The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 467

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which THERE ARE NO CROPPED PICS.

I had to work for it, too, which makes it all the sweeter!

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: I get it! You need to be the change you want to see in the world!

Boo Bradley: .oO(I don’t want to be changed.)

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: Step side, Boo! I’m destroying Lance’s stuff, and I won’t let you sit in my way!

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: This is your final chance to turn out to be alive!

Boo Bradley: .oO(Get stuffed.)

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: I hope you bear me no ill will.

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: Bearwell.

Boo Bradley: .oO(Luckily I had the magic of perspective on my side!)

Boo Bradley: .oO(IT IS AN INCONSTANT ALLY)

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Apparently one teleport is a lot more not-mean than one fireball is mean.

Boo Bradley: It was a pretty weak fireball.

Alec Prince the Damned: Who’s weak? Lemme at ’em!

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Sure do love having to do this again every few hours!

Hesitating?

Alec Prince the Damned: These chicks keep kicking my ass.

I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Alec Prince the Damned: My ass?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Your ass isn’t gonna be fine, it’s gonna be mine.

Alec Prince the Damned: My ass is gonna be your ass?

Alec Prince the Damned: That doesn’t make any sense.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: HOW ARE YOU CLIMBING SO SLOWLY

Alec Prince the Damned: I think you owe me some gratitude. You’d never have become a witch, if it weren’t for me!
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Hang on, let me go get a cop and you can explain it to them.

Alec Prince the Damned: It would’ve been a crime NOT to transform you!
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: And in a much more not bullshit sense, none of that is true.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: You lying sack of bullshit.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: You made me watch a man melt into a sidewalk. That’s the kind of shit you can’t explain to a psychiatrist!

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: You kidnapped me and took me to a place called the Fortress of Very Dark and Bad.
Alec Prince the Damned: That’s not quite-
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: IT GETS THE POINT ACROSS

Alec Prince the Damned: I taught you magic!
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: YOU STOLE MY MEMORIES
Alec Prince the Damned: I gave you a cool outfit!
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: YOU STOLE MY CLOTHES

Alec Prince the Damned: And I do not regret that.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Anyway I burned all your stuff.

Alec Prince the Damned: Burn all your stuff, you say?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: All my stuff’s in Deborah’s house. You’d have to go see Deborah to burn it.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Unless you, like, burned Deborah, or something.

Alec Prince the Damned: I think I did, but she’s so boring I kinda forgot.

Alec Prince the Damned: Yep, yep, says it right here.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: He’s killing again?

Actually he’s mind-controlling other people into killing.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Distinction without a difference.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Does everybody know what time it is?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: DUEL TIME

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Little Tim Allen joke for the old folks out there.

Alec Prince the Damned: Tim Allen is a joke.

Alec Prince the Damned: Oh no, you cast a fine mist over me.

Alec Prince the Damned: Everything goes on floor now.

Alec Prince the Damned: Wait, what

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Asshole.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Glad I’ve been stockpiling materials.

Got enough to keep him at bay?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Indefinitely? No. Until he gets fed up? Well, he’s evil, and evil tends to get fed up pretty fast, so…

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Unfortunately, good is incompetent.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Everyone’s going over to the evil side. Evil’s like an infection. A sex infection. A non-sex infection? No, definitely sex. Everything around here is sex.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Why is everything around here sex?

Because the person playing your game is twenty-six.

I’m not saying he gets a lot better at thirty-four, mind you.

I just spent quite a lot of time drawing a naked woman covered in bubbles.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I don’t know what to bubble about that.

This image is a good representation of the mind of a teenager.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Please tell me-

It wasn’t a picture of you covered in bubbles, no.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I mean, this isn’t much better.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Hi. Brooke? We talked on messenger. You know, generic computer messenger? The kind we don’t have to pay to talk about?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: You can’t really help me, but I need to talk to someone because I’m stuck in this house while the world goes to shit.

