The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 737

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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And now for something completely different.

Do a barrel roll?

The Mad Cow: That reference ain’t getting any younger.

The Mad Cow: Hey, any bathroom peeps about?

Jake: Who the fuck are you?

Says whoever the fuck this is.

The Mad Cow: I am down to fuck this.
Jake: It returns the feeling!
The Mad Cow: Reciprocates.

Jake: No, that’s engines.

Ember: My cooch is getting pins and needles. It’s high time Jake started laying pipe again.

Jake: So, mystery sex cow. I assume you’ve picked your moment carefully, waiting until Ember is safely out of the way before making your move?
The Mad Cow: Why would I do that?

Jake: So she doesn’t walk in while we’re FUCK

The Mad Cow: I always forget about that weird human thing called jealousy.

Ember: He cheated on me… with a COW?!

If that’s his thing, maybe it’s all for the best.

Jake: HOLY SHIT EMBER WAY TO WALK IN ON YOUR SURPRISE
Jake: ALSO THERE’S A COW IN MY BUTT

Ember: YOU DID NOT GET ME A SURPRISE COW
Jake: FINE DON’T HAVE A COW THEN

Jake: OW OW IS THAT LEGAL
Ember: AS AN OFFICER OF THE COURT I’M MAKING IT LEGAL

POUFF

Jake: What did that cloud call me?!

Jake: I’m really disappointed in you, Ember. I thought you’d be cool with a beastiality three-way.

Ember: I just want to be asked first, is all.

Ember: AND ALSO YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT

Jake: Sure! What did you think I was doing in the bathroom, oil painting?

Jake: So apparently it’s cows today, huh.

The Mad Cow: It’s the age of the Cow, friend. Mark your calendars.

Jake: I’m trying to keep a safe distance away from you.
The Mad Cow: If you knew me better, you’d know that’s impossible.

The Mad Cow: Right?

OH GOD DON’T LOOK AT ME

The Mad Cow: Right.

The Mad Cow: So here’s how it is. I’ve got an evil plan.
Jake: I always knew cows were too quiet.

The Mad Cow: And I’m looking for people with a certain kind of talent.
Jake: Kissable lips and an eight-inch penis?
The Mad Cow: Expendability.

Jake: I’ve probably got that too.

Jake: As long as there’s cow sex in it for me.

This is what it looks like when you project your monitor onto a TV.

The Mad Cow: Shit it don’t sit it, kid.

The Mad Cow: I want you to become a sleeper agent.
Jake: The kid? I bet he’s really good at naps, yeah.

The Mad Cow: I might have just decided to destroy you.

Jake: Okay, truce. I won’t say anything stupid if you won’t try to kill me.
The Mad Cow: “Try” is the wrong word, but sure. I never keep my word anyway.

Ember: It’s so sexy when you talk to yourself, Jake! Stop staring at my butt kid.

There’s someon el-

Ember: -ephants? There’s someone elephants?! What would that even mean.

Ember: …are we planting a garden, Jake?

Ember: Okay, what the fuck. Someone named Richard wants me to know how great his sex life is apparently.

Jake: I want to be that guy.

The Mad Cow: She’s supposed to be upset. I forgot she got mindwiped.

HOW IRONIC

The Mad Cow: Only if “ironic” is some weird Klingon word for “not ironic.”

WOULDN’T THAT BE IRONIC THOUGH

Jake: You seem like a bad decision. I want to make you.

Jake: My fee will be this redhead.

Jake: So hey, I just made a deal with a murdercow.
Ember: Oh, did you decide to get yourself murdered for me?

Ember: BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I WANT

Ember: I’m serious, dickhole. Get your dick away from my hole.

Jake: Okay, my fee will now be…
The Mad Cow: A different redhead.
Jake: GET ME A CATALOGUE.

It’s gonna need to have one hell of a selection.

Jake: So this chick hates me now.
The Mad Cow: You seem really hateable, so yeah.

The Mad Cow: Your lifespan is more than half over.

