Alright, ’06, show me what you got.
This chapter does not represent the present visual quality of the Chronicles! It’s grody and uncropped and older than the iPhone, and so compressed it’s frankly hilarious. Don’t hold it against me; it’s not beautiful enough!
Grugly2006: I got walkin’ babies?
Grugly2006: I got suddenly-older kids watchin’ TV with their parents?
Nostalgic! But still boring.
Grugly2006: I got comically mismatched group photos.
Now we’re talkin’.
Karen: You’ve been talkin’ all along, you just haven’t been sayin’ much.
Willa: HAHAHA KOREY YOU’RE SO CHARMING AND CLEVER
Korey Jitmakusol: I… haven’t said anything yet?
Willa: HAHAHA KEEP IT UP
Korey: And that’s how I invented Jitmakusol, the top-of-your-head-shaving-cream!
Grugly2006: And this is how I invented satellite screenshotting!
Willa: Quit hiding behind the shower and join us.
Korey: I can’t believe you squelched me with a headline.
Lewis: WE’RE A NORMAL FAMILY
Korey: This is lovely chili, Mrs. Luc-
Lewis: WILLA AND I FUCK EVERY NIGHT
Korey: I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sold on your family ’til I learned you fuck every night.
Willa: Yeah, me either.
Korey: Of course, there will still need to be bribes.
Willa: Well duh.
Korey: And maybe favours?
Willa: I draw the line at sexual favours.
Korey: Oh, I wouldn’t dream of asking for sexual favours.
Willa: I said “at,” not “before.”
Lewis: What were you two talking about?
Willa: Your various inadequacies.
Lewis: I hope you took notes for me.
Lewis: Oh, you changed your hair again.
Willa: You’re just now noticing?
Lewis: That would certainly explain why I just now mentioned it.
Willa: FUCK ME LIKE THE MAGIC’S STILL THERE
Willa: Wow! Almost.
Valerie: Wait, “Teague”? I thought my name was “Simms.”
A little on-the-nose, don’t you think?
Valerie: No, I think as little as possible, actually.
And then she immediately went to start a fire.
Yes, back up, good idea.
Hey, you didn’t start a fire!
Valerie: It was always burning, yada yada.
Valerie: What’s “Teague” mean?
It’s a Cornish name! It means “fair.”
Valerie: That’s fair.
There’s also an Irish “Teague,” but it’s apparently… sometimes a slur? So now I’m rethinking your name again.
Valerie: I haven’t even had a complete scene yet and you’re already fucking with my identity.
Well it’s not like you’re doing anything with it, at present.
Okay, how about Simeon? You can be a Serb.
Valerie: What’s a Serb?
You are, if your last name is Simeon.
Valerie: I’m a simian.
Leon: Ook ook ook.
Leon: Simeon, huh? That’s… a lot like “Sim.”
Ugh, it is. Maybe… Symon? That’s Ukrainian.
Valerie: CAN WE SETTLE THIS BY SUNDOWN PLEASE
Leon: Don’t put fridge magnets on a TV.
Valerie: That’s good advice.
Valerie: Not useful advice, but good advice.
Leon: HA HA HA I can’t look directly at juggling.
I… forgot there was juggling in the game.
Do I still have juggling in my game?!
Leon: Wanna get lubed up and slither?!
I know, I know, I’m mischaracterizing them.
Grugly2006: No, just him.
Leon: I am a shy little boy.
And your name needs to change.
Leon: I don’t see why that would help.
You’ve got the same name as a later character.
Leon: I think you’ll find he has the same name as me?
Valerie: Embrace the change! You can be anyone you want! Naming is power.
Leon: What if I pick a weak name?
Valerie: The power to be weak is still power, my man.
Leon: I’m your man?
Grugly2006: Yeah, I don’t understand that phrase either.
Alright, I’d like to introduce you all to a new character: Grugly’s OCD!
Grugly’s OCD: I can’t let ANYTHING go!
Grugly’s OCD: ALL THESE PICS ARE IMPORTANT
Valerie: Hey baby, wanna get surveilled with me?
Grugly’s OCD: NOTHING IS TOO MINOR TO WARRANT DOCUMENTATION
Grugly2006: I think I hate this new guy.
He hates us too.
Valerie: We need to start fucking before our neighbourhood crashes from god overload.
Grugly’s artistic competence appears rarely enough that I don’t think it deserves a character.
Valerie: You call this competence?
Only because there isn’t a less complimentary word which means something similar.
And anyway it also appears rarely enough that I don’t even need a good word to describe it.
Grugly2006: Look, dude, I am trying here.
Only when there’s T&A involved.
Charley: What’s in your pocket?
Andy: If I don’t tell you, you can’t reject me.
Charley: Does this count as an arranged marriage?
If so, it’s very poorly arranged.
Grugly’s OCD: I can’t… I can’t even look at this right now.
Grugly’s OCD: That’s only a LITTLE BIT better!
Grugly’s OCD: ONLY A LITTLE BIT BETTER IS ACTUALLY A WHOLE LOT WORSE
Andy: They’re not gonna stop, are they.
Charley: We might as well make out the best of a bad situation.
Andy: More like make the breast of a bed situation.
Charley: It wasn’t worth hearing, trust me.
Grugly’s OCD: Okay, this, this I can handle.
Grugly2006: Why is your OCD a character now?
Because it bothers me so often I’ve decided to externalize it.
Grugly2006: Is that healthy?
First of all, yes. Second of all, it’s only the third time I’ve externalized a part of my brain.
Grugly2006: Am I the first?
Grugly2013 was the first, basically.
Andy: HAHA YOU’RE NUMBER TWO
Grugly2006: I’d punish y’all for laughing at me, but this conversation is a retcon, so.