HAHAHA THAT FEEL

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: There’s this FUCKING FUCKER trying to get all up in my grill.
Brooke: Can you kill him?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I’m gonna try!
Brooke: I hear it’s not illegal to kill fucking fuckers, especially capitalized ones. Capital… crime…? There’s a joke to be made there

Meh.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I also think I’m being used as fanservice.
Brooke: Which is funny, because most of the fans are probably women.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: So it’s not so much funny as… pointless, then.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: If it’s fanservice he’s going for, where’s the Doctor Who slashfic?

Brooke: He probably doesn’t know enough about Doctor Who.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Is that even possible? You’ve heard the shit he talks about.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: He knows enough not to write it as “Dr. Who”! I’ll bet he knows every fuckin’ nerd thing out there!

I am very poorly-informed about anime.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: ‘s fuckin’ cold in here.
Brooke: Put some clothes on?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: How can you tell I’m naked?
Brooke: Everybody basically always is.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Them’s some harsh other person’s home truths, sister.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Anything in here about protective wards? Preferably opaque ones?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I’m super not looking forward to having to repel this dude’s advances for, like, ever.

Yeah, being a woman always struck me as a raw deal.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Luckily, success breeds more success!

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I wonder.

What?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: If I cook all his stuff, will he stop coming by?

It might make him come by more often. Angrier.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I wonder.

What?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Can I cook him?

Boo Bradley: .oO(I doubt he’s nutritious.)

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Apello Simae.

Alec Prince the Damned: Holy bait-and-switch, Batman!

Alec Prince the Damned: Just goes to show, it’s hard to read a crazy mind.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Oh, you were reading my mind. I guess it’s true what they say about paranoia.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Paranoia helps you burn people alive.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Just a sec, I forgot the word.
Alec Prince the Damned: Sure, I’ll wait.

Alec Prince the Damned: So, this is, like, all my stuff.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I thought I’d gather the entire concept of you together in one place.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: And do this to it.

Alec Prince the Damned: I’ll conspire with this wise bird while we wait.

Unfortunately I didn’t care to look up the object’s name, so their conspiracy was easily thwarted.

Alec Prince the Damned: Why can’t I pick this up?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Because you don’t have inventory, Buy Mode or Build Mode privileges.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Because this ISN’T YOUR HOUSE. INFLAMMO!

Alec Prince the Damned: I’ll save you, Boo Bradley.
Boo Bradley: .oO(My prince!)

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Happy daylight burning!

Alec Prince the Damned: I’M SORRY BOO BRADLEY

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: He is sorry.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Think I got him?

No.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Yeah, me either.

Alec Prince the Damned: Had me fooled for a second.

Alec Prince the Damned: OR TWO

Alec Prince the Damned: …waaaaait a second. How’s that Harry Potter line go again?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: “Are you a witch or not?”
Alec Prince the Damned: That’s the one.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: It’s not not, let me tell you.

Alec Prince the Damned: STOP NOT STOPPING

Alec Prince the Damned: I can’t keep up with this!
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: If you can’t stand the heat, STAY OUT OF THE FUCKING FIRE

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: INFLAM-
Alec Prince the Damned: MATAíOSI

Alec Prince the Damned: What, didn’t read the chapter on counterspells yet?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: …I thought they were for counting stuff.

Alec Prince the Damned: Like exact minutes to failure?

Alec Prince the Damned: Mellifera Attackum. Assuming there’s still bees left in the world somewhere.

Alec Prince the Damned: Float like a wizard, sting with a bee!

Alec Prince the Damned: Or, you know, more than one.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: NOT THE BEES

Alec Prince the Damned: Later, honey.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: THE HIVES ARE EMPTY AND ALL THE BEES ARE HERE

Boo Bradley: You’d think nostalgia would burn faster than this.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: …did I just fight the Prince of Darkness to a draw?

It sounds impressive, but most fictional fights with the devil actually end this way.

Only with less burning beds.

♪ The time has come ♪

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: ♪ For the musical interlude ♪

♪ To say bear’s bear ♪

♪ To lose the deposit ♪

♪ To pay our share ♪

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Of fanservice.

♪ The time has come ♪

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: ♪ A bath’s a bath ♪

♪ Get your wand and then ♪

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: ♪ Let’s give ’em wrath

Next time: Blue Monday.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 26 December 2012 to 27 December 2012.

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