Womrat: !

The Mad Cow: The world has really got to work on its enabling of my speedy escapes.

The Mad Cow: ‘cuz here I go, walking away all innocent-like, but you know that bitch is totally dead now.

The Mad Cow: Luckily I came prepared and hopeful for just such an eventuality.

Kay: Have you ever noticed the lines on the sidewalk are the same colour as the driveways? Maybe they’re full of tiny cars, going to tiny places on a tiny little-

The Mad Cow: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Kay: I’M WILLING TO CONSIDER ALTERNATE THEORIES

The revival of Picket Fences overplayed the surreal aspects.

The Mad Cow: Eww, don’t put your hand there, that’s gross. Could be gum or something.

The Mad Cow: Hey, do you get paid for this gig?
The Grim Reaper: MY LIFE IS AN ENDLESS TREADMILL OF DRUDGERY
The Mad Cow: So that’s a yes?

Ember: -burns-

The Grim Reaper: NAH, THANKS, I’M PICKING THIS ONE UP.

Jake: What, so, you’re just straight up killing people now?

The Grim Reaper: USE THE WIDE EMITTER, LET’S TRY AND CATCH THIS ASSHAT TOO.

Jake: I’m stealing your taxi, dead girl.

It’s honestly amazing I still have live Maxis townies.

‘cuz look at this and explain to me why I’d wanna.

Ember: Which reminds me, these puppies aren’t getting enough use.

Ember: What? Can you say that bigger?

Ever been so mad you just took out the garbage?

Ember: That’s a terrible thing to say about all of Jake’s things!

Ember: Oh boy, this again.

Caryl Hart: I bet my first name started as a typo.

Ember: Stop stonefourthwalling me and make with the penises!

Caryl: How big around? This big?
Ember: That’s an option?!

Caryl: Holy shit my moneyhand is working again!
Ember: Can you teach me?

Ember: I’m gonna shake your hand in anticipation of their being nothing wrong with this blind date.

Patrick: …pppp…

Patrick: …ppppaaaaainnnnzzzzz.
Caryl: This is Patrick. He is a zombieman.

Ember: NOT EVEN IF HE’S HOT
Patrick: I think all those brains I ate just got concussed.

Patrick: Whoa. I’d eat your brains second, baby.

Luckily she lives in a world where zombie disposal is part of the municipal budget.

Ember: Hi William these are my tits they’re yours if you come shoot someone for me

William: Alright, but we’ll need to make it look like an accident.
Ember: …he’s a zombie.
William: Why didn’t you say so?

Ember: WHY DID I HAVE TO

Marvin: Zed zed!
Ember: Use your inside voice! The one inside your head. Only babies talk in floating zeds.

William: Clever disguise, zombie scum, but I have you!

Patrick: I couldn’t unlive with myself if I let that poor old racial stereotype suffer in my place.

William: Oh no! A preppie! Shoot it, shoot it!

William: Who you gonna call? This guy.

William: Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?

Patrick: Is this some weird old guy proposition?

William: Don’t I know you? Aren’t you a black kid?

We SERIOUSLY do not need the authorities shooting any more of those.

…I can’t even make a joke about it, it just needs to stop.

William: They just need some good old-fashioned zombies to shoot!

Patrick: IF THIS IS ABOUT STEALING YOUR HAIRCUT I’M SORRY BUT IT’S BOSS

William: BAM BAM CHICKACHICKACHICKA BAM
Patrick: …it was all just a joke?!

Patrick: THE BULLETS ARE REAL WHY ARE YOU MAKING THOSE NOISES

William: ‘cuz it reminds me of sex.

Old man, what the hell you gonna kill next?

William: WHADDAYA GOT

Is diaper shitting a crime?

How about douchey haircuts?

Stephen: Cameo!

William: WHAT HAVE I DONE

…I don’t know?

Patrick: STUPID MADE-IN-SIMCHURIA CLOTHES!

