Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
And now for something completely different.
Do a barrel roll?
The Mad Cow: That reference ain’t getting any younger.
The Mad Cow: Hey, any bathroom peeps about?
Jake: Who the fuck are you?
Says whoever the fuck this is.
The Mad Cow: I am down to fuck this.
Jake: It returns the feeling!
The Mad Cow: Reciprocates.
Jake: No, that’s engines.
Ember: My cooch is getting pins and needles. It’s high time Jake started laying pipe again.
Jake: So, mystery sex cow. I assume you’ve picked your moment carefully, waiting until Ember is safely out of the way before making your move?
The Mad Cow: Why would I do that?
Jake: So she doesn’t walk in while we’re FUCK
The Mad Cow: I always forget about that weird human thing called jealousy.
Ember: He cheated on me… with a COW?!
If that’s his thing, maybe it’s all for the best.
Jake: HOLY SHIT EMBER WAY TO WALK IN ON YOUR SURPRISE
Jake: ALSO THERE’S A COW IN MY BUTT
Ember: YOU DID NOT GET ME A SURPRISE COW
Jake: FINE DON’T HAVE A COW THEN
Jake: OW OW IS THAT LEGAL
Ember: AS AN OFFICER OF THE COURT I’M MAKING IT LEGAL
Jake: What did that cloud call me?!
Jake: I’m really disappointed in you, Ember. I thought you’d be cool with a beastiality three-way.
Ember: I just want to be asked first, is all.
Ember: AND ALSO YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT
Jake: Sure! What did you think I was doing in the bathroom, oil painting?
Jake: So apparently it’s cows today, huh.
The Mad Cow: It’s the age of the Cow, friend. Mark your calendars.
Jake: I’m trying to keep a safe distance away from you.
The Mad Cow: If you knew me better, you’d know that’s impossible.
The Mad Cow: Right?
OH GOD DON’T LOOK AT ME
The Mad Cow: Right.
The Mad Cow: So here’s how it is. I’ve got an evil plan.
Jake: I always knew cows were too quiet.
The Mad Cow: And I’m looking for people with a certain kind of talent.
Jake: Kissable lips and an eight-inch penis?
The Mad Cow: Expendability.
Jake: I’ve probably got that too.
Jake: As long as there’s cow sex in it for me.
This is what it looks like when you project your monitor onto a TV.
The Mad Cow: Shit it don’t sit it, kid.
The Mad Cow: I want you to become a sleeper agent.
Jake: The kid? I bet he’s really good at naps, yeah.
The Mad Cow: I might have just decided to destroy you.
Jake: Okay, truce. I won’t say anything stupid if you won’t try to kill me.
The Mad Cow: “Try” is the wrong word, but sure. I never keep my word anyway.
Ember: It’s so sexy when you talk to yourself, Jake! Stop staring at my butt kid.
There’s someon el-
Ember: -ephants? There’s someone elephants?! What would that even mean.
Ember: …are we planting a garden, Jake?
Ember: Okay, what the fuck. Someone named Richard wants me to know how great his sex life is apparently.
Jake: I want to be that guy.
The Mad Cow: She’s supposed to be upset. I forgot she got mindwiped.
The Mad Cow: Only if “ironic” is some weird Klingon word for “not ironic.”
WOULDN’T THAT BE IRONIC THOUGH
Jake: You seem like a bad decision. I want to make you.
Jake: My fee will be this redhead.
Jake: So hey, I just made a deal with a murdercow.
Ember: Oh, did you decide to get yourself murdered for me?
Ember: BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I WANT
Ember: I’m serious, dickhole. Get your dick away from my hole.
Jake: Okay, my fee will now be…
The Mad Cow: A different redhead.
Jake: GET ME A CATALOGUE.
It’s gonna need to have one hell of a selection.
Jake: So this chick hates me now.
The Mad Cow: You seem really hateable, so yeah.
The Mad Cow: Your lifespan is more than half over.
