The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 574

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Updates whenever I damn well please!

Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
All naked fake people/fake people having fake sex are 18+ and consenting.

Click Here for Previous Entries!

In which we peak on the first non-titlecard image.

The [Family].

Christ, I made the title pic the first pic.

Elle: You sure do suck, alright!

Bambi: Yeah, he is alright at it.

Bambi: Are you doing that because you’re crazy, or because it’s fun?
Elle: I’m doing it because it’s crazy fun!

Elle: Is that a good thing?

Elle: Oh shit, I have Aspiration points.

Elle: I’M CURED

Bambi: Now get the fuck out.

Elle: I can’t wait to see what the Maker has in store for me!
Grugly2013: Store’s out of stock, sorry.

Bambi: Wasn’t kidding about the “get the fuck out” part.

Elle: At least I get a high-res exit.

Elle: Do you think Nick would like to hear from me?

Do you think you’d like to associate with a family whose associates always end up dead?

Bambi: She might, she’s still a stupid Maxis NPC.

Don’t get arrogant just because you’re a stupid custom NPC.

Mallory: Where do stupid townies fall?

In this neighbourhood. They fall in this neighbourhood.

Jeannie: Help, I’ve fallen and I don’t give a shit.

You’re looking pretty depressed.

Jeannie: Yeah, I—

Let me see your Aspiration Panel.

Jeannie: Okay, bu—

Bambi: Can’t finish a sentence, huh? Classic Low Aspiration Syndrome.

Jeannie: What even is this.

Jeannie: OH FUCK IT’S A STORYLINE

Bambi: Not the best place to have a psychotic episode…

Jeannie: I DON’T WANT MY EPISODE TO BE PSYCHOTIC

Bambi: We’ll make it psychiatric instead, then!

Kaylynn: Postal workers, amirite

Bambi: I don’t think this is part of the stereotype.

Imagine having “murderers” as your stereotype.

My American readers don’t have to imagine.

Bambi: Can you possibly still have readers?

I got a fuckload of favourites on my links hub while I was away, I’m counting that.

Bambi: Welcome to Harmony Hill!
Jeannie: That sounds bad.
Bambi: It was specifically designed to not sound bad.
Jeannie: That’s probably why.

Bambi: Don’t tell me you’re gonna turn down taxpayer-subsidized Aspiration points!
Jeannie: That’s a confusing enough statement, it’s almost enough to make me forget that you’re staring at my tits.

Bambi: It was specifically designed to almost do that.

Bambi: This is our terrifyingly depressing foyer! It was ill-advised.

Bambi: So hey, let’s talk about your tits.

Jeannie: THIS STRAP IS KILLING THEM

Bambi: It’s just drawn on.

Jeannie: I’m already so grown into this uniform, you’d have to pry me out with a spatula.

Bambi: AT LEAST YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE A TONED-DOWN FINAL FANTASY VILLAIN

Bambi: I’m stuck in this dead-end plotline, and I’m ninety percent sure I’m going to die horribly before I get out of it.

Jeannie: Maybe the roof will cave in, and they can spatula us both out!

Bambi: Well, I mean, if the roof caves in it’ll probably only kill you. I’m a tertiary character. You’re not even that, and the Maker thinks you’re unattractive.
Grugly2013: No I don’t!

Yes I do.

Jeannie: I do look like a blowup doll come to half-life!
Grugly2013: No you don’t!

Yes she does.

Bambi: Now I’m hearing voices.

Jeannie: It’s really good of you to try and help me.
Bambi: You know how people sometimes die after they retire? “Not having a meaningful plotline” has that effect around here.

Jeannie: I’m a little worried that my skin is gonna be blue.

Good news! Nothing so interesting.

Jeannie: Hey, 2013 thinks I’m cool.
Grugly2013: Enh, starting to have second thoughts.

Bambi: Who wants blandbread?

This game has such a profoundly sensitive portrayal of mental illness, don’t you think?

Grugly2013: Too bad it doesn’t have a portrayal of OCD.

It has complex house design systems. It has a metaportrayal of OCD.

Grugly2013: Wait, are you only talking to me because otherwise you’d be trying to find captions for a second toilet-cleaning scene in as many chapters?

Yes, and I’m including this rare example of screenshotting the camera flash so I can continue to mock Grugly2008.