Patrick: I’M PASSING OUT, THIS GIANT SCHLONG NEEDS ALL MY BLOOD

William: I SYMPATHIZE

The Grim Reaper: STAND BACK. OLD PEOPLE SOMETIMES JUST FLOOOOAT AWAY WHEN I TURN THIS PUPPY ON.

Ember: Oh, Patrick! I could just flooooat away on that giant dead schlong of yours.

William: Um, hello? Minimum safe distance?
Caryl: I just want to feel the cold embrace of death. Just for a moment. Just so I know it can happen.

William: Va va voom, baby! You’re so hot, you’re practically glowing!

Ember: I do feel awful light and airy right now!

Ember: …please tell me the beam is just cosmetic.

William: Wow, a discretion cut! I didn’t even know you had discretion.

I don’t.

Ember: Help! REAP!

The Grim Reaper: THANKS FOR INCLUDING ME IN THAT OFF-COLOUR JOKE.

William: Um… what?

Ember died. She stood in the beam.

William: No, I get that. But what was the jo-… oh! Grim Raper, I get it!

Caryl: From some angles it looks like an absolutely stoked monkey, side profile, with kickin’ muttonchops.

Now you see it too.

Maybe.

William: Alright, time for some impromptu science.

I think you mean “Science.”

William: No, you need to be a professional for that.

Caryl: Now it looks like two monkey skulls sucking on one piece of spaghetti!

Caryl: OKAY YOU DON’T LIKE MONKEYS I GET THAT

Social Worker: Okay, where’s the orphans?
William: Before you say anything, I am totally licensed to kill this gypsy.

Social Worker: So… the orphans?
William: You’re not going to make a big deal out of this clear abuse of power?
Social Worker: I’m not that kind of social worker.

The Grim Reaper: FIRST YOU GET A BITCH STUCK IN MY BEAM, NOW YOU WANT ME TO SUCK UP ANOTHER ONE?!

Social Worker: Won’t someone think of the children?

The Grim Reaper: SO YOU MURDERED THIS WOMAN.
William: All the matchmakers are ENTROPY agents.
The Grim Reaper: AND YOU THINK THIS WILL FIX YOUR STUPID FRIEND.
William: Hey, I don’t expect you to fix the stupid, that’s too deeply engrained!

Caryl: I’m so honoured to be a part of this uplifting storyline.

William: Come on. You take this one, I’ll take the other one, we’ll call it square.
The Grim Reaper: YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE PAPERWORK A SOUL TRANSFER GENERATES.

Social Worker: Stop having fun, it’s almost gruel time at the orphanage!

The Grim Reaper: I DON’T CARE WHAT SHE’S DOING, JUST SEND HER BACK DOWN.
William: Is she fucking the other ghosts? She’s fucking the other ghosts, isn’t she.

Heaven can wait.

There’s plenty of fucking left down here.

Ember: And I am so ready to get on with it.

William: We’re doing this.

Yep.

William: Sex angel.

Uh-huh.

William: Very progressive.

William: Do you remember what happened?
Ember: There was a bright light, and I was moving toward it.
William: Yeah, nice work on that dipshit.

Ember: Then I went to heaven, and they offered me a job.
William: What kind of job?

Ember: Oh, you know.

William: So, about that electricity.
Ember: Oh, yeah! Isn’t it neat? I’m sexually radioactive now.

Ember: I’m not sure it’s safe, to be totally honest with you.

I’m not sure it matters.

Ember: Anyway, MAN is it oversatured in heaven! I was all like GIVE IT A BREAK WITH THE CAREBEARS SHIT and then suddenly a lady skeleton was shooting me out of a cannon.

William: And I helped.

William: I am so glad I didn’t kill that elderly woman for no good reason.

William: So you’ve got some sort of residual heavenly energy floating around you.
Ember: I think it’s inside me. Deep, deep inside me.

William: I’m willing to reach for it! You find me a good access point, and I’ll pick my most versatile appendage to make the trip.

Social Worker: And this is why I’m taking your babies.

William: I suspect she can just make more.

