The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 436

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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IN WHICH I’M IN A HURRY

And I am the only one?

Laci: No time to talk, lady! No time to think up the dialogue.

Laci: You want the big house down the hall.

Nanette: This entire place is the big house.

Laci: It’s good to know zombies can still understand aphorisms.

Laci: If not directions.

Allie: mmmmf… oh yeah baby steal my baby…

Laci: I’m on a mission to empty all the refrigerators!

Why?

Laci: I dunno, everybody should have a mission.

YIKES.

Some transitions should NOT be captured.

At least, unlike TS3, this game HAS transitions.

It isn’t just a FUCKING SLIDESHOW.

Remind me to complain at length about TS3, it’s been festering in my mind for almost a year now.

Shit, I need to prepare an April Fools’ thing.

Shit.

Nanette: I’ve been trying to think up a clever attack phrase, but the Maker’s babbling got in the way.

Nanette: So I’m gonna go with RAR

Laci: .rar is a practical and well-established alternative to .zip!

Allie: She might have gone with RAR, but she got ZIP instead!

Allie: See? Good lines aren’t that hard.

Laci: You ladies want a drink? I lady want a drink.

Allie: I lady want dead lady stank off me.

Wow, even in a rush, I’ve still got it.

Nanette: Aren’t you worried people will get sick of your self-satisfaction?

I temper it thoroughly with self-loathing, so.

Nanette: They told me I could beat her.
Laci: You shouldn’t trust theys. Theys are always bad news.

Nanette: Maybe I can beat you.
Laci: I am also always bad news.

Nanette: My pride is injured. Also all my body parts.

Allie: Alright, new girl, time for your physical.

Laci: We who are about to kick ass salute you.
Allie: ♪ Sieg Heil to the President Gasman ♪
Laci: What?

Allie: ♪ BOMBS AWAY IS YOUR PUNISHMENT! ♪

Nanette: What’s she doing?
Laci: Bein’ drunk.
Allie: ♪ PULVERIZE THE EIFFEL TOWERS ♪

Allie: ♪ WHO CRITICIZE YOUR GOVERNMENT

Allie: Then he says a bad word.

Laci: One sympathizes.

Laci: YOU DIDN’T FIT THAT SONG IN VERY WELL

I’d been listening to it, and I figured hey, I’ll probably never fit it in very well, but then hey, Allie was all like “bombs” and I was in a rush and I went “Sure, okay.”

Allie: The crudity of your creative process disturbs me greatly.

Laci: OUR LIVES ARE IN THE HANDS OF A CALLOUS GOD

Nanette: GET YOUR CALLOUSES OFF ME

Nanette: Also get your torso out of my torso.

Allie: WHO’S GONNA CLEAN THIS UP IS MY QUESTION

Allie: OH, THE DUST…MANITY

Allie: I feel like I could’ve come up with something better than THAT.

ON A TIGHT SCHEDULE HERE

Laci: I’ll wrap it up then, shall I.

Laci: I took boxing lessons in hell.

Laci: And I was in hell for decades.

Nanette: You sent my tailbone there.
Laci: No, I just pulverized it.

Laci: Get her a drink while I get her a ticket home.

Allie: Drinks are for working stiffs, not just… stiffs.

Nantte: BOOBFACE

Laci: Little warning next time, Ceci…

Allie: WHO SENT YOU
Nanette: DEFINITELY NOBODY

Laci: My daughter has a funny idea of what a job reference looks like.

Laci: And my job reference has a funny smell.

Allie: Are you aware that I once beat up an entire university of zombies?

Nanette: I must have missed that well-known Allie Fact.
Allie: Check out Charnel Knowledge when it comes out this [GOD WHO KNOWS] for more details!

Laci: Or, you know, just read the chapters.

STOP UNDERMINING ME

Laci: Undermining is kind of my thing, though?

Allie: Kicking ass and taking shots is my thing.

Nanette: Is that lightning?
Laci: Yeah, it’s raining.

There’s only two pics showing evidence of it, but it was enough to make it into the chapter title.

Nanette: You wouldn’t shoot an unarmed woman!
Laci: I wouldn’t? That must be a source of great relief to you!

Laci: Oops, guess you’re not unarmed.

Nanette: OW, MY OWN LOGIC

Laci: FIRST DAY ON THE JOB, BITCHES

Allie: Excellent spread control, well done.

