The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 553

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In which men do so have a negative reaction to emotional cheating.

Today we’re doing a “lower decks” style examination of those perennial peripheral characters, the stank flies.

Now the actual story will be a lot more entertaining.




Grugly2013: Hello?

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Hello!

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I just came….
Chelsea: …to say hello?
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: No, I just came.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Let me in so I can change my underwear.

Chelsea: You can change mine, too.

Chelsea: What are you doing here, Don?
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: That’s up to you, innit?

Chelsea: I’m married? I’ve got kids.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Yeah, I’ll admit that’s kind of a turn-off, but.

Chelsea: I wish I could turn you off, butt.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I wish I could turn your BUTT off!

Oliver: ♪ Fuck me a lady tonight ♪

Oliver: ♪ Never get out of my sight ♪


Chelsea: That was both clever and appropriate.

Chelsea: Don’t look under the bed.

Oliver: Ooh, a game I can win!

Oliver: I’ve been winning it this whole time, in fact!


Grugly2013: Sorr-


Marco Vendachi the Warlock: The fuck you doing out here?
Oliver: Just bein’!

Oliver: Also exercising my federal franchise.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: That’s a mailbox.
Oliver: Yeah, we do mail-in ball-
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: WE DON’T DO ANY BALLOTS

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Alright, I came in through the servants entrance.
Chelsea: You mean the door?

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Let me service you.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Okay, we could do one of those porns where the husband is, like, right there, but doesn’t notice!
Chelsea: That sounds great! How do we get him on board, though?

In this game?

You don’t.

Oliver: I found this business man outside. I think he misses his business.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I intend to get all up inside someone else’s business, soon!
Oliver: Hahaha, oh, businessmen! You so rapacious.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Please don’t hold his unfortunate choice of words against me.

Oliver: I’m gonna introduce you to a business man. He might take you to his business monastery and make you a business monk, some day!

Oliver: This is our most attractive child!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: She’s not my type.

Oliver: Yeah, I… didn’t really mean it that way.
Chelsea: Shouldn’t’ve really said it that way, then.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Also not my type: this battlefield of fallen child soldiers.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Pretty nice domestic situation you got here. Be a shame if someone fucked it all up.
Oliver: I agree!

Chelsea: Shame is one of my kinks.

Chelsea: I have pretty much all the kinks.

Marco: I have one, but, it’s… you.

Oliver: Wow, check out the limp wrist on that dude! He is no threat to me, haha!

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Like he needs threats.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Beyond, y’know, himself.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: This is a pretty great terrifying wall-dwelling you’ve built!

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Lots of garbage on the lawn, though. And on the kitchen floor.

Chelsea: Asshole.

Oliver: Why is there an asshole in my living room?

Oliver: Oh! You’re going to be a good influence on him. That sounds like you!

Oliver: My wife is the best wife.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: “My wife is the best wife.”
Chelsea: Fuck off.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Are you inviting me to a fuck-off?

Chelsea: Possssibly.

Chelsea: Oh, this feels so wrong. Why does this feel wrong? I’m a Romance Sim.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: You might have turned Family by default when you had your seventeenth child?

Chelsea: Okay, I’ve only had… uh… uhhhhh…
Oliver: Don’t you kids be uhhhh-uhhhhhing in there!

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I can’t believe you left me for him.
Chelsea: I can’t believe you’re on about that after how many decades?

I keep meaning to do up a timeline.

If only I was famous enough for a wiki.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: He wants more fame! Quick, let’s fuck in creative and hilarious ways!

Chelsea: You’re supposed to be a dude I don’t even know, dude.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Well obviously it’s working, since you just called me “dude”!

Oliver: She’s not THAT ugly.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I’mma go check on her.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Ah, the bathroom. This is where it all started.

Chelsea: That’s just in the book. In the Chronicles I was making out with him in the living room, like a goddamn lunatic.

Chelsea: And it wasn’t even either of our living rooms!

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I’ll never forget how I beat the shit out of him.

Chelsea: Apparently you will?

Oliver: I haven’t read the book. What happens?

This guy walks in on this girl cheating on him with you.

Oliver: That sounds TERRIBLE!

Chelsea: What? He was just telling me how to take a shit.

Chelsea: Don’t have a cow.

Chelsea: And ignore that! It’s just signifying how my special new shits are breaking all the rules!

Oliver: I only MOSTLY believe that.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I could fight you in the living room, if it would make you feel better.

Hector: Who’s this fuckin’ guy?
Rip Co. Wobbly Wabbit Head: He’s a fuckin’ guy, alright.

Oliver: I thought you were cheating on me.
Chelsea: Christ, you walk in on me holding hands with a stranger in the bathroom and you leap STRAIGHT to conclusions!

Oliver: I just know what a bwitch you are.

Chelsea: Nice save?

Hector: What’s a bwitch?
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Less powerful than an awitch.

Chelsea: Look. I’m raising your kids. I married you! What more do you want, fidelity?!

Oliver: Mostly I want you to stop cockblocking me with the business man.

Chelsea: I just met the business man! I didn’t know he was gonna show up and want to do business while you walked around with a stick in your pants!

Oliver: Kiss my stick.

Chelsea: I mean, if that’s what it takes to make you happy…

Chelsea: We could just kiss normally, though.
Oliver: I didn’t know you did anything normally.

Chelsea: Normally I don’t!

Chelsea: But you’re the normal in my life.
Oliver: Awwww.
Chelsea: You’re so normal, you took that as a compliment!

Chelsea: Having me as your wife is the best compliment anyone ever paid you.

Chelsea: Look how hot I am.
Oliver: I always do!

Oliver: Just promise me you won’t cheat.
Chelsea: I promise.

Next time: she cheats.

Oliver: What?

This chapter depicts gameplay from 7 May 2015.

Oliver: I don’t believe you. She promised!

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