The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 532

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In which I’m up early, so I’m writing this one ahead of time!

Belinda the Malevolent: Wow, how does it feel to be briefly competent?

You didn’t say that. Your mouth is closed.

Belinda the Malevolent: I learned a ventriloquism spell.

You are evil!

Belinda the Malevolent: So, uh… what’s the storyline, here?

Whatever you make it.

Belinda the Malevolent: Oh, THAT’S a bad idea.

Brett: It certainly has been so far.

Esther: I’m gonna go with autophagia.

Rebel: I prefer to phage others.
Emmy: Auto-cannibalism is not the answer! I read that in a video game once.

Belinda the Malevolent: READING. In VIDEO GAMES. GOD that concept makes me FURIOUS!

Belinda the Malevolent: I’m gonna be furious in your car now.

Jerome the Warlock: As long as the car doesn’t go fast, we won’t have a copyright dispute on our hands.

…you know what that looks like?

Jerome the Warlock: Yes. A book.

No, I mean THAT.

Jerome the Warlock: I don’t see it.

Well, now you’re the only one.

Jerome the Warlock: ‘scuse me. Have to wash the taste of wood out of my mouth.

Jerome the Warlock: We’ve been told to make our own storylines! You’re all I could think of.

Prof. Rebecca: That second sentence would have been super romantic without that first sentence.

Jerome the Warlock: I am an expert at defusing my own appeal.
Prof. Rebecca: As an academic, I respect expertise of all kinds!

Prof. Rebecca: Except holistic medicine.
Jerome the Warlock: Yeah, well, that doesn’t really count, now, does it.

Congrats, ’13.

Grugly2013: Hmm?

You finally found a pic so terrible I can’t crop the problem out of it.

Grugly2013: Yeah, well, let’s follow it up with a bunch more closed-mouth pics, shall we? Keep the theme going.

Brett: .oO(I hate this theme.)

WILL THERE EVER BE DIALOGUE AGAIN

Jerome the Warlock: Probably.

Prof. Rebecca: Generic love conquers all!

Your right hand looks kinda like the meat-flippers I’ve got going in Oak Point.

Jerome the Warlock: Hey baby, wanna play with my meat-flipper?

Prof. Rebecca: My meat-flaps are hungry for your meat-flipper.

HOW MANY QUOTES OF THE DAY IN A ROW CAN BE ABOUT DICKS

Prof. Rebecca: …I mean… all of them, potentially.

Jerome the Warlock: I’ve barely got enough dick to sustain one quote, though.
Brett: WHAT am I just about to walk out on?

Prof. Rebecca: Your dad and I were creating works of literary art.
Brett: ART IS DUMB. LADIES ARE DUMB.

Jerome the Warlock: GIRLS are dumb! LADIES are AWESOME.

Prof. Rebecca: Thanks, I think?

Prof. Rebecca: What’s his problem?
Grugly2013: The ridiculous coding for kids seeing their parents with people who aren’t their parents.

Luckily we can just crop the little fucker out.

Jerome the Warlock: Is he still following us?!
Prof. Rebecca: He’s like a bad smell!

Jerome the Warlock: Yeah, well, that’s kids for you.

Jerome the Warlock: Trust fall!
Prof. Rebecca: Nope!

Jerome the Warlock: You don’t trust me?
Prof. Rebecca: Not as much as I trust gravity.

Jerome the Warlock: I didn’t know you liked science fiction movies.

Prof. Rebecca: …a meat flipper this isn’t.

Prof. Rebecca: You’d be hard-pressed to flip a coin with this thing.

Prof. Rebecca: Still, it goes down smooth.

Prof. Rebecca: And there’s lots of room to talk around it!

Prof. Rebecca: It’s such a polite little guy.

Wait, who is he engaged to?

Grugly2013: Belinda.

Oof. That might be your last meal there, Rebecca.

Jerome the Warlock: We’re lucky the other Rebecca got renamed, or you’d be on the chopping block for sure.

Brett: .oO(There’s more than one way to skin a Prof.)

Grugly2013: So, why did you get up early today?

Invigilating an online exam.

Grugly2013: I can’t wait to have a job that has its own dedicated words.

Prof. Rebecca: Why did you wait so many years to get back in touch with me?
Jerome the Warlock: It’s taken me this long to get another dedicated chapter.

Jerome the Warlock: At least, one where I wasn’t fucking a teenage witch.
Prof. Rebecca: Please tell me her name isn’t Sab-
Jerome the Warlock: It isn’t.

Belinda the Malevolent: No, I’m a thoroughly-original teenage witch.

