The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 381

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which I just don’t know, man.

Pretty sure this is semaphore for something.

Somaphore.

Ember: It stands for 1) I’m pregnant, 2) Oh yeah? What’s it like? 3) Well, let me tell you: 4) I’m going to kill myself.

Meanwhile this is happening.

I’m sure it’s fine.

Wren: *doesn’t say anything*

I’ve put too many words in closed mouths lately.

Wren: Know what I want to put in my open mouth?
Xavier: A di-
Wren: A TONGUE YOU GROSS ASSHOLE

Xavier: .oO(Strumpet.)

Ivy: …I’m sorry, did you want something? Out of the garbage?

Felicia: Hey, do you have any babies over there?
Wren: What? Who is this?
Felicia: Forget I asked, forget I asked.

Vicki!

This is the first time I’ve spelled your name right the first time.

I’m fucked when I go back to writing the books.

Vicki: Am I not dead in the books?

Hey, you’re right!

Vicki: Yay…
Wren: Do you live here?

Xavier:Cummin’ in me dupsta, cummin’ in me dumpsta, cummin’… ♪

Vicki: Your house is too easy to get into. Speaking as a former serial killer. So.

Ember: …hi?
Vicki: Hi! You’re looking fat!
Ember: …?

Vicki: Just wanted to stop by and say “Hey, are you still mad I murdered you that one time?”
Ember: Haha, I forgot about that.

Ember: I was very old and very drunk.

Vicki: Haha yeah, I was very crazy and very crazy.

Vicki: You don’t want to see your brain on mind-control axe.
Ember: Or my brains on your mind-control axe.
Vicki: Yeah, you’re lucky you didn’t get to see that.

Vicki: Hey, nice… this.

Vicki: She seems to be in a good place. Who’s next on the list?

What list?

Vicki: The list of the people I killed when I was crazy!

Oh, the rest of them are still dead.

Vicki: WHAT

Wren: I think this letter is bleeding.

Vicki: This apology tour isn’t gonna be nearly as catharic as I’d hoped.

Yeah, no more Cathars to apologize to.

Vicki: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MIS-TYPED IT
Ember: SPEAKING OF CATHARSIS

Wren: Help.

What’s up.

Wren: Mailbox is bugged. Arm is stuck. Help.

I’ve seen porn that starts this way.

Wren: I’ve seen Amish roleplay porn scored to Weird Al, but that’s not really helping me get my arm out.

I’m afraid to see what’s in there.

Wren: My HAND

Vicki: Hey, nice… that.

Ember: GET YOUR SISTER
Xavier: How do you know it’s gonna be a sister?
Ember: …!
Xavier: Heheheh.

Xavier: What? It was clever!

Ember: I’ll put it on your tombstone.

Wren: Why can’t I be having some random baby?
Felicia: I mean…

Felicia: You totally can.

Xavier: I’ve seen fast wardrobe changes, but I’ve never seen fast tattoos.

I’ll let you do the honours, since it’s been pointed out to me – rather belatedly – that it’s weird when I do it.

Ember: Her name is Persephone Waterfall Amberley-

THIS IS ALEXIS FOX-MURPHY.

Ember: Yeah, she looks like an Alexis. Good call.

Felicia: Good, keep pretending to strangle yourself. The ritual requires that.

Felicia: Now shit in my hand.

Felicia: Oh! Money. That’s… I wish I’d thought of that earlier.

Ivy: I’m gonna stick my fingers in my mouth.
Ember: I’m gonna stick my fingers in her eyes.

Xavier: That’s how my eyes got so strong! Thanks mom!

Felicia: Ooh, it’s glowing!
Wren: Is that good?
Felicia: I am prepared at this juncture to say that it is meaningful.

WHACK

Wren: My very own gonzo journalist! Thanks Felicia!

Coy Gipson: A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.
Felicia: Yeah, they say it’s not the fall that kills ya.

Coy: Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on the shore and merely existed?
Wren: This joke is gonna get old real fast.

With how long these quotes are, it’s gonna get old real slow.

Ivy: Good news! The baby can’t eat rocks!

No teeth.

Ivy: No teeth!

Wren: Alright, let’s see what I can do about that everything.
Coy: Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a ride!”
Wren: Well good news for you, then.