Grugly2008: Good times.

I think the final shot of the entire series will need to be someone on the toilet.

It’s a goddamn motif at this point.

Grugly2008: So, what’s 2013 like?
Grugly2013: Boring and lonely.
Grugly2008: WHAT A COINCIDENCE

Grugly2013: What’s 2021 like?

This is gonna blow your mind.

Jeannie: ONE SYMPATHIZES

So, presumably you were doing this rather than working on your PhD.

Grugly2013: I’m not good with long-term goals.

Hence why we’re still struggling to get through these thousand chapters after eleven years.

Wait, you were actually still finishing your MA. I just found an email you were drafting yesterday.

Grugly2013: Oh, christ, he found his backups.

Bambi: Hey, is my backup there?

Oh my god, you’re still drafting the email tomorrow.

Grugly2013: Awesome! You just told me I can take today off, basically.

Grugly2007: It sounds like we need to learn some discipline.
Grugly2008: I’ll think about it.
Grugly2013: I’ll think about it.

I’ll think about it.

Bambi: So, my technique is threefold: feed you, talk to you, and if all else fails, get someone to fuck you.

Jeannie: That totally sounds like a legitimate course of therapy, yes.

Jeannie: Have you tried pouring carbonated beverages on people’s brains, to see if the pop fizz gets the neurons firing?

Bambi: I have not had direct access to anyone’s brains.

Bambi: I could see if one of the local serial killers are game, if you’d like.

Bambi: But they use axes, rather than spatulas.

Jeannie: Yeah, whatever.

Jeannie: I’m boring, lady. I either get killed now, or I get killed when 2013 realizes how boring I am.
Grugly2013: The timeline on that is advancing faster than I expected.

Jeannie: You sure do have a lot of buyer’s remorse, dude.

It’s the lack of impulse control.

Grugly2008: On a related note, I ran out of money twice this year.

Bambi: Getting a little sick of this pantheon of one.

Jeannie: Could be worse, we could be stuck on some disintegrating storage CD.

Jeannie: If literal annihilation is the alternative, I’ll take axes and zombies and courthouse bombs any day.

Bambi: Personally, I think I’ll get shot.

Why?

Bambi: My name is “Bambi.”

I’d be more worried about your mom, then.

Bambi: I don’t have a mom.

And that doesn’t worry you?

Bambi: The point is, Jeannie, we’re all gonna die eventually. We might as well fuck around while we’re still alive.

The premise of Game of Thrones, distilled.

Jeannie: It’s actually called A So—

YES, I KNOW

EVERYONE KNOWS

Jeannie: You just made me say “ah so.”
Grugly2008: That’s racist.
Grugly2013: Oh no, we become racist!

Jeannie: I mean, is it racist, though?

No, it’s a real thing they say in Japan that gets overused in racial caricatures.

Jeannie: So, it is racist.

Yes, but I’m not racist for making the joke, because it’s a joke about racists.

Bambi: Are you racist for lingering on the explanation?

No, that’s just me not being funny.

Bambi: What a fascinating story to stab into my book.

Isn’t it cute when your pets wink at you?

Grugly2013: Wow, she’s really boring.

Yeah, thanks for inviting her in.

Grugly2013: A house this big, I thought it could accommodate at least one stray.

A house this big, and not one character in it.

The bread has more human interest.

Jeannie: Does that make me a cannibal?

Jeannie: I just drowned the bread crumbs. Does that make me Phil Collins?

That’s an interior window.

Jeannie: Interior windows fill me with awe, okay?

Thank god there’s still some things that can fill me with awe.

For a moment I hoped this was the first in a series of time-is-passing images.

Turns out it was just lazy and pointless.

Nick: You talking about me?

Nick: If not, you should be.

Grugly2013: Yeah, I don’t know why I bothered with this.

The reader is probably having the same thoughts.

Jeannie: WAIT, I HAVE A GREAT IDEA

I’ll be sure to implement it in Chapter 641.

Jeannie: SIX FORTY-ONE?!

Bambi: That soon?

Bambi: I hope it’s the roof-falling-in thing.

Jeannie: I hope it’s the brain thing.

Next time: a wedding thing.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 29 May 2013 to 30 May 2013.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.