The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 412

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which hospitality leads to hostility.

Even Deborah’s daughter doesn’t want to stand with Deborah.

The postal service doesn’t even send live people to deliver her mail!

♪ Have you seen the ghost of Rog ♪

♪ Nothing fucking rhymes with Ro-o-o-o-og ♪

Elle: Didn’t save up for your retirement, huh?

Surfin’ the webernetubes?

Rebecca:

Browsing the internet?

Rebecca: Apparently not.

Rebecca: I was gonna download some mermaid porn.

Oh yeah?

Rebecca: I’ve got a subscription to assofbass.com and it’s about to run out.

Rebecca: …”If found, please return to Lance Price the Damned Price, telephone number…”

Rebecca: I’ll trade him the book for an explanation about why my best friend spontaneously combusted.

Lance Price the Damned: Who is this? How’d you get my number? Are you cute?

She’s very cute.

It just goes to show you that genetics aren’t everything.

Rebecca: I FOUND YOUR BOOK AND IT LOOKS LIKE A PLOTLINE

Lance Price the Damned: You want that I should drop you a plotline?

Rebecca: Got any magic spells for computer fixin’?

Lance Price the Damned: The only person casting spells here is you.

Rebecca: Do you need a servant? I can wear one of those genie outfits and be all like “Yes master!” and nod, but eventually we’ll respect each other enough to become equals, and you’ll go on to star in a Texas oil baron drama!

Lance Price the Damned: I don’t know what any of that is.
Debbie: I Dream of Jeannie and Dallas.
Rebecca: That’s the only reason I keep her around, she gets my references.

Lance Price the Damned: The only reason, huh.
Debbie: I’m pretty much useless besides that, yeah.

I’m not even 100% sure her name is Debbie.

I might have been calling her Opal?

I’m so very tired.

Lance Price the Damned: Let’s find out what her real name is.

How?

Lance Price the Damned: It’ll be on her tombstone.

Lance Price the Damned: Mýges.
Debbie: My goodness!

Debbie: GET A BUG BOMB
Lance Price the Damned: This is a bug bomb.

Debbie: I SPIT IN THE FOOOOOOOOOOO-

Lance Price the Damned: See? She deserved it.
Rebecca: I think your bugs fixed my computer?

This is a second, completely different computer, across the house.

Rebecca: Then maybe you should differentiate your environments more effectively.

Damn! What a tight bit of snark that was.

Rebecca: Oh no! Cut down in my sexy prime!
Lance Price the Damned: I’m not cutting you down, I’m sexy priming you! Elkystikόs.

Rebecca: I mean… I don’t think I really needed enhancement?
Lance Price the Damned: You’re still part Lucas, that needs counterbalancing.

Lance Price the Damned: Hey baby, wanna be balanced on a counter? By my dick?

Carolina: ♪ Good times never seemed so good! ♪

Lance Price the Damned: ♪ I’d be inclined to believe they never would ♪

Lance Price the Damned: I like the colours in here. Very soothing.

Rebecca: Yeah, I’ve made a real effort to keep it CLEAN

Lance Price the Damned: Just because it’s evil, doesn’t mean it’s dirty.

Elle: One begs to differ.

Carolina: Have you seen Debbie?
Elle: You just missed her.

Carolina: I doubt I could ever miss her.

Rebecca: Ooh, here’s one: “Oh, well — I was at Hogwarts meself but I –er — got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an’ everything.”
Lance Price the Damned: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

WHUNK

Carolina: …save up your feelings and tell me about them when you learn to talk.

Lance Price the Damned: HAHAHA WANG

Carolina: Bitches love wangs.

Lance Price the Damned: Hello there! This is a fine house you used to have.

Carolina: Pretty sure it’s still my house?

Lance Price the Damned: You ARE pretty, but you’re NOT sure.

Carolina: I like a little pos-ing with my negging.

Rebecca: Why you gotta WINDOW, window?!

Rebecca: Also y’all can flirt NOT in my room?

Carolina: We’re not flirting. I’m married.

My game couldn’t handle that shocking a swerve from tradition.

Lance Price the Damned: Elkystikos.
Rebecca: I love a man who needs help flirting!

Rebecca: “Love” is a synonym for “despise,” right?

Rebecca: Oh no, it is.

Rebecca: I am now your magic moll.

Lance Price the Damned: Also my brew taster.

Carolina: So, how was your day?
Rebecca: I made a friend?

Rebecca: My sense of time is getting loose.

Rebecca: And it’s not the only thing.

Lance Price the Damned: I don’t want your magically-augmented affection!
Rebecca: Then why’d you cast a love spell on me?!
Lance Price the Damned: That was a HOTNESS spell! It’s DIFFERENT!

