Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Updates whenever I damn well please!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
All naked fake people/fake people having fake sex are 18+ and consenting.
In which somebody gets done, but nobody gets anything done.
Kelsey: I’m crushed.
Kelsey: Hey, the world exists again. Wanna shake the dust out of our genitals?
Kelsey: I told him I had weed.
Leonard: She told me she had weed.
Kelsey: Bad news! Plural.
Leonard: News plural, or weed plural?
Kelsey: News is automatically plural.
Kelsey: Otherwise it’s just ‘new’.
Kelsey: Alvin’s a werewolf now.
Leonard: How did that happen?
Kelsey: It fuckin’ didn’t.
Leonard: I refuse to believe that the world is that bugged-out.
Kelsey: He said, as he placed his hand directly into his skull, through the frame of his glasses.
Grugly2013: Yeah, I don’t see anything wrong here.
Leonard: Do you think I’m hot?
Kelsey: I think you’re room temperature.
Leonard: I think your room is dirty.
Kelsey: I’m wiping my hands right now.
Leonard: Joke’s on you, I don’t do my own laundry.
Kelsey: That would explain why you’re so quick to come in your pants.
Leonard: I can’t believe he let you say that.
Kelsey: The trick is to phrase the joke so that it doesn’t work until after the gross part is said out loud.
Leonard: I thought I was the trick.
Kelsey: Only if you pay.
Leonard: I’m paying in future back problems.
Kelsey: Your back’ll be fine, Murphies don’t really use their spines.
Kelsey: See? You’re not even tense.
Leonard: Yeah, you die as much as I have, you kinda stop worrying about things.
Kelsey: Yeah, I’ve dyed a lot too.
Leonard: You mean it isn’t naturally this colour?
Kelsey: Nothing outside of poisonous snakes is naturally this colour.
Kelsey: Also you’ve seen my pubic hair.
And then she tickled his dick with her nose.
Leonard: It’s as cool as it sounds.
Leonard: You don’t think blowjobs are cool?
Kelsey: I don’t think anything involving a Murphy is cool.
Leonard: You shouldn’t have gotten involved with me, then.
Leonard: wfmfs hmpfenimph?
Leonard: Heyyyyyy… you don’t have any pubic hair!
Kelsey: Made you look.
Kelsey: WE DID THE WRONG SEX
Grugly2013: Dangit, don’t leave the lot.
Grugly2013: ‘cuz I don’t have a spare half-hour.
Prof. Rebecca: Oh, you sexy snake in the grass you!
You’re trawling at the church?
Kelsey: Plenty of people have found religion with me.
PFFFFFFFFF FF FF FF
Brandi: Oh, what a diamond in the daffodils.
Kelsey: Hey, it’s the sentient sunburn!
Kelsey: And the tall dark murderer.
Kelsey: Only I don’t know that part.
Stephen: Wanna know my part instead?
Kelsey: We still haven’t plumbed the depths of double-entendres, apparently.
Corey: Want me to plumb your depths instead?
Kelsey: I mean, given my options…
Kelsey: Come slither into my garden of earthly delights.
Corey: So, you’re doing this again.
Corey: How come?
Haven’t died or anything, I guess.
Kelsey: I’m one of the few people here who can sympathize with that.
Kelsey: Did you not get that bit about you coming?
Corey: Maybe I don’t wanna get bit.
Kelsey: Well, let me know if you want a bite instead.
Corey: Getting kinda crowded out here.
Leonard: One, two, plus me is… yeah, crowd, checks out.
Kelsey: TWO SEX IN ONE CHAPTER
Corey: An audacious proposal!
Kelsey: NO PROPOSALS IN ANY CHAPTER
Corey: Don’t worry, if I ever get married it will be purely to take advantage of spousal testimony laws.
Kelsey: I like a man who exploits his relationships.
Grugly2013: I should rotate those cars occasionally.
You won’t, though.
Grugly2013: You could.
I won’t, though.
Corey: Who the fuck is that?
Kelsey: ATTACK OF THE FIRE CLOUD PEOPLE
Open your FUCKING MOUTHS
Corey: I’m game, as long as there’s something good to stick into it.
Corey: Thank god, you knew what I meant.
Kelsey: I’m known for my knowing.
Corey: I know.
Kelsey: Let’s get to know each other.
Corey: I know! Let’s get with each other.
Kelsey: I’m running out of foreplay.
Corey: Then I hope he’s running out of pics.
I’m running out of range.
So, ’13, what’re you up to today?
Grugly2013: Don’t you know?
Oh, I do, actually! I’ve been saving all my old storage CDs. Let’s see…
On May 29, 2013, you were…
…no longer saving things to CD.
Grugly2013: That’s exactly right! Uncanny.
Kelsey: Michael killed a woman.
Corey: Pff, just one?
Kelsey: I’m gonna go stand over here, for unrelated reasons.
Corey: Ladies love a ladykiller.
Corey: Promise not to push you over.
Corey: Unless you seem into it.
Corey: I’m into you.
Kelsey: I’m into that.
Corey: I’m in you.
Kelsey: Oh, I thought that was the joke we were already making.
Corey: We never make one joke when we can stretch it out to two.
Kelsey: Oh yeah, baby, stretch me out.
Kelsey: To two.
Corey: I don’t even know what th—
Kelsey: ‘k, I’m done.
Corey: You out-orgasmed me.
Kelsey: Yeah, isn’t that hot?
Kelsey: You appear to be—
Corey: WELL WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
Kelsey: That hardly seemed necessary. The male orgasm is a myth.
Leonard: It’s true.
Leonard: Do I look like a sexual being to you?
Chelsea: Dangit, I thought it was my day for kidnapping!
Corey: She ain’t no kid, I’ll tell you that much for free.
Chelsea: KELSEY! I GOT YOU A FUCK-PIANO!
You got her a funding piano.
Kelsey: Don’t be ridiculous. I kept the piano and sold Corey.
Kelsey: Do you like my blood-stained floor?
Your piano is yellow now.
Kelsey: Yeah, it wasn’t cool with the whole murder thing.
Kelsey: This series of jokes concluded, I will wind down with some good old fashioned comfort nothing.
Kelsey: Ha ha oh that Kramer.
Kelsey: I guess mom wants me to follow in her footsteps.
If I were to characterize Chelsea’s activity with a body part, it wouldn’t be her feet.
Kelsey: Well, I’m already following in her fucksteps.
Kelsey: And I’ve got the flora to prove it.
Kelsey: That’s what I call my yeast infection.
Next time: uh, maybe something less filthy than this was?
I’m still trying to remember what the precise filth level of my authorial voice was.
Like, a year ago.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 29 May 2013.