge.

I’d show you except that ha ha, all the good ones are, like… porn.

And this story’s more about nonsense than porn, at present.

Laci: We can fix that.

Neil: I asked her not to use the word “fix” while she’s got my dick in her hand, but.

Neil: When she’s gonna put it in her mouth, well, I can’t very well tell her what not to spit out, now, can I?

Laci: That was…
Neil: The weirdest thing I’ve ever said?
Laci: The grossest thing you’ve ever said.

Elle: As opposed to the grossest thing you’ve ever done…

Laci: Oh, this isn’t even close.

Laci: BUT THIS IS A CONTENDER

Capslock is cruise control for Chronicles.

Laci: HAHAHA IT IS

I don’t actually use capslock, though.

Neil: NOBODY CARES

Laci: Yay, I just orgasmed to “NOBODY CARES”
Neil: NOBODY CARES!

Nobody does.

Ally: I care, but only in the sense that I was planning to cook with that later.

Ally: Not so much now, though.

Ally: So! Most uncomfortable chair in the world: this chair?

Laci: You’re so romantic!
Neil: I’d go with “so-so,” personally.

Laci: If I were being honest, I wouldn’t even go that far.

Meanwhile, Neil goes much too far.

As is his wont.

Elle: I don’t know what a “wont” is, but here is a plate of charcoal.

Laci: Nobody wonts that.

Laci: Hey, fuckhead!

And then she fucked his head.

Laci: It was like that long before I got to it.

Like fuckhead, like fuckhead.

Neil: Is Ally miserable?
Laci: Yes.
Neil: That’s all I need to not be, honestly.

Laci: It’s good to be honest about what a jerk you are.

Laci: If only you’d made that your policy before we were married.

Neil: Oh, were we married?

Neil: Hey, honey. Yeah, sorry, just talking to some broad who thinks she knows me.

Neil: And has nice tits.

Laci: I think you’re finally going senile.
Neil: I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life.

Laci: Oh lord.

Fantastic drum bit that’s the only good part of that song

Laci: Unlike our marriage, which had no good bits.

Neil: My bits felt pretty good throughout.

Laci: I’m glad I eventually threw his bits out.

Dagmar: I prefer to stick ’em in.

Dagmar: What’s your record for chaining pun captions?

Not in any danger of being broken, thanks to your interruption.

Neil: Hey baby!
Dagmar:
Neil: Hey honey!
Dagmar:

Dagmar: I just didn’t want to respond to either of those.

Cleaning up?

Laci: Wiping toilet water all over everything.

…why?

Laci: Because I’m the one who has to clean the showers, and I want to pre-punish anyone who makes that necessary.

Neil: I’m right here, Dagmar. The swooning guy?

Dagmar: Neil! How nice to see you!
Neil: How nice to finally see me, you mean!

Dagmar: Suddenly it’s not nice anymore.

FOOMPF

Neil: STOP WALKING AT NON-ELDER SPEEDS

FOOMPF

Neil: YOU’RE GONNA MAKE ME PUT MY BACK OUT

foompf

Neil: Running… out… of juice…

fipf

Neil: And that’s all she foompfed, I’m afraid.

Laci: She was lucky to get three foompfs out of him, at his age.

Neil: Look, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye…
Dagmar: Because you’ve been staring at my tits.
Neil: Which I am doing right now, yes, point taken.

Neil: But I don’t think we should let my being terrible stand in the way of how great we’d be together!
Dagmar: You’d still be terrible, though.
Neil: Yes, but within the greatness!

Laci: I wonder how long I have to suffer His Greatness to live.

Not very long, he’s about to have a heart attack.

Neil: Running towards sex is always healthy running.

Dagmar: I’m not having sex with you in the warden’s office.
Neil: What about the warden’s bedroom, then?
Dagmar: Ally will smack you.
Laci: Right in the kisser!

Neil: Dagmar, let me tell you something. I was married to the all-time-champion Neil-smacker. Ally couldn’t hit harder than Victoria if she were a super-hero.

Dagmar: I ALWAYS FORGET YOU WERE MARRIED TO SOMEONE COOL

Neil: She wasn’t that cool.
Dagmar: She wasn’t?
Neil: She’d have been resurrected by now, if she were.

Ally: Yeah, nothing but cool resurrectees ’round here.

Laci: I’m cool!

Laci: I’m not cool.

Next time: the old man and the motion of the ocean.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 5 January 2013.

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