Lance Price the Damned: I’m CARTOONISHLY evil! RAPE IS NOT CARTOONISH

Jerome: Honey, I’m ‘rome! As in Jerome.

Rebecca: “Firmware update”? Shit! My battery’s almost dead and I can’t find the charger!

This week on Just Putting Your Own Problems Into Your Story…

Then again, I’m happy to NOT have some of THESE problems.

Rebecca: Are you casting a spell on my bed?
Lance Price the Damned: Magus mutatio!
Rebecca: ARE YOU TURNING MY BED INTO A WIZARD

Rebecca: Wangs, here I come!

WANGGGGGG

“A magic wang… This was what Harry had been really looking forward to.”

I am happy to have Lucas’ eyes in the story.

The rest of him, thank god it’s gone.

Carolina: Promotion time, buddy!

Carolina: It’s nice of your dad to give you a raise in anticipation.

Jerome: Begone, fire!

Carolina: Begone, YOUTH!

Begone, salmon-on-lemon ensemble.

Jerome: ♪ Warm… touchin’ warm… ♪
Carolina: ♪ Reachin’ out… touchin’ me… ♪

Rebecca Cavendish the Mean Witch: ♪ Touchin’? YOU?! ♪

Rebecca Cavendish the Mean Witch: After we fucked and everything.

Carolina: Wait, who fucked?

Jerome: Oh, thank goodness.

Woof, and it must have been a GOOD one, too.

Custom content deprivation is a condition the ladies are especially susceptible to.

Rebecca: RESIDENTIAL CRASHES NOW?!

I really don’t know.

Rebecca: You said you fixed it eventually, right?

Yes.

Rebecca: Soon?

Who fuckin’ knows.

Rebecca: IT’S ONLY CRASHING BECAUSE YOU HIJACKED OUR CHAPTER

Rebecca: THIS IS WHAT WE DO TO HIJACKERS IN THE SIMNATION!

Lance Price the Damned: Goad them into violence?

Rebecca: Come at me, bro.

Rebecca: You whip out that wang and I’ll expel you.

Rebecca: DID I REFERENCE RIGHT

Rebecca: Oh, man, all this talk of wangs, man.

Rebecca: This is like Groundhog Day

NO.

Rebecca: What?

I know we’ve made a Groundhog Day joke during a series of crashes before, and if we do it again, WHAT IF IT’S THE SAME JOKE

I DON’T WANT TO DO A GROUNDHOG DAY OF GROUNDHOG DAY JOKES

Rebecca: I guess that’s fair.

Rebecca: But I prefer fowl.

Lance Price the Damned: Wait, don’t you mean “foul?”
Rebecca: Nope! Chicken fan.

Lance Price the Damned: This evil vendetta of mine has involved so much hot chickage!
Rebecca: I like the way you carried the chicken reference forward.

Meanwhile Brett is eaten by a mimic.

Rebecca: I’M NOT YOUR HUSSY
Lance Price the Damned: Of course not! You’re just ONE of them!

Lance Price the Damned: Please join my magic harem.

Rebecca: Solid pass-out location choice, Esther, no way it’s gonna get you stepped on.

Jerome: JEROME SWEET JEROME

Rebecca: Oh, sure. I slave away on a hot stove and then BAM, somebody opens up the fuckin’ BUY CATALOGUE

Rebecca: I swear you people have birthdays just to piss me off.

Jerome: Excited to learn if age-up outfits are predetermined?

Alec Vijayakar: PARTY CRASHING! Where’s the floozies and booze?!

Jerome: Try not to spit. Just because we’re related doesn’t mean I want to be eating your mouth juices.

Yeah.

Jerome: We’re not SHARPES.

Yeah!

Carolina: Woo! Ass shot I can’t see! WOO!

Carolina: ♪ Where it began, I can’t begin to knowing ♪
Brett: Great grammar, lady!

Carolina: ♪ But then I know it’s growing strong ♪
Brett: Look, soon I’ll be able to bathe MYSELF, alright?

♪ Was in the spring ♪

♪ Then spring became the summer ♪

Carolina: ♪ Who’d have believed you’d come along? ♪

Brett: BRIEF INSTRUMENTAL BREAK!

Carolina: ALL TOO BRIEF

Lance Price the Damned: ♪ Hands… touching hands… ♪

Lance Price the Damned: ♪ Reaching out… ♪
Caroline: ♪ TOUCHING ME ♪
Lance Price the Damned: ♪ TOUCHING YOUUUUUU ♪

Next time: ♪ How can I hurt when holdin’ you? ♪

This chapter depicts gameplay from 8 September 2012 to 9 September 2012.

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