The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 570

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Updates whenever I damn well please!

Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
All naked fake people/fake people having fake sex are 18+ and consenting.

Click Here for Previous Entries!

In which somebody gets done, but nobody gets anything done.

Kelsey: I’m crushed.

Kelsey: Hey, the world exists again. Wanna shake the dust out of our genitals?

Kelsey: I told him I had weed.

Leonard: She told me she had weed.

Kelsey: Bad news! Plural.

Leonard: News plural, or weed plural?
Kelsey: News is automatically plural.

Kelsey: Otherwise it’s just ‘new’.

Kelsey: Right?

Kelsey: Alvin’s a werewolf now.
Leonard: How did that happen?
Kelsey: It fuckin’ didn’t.

Leonard: I refuse to believe that the world is that bugged-out.
Kelsey: He said, as he placed his hand directly into his skull, through the frame of his glasses.

Grugly2013: Yeah, I don’t see anything wrong here.

Leonard: Do you think I’m hot?

Kelsey: I think you’re room temperature.

Leonard: I think your room is dirty.

Kelsey: I’m wiping my hands right now.

Leonard: Joke’s on you, I don’t do my own laundry.

Kelsey: That would explain why you’re so quick to come in your pants.

Leonard: I can’t believe he let you say that.
Kelsey: The trick is to phrase the joke so that it doesn’t work until after the gross part is said out loud.

Leonard: I thought I was the trick.
Kelsey: Only if you pay.

Leonard: I’m paying in future back problems.

Kelsey: Your back’ll be fine, Murphies don’t really use their spines.

Kelsey: See? You’re not even tense.
Leonard: Yeah, you die as much as I have, you kinda stop worrying about things.

Kelsey: Yeah, I’ve dyed a lot too.

Leonard: You mean it isn’t naturally this colour?
Kelsey: Nothing outside of poisonous snakes is naturally this colour.

Kelsey: Also you’ve seen my pubic hair.

And then she tickled his dick with her nose.

Leonard: It’s as cool as it sounds.

Kelsey: “Cool”?
Leonard: You don’t think blowjobs are cool?

Kelsey: I don’t think anything involving a Murphy is cool.

Leonard: You shouldn’t have gotten involved with me, then.

Leonard: wfmfs hmpfenimph?

Leonard: Heyyyyyy… you don’t have any pubic hair!

Kelsey: Made you look.


Grugly2013: Dangit, don’t leave the lot.
Kelsey: Why?
Grugly2013: ‘cuz I don’t have a spare half-hour.

Prof. Rebecca: Oh, you sexy snake in the grass you!

You’re trawling at the church?

Kelsey: Plenty of people have found religion with me.


Brandi: Oh, what a diamond in the daffodils.

Kelsey: Hey, it’s the sentient sunburn!

Kelsey: And the tall dark murderer.

Kelsey: Only I don’t know that part.
Stephen: Wanna know my part instead?

Kelsey: We still haven’t plumbed the depths of double-entendres, apparently.
Corey: Want me to plumb your depths instead?

Kelsey: I mean, given my options…

Kelsey: Come slither into my garden of earthly delights.

Corey: So, you’re doing this again.


Corey: How come?

Haven’t died or anything, I guess.

Kelsey: I’m one of the few people here who can sympathize with that.

Kelsey: Did you not get that bit about you coming?

Corey: Maybe I don’t wanna get bit.

Kelsey: Well, let me know if you want a bite instead.

Corey: Getting kinda crowded out here.
Leonard: One, two, plus me is… yeah, crowd, checks out.


Corey: An audacious proposal!


Corey: Don’t worry, if I ever get married it will be purely to take advantage of spousal testimony laws.

Kelsey: I like a man who exploits his relationships.

Grugly2013: I should rotate those cars occasionally.

You won’t, though.

Grugly2013: You could.

I won’t, though.

Corey: Who the fuck is that?



Corey: I’m game, as long as there’s something good to stick into it.

Corey: Thank god, you knew what I meant.

Kelsey: I’m known for my knowing.

Corey: I know.

Kelsey: Let’s get to know each other.

Corey: I know! Let’s get with each other.

Kelsey: I’m running out of foreplay.
Corey: Then I hope he’s running out of pics.

I’m running out of range.

So, ’13, what’re you up to today?

Grugly2013: Don’t you know?

Oh, I do, actually! I’ve been saving all my old storage CDs. Let’s see…

On May 29, 2013, you were…

…no longer saving things to CD.

Grugly2013: That’s exactly right! Uncanny.

Kelsey: Michael killed a woman.
Corey: Pff, just one?

Kelsey: I’m gonna go stand over here, for unrelated reasons.

Corey: Ladies love a ladykiller.

Corey: Promise not to push you over.

Corey: Unless you seem into it.

Corey: I’m into you.

Kelsey: I’m into that.

Corey: I’m in you.
Kelsey: Oh, I thought that was the joke we were already making.

Corey: We never make one joke when we can stretch it out to two.

Kelsey: Oh yeah, baby, stretch me out.

Kelsey: To two.

Corey: I don’t even know what th—
Kelsey: ‘k, I’m done.

Corey: You out-orgasmed me.
Kelsey: Yeah, isn’t that hot?

Kelsey: You appear to be—

Kelsey: That hardly seemed necessary. The male orgasm is a myth.

Leonard: It’s true.

Leonard: Do I look like a sexual being to you?

Chelsea: Dangit, I thought it was my day for kidnapping!

Corey: She ain’t no kid, I’ll tell you that much for free.


You got her a funding piano.

Kelsey: Don’t be ridiculous. I kept the piano and sold Corey.

Kelsey: Do you like my blood-stained floor?

Your piano is yellow now.

Kelsey: Yeah, it wasn’t cool with the whole murder thing.

Kelsey: This series of jokes concluded, I will wind down with some good old fashioned comfort nothing.

Kelsey: Ha ha oh that Kramer.

Kelsey: I guess mom wants me to follow in her footsteps.

If I were to characterize Chelsea’s activity with a body part, it wouldn’t be her feet.

Kelsey: Well, I’m already following in her fucksteps.

Kelsey: And I’ve got the flora to prove it.

Kelsey: That’s what I call my yeast infection.

Next time: uh, maybe something less filthy than this was?

I’m still trying to remember what the precise filth level of my authorial voice was.

Like, a year ago.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 29 May 2013.

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