Coy: Never create anything, it will be misinterpreted, it will chain you and follow you for the rest of your life.
Wren: It’s just a haircut, dude, chill out.

Wren: Well?
Coy: …uh… uh…
Wren: Come on, say something!
Coy:Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?

Coy: You broke me! I don’t look like anybody now!
Wren: You don’t have to be anybody! I already am.

Coy: At least this way I don’t have to shoot myself.

Wren: Shoot me instead, baby.

…hmm.

Coy: What?

…I think you might just have been stunned. Try it again.

Coy: Ahmhm… hmm. I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes?

Yep. You’re still Hunter C. Thompson.

Coy: “C.”?

Curly.

Coy: Your driveway will ice over, your furnace will blow up, and you will be rammed in traffic by an uninsured driver in a stolen car.
Wren: Got any good quotes about babies?
Coy: Preteens of both sexes are traditionally seized and grabbed off the streets by gangs of organized perverts who traditionally give them as Christmas gifts to each other to be personal sex slaves and playthings.
Wren: So, no then.

Felicia: It wasn’t a good quote, but it was an applicable one.

Ember: Hey, remind me to get your sister a hooker for her birthday.

Ember: Being legally old enough to have sex is the same as being legally responsible to have sex.

Felicia: Having the opportunity to steal a baby is the same as needing to steal a baby.

Okay, why are you even still here.

Felicia: To steal the baby.

No, but… okay, I’m not telling you to steal the baby.

Felicia: Then you’ve got nothing to worry about! Legally speaking.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

Felicia: Gypsies steal babies!

Gypsies do NOT steal babies!

Felicia: Well, luckily, I’m not a real gypsy.

Alexis: .oO(It doesn’t feel lucky.)

I’m sure it’s fine.

Coy: -fine little bikinis and if I could get my hands on just one of them I would be God’s happiest man. But that’s not likely tonight, so I’ll get some sleep and wake up tomorrow with a fix on the Hell’s Angels.
Wren: Why can’t you be one of those drug addicts who keeps falling asleep?

Wren: I’m gonna kill you with this baseball.
Coy: Don’t be ridiculous. Killing people with a baseball is ridiculous.

No matter what actually happens, remember that THIS is canonical.

Nawwaf: Can I arrest her for that?

No, but a commendation would be fine.

You can totally arrest him, though.

Wren: You can’t arrest a CORPSE

Except that was literally the premise of those zombie trials we had.

Coy: Yeah! Wait. Yeah! Wait.

Coy: Whatever, murder is dumb.
“Penny”: Shut your mouth.

Coy: I don’t know shit about shit.
Wren: Mrs. Spring-Murphy apparently knows shit about Mr. Sharpe.

I do not endorse the opinions of my facsimile in this matter.

Wren: I saw they delivered a magic lamp next door.
Coy: Who’s they?
Wren: Gypsies.
Coy: Did they steal any babies? Gypsies steal babies.

GYPSIES DO NOT STEAL BABIES

Nawwaf: Public nudity!
“Penny”: It’s illegal.
Nawwaf: I’ll let it slide if you let me slide. In?

“Penny”: I’ll kill you if you suggest that again.
Nawwaf: Fine, I’m more into that hot secret agent anyway. You have sort of an… evil secret agent vibe.
“Penny”: That hot secret agent is a hot secret agent.
Grugly Prime: What we talkin’ ’bout? Hotness?

Grugly Prime: All my opinions on hotness are stupid.

They ARE.

“Penny”: Who even is that?

Coy: What are you giving me?
Wren: I dunno, crabs?

Coy: I accept your gracious gift of crabs.

Wren: Keep it up and I’ll throw in a side order of lice.

Kenya: Such a nice girl.

“Penny”: And that’s the story of how I killed a man.
Nawwaf: You killed a man?!
“Penny”: I killed many men. That’s just the story of how I killed one of them.

Coy: She’s got nothin’ on this mankiller.

Wren: I’ll let you dick me if you keep not quoting Hunter S. Thompson.
Coy: I dunno. I love quoting Hunter S. Thompson, and sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.
Wren: …did you just…?
Coy: YES I CAN’T STOP

Coy: I’ll make it up to you with extra dicking.

