In which love comes to nobody.
Mallory: I think I’ll ride a horse, if it’s all the same to you.
Mallory: I just got a sweet burn off on an old man.
Franklin: Did he ge-
Mallory: Of course he didn’t get it, that’s not the point.
Franklin: Well hello there, girl who isn’t Mallory! Yes I would like to make out with you right now!
Franklin: The only other woman here is, of course, Mallory, who is, of course, an unfuckable bitch.
Emerson: Someone call me?
Emerson: Okay, a state court judge might be setting my sights too high.
Emerson: There anyone who’s hot and unaccomplished in this book?
Emerson: So, not really?
What about Mallory?
Emerson: She ain’t pretty, she just looks that way.
Emerson: So? SO?! YOU WERE A TEENAGER ONCE, TOO!
Emerson: I JUST WANT MY MOUTH TONGUED
Emerson: No, please don’t tell anyone I said that.
Emerson: No, please don’t tell everyone I said that.
Emerson: How does she even know everyone?!
Emerson: I HAVE NOT YET BEEN ALIVE
Emerson: But! Today’s a new day.
Veronica: Not for you!
Emerson: Hi! I’m Emerson!
Veronica: You look a lot like the boring guy I met outside.
Veronica: Okay, you’re right, I needed glasses.
Emerson: Apparently I did too!
Veronica: Me because I couldn’t tell you were just one boring dork, and you because you thought I was in your boring dork league.
Franklin: Who’s the sexy glasses chick?
Emerson: She’s MY sexy glasses chick.
Mallory: Aw, guys, don’t fight over me! I’ll cheat with whichever one of you I’m not dating.
Franklin: Murphy sandwich: for or against?
Emerson: Cut it out, pinkwad.
Mallory: My wad is pink.
Emerson: I’m listening!
Veronica: HEY Y’ALL THIS ROSEBUD FILM’S ALRIGHT
Mallory: I’m going off to war.
Emerson: We’re not at war with anybody.
Mallory: Well, not yet.
Mallory: Wait’ll I get there!
Emerson: Thank you for your aggression.
Mallory: I’d do it for free, honestly.
Veronica: So, give me the tour!
Emerson: I’d rather take you ’round the world.
Veronica: Hey, sure, if you can afford it.
Veronica: Oh, boy! You’ve got an all-day sitting station!
Veronica: And an all-night lying station, too!
Add in a fridge and a bathroom, and it’s all I’d ever need.
Emerson: Except people.
No, I knew what I was saying.
Emerson: Okay, let’s learn more about each other. What’s your favourite band, Franklin?
Franklin: The Mars Volta.
Emerson: Okay, let’s learn less about each other.
Emerson: I listen to Coheed and Cambria.
Franklin: They haven’t existed since, like, the 2000s.
Emerson: They’re still performing.
Franklin: No, they were expunged from all records and fired into the sun. It was very official.
Emerson: What music do you listen to, Veronica?
Veronica: Mostly boys fighting.
Emerson: Brooke WHO? I know ten people by that name.
Emerson: How ’bout I call you Bob.
Brooke: I would accept “Barbara.”
Emerson: I think I should have a say in this.
Emerson: Good news! I found a redhead that likes me.
Veronica: I’ll accept the lie if it gets me out of here gracefully.
Emerson: She’ll take that back when I get to the club and probably find out I’m not just imagining all this.
Emerson: Well, Bob, we’re here.
Barbara: My name is BARBARA.
Emerson: You’ve already claimed to be two different people, I think I’d rather trust my gut than your words.
Emerson: Oh, Barbara, you’re probably hotter than whoever that is.
Emerson: Not by a lot, but.
Brooke: The only thing I’d like more than to fuck that man, is to be struck by a bus and killed.
Emerson: Remind me to tell you about my uncle Leonard some day.
Emerson: You’re her designated backup. If the date starts going badly, blackbag her and take her place.
Emerson: It doesn’t even need to be going that badly.
Barbara: That’s his name, alright.
Emerson: I just want you to know that I’m a one-man woman.
Barbara: So, a freak then.
Emerson: I’m not like one of those fuzzy-haired, physically fit men with giant dicks you hear about sometimes.
Barbara: I would like to hear more about those, some time.
Barbara: But! My bad judgement is presently enamoured with you.
Barbara: I think I need to see a psychiatrist.
Barbara: Failing that, a complete loser who’s never accomplished anything.
Emerson: Just call me failing that.
Barbara: Tongue my mouth, mister.
Emerson: There’s a demigod at the door.
Barbara: She can probably make it inside without your help.
Tucker: Hey baby, I’m on a beach in Hawaii.
Emerson: I feel like we’re the only two people in the world.
Barbara: From a playable standpoint, you’re right!
Barbara: Nobody has agency except us.
Emerson: Or maybe everybody has agency except us.
Barbara: Well… nobody can instigate murder but us.
Emerson: That’s a powerful tool for enforcing good date behaviour.
So, this is boring.
Let’s talk about how I’m re-installing TS2 again.
Windows 10 does NOT play nicely with this game. Basically, those of you who don’t have twenty gigs of custom content and neighbourhoods with hundreds of Sims and thousands of trees can cajole the thing into almost functioning, but I’m pretty much fucked.
So I partitioned off 100GB of my hard disk and installed Windows 7 to it for the express purpose of playing TS2.
Emerson: Mind if I grab your ass while he’s yammering?
Barbara: Anything to take my mind off it.
Emerson: That is the hottest face I’ve ever seen.
So yeah, I have a dual-boot system now just to play TS2.
Anyway I tried to start the install process, but it turns out Disc 1 of the original game is pooched. Probably because 1) it’s from 2004 and 2) it was my play disc for a year or two, and therefore got left lying around a lot.
I decided to make CD images of all four CDs, using Roadkil’s Unstoppable Copier to get all the files, uncorrupted, very carefully, off Disc 1. Once I had virtual versions of all four discs, I suddenly thought… why not do that for all of them?
Emerson: Speaking of “why not.”
Barbara: I’m down.
Barbara: WAYYYYYY down!
Chloe: Yay! Grass dick!
So now I’ve got twenty-seven disc images, 11.7GB, representing all eighteen components of TS2. And I found out that if you have more than one disc in the machine at a time – you’ve got two disc drives, or you’re virtualizing them the way I’m doing with these – the game doesn’t even prompt you to switch discs during install!
And this is on a solid-state machine.
Emerson: I’ve got a solid state of my own going, at the moment.
Brooke: He certainly does.
Nick: Hey there! Just gonna fuzz my giant, physically-fit dick on through here.
Venkat: I call dibs.
Barbara: On what?
Venkat: Just general dibs.
With no disc swapping, running the installs off images on a solid state drive, and all my product keys input into a .txt file years ago…I bet I can install this entire gigantic mess of a game in under twenty minutes.
Emerson: I think I could run a certain important task to completion within twenty minutes myself, to be honest.
Barbara: I won’t hold you to that.
Sunny Clark the Witch: I won’t hold you at all.
Gruglette Prime: Gimme a shot of the red stuff.
Emerson: Hey baby, want me to give you a shot of the white stuff?
Barbara: Two, if you can spare it!
Mrs. Crumplebottom: NO-ONE WILL BE SPARED
I dunno, these look like spares to me.
Luckily, I’ve paired them.
Barbara: What if I wanted to sit in the front?
Emerson: You’d be disappointed, I guess!
Next time: she’s disappointed.
Emerson: DON’T LISTEN TO HIM
This chapter depicts gameplay from 8 May 2013.