William: Fucking honeybees?

There’s lots of honeybees in heaven.

Because we killed all the ones down here.

Ember: I feel so refreshed and new!

You’ve definitely got a cleaner look going now.

Ember: Oh, I dunno. I think there’s still some dirty in me.

William: Sheesh. You smell like my wet dreams.

Ember: Can I help it if my breasts are emitting magical heavenly pheremones?
William: If you can, don’t.

Ember: So, I’ve been thinking. If I’ve accidentally turned myself into a sex goddess, my first act of coitus as a reborn woman should have some real ritual significance.
William: This is starting to sound like a religion I can get behind, if you take my meaning.

Ember: You mean you’re gonna fuck me.
William: That’s how the laity describe it, yes.

William: And you can just call me the layman.

William: ‘cuz I’m gonna fuck you.

Ember: I may or may not have called you in the first place because I heard you’ve got a nine-inch penis.

William: His visible form is nine inches, yes, but that’s only because the human imagination can’t conceive of something bigger.
Ember: I’ve had wet dreams of my own that prove you wrong.

Ember: The bed is upstairs.

Ember: We should also be upstairs.

Ember: On the bed.
William: On you, on the bed.

Ember: I can get beneath that.

Ember: ‘cuz you’re gonna fuck me.

William: I get such a warm and wholesome feeling out of you!
Ember: It’s a trap.

Ember: Feel that? I’m pumping my godjuice into you.
William: Can I use that line?

William: Can I use you?

Ember: I could fill your pants right now with a whisper.

Ember: Only 1,000? Those must be some tight pants.

Ember: What say we go upstairs and change into something a bit less… sticky?
William: Or just two naked, sticky people.
Ember: WHY ARE WE STILL FOREPLAYING

William: ‘cuz this might be the one that finally heartattacks me.

Ember: It’s okay. If you die in mid-orgasm, I’ve got the juice to bring you back.

William: Ember Fox, the human crash cart.

William: So, is there some trick to taking off these holy relics? Do I need to find some credulous pastor to pawn them off on?

William: Heyyyy, now that’s a neat trick.
Ember: Heaven is never needing to change your clothes.

William: I think your current outfit is good for all occasions, honey.

William: You should totally walk around like this.

Ember: Sorry, I’m an angel now. I don’t do walking.

William: But I bet you still give rides.

Ember: I’m a one-way trip to cloud number nine, buddy.

Ember: Still banter, still no sex.
William: I don’t get it either.

Ember: Well here’s the problem!

Ember: Much better.

In the words of Dalboz of Gurth, Third Dungeon Master of Zork, “Exactly where were you keeping that?”

Ember: I’m more interested in where he’s gonna put it.

Ember: Now, take me to church.

William: You’re lighter than you look!
Ember: Is in no way a compliment.

William: Yeah, my bad.

Ember: Now, I should warn you. This much sexual energy might not be healthy. It might not even be survivable.
William: Who told you my sex speech?!

William: Then again, I guess the whole neighbourhood has heard it by now.

Speaking of things the whole neighbourhood will hear.

William: I wanna be on top.
Ember: Well you go get magic powers and we’ll toss a coin.

William: Lady, genetics gave me my magic powers.

Ember: If there’s one thing Star Wars has taught me, it’s that magic beats genetics every time.

William: Except for all the Jedi masters who were purged by the clone troopers after Order 66 was issued.
Ember: If I had a penis it would be visibly shrinking right now.

William: Luckily mine remains a load-bearing member.

William: Hahaha member.

William: You forgot one thing about me, honey.
Ember: What’s that?
William: I’m a secret agent.

William: You never know which side I’m on!

William: If we do this at my place, will that glow come out on its own or will I need to use bleach?
Ember: I’d hope you use bleach all the time, automatically.

Ember: Anyway I’m fine with sacrificing a few pairs of sheets for this.

William: It’s like my penis has its own personal spa and massage retreat!

Ember: It’s like my vagina is ingesting the Pillars of the Earth.