The Mad Cow: The world has really got to work on its enabling of my speedy escapes.
The Mad Cow: ‘cuz here I go, walking away all innocent-like, but you know that bitch is totally dead now.
The Mad Cow: Luckily I came prepared and hopeful for just such an eventuality.
Kay: Have you ever noticed the lines on the sidewalk are the same colour as the driveways? Maybe they’re full of tiny cars, going to tiny places on a tiny little-
The Mad Cow: SHUT THE FUCK UP
Kay: I’M WILLING TO CONSIDER ALTERNATE THEORIES
The revival of Picket Fences overplayed the surreal aspects.
The Mad Cow: Eww, don’t put your hand there, that’s gross. Could be gum or something.
The Mad Cow: Hey, do you get paid for this gig?
The Grim Reaper: MY LIFE IS AN ENDLESS TREADMILL OF DRUDGERY
The Mad Cow: So that’s a yes?
The Grim Reaper: NAH, THANKS, I’M PICKING THIS ONE UP.
Jake: What, so, you’re just straight up killing people now?
The Grim Reaper: USE THE WIDE EMITTER, LET’S TRY AND CATCH THIS ASSHAT TOO.
Jake: I’m stealing your taxi, dead girl.
It’s honestly amazing I still have live Maxis townies.
‘cuz look at this and explain to me why I’d wanna.
Ember: Which reminds me, these puppies aren’t getting enough use.
Ember: What? Can you say that bigger?
Ever been so mad you just took out the garbage?
Ember: That’s a terrible thing to say about all of Jake’s things!
Ember: Oh boy, this again.
Caryl Hart: I bet my first name started as a typo.
Ember: Stop stonefourthwalling me and make with the penises!
Caryl: How big around? This big?
Ember: That’s an option?!
Caryl: Holy shit my moneyhand is working again!
Ember: Can you teach me?
Ember: I’m gonna shake your hand in anticipation of their being nothing wrong with this blind date.
Caryl: This is Patrick. He is a zombieman.
Ember: NOT EVEN IF HE’S HOT
Patrick: I think all those brains I ate just got concussed.
Patrick: Whoa. I’d eat your brains second, baby.
Luckily she lives in a world where zombie disposal is part of the municipal budget.
Ember: Hi William these are my tits they’re yours if you come shoot someone for me
William: Alright, but we’ll need to make it look like an accident.
Ember: …he’s a zombie.
William: Why didn’t you say so?
Ember: WHY DID I HAVE TO
Marvin: Zed zed!
Ember: Use your inside voice! The one inside your head. Only babies talk in floating zeds.
William: Clever disguise, zombie scum, but I have you!
Patrick: I couldn’t unlive with myself if I let that poor old racial stereotype suffer in my place.
William: Oh no! A preppie! Shoot it, shoot it!
William: Who you gonna call? This guy.
William: Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?
Patrick: Is this some weird old guy proposition?
William: Don’t I know you? Aren’t you a black kid?
We SERIOUSLY do not need the authorities shooting any more of those.
…I can’t even make a joke about it, it just needs to stop.
William: They just need some good old-fashioned zombies to shoot!
Patrick: IF THIS IS ABOUT STEALING YOUR HAIRCUT I’M SORRY BUT IT’S BOSS
William: BAM BAM CHICKACHICKACHICKA BAM
Patrick: …it was all just a joke?!
Patrick: THE BULLETS ARE REAL WHY ARE YOU MAKING THOSE NOISES
William: ‘cuz it reminds me of sex.
Old man, what the hell you gonna kill next?
William: WHADDAYA GOT
Is diaper shitting a crime?
How about douchey haircuts?
William: WHAT HAVE I DONE
…I don’t know?
Patrick: STUPID MADE-IN-SIMCHURIA CLOTHES!
