The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 538

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In which I’m so slippin’ you can almost call me Jimmy.

Richard: Hey, fat lady! Is my date somewhere behind you?

Richard: I mean HI MY DATE! Please don’t suck me dry.

Richard: Except, you know, in the other way.

Ember: Yeah, we won’t rule that out.

Richard: Wait, aren’t you with… that scary death goblin?

Richard: I don’t wanna mess with no scary death goblins.

Ember: He’s a very nice scary death goblin, though!

Richard: Well, I’m convinced.

Richard: Let’s look around some! Figure out why the fuck we came here.

Brooke: Maybe you’re looking for new clothes?
Richard: That doesn’t sound like me.

Richard: Maybe I’m looking to correct other people’s clothes.

Richard: Can I buy you a new haircut?

Ember: For me?! What is it?
Richard: A box, stupid.

Ember: I’ve always wanted a box stupid.

Richard: Let me be stupid in your box.

Ember: I don’t want you stinking my box up.

Ember: I’ve purchased several glass and polymer objects which do the same thing as your stupid-doer, without the stink.

Ember: I don’t want to be picking your pubes out of my pubes tomorrow.

Richard: Is this forget-juice? I hope this is forget-juice.

BONK

Ember: Forget you, juice-bonker.

Sunny Clark the Witch: Hey, Ember, what’s up?
Ember: Who?

Sunny Clark the Witch: Oh, you’re… okay. Bye?

I get that establishing shots are good.

But I never know what to say when they come up.

So I just say this.

Richard: Hey there, wanna go somewhere private?

Richard: …wait, are you… working-class?!

Richard: I prefer the idle rich.

I’m gonna start calling you that.

Idle Rich.

Ember: Ma peeps!

Ember: .oO(Should I say something?)
Richard: .oO(Surely she’s going to say something.)
Ember: .oO(Maybe he’s going to say something?)
Grugly2013: .oO(I sure hope one of them says something.)

Richard: Hey baby, you ever put a block of cheese in cling wrap, but instead of doing it all geometric-like you just slap that shit around randomly?

Ember: Oh yeah baby, you know I do!

Brady: I’m glad we passed that law allowing vampires to marry.

There’s no law about that.

Brady: VAMPIRES CAN’T MARRY?!

Jessie: Bam! Shoot her right in the temple. Clean shot.
Valerie: …what?

Grugly2013: Yeah, what?

Jessie: I’m thinkin’ once in the heart, once in the head to make sure he stays down.
Victor: …what?

Ember: There’s a weird man plotting to murder you in there.
Richard: I think he’s plotting to murder all the teenagers, for some reason?
Ember: Well, it’s okay. There’s a cop in there, he’ll stop it.

HA. HA.

Richard: Here we go.

Yeah, I’m still pissed off. People were all like “The cops are murdering people,” so they were all like “Defund the cops!” because it’s like with the “God Particle,” nobody fucking told them “That sentence is phrased very poorly and will ruin your message.”

And now all the tightie righties are going “BUH BUH BUH YOU WANT TO TAKE ALL THE MONEY AWAY FROM THE COPS” and the left is like “No we just want to take away the money they’re spending on fucking tanks and shit.”

But now I’m like you know what? Fucking defund the cops, in every sense of the word, I’m fucking sick of them.

Every time I look at the news some fucking cop responded to a wellness check by tasing someone and shooting them five times in the head.

Richard: I guess he’s not feeling funny today.

THE WORLD’S GONE FUNNY ALREADY

YOU WANT HUMOUR, READ THE NEWS

Richard: We can’t read the news. You won’t make the newspapers anymore.

Richard: ♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪
Ember: No.

Ember: No fuckin’ spiders.

Grugly2013: No fuckin’ Slow Dance, either.

Hear, hear.

And the award for Worst Social Interaction goes to…

Grugly2013: The shit they made Wants for, man.

I know, right? How often on a first date do you go “Look, I don’t want to talk, or watch a movie, or kiss; could you just massage my back?”

Grugly2013: “Or maybe we could just rotate in a circle to music neither of us can hear, because it isn’t real?”

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: I put fizzy pop in my hair.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: It made my hair go fizzy.

SPLORPSPLORP

Ember: You are now under my spell.
Richard: “Now,” she says.

Theresa: Ain’t on duty, ain’t interferin’.

Grugly2013: Ain’t interested, ain’t capturin’ no bites.

Ember: I give you… BLACKULA!

1. That’s a movie.
2. Dude’s clearly blue.

I hate it.

Ember: I hate it too.

Richard: It’s super cool how you did that with everyone watching.

Something very slightly changes in the window between these two shots.

I think ’13 noticed walls down between Ember’s and Richard’s hair.

’13 is, like, the opposite of ’06.

