The Sharpevale Chronicles, Chapter 555

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In which I was gonna take the day off, and then I didn’t.

Chelsea: Well, you know, I appreciate it.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Show me your appreciation.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Yep, that’s appreciation alright.

Chelsea: Were you always that big?!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: It can’t talk, Chelsea.
Chelsea: It doesn’t need to.

Emma: When is the weird new man joining the family?
Oliver: The weird new man is NOT joining the family.
Emma: Why not? The last one did.

Chelsea: I’m… just doing this… for you.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Okay.
Chelsea: It’s not… bad. It’s an act… of charity!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Okay.

Chelsea: WHO SAYS CHARITY HAS TO BE SELFLESS

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: OHHHHH I’M ABOUT TO DE-WIFE YOU

Chelsea: You can’t “de-wife” me.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I’M STILL ABOUT TO, THOUGH

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Yep! You’re mine now!
Chelsea: Nope! I like it better when it’s bad.

Oliver: What’s all that racket? Is she having her next baby, like, express or something?

Oliver: This seems like a good time to clean the bathtub.

It really isn’t.

Oliver: I think it is, though! I bet it’s super dirty right now.

Chelsea: JUST ENOUGH

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: WHO AM I
Chelsea: NOT MY HUSBAND
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: SAY IT AGAIN
Chelsea: NOT MY HUSBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Yeah, fuck that guy.

Oliver: Shit! I’m sleepwalking.

Chelsea: I CAN EXPLAIN
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I can, too! I’m hotter than he is.

Oliver: How COULD she?!

Romance Sim.

Oliver: But we were-

Romance Sim.

Oliver: But she-

ROMANCE SIM

Grugly2013: ROMANCE SIM

Oliver: I hate Romance Sims.

Chelsea: Is he crying? I’m afraid to look.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: You might be surprised to hear this, but he’s not very interesting to me right now?

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Or, like, ever.

Oliver: THAT MIGHT CHANGE

Oliver: I’m gonna hire someone to beat the shit out of you!

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I offer my shit up freely enough as it is.

Oliver: GET OUT OF MY WIFE

Chelsea: Oh, but I’m so close…
Oliver: You’re having an orgasm with him?!
Chelsea: I mean I’m so close to my fifth.

Chelsea: HAHAHA YEP THERE IT IS

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: O-O-one is my l-limit, though, I’m afraid.

Chelsea: You gonna attack me?
Oliver: YES! Verbally.

Chelsea: Meh. You don’t know many verbs.

Oliver: I gave up everything for you.
Chelsea: You didn’t have anything.
Oliver: Just because it was easy doesn’t mean it didn’t happen!

Chelsea: I think this has all just been one big misunderstanding, champ.

Chelsea: You know I’d never cheat on you!
Oliver: THE HEADLINES DON’T LIE
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Speaking of lines, think I could get a path through…?

Oliver: Are you somehow saying you didn’t just cheat on me?
Chelsea: Yes! The man I married had red hair! If you loved me, you’d play to my Turn-Ons!

Chelsea: My husband died when you dyed, Oliver.
Oliver: I never thought of it that way!

Chelsea: That’s because it’s nonsense. But did it work?

Oliver: Yeah, give me a minute to think about this.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I fuckin’ hate that dude, and even I’m annoyed at this turn of events.

Oliver: No, she makes a really good point!

She doesn’t.

Oliver: It kinda is my fault!

It isn’t.

Oliver: Who knew a mirror could drive a woman to cheat?

IT COULDN’T

Oliver: I won’t make the same mistake twice.
Grugly2013: You haven’t made it ONCE

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: So, are we gonna make the same mistake twice, or…?
Chelsea: Give me a few minutes for damage control, first.

Chelsea: Also let’s take some pics, for posterity.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: More like posteriority.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: That was a pun.

Chelsea: Puns are not attractive.

Chelsea: That dick, though! Very attractive.

Chelsea: It has a fierce aspect about it.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Well, it did just fuck some dude’s wife.

Chelsea: And fucked her well, I might add!

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: At the end of the day, what more can you ask for.

Oliver: I don’t think the day’s over yet.

Oliver: Hey, honey.
Chelsea: You still mad at me?
Oliver:I mean…

Chelsea: I did explain to you how it’s your fault, though, right?

Oliver: I really hope you’ll forgive me.
Chelsea: Hmm.
Oliver: I jumped to conclusions! I made a mistake.
Chelsea: Hmmm.

Chelsea: Do you promise it won’t happen again?
Oliver: …you fucking some other dude, or…?
Chelsea: It doesn’t sound like you’ve learned your lesson.

Chelsea: You’ll have to sleep on the couch tonight.

Oliver: But-
Chelsea: No buts.
Oliver: But I like buts!

Chelsea: That was two more, after I specifically said no!
Oliver: Haha, yeah, snuck ’em right in there, I did.

Oliver: Hey, you’re still naked.
Chelsea: Hey, you’re still average.

Oliver: I’m red again, though! For you.
Chelsea: You shouldn’t have.

Yeah.

Grugly2013: That’s what we told him, but he wouldn’t listen.

Oliver: Am I making a mistake, again?
Chelsea: Oh, yeah, probably! Constantly.

Chelsea: Ya little bearded fuck.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I’m her large unbearded fuck!

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I like to think of this broom as my stairway to heaven.

To the sky!