Patrick: I’M PASSING OUT, THIS GIANT SCHLONG NEEDS ALL MY BLOOD
William: I SYMPATHIZE
The Grim Reaper: STAND BACK. OLD PEOPLE SOMETIMES JUST FLOOOOAT AWAY WHEN I TURN THIS PUPPY ON.
Ember: Oh, Patrick! I could just flooooat away on that giant dead schlong of yours.
William: Um, hello? Minimum safe distance?
Caryl: I just want to feel the cold embrace of death. Just for a moment. Just so I know it can happen.
William: Va va voom, baby! You’re so hot, you’re practically glowing!
Ember: I do feel awful light and airy right now!
Ember: …please tell me the beam is just cosmetic.
William: Wow, a discretion cut! I didn’t even know you had discretion.
Ember: Help! REAP!
The Grim Reaper: THANKS FOR INCLUDING ME IN THAT OFF-COLOUR JOKE.
William: Um… what?
Ember died. She stood in the beam.
William: No, I get that. But what was the jo-… oh! Grim Raper, I get it!
Caryl: From some angles it looks like an absolutely stoked monkey, side profile, with kickin’ muttonchops.
Now you see it too.
William: Alright, time for some impromptu science.
I think you mean “Science.”
William: No, you need to be a professional for that.
Caryl: Now it looks like two monkey skulls sucking on one piece of spaghetti!
Caryl: OKAY YOU DON’T LIKE MONKEYS I GET THAT
Social Worker: Okay, where’s the orphans?
William: Before you say anything, I am totally licensed to kill this gypsy.
Social Worker: So… the orphans?
William: You’re not going to make a big deal out of this clear abuse of power?
Social Worker: I’m not that kind of social worker.
The Grim Reaper: FIRST YOU GET A BITCH STUCK IN MY BEAM, NOW YOU WANT ME TO SUCK UP ANOTHER ONE?!
Social Worker: Won’t someone think of the children?
The Grim Reaper: SO YOU MURDERED THIS WOMAN.
William: All the matchmakers are ENTROPY agents.
The Grim Reaper: AND YOU THINK THIS WILL FIX YOUR STUPID FRIEND.
William: Hey, I don’t expect you to fix the stupid, that’s too deeply engrained!
Caryl: I’m so honoured to be a part of this uplifting storyline.
William: Come on. You take this one, I’ll take the other one, we’ll call it square.
The Grim Reaper: YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE PAPERWORK A SOUL TRANSFER GENERATES.
Social Worker: Stop having fun, it’s almost gruel time at the orphanage!
The Grim Reaper: I DON’T CARE WHAT SHE’S DOING, JUST SEND HER BACK DOWN.
William: Is she fucking the other ghosts? She’s fucking the other ghosts, isn’t she.
Heaven can wait.
There’s plenty of fucking left down here.
Ember: And I am so ready to get on with it.
William: We’re doing this.
William: Sex angel.
William: Very progressive.
William: Do you remember what happened?
Ember: There was a bright light, and I was moving toward it.
William: Yeah, nice work on that dipshit.
Ember: Then I went to heaven, and they offered me a job.
William: What kind of job?
Ember: Oh, you know.
William: So, about that electricity.
Ember: Oh, yeah! Isn’t it neat? I’m sexually radioactive now.
Ember: I’m not sure it’s safe, to be totally honest with you.
I’m not sure it matters.
Ember: Anyway, MAN is it oversatured in heaven! I was all like GIVE IT A BREAK WITH THE CAREBEARS SHIT and then suddenly a lady skeleton was shooting me out of a cannon.
William: And I helped.
William: I am so glad I didn’t kill that elderly woman for no good reason.
William: So you’ve got some sort of residual heavenly energy floating around you.
Ember: I think it’s inside me. Deep, deep inside me.
William: I’m willing to reach for it! You find me a good access point, and I’ll pick my most versatile appendage to make the trip.
Social Worker: And this is why I’m taking your babies.
William: I suspect she can just make more.
William: Fucking honeybees?
There’s lots of honeybees in heaven.