Nerissa: So, what do you do?
Carmela: I’m a placeholder character that handles NPC generation.
Nerissa: That sounds like fun.
Carmela: I got put out of a job when the Maker made that avatar over there.
Nerissa: That sounds like fun.

Coy: .oO(Yes, that is a freakishly long finger.)

Tucker: Look out, it’s a Ganglion from Awkwardax 5!

Tucker: Oh no! A goth from the goth planet!

Running out of material already, huh.

Tucker: Nobody knows what they’re actually called because nobody wants to talk to goths.

Nawwaf: I think Cameron’s super hot.
Jessie: Is not.
Grugly Prime: Yeah, is not!

Get out of my face!

Grugly Prime: I’m not in your face, your camera’s in mine!

No, I mean get out of my literal face, which you are wearing, with your wrong opinions!

Coy: I’ll protect you, little alien thing.

Wren: Do you know that chick?
Coy: I don’t know any chicks. Look at me.

Wren: I won’t.

Wren: OR WILL I

God, those fucking stop signs, what happened.

Stephen: They’re obviously bugged, pull them out!

Will do!

In like five years.

In the meantime, enjoy the shitshow I guess.

Stephen: I hope you’re not fishing for compliments, ‘cuz the rest of us are fishing for fish.

If anyone’s wondering, yes, this creepy loser dies soon.

Coy: How soon?

Not, like, today or anything.

Coy: So, after I get laid? Acceptable.

Wren: Sex and no strings attached! Better than acceptable.

Wren: No offense.
Coy: Offense taken!

My first kiss was only marginally better than that.

But by the time I’m old I’ll probably remember it this way instead.

It’s all a matter of perspective.

Opal: Hey hot stuff, can you handle a real woman?
Wren: I’m not into woman-handling.
Coy: Yeah, me either.

Stephen: Wear this, it’ll improve your footing.

Coy: I should just put her in a backpack.

Wren: I can be your backpack while you run.

Wren: I like to boogie-boogie!
Coy: Yeaaaaah!
Wren: Show you some dance moves!

No, I don’t want you to.

Nawwaf: Once upon a time there was a HAUNTED HOT TUB
“Penny”: Was it…?
Nawwaf: IT WAS THIS HOT TUB!
Grugly Prime: *gasps*

Wren: I bet I end up with that hot secret agent dude.
Coy: That seems unlikely, so you’re probably right.

Wren: I hear he’s a stone-cold killerfox.

Kenya: Too many characters.
Tucker: Cheating.

The Sharpesvale Chronicles.

Okay guys, I know you can’t see it but the time on the Sharpe Oil Tower is WRAP IT UP O’CLOCK

Nawwaf: Has anyone else noticed a steady uptick in gypsy activity lately?

Grugly Prime: I don’t notice things anymore.

He is me!

Wren: So, does this jacket mean you’re a tiger, or…
Coy: Yeah, it’s the “or.” It’s made of tiger.

Wren: Did you kill the tiger yourself?
Coy: Indirectly, by being one of the short list of people who would buy a tiger flesh jacket!

Coy: My purchasing decisions are brave.

OH GOD, A PHALANX OF STOPSIGNATRON WARRIORS FROM WHOGIVESAFUCK ALPHA!

Wren: So this is what an ass feels like.
Coy: Specifically, mine!

Coy: Your body is weird.
Wren: I had two choices: be a lot less hot than my mom, or be a lot more hot than my mom. Anything else would be sad. And also the second option was impossible. So.

Wren: Luckily, “a lot less hot than my mom” covers most of the range of hotness.

Jack: Found you another one.

Neil: I should buy some brain teasers for the prisoners.

Stephen: So, you’re not a real Sim, eh?
Carmela: Oh, I am, but I’m denied the pleasures of companionship and the progression of my own life goals.
Stephen: Oh, like parenthood! I dig.

I can’t have been enjoying this, so why was it happening.

I guess I just had to PLAY COY.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Wren: Cool, we’re leaving the story now.

Wren: On second thought, hey. Ever fuck in a pond?

Nawwaf: …I think I just… wow. I need to call this one in.

Nawwaf: Is there a higher level of indecency than “gross”?

Yeah, “supernatural.”

Wren: Feel free to super my naturals.

Coy: Doesn’t get much more natural than this.

Next time: more fun with things that aren’t fun!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 21 June 2012 to 22 June 2012.

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