Belinda the Malevolent: Hi, whoever you are! This is my friend Mason. He lives in a mansion!

Mason: I’m an abomination!

You…

Belinda the Malevolent: Yep.

You gave life…

Belinda the Malevolent: Yep!

That’s not even malevolent! That’s…

Belinda the Malevolent: Hey! Don’t mess with my adjective.

Mason: So, am I… what? A clone?
Belinda the Malevolent: You’re a statue.
Mason: But… who am I? What kind of statue am I?
Belinda the Malevolent: A talking statue, obviously…

Belinda the Malevolent: Can’t you hear yourself?

Jerome the Warlock: You’d better go.
Prof. Rebecca: As soon as the algorithm lets me.

Brett: .oO(The algorithm… OF DOOM)

Brett: .oO(Flowers are for girls.)

Brett: .oO(And I know just the girl.)

Brett: .oO(I hope she likes them.)

Belinda the Malevolent: I’m more into inanimate things, right now.

Belinda the Malevolent: My fiancé used to be married to-

OH GOD OH GOD

Belinda the Malevolent: …to a chick named Pe-

OH GOD OH GOD

Belinda the Malevolent: WHAT?

I’VE BEEN SPELLING FIANCÉ WRONG HALF THE TIME

Belinda the Malevolent: What?

IT’S FIANCÉE WHEN IT’S A WOMAN AND I DIDN’T KNOW UNTIL JUST NOW

Mason: Speaking of things that just came up!

Mason: I appear to have the strength of ten men?
Belinda the Malevolent: No, just one man, but he’s made of rock.

Belinda the Malevolent: All the way down, to my intense satisfaction.

Mason: Spread that satisfaction around, baby.

Samantha: Don’t call me “baby,” I’m almost a teenager.

Belinda the Malevolent: Okay, fair warning: I’m in thrall to a murderwizard.
Mason: That sounds like the title of one of those supernatural romance novels.

Belinda the Malevolent: I think Sleeping with the Statue is a better example.

Mason: There were plenty of hot chicks in the house you stole me from.
Belinda the Malevolent: You’re related to all of them, though.
Mason: I’m related to none of them, unless there’s some stone pine in their family tree which isn’t immediately apparent.

Welcome to ClipFest 2013! I hate it.

Belinda the Malevolent: Will you excuse me for a second? I think I smell a plot leaving.

Belinda the Malevolent: Be a good lawn gnome and wait here.

Belinda the Malevolent: Ah, I love these §55 donations.

Jerome the Warlock: MY CAR LOOKS BIG AND FUZZY

Belinda the Malevolent: Hey there, Esther-hester-bo-bester, banana-fana-fo-fester.

Belinda the Malevolent: Me, mi… mo…

Belinda the Malevolent: …mester…

Belinda the Malevolent: JEROME

That doesn’t rhyme.

Belinda the Malevolent: HOW COULD HE CHEAT ON ME

Because you’re evil?

Belinda the Malevolent: DOES HE EVEN KNOW THAT

Belinda the Malevolent: PUT IT OVER HIS HEAD

Belinda the Malevolent: Okay. It’s okay! Calm down. You’re cool! You’re cool. Look how cool you look, in your tracksuit, and your witch skin, and your RELATIONSHIP BUILT ON LIES

Belinda the Malevolent: Nope, he’s toast.

Jerome the Warlock: Do you smell burnt me?

Jerome the Warlock: Okay, uh, I’m not really in the mood for… ass-play.

Belinda the Malevolent: I hope I hit your lungs, ‘cuz I would love it if those were your last words.

Belinda the Malevolent: It’s too late in the story for one-note characters, Jerome.

Belinda the Malevolent: And we’ve had all the tiny dick jokes we need, honestly.

Yeah, let’s move on to more missing roof jokes.

Jerome the Warlock: I’m a main character!

Pff.

Jerome the Warlock: “Pff”?!

You heard me.

I’m over here now, dork.

Jerome the Warlock: Tell… Rebecca…

Nah.

Jerome the Warlock: Penny…

Belinda the Malevolent: Aww, that’s so sad! I promise I’ll tell Rebecca “Penny” for you.

Belinda the Malevolent: After I kill her.
Mason: Maybe you should tell her BEFORE you kill her.
Belinda the Malevolent: More sensible, but less funny.

Jerome the Warlock: I can’t believe she’s leaving me for an inanimate object.

You’re both inanimate objects. The difference is, Mason can still be an inanimate fucking object.

Mason: HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS?!
The Grim Reaper: …WHAT

Belinda the Malevolent: …yeah, what?

Next time: what.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 1 May 2013.

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