Because we killed all the ones down here.
Ember: I feel so refreshed and new!
You’ve definitely got a cleaner look going now.
Ember: Oh, I dunno. I think there’s still some dirty in me.
William: Sheesh. You smell like my wet dreams.
Ember: Can I help it if my breasts are emitting magical heavenly pheremones?
William: If you can, don’t.
Ember: So, I’ve been thinking. If I’ve accidentally turned myself into a sex goddess, my first act of coitus as a reborn woman should have some real ritual significance.
William: This is starting to sound like a religion I can get behind, if you take my meaning.
Ember: You mean you’re gonna fuck me.
William: That’s how the laity describe it, yes.
William: And you can just call me the layman.
William: ‘cuz I’m gonna fuck you.
Ember: I may or may not have called you in the first place because I heard you’ve got a nine-inch penis.
William: His visible form is nine inches, yes, but that’s only because the human imagination can’t conceive of something bigger.
Ember: I’ve had wet dreams of my own that prove you wrong.
Ember: The bed is upstairs.
Ember: We should also be upstairs.
Ember: On the bed.
William: On you, on the bed.
Ember: I can get beneath that.
Ember: ‘cuz you’re gonna fuck me.
William: I get such a warm and wholesome feeling out of you!
Ember: It’s a trap.
Ember: Feel that? I’m pumping my godjuice into you.
William: Can I use that line?
William: Can I use you?
Ember: I could fill your pants right now with a whisper.
Ember: Only 1,000? Those must be some tight pants.
Ember: What say we go upstairs and change into something a bit less… sticky?
William: Or just two naked, sticky people.
Ember: WHY ARE WE STILL FOREPLAYING
William: ‘cuz this might be the one that finally heartattacks me.
Ember: It’s okay. If you die in mid-orgasm, I’ve got the juice to bring you back.
William: Ember Fox, the human crash cart.
William: So, is there some trick to taking off these holy relics? Do I need to find some credulous pastor to pawn them off on?
William: Heyyyy, now that’s a neat trick.
Ember: Heaven is never needing to change your clothes.
William: I think your current outfit is good for all occasions, honey.
William: You should totally walk around like this.
Ember: Sorry, I’m an angel now. I don’t do walking.
William: But I bet you still give rides.
Ember: I’m a one-way trip to cloud number nine, buddy.
Ember: Still banter, still no sex.
William: I don’t get it either.
Ember: Well here’s the problem!
Ember: Much better.
In the words of Dalboz of Gurth, Third Dungeon Master of Zork, “Exactly where were you keeping that?”
Ember: I’m more interested in where he’s gonna put it.
Ember: Now, take me to church.
William: You’re lighter than you look!
Ember: Is in no way a compliment.
William: Yeah, my bad.
Ember: Now, I should warn you. This much sexual energy might not be healthy. It might not even be survivable.
William: Who told you my sex speech?!
William: Then again, I guess the whole neighbourhood has heard it by now.
Speaking of things the whole neighbourhood will hear.
William: I wanna be on top.
Ember: Well you go get magic powers and we’ll toss a coin.
William: Lady, genetics gave me my magic powers.
Ember: If there’s one thing Star Wars has taught me, it’s that magic beats genetics every time.
William: Except for all the Jedi masters who were purged by the clone troopers after Order 66 was issued.
Ember: If I had a penis it would be visibly shrinking right now.
William: Luckily mine remains a load-bearing member.
William: Hahaha member.
William: You forgot one thing about me, honey.
Ember: What’s that?
William: I’m a secret agent.
William: You never know which side I’m on!
William: If we do this at my place, will that glow come out on its own or will I need to use bleach?
Ember: I’d hope you use bleach all the time, automatically.
Ember: Anyway I’m fine with sacrificing a few pairs of sheets for this.
William: It’s like my penis has its own personal spa and massage retreat!
Ember: It’s like my vagina is ingesting the Pillars of the Earth.