You keep making new characters instead of making good characters, or developing the ones you have.
Grugly2006: Because I hate hard work and crave instant gratification.
So that’s why I’m overweight.
Grugly2006: How overweight we talkin’?
Oh, not noticeably or anything. All my close friends are much heftier.
Grugly2006: How many close friends do you have?
Technically none of them are close right now. Because viral apocalypse.
Grugly2006: Oh, BRB, I’m needed in an official capacity.
Grugly2006: Do you promise to be faithful if it interests me, and unfaithful if it doesn’t?
Andy: Yeah, no.
Grugly2006: Oh, you expect me to bless your union, but you won’t meet me half-way?
Charley: I promise to be faithful. Period.
Andy: Yeah, me too.
Grugly2006: As long as you don’t expect me to abide by your promises.
Grugly2006: ‘cuz I won’t.
Andy: Do we get to play that ball-in-cup game now?
Charley: Please don’t try to fit your balls in there.
Andy: Oh, am I supposed to have two?
Charley: GIVE ME THAT ONE BALL, BABY
Charley: I could swear I felt two of them down there.
Andy: Considering what they were banging up against, your feelings were likely correct.
Grugly2006: How do I get to the point where I’m willing to type jokes about genital sensitivity and then share them with the world?
It’s a combination of being ground down ’til you don’t really give a fuck, and the realization that “the world” is never gonna read this.
If “the world” was here, you think I’d be showing them images like this?!
You’re clearly just trying to get different angles on Charley’s ass.
Grugly2006: I notice you’re not cutting any of these pics.
Yeah, well, uh, I’m just really that committed to shaming you.
Charley: He has no shame. Can’t you see that?
I remember being him. He has nothing but shame.
He sits around in his dorm room all day, being lonely and feeling sorry for himself.
Grugly2006: That’s not true! Sometimes I go to the mall, or the grocery shop.
He wants sympathy from everyone, but all his problems are his own fault.
Grugly2006: Okay THAT’s not true at ALL.
This dude? This dude is so shy, he’s afraid to call businesses on the phone about business things.
Grugly2006: What if they hate me? What if I forget what I’m calling about?
I GUESS THEY’LL VOTE YOU OFF THE PLANET THEN
STORE CLERKS HAVE THAT POWER
Grugly2006: Oh, so you’re some kind of social butterfly, then?
No! I still hate interacting with people!
I just don’t pretend it’s the people’s fault.
Grugly2006: Hang on, gotta change angles here.
Grugly2006: Alright, continue.
You keep thinking people are gonna think you’re a weird jerk. You know what weird jerks do? Act awkward around people and refuse to talk to them! It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy!
Andy: Should we step in, at some point?
Charley: The gods are launching salvoes at each other, and you want to get in between them?
Andy: I’m starting to think they aren’t gods. I’m starting to think they’re two sad dorks, equally sad for different reasons.
The difference is, my reasons are real.
Grugly2006: That’s just your subjective opinion. My reasons seem real to me, too!
Yeah, but you’re a dumb fuckin’ teenager, nobody cares what you think.
Grugly2006: I’m TWENTY!
Oh, yeah, we missed your birthday, didn’t we? Happy birthday. What did you get?
Grugly2006: We don’t remember.
But we’ll treasure it always!
Grugly2006: That’s what we do, yes.
Grugly2006: Do we still have all our past birthday presents?
Oh, yeah. The leather jacket, the guitar, all that good stuff.
Grugly2006: At least I don’t stop being materialistic in my old age.
Are you kidding? We have to become MORE materialistic to keep up with societal inflation!
Grugly2006: I guess you must still be a packrat, if you were even able to find this neighbourhood.
It wouldn’t have been such a problem if you’d taken better care of your CDs.
Grugly2006: I’m sure that’s a Grugly2007 and onward problem.
Andy: Knock knock.
Charley: Who’s there?
Charley: Boobs who?
Andy: Boobs! Boobs are here.
Charley: I don’t like racy jokes.
Andy: It wasn’t a joke. Look down! They’re there.
Charley: Knock knock.
Andy: Who’s there?
Charley: Not me.
This room is basically a paranoia generator.
Charley: Yeah, the moment we put the tub next to this window, the world auto-generated three creepy stalkers.
I know this house, by the way. It’s a Maxis house.
You’re not making your own houses, that’s… pathetic.
Grugly2006: Not as pathetic as the houses I could make would be.
It’s weird, how we get more creative as we get older.
Grugly2006: Is that the human “we” or the you-and-me “we”?
Grugly2006: What do you mean?
I mean as a kid, you wrote long and complex stories that were just Star Wars fan-fiction.
In the last year, I wrote a book and learned how to draw.
Grugly2006: I’ve always wanted to do both of those things!
And you’ve always been too narrow-minded to do it.
Grugly2006: Was it a good book?
I liked it.
Grugly2006: Are they good drawings?
Grugly2006: You should draw these characters!
I’m already on it.
Grugly2006: You should draw this scene.
No, I draw the line there.
Charley: The Maker just refused to draw my lines.
Andy: Aww, let me rub them for you.
Charley: As long as you don’t rub one out.
Do you not have exams to study for?
Grugly2006: Why bother? I know I get to do my PhD regardless.
I have to do so much extra work to catch up because of you.
Grugly2006: It’s a small price to pay.
How do you figure?
Grugly2006: A different version of me is paying it!
Charley: OUR SEX IS GOING VERY WELL IF ANYONE CARES
Andy: AND VERY RESPECTABLE SEX IT IS, TOO!
Charley: “Very respectable”?
Andy: I think we both deserve respect for fucking under these conditions.
How about them sleeping conditions.
DRIP. DRIP. DRIP.
That’s enough drips for one day.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 24 April 2006 and 25 April 2006.