Ember: By which I mean your dick is like two dicks.
William: Or even three, depending on your points of comparison.

Ember: Hahaha Jerome.
William: Hahaha what a dead loser.

Ember: How did you get your ass so toned?
William: Pelvic thrusts.

Ember: They really drive me insa-a-a-ane!

Ember: I hate that movie.

William: I’ve already forgotten what you said.
Ember: The power of sex compels you!

Ember: I hate that movie too.

Ember: So I’ve already orgasmed like seven times.
William: Yeah, we’d better leave me enough gas in the tank to get home.

Ember: …why do you need semen to walk?
William: So there’s the potential I’ll be walking towards something fun!

William: Speaking of which, did you have a fun time tonight?
Ember: …I just had a nine-inch dick up my crotch!
William: I don’t know how I compare to the dudes in SimHeaven, do I?
Ember: Um, William. SIMHEAVEN. How big you do think their dicks are?

Stephen: NICE GUYS HAVE NICE SIZED DICKS

William: I can’t believe you seduced that dude.
Ember: In my defense, we didn’t know about nine-inch penises back in Gen 1.

Ember:Jesus.
William: Realizing how old you are?
Ember: No, still thinking about that nine-inch penis.

Maybe I should add that to the journal tags.

William: I always pictured you as more of a hands-on person.

Ember: You know me too well!
William: I’m a devout member of the Church of Our Lady Immoral!

Ember: Thanks for saving my life, William.
William: Thanks for making it worth my while.

William: Jesus, this thing.
Ember: I know, right? I know.

Have I ever told you how your dad caused the serial killer sprees and the Zombie Apocalypse?

William: AND he kicked our can over!

Geez. the more things change

Ember: The hotter I get.

Ember: Don’t think I can’t feel you sneaking it in down there.
William: I’d be pretty upset if you couldn’t, honestly.

If you value your eyes you won’t come inside.

Wren: You have no idea what I’ve seen my mom do.

I wish that were true, I really do.

Ember: So apparently we’re just straight up having sex again.
William: Hey, I saw my opening and I took it.

William: Or rather, I saw your opening.
Ember: My opening is your opening, baby.

What’s in the bag? Dildos? Marijuana? The corpse of your little sister, stolen by gypsies at an early age?

…something you want to dry-hump?

I’m not sure I could have guessed that.

Boy, I’m sure it felt nice getting that off your chest.

Jake: Anything else you wanna get off your chest, sweetheart?

Ember: Am I totally cute now or what.

William: It’s almost obnoxious.

William: Alright, the dick tranquilizer will only put her out for-

Nope, we’re not doing dick tranquilizer jokes.

Not while Bill Cosby is still allowed to walk around free like some kind of human being.

William: Man, I’m like an R-Rated King Midas. Everything my dick touches turns into awesome.

The Mad Cow: Now this is good blackmail material.

Um, no? She’s not with anybody, so she can date Jake and nobody will care.

The Mad Cow: Solid evidence she’s dating that jackshit, though…

Oh! You’re right! Never mind.

Embarassment central.

The Mad Cow: The worst thing about art installations is you’re not always there to see the looks on people’s faces.

The Mad Cow: I just have to take solace in the pain and suffering I know I’m causing.

William: If I don’t stop thinking about her soon, I’m gonna need new orange pants and CAN YOU EVEN BUY ORANGE PANTS ANYMORE

The Mad Cow: I need to set up a depot where people can drop these things off for me.

The Mad Cow: …if I leave it here in the rain, it’ll get wrecked anyway.

Yeah, you’re a real good samaritan.

I wouldn’t mind waking up to this.

Ember: And I wouldn’t mind being able to fly but that doesn’t make it any less impossible.

Ember: But thanks.

I really like this stripped-down look you’re going for.

Ember: Seriously though, what kind of outfit goes well with super-hot redheadedness?

I think you know the answer.

Ember: You know, I think I do.

Next time: enh, I’ll leave you guessing.

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