Ember: By which I mean your dick is like two dicks.
William: Or even three, depending on your points of comparison.
Ember: Hahaha Jerome.
William: Hahaha what a dead loser.
Ember: How did you get your ass so toned?
William: Pelvic thrusts.
Ember: They really drive me insa-a-a-ane!
Ember: I hate that movie.
William: I’ve already forgotten what you said.
Ember: The power of sex compels you!
Ember: I hate that movie too.
Ember: So I’ve already orgasmed like seven times.
William: Yeah, we’d better leave me enough gas in the tank to get home.
Ember: …why do you need semen to walk?
William: So there’s the potential I’ll be walking towards something fun!
William: Speaking of which, did you have a fun time tonight?
Ember: …I just had a nine-inch dick up my crotch!
William: I don’t know how I compare to the dudes in SimHeaven, do I?
Ember: Um, William. SIMHEAVEN. How big you do think their dicks are?
Stephen: NICE GUYS HAVE NICE SIZED DICKS
William: I can’t believe you seduced that dude.
Ember: In my defense, we didn’t know about nine-inch penises back in Gen 1.
William: Realizing how old you are?
Ember: No, still thinking about that nine-inch penis.
Maybe I should add that to the journal tags.
William: I always pictured you as more of a hands-on person.
Ember: You know me too well!
William: I’m a devout member of the Church of Our Lady Immoral!
Ember: Thanks for saving my life, William.
William: Thanks for making it worth my while.
William: Jesus, this thing.
Ember: I know, right? I know.
Have I ever told you how your dad caused the serial killer sprees and the Zombie Apocalypse?
William: AND he kicked our can over!
Geez. the more things change…
Ember: The hotter I get.
Ember: Don’t think I can’t feel you sneaking it in down there.
William: I’d be pretty upset if you couldn’t, honestly.
If you value your eyes you won’t come inside.
Wren: You have no idea what I’ve seen my mom do.
I wish that were true, I really do.
Ember: So apparently we’re just straight up having sex again.
William: Hey, I saw my opening and I took it.
William: Or rather, I saw your opening.
Ember: My opening is your opening, baby.
What’s in the bag? Dildos? Marijuana? The corpse of your little sister, stolen by gypsies at an early age?
…something you want to dry-hump?
I’m not sure I could have guessed that.
Boy, I’m sure it felt nice getting that off your chest.
Jake: Anything else you wanna get off your chest, sweetheart?
Ember: Am I totally cute now or what.
William: It’s almost obnoxious.
William: Alright, the dick tranquilizer will only put her out for-
Nope, we’re not doing dick tranquilizer jokes.
Not while Bill Cosby is still allowed to walk around free like some kind of human being.
William: Man, I’m like an R-Rated King Midas. Everything my dick touches turns into awesome.
The Mad Cow: Now this is good blackmail material.
Um, no? She’s not with anybody, so she can date Jake and nobody will care.
The Mad Cow: Solid evidence she’s dating that jackshit, though…
Oh! You’re right! Never mind.
The Mad Cow: The worst thing about art installations is you’re not always there to see the looks on people’s faces.
The Mad Cow: I just have to take solace in the pain and suffering I know I’m causing.
William: If I don’t stop thinking about her soon, I’m gonna need new orange pants and CAN YOU EVEN BUY ORANGE PANTS ANYMORE
The Mad Cow: I need to set up a depot where people can drop these things off for me.
The Mad Cow: …if I leave it here in the rain, it’ll get wrecked anyway.
Yeah, you’re a real good samaritan.
I wouldn’t mind waking up to this.
Ember: And I wouldn’t mind being able to fly but that doesn’t make it any less impossible.
Ember: But thanks.
I really like this stripped-down look you’re going for.
Ember: Seriously though, what kind of outfit goes well with super-hot redheadedness?
I think you know the answer.
Ember: You know, I think I do.
Next time: enh, I’ll leave you guessing.