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: No, not quite.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Well hello there, heaven!
Chelsea: Aw, hell.

Oliver: Did you just open a window?
Chelsea: Close the door.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Is the coast clear?
Chelsea: Yeah, I sent the coast guard down the river.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: You’ve still got it going on, baby.
Chelsea: Yeah? Well, make with the getting it going in, then.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Maybe not in the kids’ room.
Chelsea: Yeah, maybe.

Chelsea: Then again, I’m horny.

Chelsea: And you’re naked.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: YOU were naked.
Chelsea: It’s my house?

Oliver: Get your foot off my dick.

Oliver: Focus on the stuff that’s supposed to be exposed!

Oliver: Make a wish!

I hope he wishes for you to put some goddamned clothing on.

Oliver: He didn’t! Also it’s a she.

Oliver: She, meet shitter!

Tandie: .oO(Whatever you do, dude, don’t look up.)

Whatever you do, Oliver, don’t look upstairs.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Nah, he’s got nothing upstairs.

Chelsea: He’s got a wife.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Nah, I’ve got her.

Chelsea: Well, what you have, you’ll hold.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I love you.
Chelsea: Sucker.

Chelsea: What? You’re a sucker, is all.

Oliver: ♪ Happy birthday to who? Happy birthday to who? ♪

Oliver: ♪ Happy birthday, your genetics, and your personality too! ♪

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: And many whore!

Chelsea: Just one, thank you.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: No, thank you.

Oliver: Which one’s this?

I called the last one Tandie, so this is Tawnie.

Oliver: Is it actually, though?

Fucked if I know.

Chelsea: I’m fucked whether I know or not!

Chelsea: If you go, can your penis stay?

Chelsea: Please? You’re an awful big support system for just one vibrator.

Oliver: Who were you talking to?
Chelsea: Myself.
Oliver: Whose was the other voice?
Chelsea: Also myself. Myselfs.

Chelsea: Oliver, I’m gonna level with you. I’m a ventriloquist.

Oliver: NO WIFE OF MINE

Chelsea: Do you like my new dummy?

Tawnie: .oO(IMPERIAL WALKERS AT THE SOUTH RIDGE!)

Chelsea: This is a secondary function of my “o” face.

Chelsea: Yeah, sure, kick me in the boob. Why the fuck not.

Meanwhile, we barely knew Horace.

And we definitely don’t know Timber.

Chelsea: TIMMMBERRRRRR

I think it says a lot about a person, what they focus on first in this picture.

I mean, for most of us, it’s gonna be one or the other refrigerator, right?

Chelsea: *sad trumpet*

Oliver: For a sad occasion!

Oliver: Do you know why we blow the candles out?

Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death! ♪

Oliver: Fuckin’ right.

Oliver: TANNNNERRRRRR

That’s not a thing.

Oliver: But I used the same number of letters!

Chelsea: I’m surprised you still can. Use letters.

Chelsea: You dingus.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Somebody call for a dingus?

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: The goofball go to bed?
Chelsea: Who cares.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: That’s the spirit!
Chelsea: The spirit of 4AM.

If I had an airplane, I’d call it that.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I’d call mine Wife Fuck One.

Chelsea: I’d call mine Dream at 20,000 Feet.

Pictured: the actual physical location of hell.

Oliver: It is below me…

Don’t ask me to blow you!

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Whatever you’re saying, the answer is “No.”

Chelsea: That’s been my experience of life, certainly.

Chelsea: How the FUCK am I gonna clean this mess up?
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Rat poison?

Chelsea: Would you FUCKING LEARN TO SPEAK already?! I want to promote you to head caregiver.

Hector: .oO(I’ll take a promotion to rear shitgiver!)

Horace: DON’T PROMOTE HIM HE PUT HIS HAND IN THE TOILET
Chelsea: Baby’s first tattle! Also words!

Chelsea: Also PAINS

This can’t be happening.

Chelsea: Yeah, it must be TERRIBLE for YOU

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: This house is, like, the ur-example of marriage collapse. What did I just say? What’s an ur-example?
Grugly2013: Sometimes we just gotta put words in your mouth, stupid.

Grugly2013: You think we’re gonna sit around and wait for schlubs like this loser to say something profound?

Chelsea: Shift change.

Oliver: Shift happens, I guess.

Chelsea: You stole that joke from Scott Adams.

He deserves to have ALL his jokes stolen.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: It’s a day for stealing things.

Chelsea: It’s not stealing when you want to be taken.

Chelsea: …is that a PRISON UNIFORM?

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: No.

Chelsea: Gotta get that peripheral vision checked.

Bree: COME SIDE-EYE US

Emma: TO MAKE SURE WE’RE STILL REAL

Oliver:IT’S THE ONLY CONNECTION THEY FEEEEEL
Hannah: What the FUCK

Tanner: .oO(Speak up if you don’t want your head crushed.)

Tanya: .oO(I wasn’t thinking to YOU, asshole.)

Oliver: There are too many of these.

Of course there are!

So few of them make it to maturity.

I mean, look at these gormless little fucks.

And these fuckful little gorms.

And that hair.

Oliver: Clever girl.

Oliver: That’s what we’re ending on, isn’t it?
Hannah: Quit while you’re behind!

I’m NOT behind! Because I DIDN’T quit.

Next time: sucking! It’s not just the first thing the word makes you think of.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 7 May 2013.

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