Nanette: WAIT I FORGOT TO SAY WHO SENT ME
Laci: BORRRRIIIIIING

The Grim Reaper: AH, THAT’S WHERE SHE GOT TO.

The Grim Reaper: FUCKIN’ ZOMBIES.

Allie: Well done.
The Grim Reaper: COULD’VE SHOT-CLUSTERED BETTER.

Allie: I’m sorry I doubted you.
Laci: You are sorry.

Allie: Would you like to be my deputy warden?
Laci: A meaningless promotion in title at a dying institution? Yes, please!

Allie: God, is it dying already? It’s only been-
The Grim Reaper: A HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SEVEN CHAPTERS.
Allie: …what? It can’t have been-
The Grim Reaper: A HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SEVEN CHAPTERS.

Laci: That’s a pretty good run for anything in this county.

Allie: As long as there’s crime, there’s still hope.
Laci: That sounds like a good slogan for ENTROPY.

Allie: “We Should Go Fuck Ourselves” sounds like a good slogan for ENTROPY.

Laci: Hahaha yeah fuck those guys who aren’t here.

Allie: That felt meaningful but I feel drunk.

The Grim Reaper: ANSWER YOUR GODDAMN PHONE

The Grim Reaper: FUCKING FINALLY

Laci: Yes please.

FUCK THIS TREE IN PARTICULAR

FUCK THIS PEE IN PARTICULAR

Laci: FUCK THIS POO IN PARTICULAR

Man, I can write really fast when I write really badly.

Laci: Getting a room with a framed picture of Stephen Murphy is like moving into an entirely Garfield-themed house.

Laci: HAHAHA I Think You Should Leave was HILARIOUS.

Yes, direct people away from my humour to other people’s humour.

Laci: I’m an expert at redirection.

Laci: For example I’m redirecting my bafflement at Cecilia’s plans and my fury at everyone I’ve ever loved, and everyone adjacent to them, towards executing Cecilia’s baffling plans.

Laci: Which is probably totally fine and not at all a bad thing.

Laci: Although any decision-making process that ends with me mopping up lady piss probably had some mistakes along the way.

Laci: Gross mistakes.

Laci: Whew. She must have a lot of vinegar, because that was a lot of piss.

Laci: What am I doing with my life?

Marking time between storylines.

Laci: As time-markers go, machinegunning a zombie is pretty effective.

Laci: THIS HAIR IS GETTING TO BE A BIT MUCH

Laci: Also life. Is.

Laci: Getting to be a bit much.

Jesus Christ stop moaning and go do something.

Something evil, preferably.

Laci: I wanna do Alvin.

Laci: Or at least kill him.

CRACK-A-DOODLE-DAWWWWN

Allie: You’re losing it.

Allie: Also I’m losing it, because this is not dawn. It’s… like… noon.

Allie: I might as well sleep in until evening, then!

Allie: Or just take a giant dump all afternoon.

Ah, I know that life.

Sleep in super late.

Take a huge dump.

Prepare a chef salad with balsamic vinaigrette.

Laci: I’m impressed that you’d write a script with the word “vinaigrette” in it while you’re in a hurry.

And I’ve had to write it TWICE now!

Laci: It’s fadey outside.

Allie: It’s lady outside.

Allie: And she can staydy there.

Allie: A+ DIALOGUE WOULD SPEAK AGAIN

Laci: Mornin’ boss…erina.

Laci: ‘cuz you look like a ballerina.
Allie: THANKS I GOT IT

Laci: You eat like a pig.
Allie: Efficiently, yes.

Laci: You talk when you eat.
Allie: LIFEHACK

Laci: At least I’m getting, like, a quarter of your food on my food.

Laci: So hey, how ’bout that death?

Allie: It was pretty neat.

Allie: Or did you mean Death?
Laci: Grimmy and I are old pals, I’d never call him that.

Allie: How did you come back to life?
Laci: I would argue I didn’t.

Allie: Just a sec, got a want to snap a pic because the game is bugged all to fuck and thinks I’m on vacation.

Allie: And here’s the pic, because the Maker is an asshole.

An asshole who wrote an entire chapter in FORTY MINUTES

Laci: And it only entirely shows.

Next time: crazy town.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 15 December 2012.

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