The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 573

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Updates whenever I damn well please!

Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
All naked fake people/fake people having fake sex are 18+ and consenting.

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In which hard time is pretty easy.

Makes me laugh every time.

This is new, but it also makes me laugh.

Pictured: proof that I don’t know what to do with these people anymore.

Grugly2013: We could just, y’know, look at them.

Only when they’re doing stupid shit like this, thanks.

Laci: Oh, hey, I walked a kilometre outdoors in the nude, and I’m only just now noticing.
Victor: And we thank you for your service, officer.

Victor: By all means take your time correcting it, corrections officer.

Victor: Man, who do I have to kill to get into your jail/pants?

Laci: Did I hear that as jail-slash-pants, or jailpants?

Doesn’t matter, your uniform has a skirt.

Michael: My uniform doesn’t even have shoes.

Michael: So this is what “hard time” is like.

Laci: I could go for another hard time right about now.

Laci: But we’ve lost the hardest time of all!

Oh, thank fuck.

Grugly2013: What did you call me?

Michael: Hey hot stuff, new look?
Laci: The latest from 2010.

Laci: .oO(Oh god, I have a type.)

Michael: .oO(She’d better not be thinking I look like Alvin.)

Michael: .oO(Actually fuck it, I’ll take what I can get.)

Why didn’t it occur to me to use thoughts when their mouths aren’t moving before?

Grugly2013: Because so far your thought captions have sucked?
Laci: .oO(Fuck it.)

Laci: Wanna give me another bad rap?
Michael: Wait, was it bad?

Laci: Metaphors only stretch so far.
Michael: Got anything stretchier?

Laci: Hey man, I was just listening to your doppelganger make a vagina-stretching joke and I thought hey, at least Alvin doesn’t do that.

Laci: Wanna come over to my/the taxpayers’ place?

Michael: *gasp* What is it?!
Laci: No man knows.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: MAN she looks like she’d be cute up close, from a distance!

Laci: Wish I could say the same about you.

Laci: These bricks are actually just a texture.
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Wild.

Laci: Also I fucked a prisoner last night!
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Wilder!

Michael: We could save a lot of money if we stop heating the floors and just give the prisoners socks.

Wildest.

Michael: How is that wildest?

Extra spending is justified if it means stripping more dignity from prisoners, obviously. What kind of Simerican are you?

Michael: What’s up with your face texture?
Karina: It’s an incentive for you to get behind me.

Michael: But your chest looks like it would be neat.
Karina: It’s the clothes doing that.

Michael: Aren’t you my lawyer? Shouldn’t we be talking law things?
Karina: Oh, law-wise, you’re totally fucked.

Michael: In that case, might as well get holistically fucked.

What are you doing here? I was gonna have one or the other of them say “hey baby, wanna [get fucked in your/fuck my] holistics” but you ruined it.

Ally: You could have just moved this pic.

Too lazy!

Ally: Or not used it at all.

Too horny!

Karina: Hey baby, wanna fuck my holistics?
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: TOO REPETITIVE
Laci: BOO

Laci: We do a little booing.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Will you be my boo?
Karina: I get the sense the Maker is not entirely invested in this chapter.
Michael: You’re getting that sense because you’re the reason.

I think it’s all of you, actually.

Michael: Let’s give him something to talk about.

Karina: How about fuck?

Grugly2013: How about symmetry?

Laci: How about sodomy?
Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: What?
Laci: Your angle’s off.

Michael: Does this thing come off?
Karina: Probably take a little skin with it, but yeah.

Karina: Skin me, baby.

Michael: One more time?

♪ People are fuckin’ ♪

♪ Fuckin’ with people ♪

♪ I hear ’em fuckin’ ♪

♪ You won’t believe it ♪

♪ They say we’re fuckers ♪

♪ And all uncovered ♪

♪ I’ll just keep filmin’ ♪

♪ And they’ll keep fuckin’ ♪

♪ They fuck just a little too long ♪

♪ Fuck just a little too hard ♪

♪ They stand just a little too weird ♪

♪ I guess she’s leavin’ ♪

♪ I should stop singin’ ♪

♪ Now she’s got somethin’ to think about ♪

Karina: Somethin’ to think about.

♪ A legal issue to wrangle out ♪

Karina: Somethin’ to think about.

♪ Now she’s got somethin’ to think about, and it’s disbarment

Karina: Whoah, ooh oh?

Laci: Was it good for you?

Nope?

Laci: SAME

I could keep going.

Grugly2013: Morally, though?

Not very dang much of this is moral.

Michael: So why should any of it be?

Laci: You make a good point.

Michael: My good point is all yours, baby.

Laci: Your life seems to have improved since going to prison.

Michael: Don’t flatter yourself.

Laci: I mean, I wasn’t gonna? That’s your job.

Michael: No fair taking advantage of how much I love jobs.

Michael: In fact—
Laci: Nah, I just gave Alvin one.

Michael: …what?
Laci: Hmm?

Michael: FUCK THAT THOUGHT AWAY

Laci: BET YOU’RE GLAD OUR FLUIDS ARE IMAGINARY

Michael: Yeah, I certainly can’t stop imagining them.

Laci: I used to be a prison guard, and then I took a desk through the knee.

Laci: Wayyyyyyy through.

Michael: That was fun.
Laci: Take your word for it.

Michael: Hide how my ponytail clips through my back.
Laci: Anything for you, hon.

Michael: This is probably not the right time or place for this.
Laci: PROBABLY?!

Michael: I’ve been thinking about you every day today!

Michael: Will you marry me?
Laci: CAN I EVEN?

Laci: Fuck it, let’s find out.

Michael: Marriage! It means fuck-all around here.

Laci: You’re just trying to deepen that precedent.
Michael: It’s been a day for going deep.

Laci: Ow.

Laci: I used to be married to the warden, you know.
Michael: What was that like?
Laci: Like five hundred and seventy chapters ago.

Laci: This story is so badly paced.

And only barely a story!

Grugly2013: I’ll get around to it eventually.

Michael: How would you rate my penis?
Laci: Reluctantly?

Michael: Interesting. Out of a possible ten, how would you rank my sexual performance?
Laci: With ten being William? You don’t want to know.

Michael: Have you fucked William?
Laci: I don’t remember, but probably.

Ally: Good rule of thumb.

Next time: going postal.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 29 May 2013.

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