Grugly2013: Thank you!

Richard: So long, and thanks for all the undeath!

Brady: Will that be all, Mr. Montalban?

Richard: I vant to suck you.
Theresa: …I feel like… there’s words missing, there?
Richard: Nope.

Richard: But if you insist.

Too bad this is a totally inconsequential event.

It would’ve made a good profile pic for these hundred chapters.

Veronica: I need a moist towelette! I saw poors pressing these buttons, earlier.

Richard: Blehh!

That’s how I feel.

Count Alon: Don’t mock my blehhritage.

Richard: You don’t look much like a vampire.
Theresa: My blehhritage is not a costume!

Richard: Thanks, I hate it!

Count Alon: Ugh, lady, use your bat form already would you?

Theresa: Thanks for the supernatural herpes.

Richard: I’m a vector!

We’re not doing a vampire apocalypse.

Grugly2013: The last apocalypse was pretty popular, though.

POPULARITY IS NOT SUFFICIENT REASON TO START AN APOCALYPSE

Especially one that can only happen roughly eight hours per day.

Richard: ♪ This’ll be the day that I die ♪


Lyndsey Price the Witch: What are you doing here?
Richard: Um, I live here?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: But… we’re not the active household yet!

OH GOD WE SWITCHED HOUSEHOLDS ON A COMMUNITY LOT

Grugly2013: CAN THAT EVEN HAPPEN>

IT FUCKING DID

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Do I need to pull a cord, or something?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Are there emergency protocols for this?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I always knew talking to dead people was useless.


Wren: I had the strangest feeling just now.

Like your household was unloaded?

Wren: Yeah, that, mixed in with the game being about to implode.

Wren: Do people still use these things?

Grugly2013: Barely.

No.

Nick: You’ve reached Nick’s Slow Dance Studio and Massage Parlour, leave a message!

Wren: I’m honestly surprised he didn’t say “massage” again.

Nick: Yeah, it took a lot of restraint.

Nick: By which I mean I had to be physically restrained.

Nick: Hey baby, wanna be physically restrained?

Nick: That’s my new term for Slow Dance.
Wren: It’s a good way to trick me into doing something I hate!

Nick: “Being physically restrained” sounds better than “Slow Dance”?
Wren: Yes.

Nick: Yeah, it does, doesn’t it?

Pictured: shots you can take when you have a basement.

Pictured: shots you can take when you have a vampire stalker.

Nick: Pictured: shots I can’t wait to take.

Nick: I am referring to cu-
Wren: I got it. Yes.

Nick: You’re gonna get it!

Nick: Right after I unnaturally distend your leg.

I wondered where that bag went.

I still wonder where the bag went, actually.

Nick: Don’t call her that, she’s not that bad.

Wren: Why do I bother with you?
Nick: I’ll admit to a certain curiosity on that subject myself.

Wren: I just remembered.

Nick: You push my buttons, baby.

Nick: DO A BARREL ROLL

SPROIOIOIOING

Ooh, locked camera!

Grugly2013: I’m learning!

Only took you seven years.

Wasn’t I incredible?

Wren: You certainly seemed to think so.

Nick: I’m so glad I satisfy myself.

Ain’t lookin’ you up!

Fuckstick McGillicuddy: Well I’m not leaving just because you FUCKSTICK MCGILLICUDDY?!?!?!

Fuckstick: Meh, myeh, I can work with that.

Wake up! Fuckstick McGillicuddy is here!

Wren: I’ve already had my fuckstick fill.

Richard: …?

Thomas: LITTLE HELP

Richard: Sure, I’ll shoulder your burden.

Richard: Wait, who am I rooting for?

The…

*sigh*

The cop, I guess?

Richard: Nah, I’mma go fuck these flowers.

Thomas: Aww, defund me.

There’s…

…okay.

Grugly2013: What?

Cop named Thomas. Cop in a blue uniform named Thomas. References to cops having tanks, earlier in the chapter.

Grugly2013: Thomas the Tank Engine joke.

Right, but… how?

Grugly2013: I’ll think about it.

‘k.

Grugly2013: And then forget about it.

‘k.

Nick: My head is huge.

Wren: Yeah.

Wren: Lucky it’s not the only thing.

Nick: Matching robes!
Wren: I’m not sure it’s a perfect match. Let’s take them off and compare.

Wren: Pimphand.

Nick: So gentle!

Nick: Wow, your robe’s so soft, my hand goes right through it!
Wren: My arm, too, apparently.

Nick: ARM PENETRATION

Wren: Kinky.

Wren: I’ve never had a day like this before.
Nick: A sexy one?
Wren: A poorly-written one.

Nick: Yeah, this was shit.

Next time: not shit.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 3 May 2013.

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